Sup pussies,
It’s your boy Santa, only this year I’ve been crushing my keto diet and am totally shredded. I’m talking yoked. Even the reindeer look like they’ve been mainlining HGH, but that’s just how dedicated they are to keto and Crossfit. It’s Christmas, so you know what that means: I’m about to visit every house in the world in one night and delicately arrange large and unwieldy presents underneath everyone’s tree. But newsflash, fatties- you’re not getting that new iPad. My factory doesn’t make that shit anymore. You’re getting workout gear. You’re getting a Bowflex Xtreme 2 SE Home Gym no matter what you asked for unless you asked for a Bowflex Xtreme 2 SE Home Gym, in which case you’re getting a Bowflex Revolution Home Gym out of respect. I’m no longer accepting cookies, either. You leave out some snickerdoodles or some carrots for the reindeer and your ass is getting the biggest piece of coal you’ve ever seen. You leave out keto foods in 2019. Red meat, salmon, eggs, butter (grass-fed only or even your dad is getting shut out in the present department), nuts, and ‘cados are the only things I eat now, and the deer are the same. Mrs. Clause gave Rudolph a parsnip and now he’s at home on the bench. Sorry, I only have space for winners on my team.
As is it Christmas, I’ve been keeping my list. It’s kind of what I do. I’ve been paying particularly close attention to the NFL this year, and have compiled a complete breakdown of the games this week based on who’s been naughty or nice. It’s a foolproof formula that even you carb-brains could figure out. Little known fact about Keto Santa: I’m actually a sharp. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about every single bet I’ve ever made and the performance of each of my 45 fantasy teams after I bang out a couple sets of curls. Alright, done. That’s 10,000 today. Gotta stay grinding. As a special gift to you, I’m giving you a look behind the curtain. A glimpse into how the sausage gets made. Here’s my 2019 Week 16 NFL Naughty and Nice List. Do with it what you will.
- Saturday NFL games- Nice
- Three NFL games on a Saturday- Nice
- Houston Texans playing on Saturday afternoon, allowing them to practice for their inevitable Saturday playoff game- Naughty
- Deshaun Watson- Nice
- Jameis Winston- Nice
- Jamies Winston first-quarter interceptions- Nice
- Jamies Winston second-quarter interceptions- Nice
- Jameis Winston third-quarter interceptions- Nice
- Jameis Winston fourth-quarter interceptions- Nice
- Bucs’ remaining receiving corps- Naughty
- Texans -3 over Bucs- Nice
- Patriots’ advance scouting team- Naughty
- Pats’ giving the Bengals some shine by allowing them to be the latest team to accuse them of wrongdoing- Nice
- Pats’ winning the division for the millionth time despite being awful on offense and getting less than 75 total yards against the Bills- Nice, I guess
- Bills Mafia- Naughty
- Sean McDermott complaining on the sideline- Naughty
- Pats -6.5 over Bills- Nice
- Rams’ intestinal fortitude- Naughty
- Nick Bosa’s current mental state- Sorry, Keto Santa sticks to sports
- Kiara Mia’s influence on this 49ers season- Nice
- Niners winning 13 games and being the 5 seed- Naughty
- 49ers -7 over Rams- Nice
- Giants +2.5 over Redskins- Naughty
- Christian McCaffery getting 100 catches again- Nice
- The other 105 players on the field for Panthers-Colts- Naughty
- Colts -7 over Panthers- Naughty
- Duck- Naughty
- “Renegade” becoming a Steelers thing out of nowhere, then every broadcast talking about how “Renegade” is a signature Steelers thing constantly- Naughty
- The entire history of the Jets franchise- Naughty
- Steelers -3 over Jets- Naughty
- Mike Thomas getting 15 catches a game- Nice
- Drew Brees padding stats for so long we’ve forgotten how much stat-padding he’s done- Nice
- Titans’ home field advantage- Naughty
- Trying to tackle Derrick Henry- Naughty
- Titans’ playoff hopes- Pretty Naughty
- Saints -3 over Titans- Nice
- Lamar Jackson- Nice
- Lamar Jackson shattering defenders’ ankles- Naughty
- Baker Mayfield- Naughty
- Every Baker H8r- Nice
- Browns- Naughty
- Ravens -∞ over Browns- Nice
- Bulletproof Coffee- Nice
- Bengals vs. Dolphins- Was a lot nicer two months ago
- Fitzmagic revenge game- Nice
- Dolphins Pick over Bengals- Nice
- Falcons -7.5 over Jags- Naughty
- Broncos -7 over Lions- Naughty
- Chargers -7 over Raiders- Naughty
- Awful 4 o’clock games- Naughty
- Russell Wilson- Nice
- Every Seahawks player fumbling on every play- Naughty
- Seahawks being the number one seed despite fumbling every play and never winning a game by more than one possession in a really weird way- Nice
- Bengals almost beating Seattle in Seattle in week one- Naughty
- Kyler Murray- Nice
- Kyler Murray- Naughty
- Cardinals +9.5 over Seahawks- Nice
- NFC East- Naughty
- Talking about the NFC East- Naughty
- Cowboys -1.5 over Eagles- Nice
- Mitch Trubisky being drafted over Pat Mahomes- Naughty
- Being reminded that Mitch Trubisky was drafted over Pat Mahomes every two seconds- Naughty
- Matt Nagy’s ability to gameplan beyond the first 15 plays- Naughty
- The reasoning behind not just scripting more plays if the first 15 always work so well- Naughty
- Chiefs -6 at Bears- Nice
- The “6” key on my computer being sort of jammed- Naughty
- Aaron Rodgers- Naughty
- Aaron Rodgers’ family- He’ll never know
- Packers +5.5 over Vikings- Nice
That’s it. If you’re wondering where you fall on this list, too bad. I haven’t checked The List twice yet, which means it’s not public domain. I’m a little behind this year after the budget cuts. Fewer of your little shithead kids believe in me now, which means my resources are down, too. That’s why I switched to keto. Figured children would be more likely to believe in a sculpted Adonis who looks like 2009 Dwight Howard than in a fat old man. Hey, dad, maybe take your stupid kid’s phone away and do some real parenting. The earlier they stop believing in me, the earlier they come to you when they’re disappointed in their present haul. Just some (keto-friendly) food for thought.
Merry Christmas, losers.
Brian's Den 