Monday Thoughts Week 15

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This week stunk. The NFL is stupid. No, I’m not bitter the Pats lost to the Steelers for the first time since Napoleon invaded Russia. I’m bitter that the Pats STINK and I have to live life like all you peasants that have to watch awful football week after week after week. It’s almost Christmas and I have to deal with this. Life sucks. At least there’s two fewer games for Monday Thoughts™ since I’m very lazy only concerned with Sunday games.

  • Some time in the last month the Bucs became the most boring team in the league and I don’t like it.
  • Mike Evans is still good, though
  • Once T-Sizzle retires I can really start enjoying this Lamar Jackson-Gus Edward centric offense
  • Ravens are tightening their grip on the final Wild Card spot and are close to being The Team No One Wants To Play in the AFC. I know the Pats don’t want to play them. Really wouldn’t mind if the Dolphins just won the division.
  • Good lord the C*******s are depressing. To lose by a million to the 2018 Atlanta Falcons? No bueno.
  • Few things more demoralizing than throwing a pick on a throw to the flat
  • Julio Jones is one of the ten best receivers of all time and this is the first time he’s been definitively the best receiver in the league. Weird.
  • Nice defense, fellas!
  • Glad the early season Cowboys are back. They were starting to get too fun to watch.
  • Colts D is legit good now, which is always an odd thing. Darius Leonard is a beast.
  • This was the worst camera work this man has ever seen
  • Dolphins with the classic Super Bowl hangover.
  • Screen pass pick 6s are always funny
  • Who the hell is Kalen Ballage?
  • I’m ready to admit Dalvin Cook is faster than I am
  • Don’t care what old haterz might say, I’m a fan of throwing up the peace sign when you know you’ve got a TD. Let ’em know they can’t touch you, king!
  • Bills have won 3 of 5 and I don’t really know what they’re thinking.
  • All things considered, the Lions might be the most irrelevant team in the league this year. Bad but not the worst and no memorable or funny moments. Only four more years of Stafford, though.
  • When did Robert Foster become Randy Moss?
  • Hell yes
  • Perhaps the most shocking result of all on Sunday: Bears beat the Packers in Chicago with the Packers’ season on the line.
  • Khalil Mack with the ol’ Ass Sack
  • Rodgers threw a pick, guy’s done
  • Haven’t seen the cheese monster since week 1
  • I don’t even want the Pats to make the Super Bowl because I know they’ll lose again and I don’t need that in my life, so I want it to be Bears-Chargers/Chiefs. Think that’d be the most fun.
  • We don’t really need to talk Raiders-Bengals, do we? Okay good.
  • Derek Carr hasn’t thrown a pick in forever though, which doesn’t feel right.
  • I flat out refuse to discuss Redskins-Jags or Titans-Giants.
  • Derrick Henry is absolutely superhuman
  • I hate going into my fantasy teams because I know no one cares and it’s so dumb to complain about something neither my opponent nor I have literally any control over, but these last couple weeks have really irked me. I’m in three leagues (yes, I’m that guy), and in every single one I was either the top seed, the highest scoring team in the league, or both. It was as dominant a fantasy season as I’ve ever had. Unless Christian McCaffrey has, like, 40 points tonight I’ll have one team alive. Three great teams and only one with a chance for hardware. All because the bum-ass Cowboys can’t get Amari Cooper the ball and bum-ass Austin Hooper is the worst tight end in the league and bum-ass Todd Gurley STINKS when anything is on the line and bum-ass my lord and savior Tom Brady refuses to get the ball to Josh Gordon and my bum ass picked up Damien Williams then didn’t play him and every single player I have had their worst game of the season when I needed them most. I hate fantasy and don’t know why I still play.
  • Seahawks will always inexplicably lose at least one division game every year. That’s a Pete Carroll guarantee.
  • Seahawks have a habit of playing “exciting” games that go down to the wire where nothing actually happens. This was one such game. Nothing happened. Niners jerseys were looking particularly good, though.
  • Yeah, Pats lost, whatever. Their D is finally looking decent, though.
  • Can’t lose to the Steelers. Just can’t.
  • I think it’s safe to say that the Rams are officially the Team Everyone Wants to Play. My god, are they soft (don’t tell Aaron Donald I said that).
  • Like, Jared, what are you doing, man?
  • Rams are totally done. Completely. If anyone still takes them seriously as a title contender I’d like to meet them so I can tell them how stupid they are.
  • Eagles….still alive? Nick Foles, man. He’s just got that feel for the game. Forget that he’s only had two seasons with a QB rating of over 82 and one of those he only threw 55 passes. Just has that feel for the game.
  • The Eagles are doing the impossible and making me care about the NFC East somewhat. A possible Cowboys collapse is too tantalizing to ignore.

That’s it. Only one week until Christmas. Will I repeat last year’s inspired The Picks Before Christmas? Time will tell. I just want this season to be over, at this point TBH.

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NFL Week 15 Picks

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Folks, we have a problem on our hands: the Thursday Night games have been too good this year. Thursday Night games are supposed to be terrible matchups between terrible teams that get everyone questioning why they like this sport. It’s not meant to be exciting. It’s not meant to have real playoff ramifications. Some of these Thursday Games have spat in the face of Color Rush’s legacy, and frankly, I’m sick of it. Give me Titans-Jags 6-3. Give me Bills-Jets where color blind people can’t tell which team is which. Thrilling Chargers comeback against the number one seed Chiefs that has put the AFC West in doubt for the first time all season? You can leave that at the door. I don’t want it. I do want these games, though.

