Don’t know why I got my hopes up. Of course the Pats took a random guard at 23 and not the most dynamic college football player since Tim Tebow. Ravens will just take him at 25. Worst case scenario. Never convince yourself Bill Belichick will draft someone fun and splashy, it’ll save you a lot of disappointment.
Remember football? Remember the NFL? Remember the Super Bowl? I don’t. It happened so long ago I don’t even remember who the two teams were. Must have been a pretty boring game. Since it’s been roughly three years since the season ended, you know what that means- it’s time for the NFL Draft! Everyone’s (my) favorite way to spend 18 hours over the course of three days. While I’m afraid my typical wall to wall viewing experience will be interrupted this year (Avengers tomorrow night, bitchesssssss! Let’sss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Also doing something special on Saturday), I’ll still watch the first round without distraction, which means it’s time to dive headfirst into this year’s draft class. So dust off your DVD of Draft Day and get settled in, it’s gonna be a long night.
Guys I Like
Baker Mayfield- I’d be so upset if he went to the Jets. Not because I’d be worried, but because I know they’d ruin him.
Lamar Jackson- He’s pretty much Hermes if Hermes was real and played football and was also being criminally undervalued.
Quenton Nelson- The most foolproof player in the draft, which means he’ll be a huge bust.
Bradley Chubb- Feels like the defensive version of Nelson. Can’t see him failing.
Derwin James- Before the year he was a consensus top-5 pick, and now he’s dropping because his team had a bad year? I’ll gladly take him on my team.
Roquon Smith- I have literally no data to back this up, but I feel like linebackers have a much higher success rate than most positions.
Denzel Ward- Can he match last year’s crazy rookie corner production? I think so.
Josh Rosen- The ultimate victim of too-much-predraft-analysis, I’m still on the Rosen train.
Vita Vea- I just like his hair.
Jaryd Jones-Smith- Did I just make him up or is he a real person? Tune in to find out.
Sony Michell- Could easily see him dipping his toes into the “so underrated he’s overrated” pool.
Brian Curran- Guy’s a winner, plain and simple.
Guys I Don’t Like
Josh Allen- How many times have we seen this movie before? And teams still fall for it. He’s going to S U C K.
Sam Darnold- Guy stinks.
Saquon Barkley- Purely from a value standpoint. He’s a physical freak, but so are Kareem Hunt and Alvin Kamara. And they went in the third round.
Marcus Davenport- When the last time a project d-end taken in the first round actually worked?
Calvin Ridley- I think he’s like, 35 years old.
Vontae Mack- His tweets are a little too distracting for my taste.
Kolton Miller- Such an aggressively white millennial name.
Natrell Jamerson- Another round of real or fake?
Isaiah Wynn- Just kind of picked a name.
Mason Rudolph- We really saying he’s good?
Guys I Want the Patriots to Draft
Guys I Don’t Want the Patriots to Draft
Random offensive linemen who aren’t Lamar Jackson
Literally anyone not named Lamar Jackson
Things I’m Thinking About Eating Tonight
The chicken fajitas I was gonna cook last night but there was a mix up with the gas company and our gas was turned off so if they fix it I could just cook tonight but it’s Draft Day, so why bother?
These drunken noodles from this Thai place that I’m kind of addicted to.
A ton of snacks
Best Things About the Movie Draft Day
Sonny Weaver trading three first round picks for the number one overall pick, despite the fact that he admits seconds later that he knows nothing about the presumed number one overall pick.
The fact that the supposed superstar coach is dead set on taking a running back in the top ten.
A Wisconsin QB is the top prospect.
The way the trainer let’s you know the Browns have a star receiver by telling the GM of the team that he’s a star wide receiver.
That literally no one on the team went to Bo Callahan’s birthday party.
The pregnancy and ashes subplots.
The fact that an undersized linebacker would go number one in 2014.
The fact that the Seahawks got worked over worse than anyone in history has ever been worked over.
That a running back, a linebacker, and a punt returner was what convinced Coach Penn to stay, despite the fact that they still had Brian Hoyer Drew at QB.
The fact that Ray Jenkins was excited to go to the Browns.
Teams That Will Definitely Have Good Drafts
Teams That Will Definitely Have Bad Drafts
Things to Do When It’s the Sixth Round and You Want to Stop Watching But You Can’t
Try and find the next Tom Brady.
Convince yourself that guard out of Howard is actually the steal of the draft.
See if you can match Mel Kiper’s no-bathroom-breaks record.
Think about finding more friends/hobbies.
Become fluent in Mike Mayock-isms.
Wonder where, if things just broke a little bit better for you, you would have been drafted.
Get way too hyped for a season in which your team won’t win anything.
Which Avengers Would Make It in the NFL?
Literally all of them.
