Somehow, some way, Thanksgiving is less than a week away. Where did the time go? One minute you own the 8th grade playground the next you’re a washed-up 25-year-old independent blogger with no future. Crazy how time flies. Anyway, as I was getting lost in the lovely shade of blue in the Titans jerseys (I refuse to call them Color Rush jerseys since every facet of the set is in their regular jersey rotation. The only difference is that the socks don’t have the white outer sock they usually have. I take Color Rush seriously), it dawned on me that adding more SkyCam to the broadcast is the most NFL thing of all time. Oh, we lucked into something people sort of like? Quick, jam it down everyone’s throats and ruin any shred of positive publicity! Good job, guys. Titans stink, by the way. Doesn’t really relate to anything, I just feel like it needed to be said. As opposed to last week’s wasteland, there’s actually some pretty good matchups this week. Should be fun watching the action unfold.
Baltimore Ravens (-2) at Green Bay Packers
Psyche!!!! You didn’t really think there were going to be good games this week, did you? This is the NFL! Every game is terrible because every team is equally terrible because the league desires it so. This is why no one like communism, folks. It yields an unpleasing on-field product, I think McCarthy said that in the 50s.
Pick: Ravens -2
Detroit Lions (-3) at Chicago Bears
I don’t know if I’ve ever had less of an emotional investment in a pro sports game than I have for this. I legitimately don’t care about this game whatsoever. If they cancelled it, my life wouldn’t be changed at all.
Pick: Lions -3
Kansas City Chiefs (-11) at New York Giants
This line can’t be high enough. Giants already quit, but then last week they super quit. Any non-NFC East team that plays the Giants from here on out should just ask the league for another bye week so no one gets hurt.
Pick: Chiefs -11
Washington Redskins at New Orleans Saints (-8)
This season is so weird. Are the Saints seriously Super Bowl contenders? Seems less crazy by the week. Just feels so random that they’re good. They were a nothing team before the season. No buzz, no hype, no discussion about them at all. Yet here they are, playing great D and lighting up the scoreboard. Their offense feels very 2009ish. People forget they ran the ball more than they threw it that year (a little joke for everyone who remembers those days of old. Saints running more than they pass was that year’s Altuve is short and Judge is tall. Good times).
Pick: Saints -8
Los Angeles Rams at Minnesota Vikings (-2)
Possible NFC Championship preview? Inconceivable before the season (at least to me), I’d be more surprised if one of these teams didn’t make it at this point. These are pretty similar teams with lots of talent on both sides of the ball, but it really just boils down to the Rams having Jared Goff (good) and the Vikings having Case Keenum (bad).
Pick: Rams +2
Tampa Bay Bucs at Miami Dolphins (pick)
Remember when I said I’ve never cared about a game less than Lions-Bears? Yeah, I lied.
Arizona Cardinals at Houston Texans (-1.5)
I feel like I’ve been too negative lately. Blaine Gabbert taking the high flying Cardinals into Houston for a shootout with Tom “Nic Cage” Savage is exactly what I’ve been looking for to raise my spirits. Appointment viewing for a league desperate for ratings.
Pick: Cardinals +1.5
Jacksonville Jaguars (-8) at Cleveland Browns
I gotta be honest, I’m a little disappointed, here. Jags-Browns was always a high point in the year for those of us who enjoy teams jockeying for draft position, and it always seemed to fall around this time of the season when both teams had already quit. But now the Jags had to go and ruin it by being good! How selfish! I’m trying to envision a scenario where the Browns score a touchdown that doesn’t involve a kick return or pick six, and I’m not seeing anything.
Pick: Jags -8
Buffalo Bills at Los Angeles Chargers (-4)
What’s the point of starting Nathan Peterman? They can’t think he’s actually going to be good, can they? He’s a rookie fifth round pick whose only playing time came in a blowout loss. What do they gain by benching the clearly superior Tyrod Taylor? Unless they’ve accepted their fate and know they’re dead, in which case I applaud the decision to just cut bait and aim for as high a draft pick as they can possibly get. Throwing this random rookie out there against one of the most fearsome pass-rushing tandems in the league on the road (does it count as playing on the road if it’s at the StubHub Center?) for his first career start in week 11 doesn’t really seem like the move a team that’s trying to win would make.
Pick: Chargers -4
Patriots de Nueva Inglaterra (-7) contra los Raiders de Oakland
Ciudad de México, bebé! La gente olvida que la Ciudad de México es mucho más elevada que Denver, donde los Pats simplemente dominaron. También practicaron en Colorado toda la semana, por lo que es como si estuvieran tomando esteroides con todo el aire extra que tienen en sus pulmones. También están en llamas y nunca, en ningún momento, perderán ante esta versión de los Raiders, que apestan. Un equipo de calacas (una pequeña referencia de México, amigos) sería mejor a la defensiva que los Raiders, que usan verdaderos “jugadores de la NFL”. Los Pats son el equipo más popular en la Ciudad de México, lo que me dice que nuestros vecinos del sur tienen un excelente sabor.
Elegir: Patriots -7
Cincinnati Bengals at Denver Broncos (-2.5)
Do the Broncos play road games? I’m starting to think no. Literally every game they play is in Mile High, and even with the only tangible home field advantage in the NFL, they still stink! Hard to believe most of this roster won a Super Bowl two years ago. Still better than the Bengals, though.
Pick: Broncos -2.5
Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5) at Dallas Cowboys
This one seem like it’s easy to overthink. It’s in Dallas. It’s Sunday night. Cowboys need a win badly. Eagles have been too good, so something has to go wrong. Just don’t think about it. Go with your gut. Eagles are way better than the Cowboys and should dominate. Tyron Smith is probably out again, rendering the Golden God known as the Cowboys’ offensive line a collection of mere mortals, and the Eagles’ d-line is just a liiiiiiiitle bit better than the Falcons’. Almost forgot to make a snarky comment about the impressive streak of consecutive NFC East division games played in primetime, just like the Cowboys will probably forget to show up.
Pick: Eagles -4.5
Atlanta Falcons at Seattle Seahawks (-3)
Of all the teams the Patriots have effectively killed over the last 15 years or so, I think the Seahawks and Falcons give me the happiest memories. Thinking about how many times Brady shoved the Bills’ or Steelers’ noses in the dirt is nice, but the Seahawks and Falcons are special. They turned Seattle from a potential dynasty to a dysfunctional, poorly run, unpopular group of crybabies and 9/11 truthers. Then beating the Falcons was the equivalent of a feudal lord squashing a peasant rebellion and putting some severed heads on spikes as warning. And now they’re playing each other and think the game has real stakes! How quaint. I’m happy for both of these teams for thinking they still have championship hopes, I really am.
Pick: Seahawks -3
Bonus College Picks:
- Michigan +7.5 at Wisconsin
- Virginia +18.5 at Miami (FL)
- TCU at Texas Tech Over 53
- UMass +4.5 at BYU
- Navy +18 at Notre Dame