Nights like last night are what separates the Color Rush men from the Color Rush boys. Not only the highlighter green Seahawks jerseys, but the Cardinals inexplicably going all black instead of red. If you couldn’t handle it, well, the Color Rush game might not be for you. I have to confess, though: much like Russell Wilson after his “concussion test,” I don’t remember anything about this game. Might be for the better, though, because it looks like I jumped the gun a little bit declaring it #seahawksoffenseSZN. Last night served as the proto-Legion of Boom era Seahawks game: ugly, weird ass score, Russell Wilson makes some absurd escape, someone gets hurt, and Pete Carroll spends the whole game wondering if jet fuel can really melt steel beams. Seen it a thousand times by now. Rough, rough slate of games this week, but that doesn’t mean I get to turn off my NFL prescience. It’s more of a curse that a gift, really.
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-6)
I don’t know if it’s because of the league or I’m just more cynical than I used to be, but every game I look at this week just suuuuuuucks on paper. Any game where the Bears (yes, the same Chicago Bears that completed four, count ’em, FOUR passes in a game recently) are six point favorites has to being played in some kind of alternate universe. Is this like a post-FlashPoint dimension or something where the NFL universe is getting a big reboot and the Bears are good now? Because if it isn’t, I can’t legitimately say the Bears will cover any spread as a favorite, I don’t care which cardboard cutout of a human being is playing QB for the Packers.
Pick: Packers +6
Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) at Indianapolis Colts
As much as I enjoy seeing the masterminds behind the national nightmare known as Deflategate struggle to remain competitive, the Steelers on the road are pretty much the answer to the age old question, “what would happen if a CFL team played in the NFL?”
Pick: Jacoby Brissett +10
Minnesota Vikings (-1.5) at Washington Redskins
Remember Teddy Bridgewater? The guy that literally perished on the practice field last preseason? Wears gloves all the time because he has small, dainty hands? Yeah, me neither. Well, he’s back. He won’t play this week, but he’s still back. Vikings have also won four straight while no one was looking, and everyone on the Redskins roster is still hurt. I’ve also decided to forgo a Native American joke this week, sorry if this offends.
Pick: Vikings -1.5
Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions (-11)
When Jesus said the meek will inherit the earth, he had Browns and Lions fans in mind.
Pick: Lions -11
Los Angeles Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars (-4)
I would like to send my preemptive thoughts and prayers to Phil Rivers’ family, because I can’t see him surviving this one. Jags defense is making a stronger case that it’s the best in the league every week, and, stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the Chargers are a West Coast team coming east for a one o’clock game.
Pick: Jags -4
Cincinnati Bengals at Tennessee Titans (-4.5)
Are there any good games this week? At all? Luckily this week’s college football lineup is stacked or I’d be doing a lot of cleaning around the house all weekend.
Pick: Bengals +4.5
New York Jets (-2.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs
Alright, now we’re talking! Josh McCown Revenge Game combined with Ryan Fitzpatrick Revenge Game. Electrifying television. The Bucs might actually perform better now that Jameis isn’t giving them weird pump up speeches. I think the biggest surprise this entire season is the fact that the Jets are actually pretty fun to watch. The Bucs play defense in the most theoretical sense of the word, so I’m kind of pumped up to watch McCown light it up. Which means it’ll be a 9-3 final.
Pick: Jets -2.5
New Orleans Saints (-3) at Buffalo Bills
Bills are dead. Deader than dead, in fact. I’d be surprised if they won another game this season that didn’t have snow involved. I hope everyone who bought the hype feels stupid. Meanwhile, how about the Saints? Looking like a legit contender. Playing legit defense! Eighth in defensive DVOA! What were the odds of that before the season? Marshon Lattimore is already one of the five best defensive players in the league and I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to call him one of the best draft picks in team history. Saints playing in Buffalo feels like such a weird, random game.
Pick: Saints -3
Houston Texans at Los Angeles Rams (-11.5)
I don’t know what’s crazier, the fact that the Rams can’t stop scoring and I pretty much trust them in any matchup despite predicting they’d finish with the worst record in the league, or that anyone would pick a Tom Savage-led offense to cover any spread. Their defense isn’t even good anymore- they’re 30th in points allowed per game. This is going to be a bllllooooowwwwoooouuuuttttttttt.
New York Giants (-3) at San Francisco 49ers
Oh my godddddd these games are sooooooooo badddddddddddddddddddd. I actually don’t hate the NFL scheduling every horrible game in one week to get them out of the way. Remember when the 49ers would lose in heartbreaking fashion and cover spreads? I miss that team. Until Jimmy G gets up to speed you couldn’t pay me enough to take the Niners. That’s a lie, but you get my point.
Pick: Giants -3
Dallas Cowboys at Atlanta Falcons (-3)
I’m really just dumbfounded. Where are all the people betting on Atlanta? I would like to meet the person who’s still holding on to the dream. I could use that kind of positivity in my life. It doesn’t matter that Zeke is currently suspended, because he’s either going to end up playing anyway or Darren McFadden will have his annual Turn Back the Clock game. Saying the Falcons are dead is just old hat at this point, but I’ll say it anyway: Falcons are dead.
Pick: Cowboys +3
New England Patriots (-8) at Denver Broncos
I know the Pats always struggle in Denver. I know the Broncos defense will be all fired up after getting emasculated last week. But last time I checked, Brock Osweiler is viewed as the best option to play quarterback for the Broncos. That’s good enough for me.
Pick: Pats -8
Miami Dolphins at Carolina Panthers (-9)
If you want a real reason to protest the NFL, how about the fact that the Dolphins are on in primetime for the second week in a row? One of the most offensive things I’ve ever seen.
Pick: Panthers -9
Bonus College Picks:
- Michigan State +16 at Ohio State
- Georgia -3 at Auburn
- Iowa at Wisconsin -11.5
- Notre Dame -3.5 at Miami (FL)
- TCU +6.5 at Oklahoma