Now That the Browns Have Fired Their GM, Is it Time for Me to Throw My Hat in the Ring?


ESPN– The Cleveland Browns fired Sashi Brown, their executive vice president of football operations, on Thursday. Brown headed the personnel department for the past two years.

Head coach Hue Jackson will remain on the job and will return for the 2018 season, “but we feel it is necessary to take significant steps to strengthen our personnel department,” owner Jimmy Haslam said in a statement.

Other front-office members also are expected to be let go as the team reshapes its front office again, sources told ESPN.

First of all, R.I.P. to Sashi Brown’s career. When the Cleveland Browns think they can do better than you, that’s got to be a death blow. Also, how can you be fired from the Browns if your last name is Brown? Doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, now that the Browns are once again searching for leadership, it got me thinking that it might be time for me to step into the NFL front office world. I realize the Browns aren’t exactly the ideal starting point, but what better way to become a legend than turning the Browns into contenders? People may say that I have no qualifications or experience, and, though it’s true I haven’t actually worked for an NFL team before, I have a functioning brain, which is more than I can say for 99% of all NFL executives. The Browns also hired the guy Jonah Hill played in Moneyball to run the show, so the Browns saying I have no NFL qualifications would be pretty rich. I’ve played a lot, and I mean a lot, of Madden. I’ve done an infinite amount of fantasy drafts, so I know how roster construction works, and I passed fifth grade math, so I think I can figure out how to manipulate the salary cap in my favor. Lastly, as I’m sure you’re all aware, I’m an NFL expert. I don’t think I’ve gotten a single pick wrong this whole year. I know the league inside and out, and, again, I have a brain. I can fix the Browns. Matter of fact, I can take the Browns to the Super Bowl within five years. Actually, make that three. If the Browns hire me as GM, they’ll win the Super Bowl three years from now. How? Well, I’m glad you asked. I hereby present my simple fifteen-step plan to fix the Cleveland Browns.

  1. Get a new coach. Hue Jackson stinks. The new coach would preferably be a good coach.
  2. Make sure LeBron leaves this offseason. Cleveland isn’t a “three good teams” kind of city. Just to be safe I might ensure Francisco Lindor has a serious “accident” on the way to Spring Training.
  3. Give Josh Gordon as much money as he wants to make sure he stays around forever.
  4. Stop drafting bad players.
  5. Draft good players.
  6. Don’t sign bad players in free agency.
  7. Scour other teams’ practice squads to find cheap, overlooked talent that will allow me to game the salary cap system by building the roster around minimum wage and rookie-deal players while paying huge money to good free agents, most of which will play offensive or defensive line and defensive back.
  8. Take every “freak athlete but raw” project player that teams give up on after two years.
  9. Unless they’re a key player, cut anyone with an adidas or Under Armour sponsorship. Nike pays the bills around here.
  10. Build a new stadium (using tax player money, of course) as far away from Lake Erie as possible while still being able to claim to be in Cleveland. Too much bad history.
  11. Go back to the uniforms from three years ago.
  12. Call Calvin Johnson and give him 35% franchise ownership if he comes back.
  13. Trade down from the number one pick so I can get more picks and draft Lamar Jackson.
  14. Strongly encourage my coach to play a hyper-aggressive, never punt, go deep all game, all-or-nothing style that leads to blowouts when it goes well.
  15. Profit.

That’s it. That’s my plan in a nutshell. If I’m given the freedom I need, Browns are Super Bowl champs in 2021 at the latest. Can’t wait to get into the Hall of Fame.

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