Monday Thoughts, Week 5

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When people ask me why I love the NFL so much (literally never happened, but go with me), I tell them about Sundays like this. On paper, it was the worst collection of professional football games in history. Only one game I had any interest in watching. The Cowboys in primetime again. Long, boring Sunday incoming. Or so I thought. What resulted was a crazy, wacky, unpredictable slate of games that gave us some truly, truly funny moments. The Cowboys still put me to sleep, though. This is Monday Thoughts™ week 5.

  • Folks, I’ve got some bad news for the rest of the league: the Super Bowl Champion Jets are Back
  • Guy can go 10/22 and get a three and a half minute best throw montage. Only the Jets!
  • Arguably the most Jets play of all time. Honestly would have been more disappointing if he went all the way
  • Think it might be time to break out this old favorite in the Mile High City
  • Need to address this gif of everyone’s favorite receiver Courtland Sutton:
  • You can’t be a non-white professional athlete and be this bad of a dancer. I could do this motion more fluidly. Clean it up.
  • I love the Dolphins so much. Everything’s going so great for them until they play the Patriots, and now they fold at the slightest hint of adversity. Blowing a 17-0 lead to the Bengals??? Yikes. Couldn’t be my AFC East leader.
  • Long live Ryan Tannehill
  • I’ll say it: I’m sick of James Conner’s hair. It was a funny oddity in week 1. It’s a nuisance in week 5.
  • This might be my favorite throw of all time. Big Ben doesn’t know the meaning of the words “throw it away”
  • Someone alert the authorities. Juju is appropriating mom culture:
  • I know for a FACT Antonio Brown would be sick to his stomach if the young, talented hotshot receiver who’s putting up better numbers than him got in trouble with the Internet police. He’d lose sleep for weeks if the man who he’s certainly taken under his wing was distracted and had to issue countless apologies and missed a game or two.
  • Falcons are as toast as toast can get. Remember when they were up 28-3 in the third quarter of the Super Bowl a few years ago and lost? Crazy.
  • Giants-Panthers somehow became the craziest game of the day, and it’s still not as crazy as this deal from Bojangles
  • Mmmmmm
  • Just gonna dump all these TDs here, but assume all of them are preceded by a sarcastic “Nice defense, fellas!”
  • 63 yard field goal to win at the buzzer. 63 yard field goal made in 2018! I couldn’t believe it.
  • I need this overcoat/robe
  • Wait…you’re allowed to intercept Pat Mahomes passes?
  • The fact that He is fallible makes Him that much easier to worship and give praise.
  • This was a shit-pumping of the highest order. Can’t win when you’re dealing with the Bad Bortles Games. Makes me wonder how the Pats couldn’t exploit the same weaknesses the Chiefs “defense” did.
  • Whoops! Wrong Chris Jones clip
  • That’s more like it.
  • Not ideal
  • There’s something really funny to me about making your injury update graphic really loud and vibrant
  • Chiefs winning against the best defense in the league when Mahomes has zero TD passes and two picks should make 14 of the other 15 AFC teams very nervous. The other team will beat them next Sunday night.
  • Mason Crosby out here putting on for everyone that’s ever had one of the worst days in the history of their chosen profession. Five missed kicks! And they kept throwing him out there!
  • How about your boy Chris Bahr? Talk about job security.
  • Equanimeous St. Brown supposedly had three catches for 89 yards for the Packers. I say supposedly because I refuse to believe this is a real person.
  • Definition of a “Retire Bitch” stiffarm
  • This game was kind of boring but I’m glad the Packers lost because every Packers loss gets Aaron Rodgers increasingly angry with Mike McCarthy who then has to bend over backwards to appease him.
  • Alright, as exciting as it is that the Browns won a game on a Sunday, forgive me if I don’t dwell on a 12-9 overtime game for too long.
  • Still, this was the only way the Browns streak could end:
  • Browns Color Rush jerseys are truly elite.
  • Anyone who can explain this Titans season to me please step forward. No one?
  • Listen, I’ve obviously been skeptical of Josh Allen since day one and am on the record saying I think he’s gonna stink. But I didn’t think it’d be so boring. Aside from some electric runs there’s been nothing. The bad has just been bad, not funny or anything. It’s a real bummer.
  • My favorite part of Twitter is when the official accounts of the worst teams in the league tries to dunk on everyone who picked them to lose as if there was any reason to expect them to win another game any time within the next three seasons.
  • The Bills might be the worst 2-3 team of all time and the Titans might be the worst 3-2 team of all time and you could tell me any number of combined wins they’ll finish with and I’d believe it.
  • If I didn’t get an involuntary erection every time the Chargers went Powder Blue I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you Raiders-Chargers even happened.
  • Phil Rivers has never posed for a picture in his life
  • I don’t think Austin Ekeler has ever touched the ball and not scored a TD
  • Derek Carr with the worst pick these eyes have ever seen
  • Marshawn was predictably upset he didn’t get the ball at the one. I hope the Raiders give him the ball the next 50 times they’re in the red zone and I hope he never scores just to put this stupid trope to bed.
  • Despite only getting 220 yards of offense, the team from Arizona scored 28 points. In response to this, I have decided to un-censor one letter of their name. They are now the Ca******s. Congratulations.
  • Considering Dunkin gets worse the farther away from New England you get, I have to imagine no one in Arizona even wanted this to happen
  • Enough Arizona talk. Feel like I need a shower.
  • You know how I know the Rams are good? In one of their ugly, grind it out, war of attrition games everyone goes through they still scored 33 points.
  • Imagine hanging out with these two?
  • You’d smell like sausage for a week afterwards. Not that that’s a bad thing.
  • Somewhat lost in the Mahomes hype is the fact that Jared Goff leads the league in passing yards and passer rating and is second in completion percentage. If he had a better last name we’d realize he’s probably going to win MVP.
  • I know they’re getting a full redesign next year, but the Rams being stuck with these boring blue and white jerseys is a real bummer. This is the high-flying team from Hollywood! They can’t be looking drab! As usual, NFL uniform rule nuance is to blame. You can only wear throwbacks twice a year for some unknown reason. Really doing God’s work, Roger.
  • Marcus Peters might stink
  • Gotta fake an injury or something, dude.
  • So are the Eagles bad now? They shouldn’t be bad but they might be bad. Time for a quarterback change?
  • I think the Vikings are back but I’m not ready to commit either way yet.
  • Adam Thielen: gritty
  • Sneaky athletic
  • Coach’s son
  • So the thing that got me all fired up in this game was when the Eagles went for 2 when they scored a touchdown to narrow the deficit to 20-12. Yes, they converted, but why? What’s the point? Doug Pederson is clearly addicted to being called the most aggressive coach. I get it. It can be a rush to have people talk about you in such glowing terms. But use your brain, man. You don’t have to go for it in every single situation ever. You can still be considered aggressive if you punt on 4th & 12.
  • GIVE ME MORE DEFENSIVE TACKLE TOUCHDOWNS
  • Did you know they liked football in Texas? I didn’t until last night’s broadcast informed me a hundred times.
  • ATTN: All executives that still think putting the Cowboys on National TV is good-
  • This game was the ultimate “fake drama Cowboys primetime game” that gets everyone thinking the Cowboys play entertaining games. Just because a game has a close finish doesn’t make it good. That game was awful.
  • When you know you produce the best NFL content on Earth but you had to watch Cowboys-Texans go to overtime to do itnspb7vnzqijibyg7ebnn
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