2018 NFL Draft Preview


Remember football? Remember the NFL? Remember the Super Bowl? I don’t. It happened so long ago I don’t even remember who the two teams were. Must have been a pretty boring game. Since it’s been roughly three years since the season ended, you know what that means- it’s time for the NFL Draft! Everyone’s (my) favorite way to spend 18 hours over the course of three days. While I’m afraid my typical wall to wall viewing experience will be interrupted this year (Avengers tomorrow night, bitchesssssss! Let’sss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Also doing something special on Saturday), I’ll still watch the first round without distraction, which means it’s time to dive headfirst into this year’s draft class. So dust off your DVD of Draft Day and get settled in, it’s gonna be a long night.

Guys I Like

  • Baker Mayfield- I’d be so upset if he went to the Jets. Not because I’d be worried, but because I know they’d ruin him.
  • Lamar Jackson- He’s pretty much Hermes if Hermes was real and played football and was also being criminally undervalued.
  • Quenton Nelson- The most foolproof player in the draft, which means he’ll be a huge bust.
  • Bradley Chubb- Feels like the defensive version of Nelson. Can’t see him failing.
  • Derwin James- Before the year he was a consensus top-5 pick, and now he’s dropping because his team had a bad year? I’ll gladly take him on my team.
  • Roquon Smith- I have literally no data to back this up, but I feel like linebackers have a much higher success rate than most positions.
  • Denzel Ward- Can he match last year’s crazy rookie corner production? I think so.
  • Josh Rosen- The ultimate victim of too-much-predraft-analysis, I’m still on the Rosen train.
  • Vita Vea- I just like his hair.
  • Jaryd Jones-Smith- Did I just make him up or is he a real person? Tune in to find out.
  • Sony Michell- Could easily see him dipping his toes into the “so underrated he’s overrated” pool.
  • Brian Curran- Guy’s a winner, plain and simple.

Guys I Don’t Like

  • Josh Allen- How many times have we seen this movie before? And teams still fall for it. He’s going to S U C K.
  • Sam Darnold- Guy stinks.
  • Saquon Barkley- Purely from a value standpoint. He’s a physical freak, but so are Kareem Hunt and Alvin Kamara. And they went in the third round.
  • Marcus Davenport- When the last time a project d-end taken in the first round actually worked?
  • Calvin Ridley- I think he’s like, 35 years old.
  • Vontae Mack- His tweets are a little too distracting for my taste.
  • Kolton Miller- Such an aggressively white millennial name.
  • Natrell Jamerson- Another round of real or fake?
  • Isaiah Wynn- Just kind of picked a name.
  • Mason Rudolph- We really saying he’s good?

Guys I Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson
  • Lamar Jackson

Guys I Don’t Want the Patriots to Draft

  • Random offensive linemen who aren’t Lamar Jackson
  • Literally anyone not named Lamar Jackson

Things I’m Thinking About Eating Tonight

  • Pizza
  • McDonald’s
  • Wings
  • The chicken fajitas I was gonna cook last night but there was a mix up with the gas company and our gas was turned off so if they fix it I could just cook tonight but it’s Draft Day, so why bother?
  • Taco Bell
  • These drunken noodles from this Thai place that I’m kind of addicted to.
  • A ton of snacks

Best Things About the Movie Draft Day

  • Sonny Weaver trading three first round picks for the number one overall pick, despite the fact that he admits seconds later that he knows nothing about the presumed number one overall pick.
  • The fact that the supposed superstar coach is dead set on taking a running back in the top ten.
  • A Wisconsin QB is the top prospect.
  • The way the trainer let’s you know the Browns have a star receiver by telling the GM of the team that he’s a star wide receiver.
  • That literally no one on the team went to Bo Callahan’s birthday party.
  • The pregnancy and ashes subplots.
  • The fact that an undersized linebacker would go number one in 2014.
  • The fact that the Seahawks got worked over worse than anyone in history has ever been worked over.
  • That a running back, a linebacker, and a punt returner was what convinced Coach Penn to stay, despite the fact that they still had Brian Hoyer Drew at QB.
  • The fact that Ray Jenkins was excited to go to the Browns.

Teams That Will Definitely Have Good Drafts

  • Cardinals
  • Ravens
  • Panthers
  • Bengals
  • Cowboys
  • Lions
  • Texans
  • Jaguars
  • Chargers
  • Dolphins
  • Patriots
  • Giants
  • Raiders
  • Steelers
  • Seahawks
  • Titans

Teams That Will Definitely Have Bad Drafts

  • Falcons
  • Bills
  • Bears
  • Browns
  • Broncos
  • Packers
  • Colts
  • Chiefs
  • Rams
  • Vikings
  • Saints
  • Jets
  • Eagles
  • 49ers
  • Bucs
  • Redskins

Things to Do When It’s the Sixth Round and You Want to Stop Watching But You Can’t

  • Try and find the next Tom Brady.
  • Convince yourself that guard out of Howard is actually the steal of the draft.
  • See if you can match Mel Kiper’s no-bathroom-breaks record.
  • Think about finding more friends/hobbies.
  • Become fluent in Mike Mayock-isms.
  • Wonder where, if things just broke a little bit better for you, you would have been drafted.
  • Get way too hyped for a season in which your team won’t win anything.

Which Avengers Would Make It in the NFL?

  • Literally all of them.

Why Hasn’t There Been Another Pokemon Football Draft?

  • Because I forgot about it until right now and it’s too much work to get it done before the draft.
  • I should do round three, though. Third Gen is probably the most top end talent of any class.

On A Scale of 1-10, How Hyped Are You For the 2018 NFL Draft?

  • 12

One thought on “2018 NFL Draft Preview”

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