The Cleveland Cavaliers Are the Biggest Group of Cowards I Have Ever Seen


I’m disgusted. I’m literally sitting here with puke in my mouth thinking about the Cavs. I’m just so insulted that they thought they would roll into Boston and win just because they have LeBron. I’m just so insulted everyone keeps picking against the Celtics as they beat both presumed favorites’ in the East brains in. I’m just so insulted the NBA is forcing the Celtics to play games 3 and 4, since the only thing that could happen is Celtic injuries at the hands of cowardly Cavs losers.

Seriously, what’s the point of playing the rest of this series? This thing is as over as over gets. The Cavs quit. They got dominated game 1, so LeBron came out and shot a big, steamy load on the Celtics faces. But the Celtics just ate it and dominated the Cavs again. LeBron is the only Cavalier who could make the Celtics’ rotation. Maybe Kevin Love if he’s hot. But every other Cav is really old, really bad, or both. