What I’m Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. There’s a certain hierarchy to holidays here in America, and Thanksgiving is at the top of the pyramid. If Thanksgiving isn’t in your personal top 3 holidays, you should have your citizenship revoked. Now, I’m more of a Christmas guy, myself (being born in January in Vermont during a snowstorm, winter is in my blood), but I’m a vocal defender of Autumn and respect everything Thanksgiving represents: the food, the historical ties to the founding of America, the food, explaining to my family that I’m still single and stuck at a dead-end job, the food, the football, and, of course, the food. Thanksgiving is a time to sit back and reflect on life and be grateful for what you have, so I figured I’d give all of you a seat at the Brian’s Den Thanksgiving table and share what I’m thankful for this year.

• I’m thankful for turkey. Somehow the most overlooked part of Thanksgiving dinner. The meal doesn’t work without turkey, so put some respeck on its name.
• I’m thankful I’ve never been present, and never will be present, at a Thanksgiving dinner that serves ham as the main course.
• I’m thankful for stuffing, the most time-sensitive food ever invented. Would you even know what stuffing was if someone put it in front of you in July? I’m not sure I’d recognize it as actual food. My brain just isn’t conditioned to think about stuffing for 10 months out of the year. Also, stuffing is for Thanksgiving. I know people eat it on Christmas, but don’t.
• I’m thankful for pie. Don’t think that needs much explanation.
• I’m thankful for power rankings. For example, my top five Thanksgiving foods is 1. turkey 2. mashed potatoes 3. apple pie 4. stuffing 5. everything else
• I’m thankful for the NFL, which is probably the worst thing currently in my life. As a spoiled Patriots fan, I literally only get anything resembling joy one day a year, and even then it’s more of a perverse satisfaction at how unhappy everyone else is. Every accomplishment by other teams is just trivial nonsense that I can easily mock because I already know how the season is going to end. I can’t imagine being a fan of another team and getting excited or emotionally invested in anything that happens during the regular season because not even I’m that self-loathing. Most NFL games aren’t even fun to watch because everyone besides the Pats is arguably the worst pro football team ever put together. Still, I would give my life for Tom Brady and would die before I willingly miss a second of NFL action. Thank you for providing a needed distraction and a way to fill my “conversations with family members” quota for the day (while we’re at it, my picks this week: MIN -3, LAC -2, WAS -7.5, KC -10, NE -17, PHI -14, TEN -3.5, NYJ +5, ATL -10 (I know I said I’d never pick the Falcons when they’re favorites again but the Bucs are just terrible), CIN -8, SF +7.5, NO +2.5, DEN +5, JAC -5, PIT -14, HOU +7).
• I’m thankful for Squanto, whose foolish decision to become liaison to the white man and teach us Thanksgiving allowed us to easily take all of their land. Good looks.
• I’m still very thankful for John Wick 2.
• I’m thankful that there’s less than a month until The Last Jedi.
• I’m thankful for this Donald Trump-LaVar Ball feud, until I get sick of it in like a week.
• I’m thankful for the NBA, or rather, what’s left of it after the Celtics laid waste to everyone who opposed them.
• I’m thankful for board games, the GOAT after dinner activity.
• I’m thankful when other people do the dishes.
• I’m thankful for Thanksgiving decorations. I’m a big leaves guy.
• I’m thankful that it’s almost December so I can listen to Christmas music without catching shade for jumping the gun.
• I’m thankful that they keep making Pokemon games.
• I’m thankful that Santa’s going to get me a Nintendo Switch.
• I’m thankful for Taco Bell and Chick-fil-a.
• I’m thankful all the damage the salt they put on the icy roads is about to do to my car.
• I’m thankful for local TV commercials.
• I’m thankful for beer, which becomes socially acceptable to drink all day on Thanksgiving.
• I’m thankful for calories, which I will eat an ungodly amount of for the next month.
• I’m thankful for Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Just a good store.
• I’m also thankful for Bath & Body Works.
• I’m thankful for the Chinese film Dragon Blade, which may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.
• I’m thankful for YouTube and most things on it.
• I’m thankful silk is back (if it ever left).
• I’m thankful I have a full head of hair. Thoughts and prayers to everyone that doesn’t.
• I’m thankful for flannel, great for winter and looks twice as good when you pair it with other patterned clothes.
• I’m thankful for the times the Patriots play in primetime so I can watch Red Zone all day on Sunday.
• I’m thankful that, since I don’t live with my parents anymore, I never have to go to the doctor or dentist ever again.
• I’m thankful for grocery store soundtracks.
• I’m thankful for animals. Even bugs.
• I’m thankful that I don’t have any elite skills that I can use to achieve fame and riches, because then there would be too much pressure to perform.
• I’m very thankful for Gal Gadot, but wish her character hadn’t been (spoiler alert) killed in Fast & Furious 6.
• I’m thankful I live in America, one of about 20 countries suitable for human life.
• I’m thankful for The Witcher 3 and Persona 5, two games which I think about almost daily.
• I’m thankful that it’s Christmas season on TV, because Thanksgiving specials are almost all bad.
• I’m thankful for Dunkin’ Donuts’ holiday flavored donuts, which are under-the-radar but excellent.
• I’m thankful it’s time to transition from the admittedly appealing golden, earthy Autumn hues into the sharp Winter color palette, which suits my fair complexion much better.
• I’m thankful for people who say hello first, because god knows I never will.
• I’m thankful for the few remaining days of Net Neutrality we have left.
• I’m thankful for filling up on appetizers, having less of an appetite for dinner, acting like I’m on a diet, then housing leftovers after everyone has gone to bed.
• I’m thankful for my friends and family, who don’t get upset when I give a powerful take.
• Lastly, I’m thankful for you, my dozen(s?) of loyal readers. Sometimes, you make it all worth it.