Patriots trade for Brandin Cooks, continue run of Dominance

New Orleans Saints v Arizona Cardinals

I’ve always been a huge Brandin Cooks guy. Loved him when he was dominating at Oregon State, loved him on the Saints. It’s just too bad they had to give up Super Bowl legend Malcolm Butler. Wait, what’s that? They didn’t trade Butler? They only gave up a first and a third for a 23-year-old receiver with back to back 1,000 yard seasons? And earlier today they got Kony Ealy, who one year ago completely dominated the Super Bowl, for nothing? And they signed Stephon Gilmore, one of the best defensive free agents? And they got Dwayne Allen, Martellus Bennett’s younger, cheaper replacement for a bag of balls and an air pump (little topical Deflategate joke)? And they still have over $40 million in cap space to sign Dont’a Hightower, arguably the best player on their defense? And they might get a king’s ransom for backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! UNREAL!!!! This must be what it feels like to be a Dolphins fan in March, because the Pats have already locked up the prestigious Offseason Super Bowl. Oh, yeah, they also just won the actual Super Bowl. Does the NFC even send a representative to Minneapolis? Or do they just punt on 2018? Hey, the Falcons are bringing everyone back! Look out! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I can’t stop laughing! How does anyone else even root for another NFL team? What’s it like fluctuating between being decent and being horrible every other year? It’s a legitimate question, because honestly I have no idea. Absolutely unreal. If I was another GM I wouldn’t even take a call from Bill Belichick, because there’s a 100% chance I’d wind up getting embarrassed. What’s the old saying? Someone’s playing chess while someone else is playing checkers? Well Belichick is playing Bobby Fisher-level chess while every other team is trying to put the right shaped peg in the right shaped hole. Honestly, it’s kind of getting annoying. I keep having to buy new Super Bowl Championship gear, and it looks like that’s not changing anytime soon. Think of my wallet Bill! Have a heart!

Considering how out of character this all-in offseason strategy has been, it’s clear to me that Belichick thinks Brady’s only got a year or two left at the top. Kind of makes me wonder what the point of trading Jimmy G would be, because if the incumbent only has one or two more seasons, why give up a quality QB, the rarest commodity in sports? Just look at the Packers. They had a legendary QB and a good backup, now they have another legendary QB. Garoppolo doesn’t need to become Aaron Rodgers to be valuable-he just needs to be above replacement level, which these days is remarkably low. But who am I to question Belichick? Either way it’ll work out. Keep Jimmy and he’ll become a Hall of Famer. Trade him and Brissett will become the ultimate version of Donovan McNabb. There’s literally no reason to ever stress out about the Pats’ moves. Remember last year when trading Chandler Jones and Jamie Collins would cripple the defense and cost them a Super Bowl? Me neither. Everything always comes up Belichick, no matter what. Isn’t life as a Patriots fan just great?

My life is Perfect right now


The Patriots won the Super Bowl last night. I don’t know if you heard, but they put together the greatest comeback in history. It was amazing. It changed my life forever. Maybe it’s just the high I have going right now, but my life couldn’t be better. Everything I ever knew about football and Tom Brady and Bill Belichick was confirmed. All the #h8ers were silenced after dancing on the Patriots’ grave for two and a half hours. I improved my red-hot postseason record to 8-4. Now that I think about it, football isn’t the only area of my life where things are looking good. Absolutely everything is coming up roses in the Brian’s Den.

Red Sox got Chris Sale


For large portions of last night, I was pretty low. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it. After all, the team I had built my life around was getting annihilated in the Super Bowl. In my doldrums I was reaching for anything positive. Anything to lift my spirits even slightly. And I remembered that the Red Sox acquired Chris Sale, giving them the best starting pitching in the American League to go along with last season’s best offense. The prospect of a nearly guaranteed Red Sox title cut through my haze and gave me a weird mix of hope and shame. Then the Patriots won, and now I get to root for the Super Bowl champs and the World Series champs in the same year! Again! What did I do to get this lucky? I don’t know but I sure hope it doesn’t end anytime soon. Who am I kidding? This run will never end!

McDonald’s announces multiple Shamrock Shake Flavors


Let me say this: if executed correctly, the chocolate Shamrock Shake could be the greatest innovation in fast food history. Better than the rodeo cheeseburger. Better than the breakfast crunchwrap. Better than the Double Down sandwich. Better, dare I say, than the Big Mac itself? Usually when things like this come out I’m both nervous and excited to try them because I don’t know if they’ll be good. I already know this will be amazing. There’s no two ways around it: it’s impossible to make this bad. The only question will be if it’s transcendent. My money’s on yes. I can’t wait to get my hands on one. I want this to replace the blood that runs through my veins. It’s like McDonald’s made this just for me. They knew I needed help last night, and now it’s only getting better. This will finally turn McDonald’s around. So now I get to root for the Super Bowl champions, World Series champions, and fast food champions. How did I get so lucky?

Mr. Clean says fat guys are back

So, if this commercial is to be believed, all I have to do is clean and I become a sex machine? Sounds good to me! Sure, I’m not what people call “cleanly,” but as Rocky says, anyone can change. If anyone notices a cleaning supply shortage, just know that I’m probably responsible. Cleaning and watching Harry in the afternoon. That’s what guys do, right? Anyway, after the short-lived dad bod craze of a few years ago, this just feels like the next step of a movement. Who cares about abs and muscles and being in shape anymore? Apparently not women! Looking good for overweight guys everywhere! How did I get so lucky?

John Wick 2 is almost out


I don’t think I need to explain why this a huge deal. John Wick was a top ten action movie of all time, and now he’s back for more. I need more John Wick. When John Wick 6 comes out, I’ll be first in line. Why can’t they just let him retire? It really is like the universe just decided to give me everything at once. I mean, Pats title and John Wick 2 in a week? How did I ever get so lucky?

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