Houston Texans (-7) at New York Jets

I can understand why the NFL wanted to put this game on Saturday at 4:30 before everyone realizes we’re into “Saturday NFL SZN.”

Pick: Texans

Cleveland Browns at Denver Broncos (-3)

Browns making a nearly impossible playoff run would be the most fun thing to happen all season. That means they’ll lose this game by 100 and eliminate themselves.

Pick: Broncos

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-6)

Aaron Rodgers typically prolongs his death as long as possible. Aaron Rodgers typically destroys the Bears in Chicago. If I know anything about the NFL I know this- Packers will win this game and every result will go their way to keep them alive.

Pick: Packers

Dallas Cowboys at Indianapolis Colts (-3)

This line is really odd to me. Vegas is saying that the Cowboys and Colts are totally even with the built-in homefield advantage. I disagree with this. I think the Cowboys are superior and could win by multiple scores. Or they won’t. You never know.

Pick: Cowboys

Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings (-7.5)

Two teams that absolutely refuse to die no matter how bad they are. The Cockroach Bowl, if you will. I’m going Dolphins because I refuse to believe 2018 Kirk Cousins is beating any team by more than 7 points.

Pick: Dolphins

Tampa Bay Bucs at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

The Bucs have the 30th ranked rush defense in DVOA. That does not bode well for our friends in Tampa. At least the strip club-steakhouse combos are still open during the holidays.

Pick: Ravens

Arizona C*******s at Atlanta Falcons (-9.5)

People forget the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead with 2:12 left in the third quarter of the Super Bowl.

Pick: C*******s

Oakland Raiders at Cincinnati Bengals (-3)

The struggle continues for my Christmas list. We’re getting down into the thick of things and I’ve got nothing. Everything I want I just buy myself. Instant gratification has ruined Christmas for me as an adult. Why would I wait for someone to maybe buy me something I want when I can just buy it myself the second I want it? Why is it so hard to come up with something I want? I know there’s got to be something. Smh. Pray for me in these trying times.

Pick: Raiders

Washington Redskins at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7.5)

You kept the receipt for this gift, right?

Pick: Redskins

Detroit Lions at Buffalo Bills (-2)

Alright, this week sucks.

Pick: Lions

Tennessee Titans at New York Giants (-1)

What’s worse: this slate of games or the “Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?” crowd?

Pick: Giants

Seattle Seahawks (-4) at San Francisco 49ers

Yet another gross game. Could finish 43-11 or something wacky. Seahawks big, though.

Pick: Seahawks

New England Patriots (-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers

It’s hard to describe to people who aren’t Patriots fans (or any other team that has a “rival” they haven’t lost too since before the first multicellular organism evolved) what the games against the Steelers are like. The Steelers are always, always, the talented team no one wants to play. Always the trendy pick. Always the team everyone wants to dethrone the Pats. But me they’re nothing. A fly that lands on my skin for a millisecond. I move my arm and it’s gone. That’s how little effort it takes to beat the Steelers. They are a complete non-factor. They’re losers and will always be losers. I have a better chance of winning the lottery, going on a date with Emma Watson, and actually advancing my career all in the same day than the Steelers have of winning any game that involves the Patriots until the planet we live on becomes a cold, decrepit husk floating aimlessly through space.

Pick: Patriots

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-12)

Carson Wentz has a fractured vertebra and the team DIDN’T TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY AND ARE CONSIDERING PLAYING HIM THIS WEEK. The locker room is on the verge of rioting. If this line was Rams -293475 I’d think it was way too low.

Pick: Rams.

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) at Carolina Panthers

Saints obviously, but if I have to sit through another “Drew Brees only has 178 yards midway through the fourth” game I’m out on the Saints.

Pick: Saints

Tuesday Thoughts Week 14

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Awesome week of games. That’s said sarcastically almost 90% of the time, but this week it’s genuine. Some crazy finishes, some randomly exciting games, countless God Friended Me promos, it had it all. And I barely paid attention because my life is now consumed by Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. I will not apologize. I know you’re wondering and Lucina is my main. If I were someone who didn’t care what others thought of me I would confess that Ike is actually my main, but I fear Internet judgement like a medieval peasant fears the wrath of God (think this is the first paragraph in briansden69.com history that included two capital G “Gods”). If you feel like getting decimated (jk I stink) my friend code is SW-6579-4695-6190Add me if you dare (I swear this isn’t a shameless plea for more friends. I have tons of friends. I have so many friends, in fact, that I never know which ones to hang out with so I just spend most of my time alone). Anyway, what were we talking about? NFL games? Right. As you can tell, life got in the way so it’s a day late. This is the first ever Tuesday Thoughts™.