Why Hasn’t There Been Another Pokemon Football Draft?
Because I forgot about it until right now and it’s too much work to get it done before the draft.
I should do round three, though. Third Gen is probably the most top end talent of any class.
On A Scale of 1-10, How Hyped Are You For the 2018 NFL Draft?
source– Former LSU running back Derrius Guice said in an interview Wednesday that one NFL team asked about his sexuality and another inquired if his mother was a prostitute at the NFL Scouting Combine that concluded earlier this week.
‘’It was pretty crazy,” Guice said in an interview on the SiriusXM NFL show Late Hits. “Some people are really trying to get in your head and test your reaction. … I go in one room, and a team will ask me do I like men, just to see my reaction. I go in another room, they’ll try to bring up one of my family members or something and tell me, ‘Hey, I heard your mom sells herself. How do you feel about that?’ “
So this is the big story in the NFL right now. Happens every year. Some prospect gets asked an outlandish, very inappropriate question by an anonymous scout. This time, it’s LSU running back Derrius Guice being asked if he’s gay and if his mom’s a prostitute. In years past, there was Dez being asked if his mom was a hooker, various people being asked when they lost their virginity, what type of underwear they prefer, whether they’d want to play for the Browns, and other intrusive, personal questions no one should have to answer in a job interview. These questions are so uncalled for, in fact, that it makes me think that the coaches and scouts have agreed to ask these questions as a way to find who’s more likely to run to the press whenever something goes wrong.
Think about it: do you want Dez Bryant or Derrius Guice on your team? I don’t. He’s got distraction written all over him. What happens in the locker room/combine interview room stays in the locker room, man. I guarantee whatever team drafts him is gonna have some “anonymous player” leak issues. If he runs to the media every time someone insinuates his mom is a prostitute, what’s gonna happen when he gets called out in a players’ only meeting? A piece in the Players’ Tribune? No thanks. I’ll take the guy who internalizes the weird questions and swallows his feelings like a real man. Think it’s a coincidence scouts didn’t ask Jason Witten if he thinks his mother is attractive?
Listen, the NFL is a brotherhood. We all know this. Everyone gone through this process: you work out in your underwear while older men eye you up and down, then you get asked weird questions to see if you’re mentally tough enough to keep your mouth shut. It’s not that hard. Guice is a talented player, but why should anyone draft someone so fragile? What do you think Mike Singletary would think about players who leak their combine questions?
What a day. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the crisp winter air is refreshing, and the snow is mostly melted and not a disgusting slushy hellscape. I’m feeling good and flying high. After all, I’m coming off a great weekend. Absolutely nothing went wrong! Everything went my way, right down to the fact that the huge amount of pizza I ordered to comfort my weeping soul celebrate was late. Can’t get much better.
Anyway, I think it’s time I find a new place to live. Preferably one in complete isolation where no one can bother me and no one knows what a strip sack is. Luckily, the cave market is really buyer friendly right now, so I’ve been going through some of the more appealing options. Here’s a few of the good ones:
What’s the biggest credo among real estate agents? “Location, location, location.” Well, this quaint beachfront property is all about location. Look at that view! Talk about a relaxing escape. Perfect for forgetting about the failures of your football team. Also perfect to get washed away in a high tide. Unfortunately, I’m not that depressed, so being able to avoid drowning is a big plus for me. Plus, since it’s right on the beach, you never know who can just show up at your cave. Part of being a good hermit is the ability to avoid people at all costs. For these two reasons, I’m out.
A cave in the middle of the desert, what’s not to like? No neighbors, no cold, no life in any direction. Well, except the rattlesnakes. And the scorpions. And whatever genies live deep within the bowels of this cavern. I don’t know much in this world, but I do know cursed deserts are real and very mysterious. You ever played Uncharted 3? Yeah, then you know. I’m not looking to get lost for all eternity or anger a dark spirit of the sands or have to fight the Scorpion King. No thanks.
Another intriguing option, this ice cave is in the perfect neighborhood to avoid human contact. People hate the cold, so why would they come here? I’m from Vermont, so as much as I’ll complain about it, cold is in my blood. I thrive in cold. Plus, in every ice cave there’s a 50% of finding either Articuno or the Fortress of Solitude. You also have a 50% of falling into an icy crevasse never to be seen again. Plus, there’s not a lot of food or shelter in an ice cave. Probably can’t go to the store and get a couple boxes of Cheez-Its for the weekend if you live in the arctic. Icy tundras are also where the Elder Gods tend to rest, awaiting the planetary alignment that will signal their awakening after ten thousand years of slumber. I don’t want to risk being there when that happens. Think I’m gonna have to pass.
