BREAKING: Todd Frazier, Major League Baseball Player, Once Played Little League Baseball

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Absolutely astonishing news has just crossed the Brian’s Den News Desk. The kind of news that shakes the very fabric of society. I can assure you, you’ll forever remember when and where you first heard this. I’m sorry in advance for shattering your entire world view, but I’ve just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

As startling as it may seem, it is indeed true. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I can barely believe it, myself. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. To think that someone who performs at the highest level of his profession started playing early in life is crazy enough, but that a future Major League Baseball player would be considerably better than his young peers? Excuse me? What a story. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

For those who don’t know (count me among them, because everything about this story is blowing my mind), the Little League World Series is played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Last night MLB had their Little League Classic, which is also played in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The Mets played in this game. Todd Frazier is on the Mets. Unbeknownst to me, this was not the first time Todd Frazier had played a baseball game in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series, which is a fact I’m still trying to wrap my head around.

Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, which, in the cosmic sense of things, is close to New York City, the city in which he currently plays. The story keeps getting stranger, but stick with me for a moment. Last season, he played for the Yankees, who also play in New York City. After playing in the Little League World Series for Toms River, New Jersey, Todd Frazer got to meet the Yankees, particularly Derek Jeter. There’s photo evidence to prove it to the all the doubting Thomases out there who share my struggles in believing such an outlandish story:

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I just can’t believe something like this escaped my knowledge for so long. I mean, I’m a pretty plugged-in guy. Nary a minor sports storyline goes unnoticed in the Brian’s Den, and yet, here we are. It’s August 20th, 2018, and I just learned that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series. I guess it’s true what they say: you’re never too old to learn that Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series.

(It should go without saying, but I’m very triggered right now and that I hope Todd Frazier dies an excruciating death because this is my least favorite sports story of all time. WE KNOW TODD FRAZIER PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES!!!! WE’VE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS, NOW!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! EVERY TIME TODD FRAZIER’S STUPID FACE IS PUT ON TELEVISION THEY HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO US HOW HE PLAYED IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOMS RIVER, NEW JERSEY IS A COMPLETE DUMP AND NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OUT OF THERE, INCLUDING TODD FRAZIER’S UGLY-ASS SWING. TODD FRAZIER IS SINGLEHANDEDLY TRYING TO RUIN THE GAME OF BASEBALL FOR EVERYONE. But it’s okay, though, because he played in the Little League World Series.)

Me when someone asks if I knew Todd Frazier played in the Little League World Series:

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Love Me Some Little League World Series Action

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Everyone, rejoice. Exhale, kick your feet up, and celebrate. We’ve made it through the darkness that is the sports calendar of July and early-August and come out relatively unscathed. Now, we’ve got NFL training camps and Hard Knocks, the MLB stretch run, and the Little League World Series is heating up. Nothing gets me more excited than seeing those kids put on their tight jerseys and run around in the summer sun. Wait, that came out wrong. But the Little League World Series is awesome, and not for the typical “oh, it’s so pure” crap you’ll see Cardinals fans and the people who have always taken J.J. Watt at face value will give you.

For starters, you can bet on it. Does it feel dirty? Not for me. Maybe you have some qualms making money off of 12-year-olds, but I suffer no such moral obligation. It’s fun. I’d never put a lot of money on it, I’m financially responsible. Literally anything can happen. When you bet college football (a favorite, if destructive, pastime of mine), you have to assume there’s going to be at least one play per game that’s completely inexplicable: the QB throws into quintuple coverage and it gets deflected and the receiver comes down with it for a TD, multiple fumbles on the same play, an onside kick returned for a TD, just something crazy. Well, Little League games are like that on crack. Every pitch could yield a million possible results, and, unless the pitcher is the one Roger Clemens/Danny Almonte manchild in the field and strikes everyone out, odds are the least likely outcome will come to pass. It’s a wild experience that really can’t be replicated in any other environment. As I said, you’re not going to get rich doing this. You’re going to lose in some of the most absurd ways possible, but it’ll be a good time. I swear. Now, I won’t tell you where you can take part in this disgusting practice. You’ll have to find that for yourself, since that’s half the fun (and I won’t be accountable for any legal trouble you might find yourself in).

Piggybacking off that, the highlights and characters that come out of the LLWS are second to none. We’re still in the regionals, but already there’s been some all-time moments.

The 6’7″ “12-year-old” and the super fat kid are staples of Little League. All that’s left is the kid with the hot mom, the coach who’s trying too hard, and the Japanese kid with a 0.00 ERA and we’ll have LLWS Bingo. Again, this is still regionals and there’s been some amazing clips. Expectations are sky-high for Williamsport.

Lastly, I just love seeing other people unhappy. When I was their age, I was insanely jealous of the kids who got to play in the LLWS. I was convinced I was better than them and couldn’t understand how some 4’5″, 75lb kid lucked himself into a home run while I was stuck ripping doubles. And, because I’m emotionally unhealthy, that never went away. So whenever these entitled little shits start crying because they airmailed a throw to first base or gave up ten straight hits, I feel vindicated. Hey, Timmy, I always said I was better than you! Sure, you might not have been alive yet when I was playing, but your emotional breakdown proves it! I win again! Enjoy your orange slices, pussy! Sorry, might have gotten carried away, there. Either way, seeing preteens unhappy brings joy to my soul, feel free not to judge me for it. Little League World Series, always a good time.