  • Yeah, the Pats lost on a crazy play when All Pro safety Rob Gronkowski couldn’t make the game-saving tackle. Whatever. Don’t let that distract you from the biggest development from this game: Gronk is back
  • Pats are still going to the Super Bowl don’t @ me.
  • I’m glad the Texans lost. Can’t have a Bill O’Brien coached team win 10 straight.
  • T.Y. Hilton with his biannual massive game
  • Eric Ebron is just Prime Antonio Gates now. This is our new reality
  • This game was boring as shit. I’m sick of the AFC South.
  • At this point I feel bad for Houston. They’ve been through enough lately without having to deal with this:
  • In declaring that Joe Philbin wouldn’t rally the troops, I failed to take the Falcons’ overwhelming badness into account. That’s on me.
  • This Rodgers stat actually caught me off guard. Felt like he’s thrown a ton of picks this year. Guess not.
  • I don’t know why but this picture is killing me
  • It’s like if you took three guys from the 1700s and told them to pose for a photo.
  • Just preposterous
  • Next time someone questions the importance of having someone Belichick or McVay or Harbaugh show them the first 83 seconds of this game.
  • Thanks for showing up, Redskins. Good lord.
  • For one brief moment in time, the Sanchize was Back
  • Nice D, fellas!
  • Glad the Redskins are officially dead finished. Now if we could just get the Giants up outta here…
  • Was Jets-Bills kind of electric or was it just me?
  • You can’t tell me Josh Allen isn’t exciting
  • Hell yes
  • Until ten seconds ago I thought the Bills won. They did not.
  • Panthers STINK. Can’t believe they were ever good.
  • Every Baker completion was an unreal highlight
  • How about Breshad Perriman? Catching passes. In an NFL game, no less.
  • Campfire celly gets a B+.
  • Love a good underneath reverse handoff. Apparently the Browns do, too
  • Christian McCaffrey can keep dominating all he likes, it won’t change the fact that he had an 80 yard run he didn’t score on and submarined the White Skill Guy cause.
  • I’m obsessed with this new Ravens offense. Every single play is a run and no one can really stop it.
  • Shoutout Cyrus Jones for fumbling every time he touched the ball in New England
  • If I’m the Ravens, I’m not sure how I’d feel about losing to a superior team on the road in overtime. Ravens dominated the game and had them right where they wanted them. But not much you can do when this happens
  • It’d be awesome to be Pat Mahomes for a day. Just a day. I’d throw a football through so many solid objects.
  • Justin Houston: still good
  • Chiefs defense is trash for the most part, but do people realize how good Chris “Oops, my huge dick fell out at the combine hope no one sees” Jones is? Guy’s a beast.
  • This pretty much clinched the number one seed for the Chiefs. Oh, well. I’m still betting the AFC Championship is played somewhere other than Kansas City (hint: it’ll be in New England).
  • Saints, like, what the hell are you doing? You forget how to play offense or something?
  • I’m confident this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to 26
  • This game stunk. Jameis finally threw a pick again but it wasn’t even funny. Get the Bucs out of my face.
  • Bengals-Chargers, I mean, did it even happen?
  • Why are all of John Ross’s touchdowns from less than 10 yards out? Where are the bombs?
  • Chargers win 10 games for the first time in a while. This is the ultimate post-hype season (shoutout to everyone old enough to remember when the Chargers were the preseason Super Bowl pick 25 years in a row).
  • George Kittle is good
  • Broncos laid an absolute egg and are dead. Game sucked.
  • The only thing that really caught my attention was play-by-play guy Andrew Catalon being forced to read a promo for God Friended Me, which has to be the second worst show in CBS history after Young Sheldon. There’s just something funny to me about the super serious commentators having to hype up absolutely terrible shows. Like you worked your whole life for this opportunity, the only catch is you have to remind the audience to watch Rules of Engangement in the third quarter.
  • Alright, I admit it- Eagles-Cowboys was an entertaining game.
  • I didn’t know Dak was allowed to get 455 yards passing in one game.
  • Am I crazy or should Amari Cooper finish in the top 10 in MVP voting?
  • Guess the Raiders really really stink, huh?
  • But if the Raiders really really stink, what does that say about the Steelers?
  • If your name is Antonio Brown, please don’t watch this:
  • Big story of this game was Big Ben leaving the game at halftime for…..reasons, being healthy enough to play, then not being put in until late in the fourth, and leading a dramatic touchdown drive. Surely that lead to a Steelers win, no?
  • No.
  • Steelers are in some real trouble. Rough, rough ending schedule and the Ravens are right on their heels. Could the Steelers miss the playoffs? Say it ain’t so!
  • I will not be discussing Lions-C*******s.
  • Sunday night game STUNK, but it proved me right that the Rams are Hollywood soft.
  • Man, Mitch throws some AWFUL passes sometimes
  • You know we’ve gotta check with the graphics department
  • Fitting. Nothing makes me think Corporate America like the the glitzy, high-flying, high-octane team from Los Angeles.
  • Special bonus for everyone: since this is going up on Tuesday, we get to discuss the Monday night game, too!
  • Thus ends the discussion of the Monday night game.

What a week. I’ve got a feeling it’s only going to get better from here. Isn’t the NFL great (sometimes)?

NFL Picks Week 14

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Jags-Titans finally made its triumphant return to Thursday Night Football, but without the magic of Color Rush, it makes me wonder what the point of it all was. Yes, both teams were in monochrome. But if you think all you have to do to go Color Rush is to wear jerseys, pants, and socks that are already part of your standard jersey set and all the same color, please close this window now. There’s no room for you here. Real ones know Jags-Titans Thursday Night is only complete when its mustard vs. sky blue. White vs. navy doesn’t have the same ring to it.

My favorite part about last night was when the Jags starting talking a ton of smack late in the 4th when the game was out of reach. I think the defense was trying to be defiant and let the offense know it was their fault, not the D’s. This, of course, is despite the fact that the defense had been completely emasculated by the cyborg known as Derrick Henry and allowed a feeble Titans team to put up 30 points. But hey, they almost made the Super Bowl last year. They’ve earned the right to keep talking all game. On a side note, I fundamentally don’t understand why Derrick Henry doesn’t do this more often. Who’s tackling him? Absolute unit.

