The Only Guide You’ll Need for March Madness 2019

Folks,,, it’s March Madness time. Crazy how it happens around the same time every year. The first weekend is my favorite four day stretch of the year, it’s your favorite four days of the year, it’s everyone’s favorite four days of the year. It’s a time to eat infinite amounts of pizza, wings, and snacks, drink as much beer as you want, and let your brain and body turn to mush as you watch a million consecutive hours of college basketball. The comedown from this high is something I imagine heroin users deal with when trying to get clean. Maybe not that bad, but still.

I’ve made it a tradition over the last couple years to give one-sentence primers for every team in the field to help with your brackets. I’ll do the same here, obviously, but there’s one problem: I’m so out of the loop with college basketball this year. I’ve hardly watched any. I’m busy most nights and then the NBA is more interesting and UConn is the worst team in D1 and there are a million other factors, but I’m the guy that’s tuning in for his first extended run of college b-ball watching this weekend. Only difference between me and the other casual Johnny-Come-Latelys is that my brain is big enough to put together a perfect preview without the full knowledge. I can always see the full board, and I know these teams better than they know themselves even though I don’t know them at all. Just think about how impressive that is. So don’t worry. You’re still in good hands. Yearly reminder that if you’re making earnest “Where’s TruTV?” jokes or legitimately can’t find a television channel in the year of our Lord 2019, you don’t deserve to live anymore.

East Region

1. Duke– Zion Williamson, am I right?
2. Michigan State– Every single player on their team is hurt so don’t expect much.
3. LSU– Their coach is being investigated by the FBI and is suspended, so things are going great.
4. Virginia Tech– Buzz Williams coached Jimmy Butler, people forget that.
5. Mississippi State– Alright, like, come on, Mississippi State is the worst 5 seed in history.
6. Maryland– One of the youngest teams in the field so they’ll make you feel really good about your life.
7. Louisville– Feel like they’re due for a run (#analysis).
8. VCU– VCU will always be somewhere between an 8-10 seed and always run the same full-court press regardless of roster or coach.
9. UCF– Tacko Fall is 7’6″, which my sources are confirming is quite tall.
10. Minnesota– No word on if Richard Pitino reaches climax as quickly as his father.
11. Belmont– Belmont should have been in the regular field without dealing with play-in game antics.
12. Liberty– People forget Seth Curry went to Liberty his freshman year and averaged 20 a game.
13. Saint Louis– Remember a few years ago when Saint Louis was randomly good for a few seasons? What was up with that?
14. Yale– I will die fighting against people who frame Ivy League teams as plucky underdogs.
15. Bradley– I respect the delusion it takes to strip a reporter of his press pass for not advancing the Bradley brand enough.
16. N.C. Central/North Dakota State– Why are there two play-in games in the same bracket and why is there a Midwest region instead of a North region and why does no one but me care?

Midwest Region

1. North Carolina– I know they’ve got a few NBA guys on the team, but when did UNC lose all its star power? They haven’t had any must-watch guys in years.
2. Kentucky– Please let Tyler Herro hit a game-winning shot so we can have a pun-pocalypse.
3. Houston– I know they’re a fellow AAC team but if you actually believe they can do anything in the tournament I’ve got a few bridges to sell you.
4. Kansas– Kansas STINKS this year but they’re still somehow the last team I’d want to play.
5. Auburn– Their strategy is “shoot a billion 3s,” which I respect on a deep level.
6. Iowa State– Somehow three guys from this team will be in the NBA in four years.
7. Wofford– They’ll be the trendy upset pick because people like college teams with a bunch of white guys who can shoot.
8. Utah State– I’m kind of feeling them this year even though I don’t love their draw.
9. Washington– I assume they’re still handsomely paying elite athletes under-the-table (or over-the-table, I don’t think they really care) to put on the purple and gold.
10. Seton Hall– Seton Hall sounds like an English soccer stadium name.
11. Ohio State– It’s always kind of stupid when teams like Ohio State get seeded so low because, like, they’ve gotta have better players than Utah State.
12. New Mexico State– Pascal Siakam went to New Mexico State, bet not many people knew that.
13. Northeastern– I took a tour of Northeastern when either my sister or I was touring colleges so there’s that.
14. Georgia State– Still got R.J. Hunter, right?
15. Abilene Christian– Abilene Christian always pops up every few years and does absolutely nothing in the tournament.
16. Iona– They’re my local team, now.

South Region

1. Virginia– Can’t really get worse, can it?
2. Tennessee– Grant Williams is giving me major “Derrick Williams in 2011” vibes (that’s a good thing).
3. Purdue– First Man came out just before the season, which should propel Purdue to their typical second-round exit.
4. Kansas State– Super boring. That’s really all you need to know.
5. Wisconsin– The year is 2187, and Wisconsin basketball is led by two white guys with buzzcuts who like to take charges.
6. Villanova– Spent long stretches of the season being absolutely awful but count them out at your own risk.
7. Cincinnati– If it wasn’t reckless libel, I would probably imply that Mick Cronin’s absurd outbursts of anger and violence on the sidelines likely follow him home.
8. Ole Miss– If you told me Ole Miss didn’t play one basketball game this season I would have believed you.
9. Oklahoma– If you told me Oklahoma didn’t play one basketball game this season I would have believed you.
10. Iowa– What’s the post-WWII record for most white guys in one region?
11. St. Mary’s– St. Mary’s has never been anything other than an 11 seed.
12. Oregon– Bol Bol won’t be playing, so the one guy you might have known is out the window.
13. UC Irvine– Doc Rivers and Caron Butler both have kids on this team, how about that?
14. Old Dominion– Love coach Jeff Jones. Who? Jeff Jones. Who? Jeff Jones. Who? Haha, no, we have fun here.
15. Colgate– You have my permission to slap anyone who makes toothpaste jokes.
16. Garnder-Webb– I don’t know, man. They’re gonna lose, who cares?

West Region

1. Gonzaga– They have the most high-level players in the country, so expect them to lose before the Elite Eight because that’s how the Tournament works.
2. Michigan– I’m pretty sure I’d be like, the third best scorer on this Michigan team.
3. Texas Tech– Veteran team with at least one NBA guy= Elite Eight.
4. Florida State– No idea how Florida State always has ten 7’2″ guys but they do.
5. Marquette– Markus Howard is going to be your new favorite player (assuming he gets hot and they win).
6. Buffalo– How do you convince a bunch of good basketball players to go to school in Buffalo? Just money?
7. Nevada– Nevada was supposed to be super nasty this year. They weren’t.
8. Syracuse– Sources have yet to confirm if Tony Stewart will be behind the Orange bench.
9. Baylor– Teams that win nineteen games shouldn’t be in the Tournament.
10. Florida– Teams that win nineteen games shouldn’t be in the Tournament.
11. Arizona State/St. John’s– Does Arizona State just have a permanent spot in the First Four?
12. Murray State– Ja Morant is good.
13. Vermont– Committee screwed my Cats with this matchup. Trying to keep the Blue Bloods down smh.
14. Northern Kentucky– Northern Kentucky is nicknamed the Norse after the famed Norse from Northern Kentucky.
15. Montana– I bet Montana is a nice place to live.
16. Fairleigh Dickinson– Really dislike the way Fairleigh is spelled.