Love Me Some Little League World Series Action


Everyone, rejoice. Exhale, kick your feet up, and celebrate. We’ve made it through the darkness that is the sports calendar of July and early-August and come out relatively unscathed. Now, we’ve got NFL training camps and Hard Knocks, the MLB stretch run, and the Little League World Series is heating up. Nothing gets me more excited than seeing those kids put on their tight jerseys and run around in the summer sun. Wait, that came out wrong. But the Little League World Series is awesome, and not for the typical “oh, it’s so pure” crap you’ll see Cardinals fans and the people who have always taken J.J. Watt at face value will give you.

For starters, you can bet on it. Does it feel dirty? Not for me. Maybe you have some qualms making money off of 12-year-olds, but I suffer no such moral obligation. It’s fun. I’d never put a lot of money on it, I’m financially responsible. Literally anything can happen. When you bet college football (a favorite, if destructive, pastime of mine), you have to assume there’s going to be at least one play per game that’s completely inexplicable: the QB throws into quintuple coverage and it gets deflected and the receiver comes down with it for a TD, multiple fumbles on the same play, an onside kick returned for a TD, just something crazy. Well, Little League games are like that on crack. Every pitch could yield a million possible results, and, unless the pitcher is the one Roger Clemens/Danny Almonte manchild in the field and strikes everyone out, odds are the least likely outcome will come to pass. It’s a wild experience that really can’t be replicated in any other environment. As I said, you’re not going to get rich doing this. You’re going to lose in some of the most absurd ways possible, but it’ll be a good time. I swear. Now, I won’t tell you where you can take part in this disgusting practice. You’ll have to find that for yourself, since that’s half the fun (and I won’t be accountable for any legal trouble you might find yourself in).

Piggybacking off that, the highlights and characters that come out of the LLWS are second to none. We’re still in the regionals, but already there’s been some all-time moments.

The 6’7″ “12-year-old” and the super fat kid are staples of Little League. All that’s left is the kid with the hot mom, the coach who’s trying too hard, and the Japanese kid with a 0.00 ERA and we’ll have LLWS Bingo. Again, this is still regionals and there’s been some amazing clips. Expectations are sky-high for Williamsport.

Lastly, I just love seeing other people unhappy. When I was their age, I was insanely jealous of the kids who got to play in the LLWS. I was convinced I was better than them and couldn’t understand how some 4’5″, 75lb kid lucked himself into a home run while I was stuck ripping doubles. And, because I’m emotionally unhealthy, that never went away. So whenever these entitled little shits start crying because they airmailed a throw to first base or gave up ten straight hits, I feel vindicated. Hey, Timmy, I always said I was better than you! Sure, you might not have been alive yet when I was playing, but your emotional breakdown proves it! I win again! Enjoy your orange slices, pussy! Sorry, might have gotten carried away, there. Either way, seeing preteens unhappy brings joy to my soul, feel free not to judge me for it. Little League World Series, always a good time.

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