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers (-5)

Usually when a team gets a new coach there’s a bit of a new car smell around the facility. Everyone feels refreshed and plays just a little harder. Typically the team is a lock to cover, assuming they hated the old coach and like the new coach. I have no idea if anyone other than Aaron Rodgers actually disliked Mike McCarthy. I know no one’s running through a brick wall for Joe Philbin. It’s clear Aaron Rodgers is the one who’s really in control of that entire building, and he’s got everyone afraid to challenge him in any way. Fear is only a good motivator when you have a winning record. Packers are about to lose out, and lose out big time.

Pick: Falcons

New England Patriots (-8) at Miami Dolphins

-8 seems like a lot when you consider the Pats literally never win in Miami. But when you also consider that things that haven’t happened to the Pats in 15 years are happening this season and that if the Dolphins win and Ravens lose I’m pretty sure the Dolphins actually move into the sixth playoff spot, thus making this a massive, “season-on-the-line” type game for the Dolphins, it almost seems too low.

Pick: Pats

New York Giants (-3.5) at Washington Redskins

It’s Eli vs. Sanchez, next on Fox! Feel the excitement!

Pick: Giants

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans (-4.5)

The Colts’ absolute ZERO of a performance last week kind of ruined what would have been the rare huge AFC South game. Still, the Colts aren’t dead yet and the Texans really need a bye and/or the 1 seed if they want to do anything in the playoffs, so it might be a decent game. I say might because the Colts’ roster just isn’t that good. For as much as I hate on him, Andrew Luck covers up a lot, and I mean a lot, of warts. Texans just have a better team all across the board. Doesn’t seem fathomable, but the Texans are about to win their 10th straight.

Pick: Texans

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

Hmmm, let me think back to the supposed formula to beat all the best high-flying teams of the past. You’ve got to run the ball and kill the clock. Ravens have averaged 238.66 yards on 48.33 carries in the three games since Lamar Jackson took over as starting QB and have dominated time of possession every game. You need a tough, physical defense that will make things hard for the QB. Ravens are allowing the lowest completion percentage, second lowest passer rating, and second fewest passing yards per game in the NFL. Throw in one of the best kickers in league history and a coach who knows what he’s doing and I think we may have something here, folks. I also know that the Chiefs know they need homefield throughout the playoffs and one loss will ruin it so they’re obviously going to lose a game. Why not this one?

Pick: Ravens

New Orleans Saints (-9.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

My first reaction was to say the Saints are going to be out for blood and looking to murder the hapless Bucs. But the Bucs have won two straight games, allowing a combined 26 points. Jameis hasn’t turned the ball over in either game. The Bucs already beat the Saints once. Could the Saints lose consecutive games? No. But they won’t win by more than 4.

Pick: Bucs

Carolina Panthers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

I’m #done with the Panthers. I stuck my neck out there for them all season and they’ve lost a thousand games in a row. Browns are hot (for them) and are in perfect position to win just enough games to cost them a good draft pick.

Pick: Browns

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-3.5)

Got a haircut today. Think it looks nice. Shoutout to my girl Stormy.

Pick: Jets

Denver Broncos (-4) at San Francisco 49ers

I mean, this line is at least three points too low. Niners are about to get crushed.

Pick: Broncos

Cincinnati Bengals at Los Angeles Chargers (-14)

I don’t know. I just don’t see the Chargers winning by 15. So sue me. Yeah, they’ll probably win by 35 but it’s just not happening that way in my head.

Pick: Bengals

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-3.5)

Everyone knows I’m NOT a Cowboys hater, but if I were I’d be rooting for them to win out so they have no choice but to sign Dak to a huge deal and completely ruin their salary cap going forward. But, again, not a hater.

Pick: Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) at Oakland Raiders

If the Steelers can’t win this game? Yikes. I almost wouldn’t want the Pats to beat them next week. It’d just be kicking a dog when it’s down.

Pick: Steelers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Arizona C*******s

Christmas will always be my favorite holiday, but I’ve reached the age where trying to come up with stuff I want is the worst thing ever. If you gave me three years I don’t think I’d be able to come up with a realistic Christmas list. It’d just be a bunch of crap I need but don’t want to buy. It stinks. I want to go back to the days where I had a list three miles long of various toys and games that I viewed as unobtainable because of the astronomic price tag of, like, $14.99. Getting old is for the birds.

Pick: Lions

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Chicago Bears

This is what Bear Weather was invented for. High flying, flashy, Hollywood team comes swaggering into Chicago talking about In-N-Out and skating and surfing and not caring about anything only to get hit in the face with some 26° air and possible precipitation. As long as Mike Singletary is still alive, the Bears win these games 100% of the time for all of us who grew up toughened by cold weather.

Pick: Bears

Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (-3)

I think we’ll finally be able to put the 2018 Vikings to bed after this one. Not a moment too soon.

Pick: Seahawks

Monday Thoughts Week 13

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Week 13 is a little too close to week 17 for this man. The season’s winding down, and if the remaining weeks are anything like this one, whooo man. Let me tell you, I’d need some electroshock therapy to fry my brain, because this week STUNK and it’s certainly not how I want to remember the 2018 NFL season. This wasn’t even like a month ago when every game was a complete abomination. There were some decent matchups on paper, and every single one of them disappointed in a big way. Oh, well. Such is life in the NFL.

