You play fantasy football. I play fantasy football. Everyone in America plays fantasy football. And, now that preseason week 3 is officially #done, it’s prime drafting SZN. If you already had your draft, well, you’re stupid and I hope you drafted Julian Edelman and Cameron Meredith. Never draft before preseason week 3. That’s tip #1.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “There’s 5 million other fantasy football draft advice columns out there, and every single one is more reputable than this one. Why should I read it?” Good question. I’m sure you’ve already consumed an infinite amount of fantasy football material in preparation for your draft. You’ve got your strategy all lined up, you’re feeling good, you can practically taste that trophy, it’s so close. But then you choke and take Justin Tucker 3rd round. It happens to everyone. Everyone except me, that is.
You see, I’m something of a fantasy football savant. I think I’ve been playing legitimately since my freshman year of high school, so about ten years (yikes). In that decade, there are more years where I’ve won more than one league than years where I’ve won zero. There’s no evidence of this, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Tip #2 is that my word is law when it comes to fantasy football. But again, despite establishing my bona fides, why should you care about my advice? After all, why not go to ESPN or NFL.com or Yahoo and have eight different guys tell you that Isaiah Crowell and
Ryan Tanehill Jameis Winston are the hot fantasy names this year that you just have to have on your team? And listen, I get it. Those other places are safe. You know what you’ll get from them, and if you follow their instructions to a T, you won’t come in last. Cool. I’d rather swing for the fences. Despite what annoying people who talk trash about week to week fantasy results will tell you, the only skill involved in succeeding in fantasy football is research and making educated guesses. The rest is all luck. So if you go into your draft with the same research and gameplan as everyone else, where’s your edge? You don’t have one anymore. That’s where I come in. Want to win in fantasy? Zig when everyone zags. Think outside the box. Most importantly, follow my leadership. I’ll steer you in the right direction. Tip #3 is that this is the only draft kit you’ll ever need.
Basic Draft Advice
- Wait as long as possible to take a quarterback. Or don’t. It’s your team.
- Spot positional deficiencies. Are there only five good running backs in the league? If you draft all of them, everyone’s going to have to come to you to get one.
- Switch things up and take a kicker in the third to last round. It’ll get everyone else scrambling and now you can pick up that late round sleeper you thought would be gone.
- Don’t use a player’s name as a pun for your team name. No one thinks it’s funny and everyone hates you.
- Line it up so every player on your team has their bye week at the same time. If you come out with an empty roster that week, your opponent won’t know what to do and might panic. It’s a mental game, folks.
- Every defense is the same and the level of week to week variance is astronomical. It literally doesn’t matter who you have.
- If your league is drafting in-person, stay silent the entire time. Everyone will think you’re sick and underestimate you, or they’ll think you’re up to something and get all their precious sleepers way too early, leaving all the players who will actually be good to you.
- Even if you know who you’re going to pick, switch up the amount of time it takes to submit your pick. It’ll keep everyone else on their toes and might frustrate some.
- Tom Brady- Thanks to his patented sleep ware line, no one gets a better, more fulfilling night’s sleep than Tom Brady.
- Randy Moss- People forget that Randy Moss set the single season record for most touchdown receptions. And now he’s going undrafted in most leagues? Scoop him up late and reap the rewards.
- Chad Henne- Blake Bortles is going to get benched this season. You’ll thank me when that happens and you have the Henn-meister on your squad.
- Joe Mixon, Ezekiel Elliot, Josh Gordon, Martavis Bryant, Michael Floyd, Doug Martin- Want to win in fantasy football? Leave your morals at the door. Become the guy with enough courage to take the suspended guys and scumbags.
- Tyrod Taylor- He gets like, three points per game less than Aaron Rodgers.
- Brock Osweiler- He is bad at football. Don’t draft him.
- Odell Beckham- Sure, he’s had the most prolific start to a career in NFL history, but can he handle the bright lights of New York? I don’t think so. Stay away.
- Ryan Tannehill- Hard to finally take that next step when he can’t walk anymore. Because he blew out his knee. And won’t play this season. Get it?
- Russell Wilson-
- Any Jet- If you wind up with someone from the Jets on your roster, you probably did something wrong.
- Leonard Fournette- Word on the street is this guy might have some potential.
- Austin Carr- One white Patriots receiver out, one white Patriots receiver in.
- O.J. Howard- Hey, this guy was on Hard Knocks! He must be good!
- Stacy Coley- He’s a receiver for the Vikings. Just kind of picked a random guy.
- Kevin White- With Kevin White coming back from injury (again) it’s like the Bears had another first round pick this year!
Punter Ranking Because the True Players Add in Punting Points
- Marquette King
- Johnny Hekker
- Bryan Anger
- Bradley Pinnion
- Sam Martin
Top Guys to Take Early If You Want an Excuse Ready for Why Your Team Stinks
- Ben Roethlisberger
- Darren McFadden
- Keenan Allen
- Rob Gronkowski
- Sammy Watkins
I think that’s all you need. Follow your gut for the rest. Let me know if you followed my instructions and how badly you dominated your league. Actually, whether or not you used this, don’t tell me. Because even though I’m a fantasy savant, I still don’t care about your fantasy team.
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