My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I hope this finds you well. I understand this is a busy time for you and your staff, but, assuming you’re reading this, it appears I was correct in assuming my oversized envelope labeled only with magazine cutout letters spelling “I have Mrs. Claus” caught your attention. I realize it may seem extreme, but you do what you have to to stand out. To clarify: I do not actually have Mrs. Claus, so if she is currently missing, I would appreciate being removed from the suspect list. Thank you.

Anyway, as I’m sure you know, it’s the Christmas season. And, again, as I’m sure you know, the Christmas season is all about other people to buying you things. Or something. Either way, you’re the man to turn to when it comes getting stuff you want without paying for it, so I figured I’d drop you a line. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I have been good this year. I rounded up my change to help St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital the last time I went to the mall, I exposed a deep-seated conspiracy that goes back decades, I helped prop up the struggling hot dog industry, I saved New York City, and I recycle. Sure, I’m not perfect. I don’t always come to a complete stop at stop signs. I downloaded some music without paying for it. I speak to my family only slightly more often than Aaron Rodgers does. But I think you’ll find the good far outweighs the bad, and that I’m more than eligible for a haul of Christmas gifts. And while this is more of a guideline than a list of demands, I would prefer if you kind of stick to the script. I know it’s your workshop’s specialty and all, but I’ll be pissed if I get some crappy wooden toy. It’s 2017, the last thing in the world I need to a wood dog with wheels that I can pull around. Just give me coal instead, at least it has a practical use. Anyway, without further ado, I present my 2017 Christmas List.

• A ton of money
• My own Chick-fil-a franchise
• A Japanese Cherry Tree sapling imported from Tokyo
• The complete Take That discography
• A signed copy of The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance
• 20 more years of Tom Brady
• A pony
• One of the Crown Jewels, don’t really care which
• A stylish collection of ascots so I can add some smoking lounge chic to my wardrobe
• Gold
• Frankensense
• Myrrh
• A couple Bitcoins
• A Nintendo Switch with Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey
• An end to fast food regionalism so I can have In-n-Out, Whataburger, Bojangles, Raising Cane’s, Zaxby’s, Cook Out, and every other Southern place without having to base a vacation around trying them
• An all-expenses-paid vacation to go to every regional fast food place in America
• An apparel and shoe sponsorship with Nike, Adidas, or Under Armour
• Musical talent
• A saltwater aquarium complete with a full range of fish. Seahorses are most important aspect
• An appointment with the Pimp My Ride crew
• A 10-day contract with literally any NBA team
• Make UConn men’s basketball better
• A role as whatever superhero is left in the next round of Marvel movies
• A pair of game-worn Pitbull gloves
• Access to the Book of Secrets
• Tickets to Hamilton so I can tell people I’ve seen Hamilton
• Matchstick Men on DVD
• Russia to get re-instated into the Olympics so there’s someone to root against
• Russia to win the World Cup in the most obviously rigged way possible because it would actually be kind of funny
• A job as a nature documentary cameraman
• My own used car dealership
• A better cable company than Optimum
• A private jet
• Some kind of holiday in August
• To find a hidden oil reserve in my backyard
• A better feel for interior decorating
• A lifetime supply of Cheez-It
• A lifetime supply of DiGiorno
• My own Margaritaville location
• A time machine
• Another time machine that I can give to a responsible person to undo anything I would do using my time machine
• Better WiFi
• A complete brontosaurus fossil
• Someone who follows me around telling me not to eat all the really unhealthy stuff I eat
• My own house flipping reality tv show
• A good app idea that someone else designs but I get to sell
• An English bulldog
• Some new Transformers. Don’t know what they’re like now but I want to get back in the game
• Another pony so the first pony has some company
• My own Domino’s franchise
• Diplomatic immunity in every part of the world except New England
• A Manhattan brownstone
• No more automated calls
• A maid who’s only job is to fold laundry
• The eradication of Dominick the Donkey and everyone who likes it
• World peace and all that
• An authentic Turboman

Continued on next three pages. Make sure to read all of it.

Thanks in advance and Merry Christmas,

Brian