  • The “best” early game was the Bears-Giants game that went to overtime. No one in the world wanted it to go to overtime.
  • Guess Tarik Cohen wanted OT
  • Four players threw passes in this game. The two worst were Chase Daniel and Eli Manning
  • The only thing Eli has over Odell is a dumb look on his face
  •  Gotta check in on the Bears’ art department
  • Very, very on the nose.
  • Bills-Dolphins is an NFL game that, apparently, happened.
  • I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something. I thought Josh Allen had zero NFL skills. Turns out he’s the best running quarterback of all time
  • Dolphins’ throwback jerseys and accompanying endzone are good
  • Parents: kid won’t sleep? Can’t get junior to settle down? Just edit the Broncos-Bengals game tape to exclude all Phillip Lindsay touches and watch sparky quickly drift off to sleep.
  • The ultimate metaphor for the Browns post-revival history
  • Linebacker interceptions always seem worse because they’re so abrupt. Like a QB would have to be blind not to see them standing directly in front of their eyes.
  • Maybe I’m just a h8tr, but this has to be the least convincing 9 game winning streak of all time. Who’s taking the Texans seriously? Maybe being a Patriots fan has just jaded me and rendered me incapable of appreciating a team’s short term success because I already know it’s going to end in an early playoff loss.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 8349267052869
  • Packers lost at home to the C*******s (naming rights NOT restored, sorry) with their season on the line. It was a terrible game and the Packers are terrible and there will be no highlights. There will be slander, however.
  • Mike McCarthy, an objectively mediocre-to-bad coach with a terrible attitude, was fired after the game, healing every single one of the Packers’ woes. Congrats, guys!
  • So obviously the biggest discussion of the coming offseason is going to be centered around the Packers’ next head coach. I think we can all agree Joe Philbin isn’t the answer. I’m sure that, much like every time LeBron has a coaching vacancy, the narrative will be that there’s a line 10 miles long of people who are dying to coach the great Aaron Rodgers. Are we sure about that? It doesn’t seem worth it, whatsoever. Rodgers is a massive dick. He’s terrible to be around. His teammates hate him. Every time they lose throws everyone else under the bus, starting with the coach. Every win, regardless of circumstance, is entirely because of the Magic of Rodgers. And the rest of the roster stinks. What’s the appeal? Who would want this job? Not this man. I’m preemptively taking my name out of the running.
  • Apparently Aaron Rodgers is the greatest quarterback of all time now despite his resume getting worse over the last two years and Brady’s getting better. You’re telling me your greatest QB in history is going to miss the playoffs again? Your greatest QB has only played in 16 playoff games in his career and just turned 35? Your telling me the greatest quarterback ever has one more playoff win than Tom Brady has SUPER BOWL APPEARANCES???? WHAT????????? How did this happen? How did the narrative shift like this despite NOTHING CHANGING WHATSOEVER???????? Not to turn into Skip Bayless, here, but there’s a reason Rodgers is always on the outside looking in when it matters. The reason is him, if you couldn’t tell.
  • Also, I’m sick of people saying Rodgers is the most physically gifted QB ever. Have you watched Pat Mahomes? Have you seen Cam Newton? I’d love to see Rodgers go head-to-head against Lamar Jackson in a “Physical Gifts” competition. Hell, Rodgers might not even be the most physically gifted QB in his own division. Matt Stafford’s got a pretty sweet arm. Mitch Trubisky can run around and has a bazooka. Everyone just needs to get over the fact that the Patriots dynasty happened. I know you hate it. But just accept it. Brady is the GOAT. Rodgers STINKS.
  • Yeah, there will also be no highlights from Colts-Jags. Sorry.
  • Panthers are dead. R.I.P. in peace. Thought they were good. Turns out they aren’t.
  • Rough, ROUGH game from Cam-
  • I’m sick of Jameis not throwing interceptions. It’s sucking the fun out of the league. I’m revoking the Bucs’ offensive highlight privileges until further notice.
  • Thanks Bucs!
  • Aaron Donald is not human
  • If you sent Aaron Donald back in time 2000 years every country would be named after him today.
  • This game was surprisingly un-fun. Should have been 45-30 or something.
  • We get it, Todd. You want us to think you’re a smart player
  • This wasn’t even smart! Up seven with the two minute warning left and the Lions had a timeout. They wouldn’t have just run out the clock, or anything. Just score, bro. No one will think any less of you.
  • As someone who loves and appreciates the passing game, Ravens-Falcons offended me deeply. Lamar went 12/21 for 125 and Matt Ryan went 16/26 for 131 and a TD. Disgusting. No highlights will be posted because there weren’t any.
  • I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the late afternoon games because I was just focused on the Pats, but based on the numbers I’m seeing I didn’t miss much in the Jets-Titans game.
  • Mariota has to have a top-five ugliest interception reel
  • No Nut November ending means Josh McCown’s powers fade away
  • Titans are still alive but I give them a -598640568% chance of making the playoffs.
  • Obviously things like the Kareem Hunt situation aren’t exactly why I created this website so I won’t really comment on it. But I’ll just say things are looking even better for the Pats now.
  • I’ll just mark this game down as “Oakland’s Last Stand,” but no Super Bowl contender can sweat out wins against the 2018 Raiders.
  • At least they still get Big Macs
  • Imagine being able to throw a ball this fast?
  • Why is Jared Cook good now?
  • Listen, I get that the Chiefs have a lot on their minds. But this was a bad sign. They’re going to lose another game. The Pats aren’t. After all the hoopla and fanfare and handwringing, the Patriots will get home field advantage in the AFC.
  • Russell Wilson with the rare 4 TD pass, sub-200 yards passing game.
  • Seahawks with the rare sub-350 total yards, over 40 points game.
  • 98-yard pick-sixes will help with that
  • Mullens-to-Pettis is the new Montana-to-Rice
  • Listen, I’m not saying I’m scared of the Seahawks or anything. But if I were an NFC team, I’m not sure I’d want to see Seattle coming up on my schedule anytime soon.
  • Thanks, Niners!
  • We don’t have to dwell on the Pats’ demoralizing victory against the backbone-less Vikings, but I think we have to pour one out for Adam Thielen. His career might as well be over after what happened last night. From the worst TD celebration EVER
  • To the most mystifying decision in human history
  • What are you doing dude? Do you know how many guys have tried to get under Belichick’s skin? Let me rephrase that. Do you know how many better, more intimidating players have tried to get under Belichick’s skin? None of them succeeded, but your scrawny ass will? No offense, but give me a few years months of weight lifting and I’d be able to beat the hell out of you. Think twice before stepping to the NFL’s John Wick.
  • He dropped his next target after that exchange.
  • I misspoke when I said Josh Allen was the best running quarterback. It’s actually Tom Brady
  • Josh Gordon needs more touches
  • Pats are a lock for at least the AFC Championship Game. Ho-hum.
  • Thanks Vikings!
  • Chargers-Steelers was a legitimately good game. A true rarity this week.
  • I’m lazy so I’ll just post the long highlight video because there were too many crazy plays
  • I can’t stop watching this play/dance, though
  • How about Anthony Lynn being married to a news anchor?
  • NBC 4 is the New York City affiliate. Theoretically, if I watched NBC News, I could have Stacey Bell on my TV frequently. That means I’m more invested in this Chargers season than 99.99% of America. Crazy.

