Ho-hum. Another week, another team participating in voluntary Color Rush dominating. I, for one, can’t believe it. Who would have thought that wearing superior jerseys would allow teams to play better? Not I, that’s for sure. Surprised the NFL allowed the Pats to wear them, honestly. Because now they’re rolling. Julian Edelman is back, Gronk is back, Josh Gordon is about to take off, they have the best running back duo in the NFL, the defense is still bad but whatever, the good Pats are back. Can’t believe that, either.
I know I’ve been Andrew Luck Stinks guy, but man, he’s got absolutely no one out there. Throwing to Chester Rogers and Zach Pascal with the worst offensive line these eyes have ever seen. Tough to win like that. But yeah, the Colts are definitely the Pats’ rival. On the the rest of week 5.
Atlanta Falcons at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)
I clearly need to change my viewpoint on the Falcons. Until now, I had been thinking of them as a normal team with a lot of talent and not as one that suffered the worst loss in the history of pro sports when they blew a 28-3 third quarter lead against the Patriots in the Super Bowl two years ago. That changes now. Imagine putting on the pads and getting taped up and
taking painkillers getting fired up to play some NFL defense, then remembering you didn’t ask Tom Brady’s permission to play this game and now you’re worried if he might get mad at you later. It’s gotta be tough. If the Falcons didn’t even field a defense I think they’d have a better chance of winning games. With Le’veon Bell hinting he’ll try and return in week 7, the Steel Curtain’s Impending Drama powers will activate. Steelers will win BIG. They’re still terrible, though.
Green Bay Packers (-1) at Detroit Lions
Aaron Rodgers has played 16 games against the Lions in his career. A full season, if you will. He’s gone 13-3 with 4,058 yards, 34-6 TD-INT, and a passer rating of 109.4. For context, Rodgers’ career passer rating is 103.6, which is the highest in NFL history. The Lions are “holding” opposing QBs to a 104.3 passer rating. You do the math.
New York Giants at Carolina Panthers (-6)
If possible, I would advise against watching more of this game than you have to. Panthers love to grind out games because it works, and the Giants have no choice but to grind out games since they’re so bad. Panthers are just better. If they score 24 points it’s over.
Denver Broncos at New York Jets (Pick)
This makes absolutely no sense to me. The Jets are HORRIBLE. They might be the worst team in the AFC East, which is saying something. And this is despite winning the Super Bowl in week 1! It’s crazy how far they’ve fallen (except they’re the Jets so it’s not that crazy at all). No, Case Keenum hasn’t caught the same lightning in a bottle he had last season. But he hasn’t been that bad, and I’m not sure the Jets score a single point this game. This is so obvious it has me thinking I’m wrong, but we all know that never happens.
Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Cleveland Browns
Did you know the Ravens are currently second in the league in defensive DVOA? And that the Browns are fourth? Well now you do. What I’m saying is take the under, because this one’s going to be ugly. I’m curious how the Browns will find a way to lose/tie, but one thing I already know is that they’ll cover. They’re 3-1 ATS year. Ride it until further notice.
Miami Dolphins at Cincinatti Bengals (-5.5)
Damn, can’t believe the Dolphins weren’t actually for real. Never saw it coming. Now we just need to wait for the Bengals “Damn, can’t believe they weren’t actually for real,” moment. Don’t worry, though. It’s not coming this week.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs (-3)
Yuge game. Yuuuuuuuge. God Mahomes shredded the Broncos in Mile High in his *worst* game of the season, and now he gets to face the best defense in the NFL. For the sake of sanity and reason, many people are hoping this is the game where throwing touchdowns in NFL isn’t easier than waking up in the morning for him. I mean, he can’t always be this good, can he? I’m here to tell you that yes, he can. He’s a stud, and studs play their best when facing other studs, and the Jags have eleven that are gonna be trying to kill him. The only thing is, playing well against the Jags is different than playing well against everyone else. And the Chiefs play defense in the most theoretical sense possible. You know who dominates bad defenses? Blake Bortles, who has baffled the haters with his solid play this year. Maybe I’m just hoping the Jags keep beating good teams so the Pats look better, but I don’t think the Chiefs win this one.
Tennessee Titans (-5) at Buffalo Bills
Only being favored by five against the Bills is as insulting as insulting gets. Mike Vrabel’s 3-1, for crying out loud! Call me when the Bills win three games. I’ll be waiting in 2019.
Oakland Raiders at Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5)
Did you know the Raiders used to have Khalil Mack? Jon Gruden apparently doesn’t, because he can’t stop hinting at how badly they’d like him. He also can’t stop shredding the GM publicly. Good sign! Chargers by a million.
Los Angeles Rams (-7.5) at Seattle Seahawks
Seahawks look bad, man. Like, real bad. And they just lost their best defensive player. I feel bad for all those 12s who discovered football existed in 2012, because I don’t think they’ll know how to handle a bad Seahawks team. Considering there’s a decent chance we’ll be talking about this Rams team for many years to come, I’d be surprised if the score was within 35.
Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles (-3)
So I guess the Vikings defense just stinks now? They’re giving up a 105.9 quarterback rating. That’s bad, if you didn’t know. Very bad. Eagles really should be 4-0 right now, and have, at times, looked every bit the defending champions. The only thing the Vikings have going for them is Kirk Cousins’s familiarity with the Eagles and the fact that it can’t possibly get worse. Those are two bad things to rely on.
Arizona C*******s at San Francisco 49ers (-4)
Folks, I have some bad news. In the flurry of moving to a new city and getting familiar with my surroundings, I missed my chance to get tickets to this year’s New York Comic Con. Normally, I know none of you would care. But last year’s NYCC produced arguably the greatest video in the history of the Internet. Sadly, there will not be a sequel. I accept all responsibility for my actions.
Dallas Cowboys at Houston Texans (-3)
Washington Redskins at New Orleans Saints (-6.5)
Adrian Peterson revenge game? Adrian Peterson revenge game. I fully expect AP to try and truck Sean Payton on the sideline, which will surely draw a 15 yard penalty. As is the case with any Alex Smith-led team, the Redskins have been quietly pretty good in their three games this year (by the way, I’d protest any bye week scheduled before week 9. A week 4 bye is just asking for everyone on the team to get injured). But they’re so boring. And you can’t pick against the Saints on Monday night in the Superdome. You just can’t.