Why Do People Wear Shoes in their Own Homes?

I barely slept at all last night. I couldn’t, really. How was I supposed to get any peace of mind after seeing what I had seen? Not even Rip van Winkle would be able to fall asleep with all the neurotic, existential dread running around in my head. As I was going through Instagram, I was presented with a truly horrifying image: a person was wearing sneakers in their own house. They were alone. They weren’t exercising. They were just wearing shoes inside. I know, I was disgusted, too.

I really can’t wrap my head around this move. How can you wear shoes in your own house? The whole point of having a house is so you don’t have to wear shoes. I love shoes as much as the next guy, but I hate wearing them. Any chance I get to go socks or barefoot, you better believe I’m jumping at the opportunity. How can you wear shoes on your own couch? On your own bed? If you think your floors are too dirty to go socks or barefoot on them, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, clean them? How are people comfortable wearing shoes in their own home? Leave the outside world at the door, man. Your house is your castle.

I know plenty of people who are “shoes inside” people. Some of my best friends have come in to my house, kept their shoes on, and proceeded rub the bottom of their shoes all over my couch. I never said anything because I figured it was common decency and that, eventually, they would see the error of their ways and take their shoes off. Invariably, they didn’t and I (my mom) was stuck cleaning up after them. I tried to understand the mindset. I took myself to a dark, dark place mentally. I walked the dreary, never-ending wasteland of a shoes-inside guy’s mind, and brother, let me tell you it’s not somewhere I’m looking to go ever again. Going through life with no etiquette, no sense of how to function in society. Even worse, going through life with no idea that what you were doing was wrong. Ignorance may be bliss, but it also pisses off everyone around you who wasn’t raised by grizzly bears. It’s a simple solution, too. If you’re in a house and there isn’t a high school/college party going on, take your shoes off. If you’re a germaphobe, wear socks and grow up. Don’t wear shoes in houses, period.

I’m sort of afraid to throw this out there, but I kind of think you should be able to go sans-shoes everywhere you go. Obviously, there’s exceptions. I wouldn’t go to a bar or a fast food place without a thick layer of sole between my skin and whatever’s living on the floor. But random office buildings? Nicer stores? Airports? Why can’t I just go socks? They clean those floors 24/7. I think everyone should be as comfortable as possible at all times. Not wearing shoes is more comfortable than wearing shoes. Ipso facto, people shouldn’t be shamed for not wearing shoes while in a clean room that has a roof (that includes airplanes). Now, this isn’t #nomorenoonmeals. I know that there’s tons of pushback against this idea, and, at some point, you have to pick your battles. So I’m not going all out with this. I’m just trying to give people something to think about. Carpet isn’t meant to be trampled on by shoes. It’s meant to be experienced by bare feet. You’re denying one of mankind’s most ancient industries its true purpose by wearing shoes in your house. That makes you a bad person.