That’s it for this week. I’m just going to ignore the Monday night game and hope it goes away. That always works, right?

NFL Week 13 Picks

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Many people are going to be saying the Dallas Cowboys are now a team of destiny and a lock to win the Super Bowl. After all, when’s the last time an NFL team won four straight games? While I admit it’s hard to think of a better team in NFL history than the 2018 Cowboys, I must preach self-control. Don’t fall into the trap. The Cowboys are not going to win the Super Bowl, don’t worry. They will not win a single playoff game. Their defense is good, yes, but they have an absolutely dreadful offense. That’s not how you succeed in 2018. Not in this league. Many of you probably think I have a grudge against the Cowboys. The standard “I hate the Cowboys” mentality that nearly every non-Cowboys fan has. I really don’t. I hate Leighton Vander Esch, but not the Cowboys. I just find them unbearably boring and it bothers me that so much of the conversation about the NFL is focused on such an irrelevant team. If they were a legitimate threat to do something this season, by all means talk about them day and night. But why waste your breath on a team that’s only strategy is “hope the other team literally falls asleep because Dak is the most boring quarterback in NFL history, including Brad Johnson?” Seems counterintuitive, to me.

As for the Saints, I don’t know what the hell happened, but I wouldn’t be too worried. Many a foe have fallen victim to LVE’s unconquerable roid rage (allegedly).

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins (-3.5)

Dolphins only favored by 3.5 against the Buffalo Bills. Imagine ever thinking this team would live up to the hype.

Pick: Bills

Chicago Bears (-4) at New York Giants

Am I crazy or are things going a little too well for the Bears right now? I think they are. They’ve been feasting on bad teams lately, and while the Giants are also bad, they haven’t technically been eliminated from the playoffs yet, meaning they have at least one more inexplicable win left in them. Eli turns back the clock one more time. Also Mitch’s still out.

Pick: Giants

Arizona C*******s at Green Bay Packers (-14)

Like what did Aaron Rodgers accomplish over the course of the last two seasons that made him the GOAT in everyone’s mind? What changed? He missed the playoffs a few more times? That pushed him over the edge? The same thing’s happening with Brees. People (me) are now saying he’s top 3 ever, but he played at the exact same time as Peyton Manning as was literally never better than him. I’m sick of all this revisionist history just because Brees is having an unreal season and everyone hates the Pats. Five rings still matters, dammit! Rodgers also might be the worst person ever, BTW, but don’t let anyone know you know that. They don’t like it when you bring up that his teammates hate him and he sends unopened Christmas gifts back to his family.

Pick: C*******s

Denver Broncos (-5.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the league wanted the Broncos to stay red hot.

Pick: Broncos

Baltimore Ravens at Atlanta Falcons (-1.5)

The old black bird matchup. Classic rivalry. Throw out the record books when these two get together. Ravens have been given new life thanks to Lamar Jackson and a bad defense gift basket sent by the NFL. Well, umm, the Falcons are near the bottom of every defensive category. Yeah.

Pick: Ravens

Indianapolis Colts (-5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jags STTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Colts are completely back from the dead. Andrew Luck has never lost to an AFC South team (might not be true, but still).

Pick: Colts

Los Angeles Rams (-10) at Detroit Lions

Do you think Jared Goff has ever been within 500 miles of Detroit? What do you think he’ll make of the Motor City? Will he recognize Coney Dogs and square pizza as (delicious) food? How will he handle the cold and bleak cityscape? This whole team is way too Hollywood to survive in Detroit for long. Luckily they only have to stay for a week.