Now we’re getting into the best of the best. This Precambrian era rock formation offers all the comfort of yesteryear with the amenities of today. Being on a mountainside offers natural protection from the elements and bothersome passersby, and offers scenic views of the surrounding area. Good chance there’s some friendly mountain troll neighbors, too. Unfortunately, being hard to get to means that it’ll be hard to get all my stuff there, too. I mean, I don’t really know how long I’ll be in this cave. Books can only last me so long. I need TV, PlayStation, Nintendo Switch, and an internet router. Might be tough to set up so high above sea level.
We’ve almost got a winner. This cave in the middle of the rainforest offers breathtaking views, floral and faunal diversity, and friendly natives who keep everyone else away. Unfortunately for me, those same natives have probably booby-trapped the hell out of this cave. Sure I might find priceless treasures and powerful artifacts, but one wrong step and I’m skewered on a wooden spike or poisoned by a million darts. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that I have zero chance of getting out alive. I’m also not too keen on being shredded alive by a giant predator time forgot or a tribal god seeking human sacrifice.
I think I’ve found the one! Just like the rainforest cave, this little number has great views and great animal neighbors. Unlike the rainforest, this regular forest is peaceful and uninhabited. The only possible drawback is the small chance that this is in a haunted forest. But I can deal with ghosts. I just won’t go out at night and listen to music or white noise or something while I sleep to drown out the cries and moans of the tortured phantoms that share my forest home. You might think that the dense growth of trees may effect wifi strength, which may be true, but I figure it would only be a matter of time until half the trees are cut down to put a cellphone tower near me. There’s really no downside. There’s probably also a highway pretty close by, so once I find out the Internet has moved on from making fun of the Patriots I can rejoin society. Can’t wait to move!
Here we are. The Big Game. The one for all the marbles. The Super Bowl. It’s been a long road to get here, but finally the culmination of this NFL season is on the horizon. Patriots versus Eagles. A month and a half ago, this seemed like the obvious, preordained matchup. Now, one team is playing with house money and the other trying to add to an already unassailable legacy. Barring a noteworthy loss, this is almost a no-lose scenario for both. If the Eagles lose, what, was Nick Foles really supposed to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl? If the Pats lose it sucks, but they’ve already won five. Are they suddenly failures now? Maybe these seemingly low stakes are why it’s been such a quiet two weeks. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a great game. After all, it is the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots (-4.5)
I’ll be honest- this line is too high. I’m not the first to say it, but it really should be 3. In my mind, this is just a mirror image of the AFC Championship game. The Eagles have one of the three best defenses in the NFL, an explosive defensive line, and a competent offense. They have more weapons than the Jags, and Nick Foles is proof that pretty much any NFL QB can be good if they’re in the right system (maybe the NFL doesn’t have a quarterback problem, but a coach problem?). Considering the way they just dispatched of the Vikings, who have an objectively superior defense to the Pats, it would be foolish to completely dismiss Foles and the Eagles’ offense. But that’s the thing: the Pats aren’t the Vikings. The second the Eagles took the lead, the Vikings quit because they knew it was over. The Pats don’t start trying until they’re down two scores. You can throw out all the numbers you want, but this is pretty simple- the Eagles aren’t going to blow the Pats out, so if the game is on the line, who do you trust? The backup QB who may have had a legitimate out-of-body experience last week and a second year head coach straight off the Andy Reid coaching tree or Brady and Belichick? Actually, here’s a few numbers for you: first is the widely circulated (too widely circulated?) stat that Brady has never lost a playoff game to a team they didn’t play in the regular season. 15-0. Pats and Eagles did not play in the regular season. Second, here’s one I made up myself- Brady has lost one (1) playoff game to a team that did not already have a Super Bowl win when he became the starter in 2001. That one? The flukiest of a fluke losses to the Jets after the 2010 season. This Eagles team is waaaaaay better than the Jets, which means they won’t sneak up on the Pats, and they have enough Loser DNA to keep them down. 4.5 seems like too many points, and it probably is, but, in instances like this, I think the best advice you can give is only take the underdog if you think they can win. I think I said this last year, but close your eyes and try to imagine a future in which the Philadelphia Eagles, lead by Nicholas E. Foles, actually beat the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. If you can, you have a better imagination than I do. Tom Brady’s son better pucker up, because daddy’s winning number 6.
Pick: Pats -4.5
BONUS PROP BETS
National Anthem: Over 2:00 -200
Coin Toss: Heads -105
P!nk’s Hair Color: Green +400
How Many Times Will Tom Brady’s Age Be Mentioned: Over 1.5 -350
How Many Time Will Carson Wentz Be Mentioned: Over 3.5 -250
What Color Liquid: Clear/Water +400
Higher- Pats’ Total Points or Kyrie Irving Points+Assists vs. Blazers: Kyrie (assuming he plays) -230