Pick: Rams

Carolina Panthers (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Pretty simple: Panthers have to win. Have to. Season’s pretty much done if they lose a fourth in a row, especially against a bad Bucs team. All I want is for Jameis/Fitz to get back to throwing a million funny picks.

Pick: Panthers

Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-6)

Just like I was able to sniff out the Broncos’ resurgence, I’m about to offer up another Fearless Prediction- the wheels are about to fall off the Texans’ bandwagon. I just don’t trust them. I think they stink. The defense is great, but it just feels like something’s missing. Are the Houston Texans really going to win nine in a row? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to get a bye? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to do anything other than lose on Wild Card Saturday or in New England the next week? No. Ride the Browns.

Pick: Browns

Kansas City Chiefs (-15.5) at Oakland Raiders

Here’s yet another fearless prediction- the Chiefs will win by a lot.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans (-8)

Puke.

Pick: Jets

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (-10)

The 2018 Seahawks don’t win by more than 4. Don’t look it up, it’s definitely true. This stinks to high heaven like a classic “Seahawks can’t get anything going and are down 10 with nine minutes left but all of a sudden Russell Wilson decides they’re just not going to lose” game. Seahawks by 3.

Pick: 49ers

Minnesota Vikings at New England Patriots (-5)

Listen. I very rarely go as far as to stake my reputation on a single pick. I’m not one for hyperbole. I don’t like to overreact. But hear me now: If this game ends in anything other than a Patriots’ 24+ point win I will (think about) retiring from weekly picks. Pats are going to massacre the Vikings. Kirk Cousins in New England in December. That’s all you need to know.

Pick: Pats

Los Angeles Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

Huge game. Important game. Chargers still aren’t technically out of the running for the number one seed. Steelers just had an absolutely excruciating loss in Denver, will obviously lose to New England in a few weeks, and still have to play the Saints. They need this game badly. Two high powered offenses. Two good-not-great defenses. Who will come out on top? Probably the Steelers because they’re at home and will get the benefit of at least one controversial call. And they’re just better.

Pick: Steelers

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)

This is just a personal insult.

Pick: Eagles

Monday Thoughts Week 12

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Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving weekend. I know the NFL did. Plenty of good games and the Giants lost, killing the “run the table” narrative that would have suffocated America before it really got going. Can’t ask for a better digestif for your Thanksgiving meal. Important week as we approach Scenario SZN, so, naturally, this is an important edition of Monday Thoughts™.

  • If you thought that because the Thanksgiving games were included in the weekly picks they’d be included in Monday Thoughts™, you thought wrong, friend.
  • Guess I should mention that Texans’ owner Bob McNair died, but did anyone actually like him? Pretty sure every player hated him. RIP in peace.
  • Pats are back, but, more importantly, Gronk is back
  • Pats committed a holding penalty the play before, and instead of declining the penalty and making it 4th down, Todd Bowles decided to accept it and give Tom Brady another chance. I was just as surprised they scored as you were, believe me.
  • Josh McCown hurt his thumb and they did a close up of it as he walked off the field there was a perfect outline of his penis. I tried very hard to find a clip but came up empty. I may have been put on some kind of watchlist, though.
  • McCown is addicted to getting helicoptered
  • Cordarrelle Patterson: WWE heel
  • This was a very penis-centric game. Even more so than a normal NFL game.
  • Jameis didn’t throw any interceptions this week, thus sucking all the fun out of the Niners-Bucs game.
  • Beginning to think there was a legitimate reason Nick Mullens was the Niners’ third-string QB.
  • We don’t talk about Mike Evans enough
  • He’s really good. Still remember him from the Johnny Football era
  • I was so wrapped up in Johnny Mania. The most must-watch athlete of my college years.
  • Adam Humphries- sneaky quick
  • Is it just me or does it seem like the Bucs have played 20 games this season? Probably just me.
  • I’m willing to call the Bengals the worst team in the league.
  • Baker is already the best QB to wear the orange and brown since they returned to Cleveland.
  • I swear that pushing your teammates to gain yards was outlawed not that long ago
  • Big time revenge game for the Browns against erstwhile head coach Hue Jackson. Damarious Randall remembers him fondly this holiday season
  • Baker was less charitable
  • Browns are hot. Hottest they’ve been since the Mesozoic Era.
  • America thanks you, Eagles. Not for they way you play, or anything. For beating the Giants.
  • This put the Giants up 19-3 and they lost
  • Blowing a lead to this Eagles team is pretty bad. They quit if they get off the bus wrong.
  • Michael Bennett’s jersey has to violate some part of the uniform policy
  • As far as I can tell, the record for catches by a tight end in a season is 102 by Tony Gonzalez in 2004. Zach Ertz has 84 through 11 games, putting him on pace for 122. Just something to watch.
  • I hate the Eagles’ black jerseys. Don’t really care what the public opinion of them is.
  • Jags-Bills was, predictably, an affront to my eyeballs.
  • It did have the return of the Yung GOAT, though
  • 8/19, look out league.
  • Not sure why the Bills went with the throwback logo on the helmet, but I’m not complaining.
  • Despite what the haters are saying, I am not enjoying this Jags’ collapse at all. It makes me sick to my stomach to see this group of hard-working, humble, determined guys struggle to win games. They had such a bright future.
  • JK I love each successive Jaguars loss.
  • I was going to ask why Gus Edwards has consecutive 100+ yard rushing games but then I realized the Ravens have played the Bengals and Raiders these last two weeks.
  • This game was boring as shit, but the Ravens have very good Color Rush jerseys
  • (This man will never post T-Sizzle highlights. Never.)
  • Seahawks are getting dangerously close to “team no one wants to play” territory.
  • Panthers are entering “team everyone wants to play” territory.
  • If you ask the Panthers to stop running reverses to Curtis Samuel, you’re going to be disappointed in the answer
  • Christian McCaffrey had a massive game. 125 yards rushing. 11 catches, 112 yards receiving. Two TDs. He also set white skill guys back 20 years by getting caught from behind on this run
  • Come on, man! How am I supposed to explain to my son that his hero didn’t score because he’s only deceptively athletic, not actually athletic? Think about the next generation.
  • Seahawks’ receivers spend the entire week practicing cellys
  • Russell Wilson’s having one of those seasons where every game results in a 4th quarter comeback
  • I refuse to believe David Moore only has 22 caches this season. He scores every game.
  • I wonder if all parties involved could recreate this if they were given 1,000 chances
  • Considering how little I trust pretty much every NFC team, I’m going to say the Seahawks are going to be playing in the conference title game. Actually, I guarantee it.
  • The Chargers obviously beat the hell out of the C*******s, but I’ve got a serious problem with something that happened during the game. Phil Rivers started the game with 25 straight completed passes, a new record. If he got to 26, it would be an NFL record for most consecutive completions at any point in a game/games. I can’t find the video for some reason, but the Chargers called a like, nine step drop with a terrible route combination for what would have been completion number 26 in a row. It had no chance. How did they do my man Phil like that? How does no one buzz the offensive coordinator and tell him to call a quick screen or something? Hasn’t Phil done enough for San Diego Los Angeles to get some courtesy from his coaches? The Chargers screwed Phil out of an NFL record for no reason whatsoever. SMH.
  • Fire jerseys, though
  • Ryan Tannehill is back just in time to put together some decent stat lines so people start thinking next year is The Year.
  • This game is exactly why I’m an Andrew Luck hater. This was back-to-back passes
  • This doesn’t work against real teams. Sure, you can get away with this against the Dolphins or Alex Smith Chiefs, but when you get to actual competition (i.e., the Pats) these mistakes are murder. But the final statline looked good so it’s okay and he’s great.
  • Turns out Eric Ebron’s just a late bloomer
  • See guys, not everyone succeeds right away. Sometimes it takes people a few years after college to really find their footing. Maybe even longer. Just because other people from their class are building fulfilling careers and putting that hard earned education to work doesn’t mean someone’s a failure if they aren’t. You know, not everyone has a website a few dozen people read, so who’s really succeeding, anyway? Wait, are we still talking about Ebron?
  • Score one more for the “Broncos are kind of good” crowd. Oh, you weren’t part of it? Only I was? Huh. Imagine not being a football genius (I know I didn’t pick them this week but whatever).
  • Not that I was nervous in any way about them, but games like this put me more at ease that the Same Old Steelers will lose to the Pats when it counts.
  • Classic Philly Special
  • Hope AB wasn’t watching when Juju went 97 yards for the second straight season
  • Think I say this every week, but this is legitimately one of the five worst throws I’ve ever seen
  • Broncos are kind of like the AFC Cowboys. Nothing really happens during their games but they manage to be okay.
  • I guess today was Color Rush day, or something. Broncos should switch to these helmets full-time
  • I’m not sure if I’ve ever gone into this before, but I know I’ve thought about it a million times- how did Pepsi become the official soft drink of the NFL? Was this a Steph Curry-Nike situation and Coke called them the AFL or something in the pitch? I know there are the hipsters out there who prefer Pepsi, but let’s be real here- the NFL can’t associate itself with a second-class product. Coke is bigger and better, and the fact that the NFL has to slap a Pepsi logo on the Super Bowl halftime show is way worse for the league than CTE. Dr. Pepper is the best of the Big 3, don’t @ me.
  • While it’s tempting to just say every non-Aaron Rodgers aspect of the Packers’ organization is bad without giving any blame to the supposed best quarterback of all time, I think both can be applicable. Mike McCarthy is a bad coach. Their defense is bad. Their skill guys are alright, but not world-altering. But Aaron Rodgers just kind of sucks, sometimes. Last night he was bad. No one will say it, but he was bad. He probably cost them the game and likely cost them the playoffs, again. But he’s better than Brady, who’s suddenly looking at a first round bye for the thousandth year in a row.
  • What happened to Xavier Rhodes? Wasn’t he an All-Pro, like, last year? Now they’re talking about him on the broadcast like he can’t cover anyone one-on-one.
  • This play reminds me of freshman football back in high school
  • Whenever a punt was short or non-returnable (pretty much always) we yelled “poison” to make everyone get away from the ball. One time there was a “poison” call and a kid ran towards the ball, tried to pick it up, and lost the ball. I just remember the coach screaming in a very defeated dad voice “poison, Joey, poison!” It was funny, believe me. Also lead to an all time locker room rant.
  • Every Stefon Diggs catch either goes for 35 yards or less than five
  • Adam Thielen: Gritty
  • The Vikings seem to be back in some semblance of control over their playoff destiny. The Packers are out barring a miracle. I fully expect the Packers to make the playoffs and the Vikings to miss, just because that’s usually how things work for these franchises.

That’ll do it for this edition of Monday Thoughts™. Unfortunately, I will be unable to watch tonight’s thrilling Titans-Texans game since I’ll be seeing Creed II in one of the new Dolby Cinema theaters. I know, I can’t believe I would intentionally miss such an interesting game, either.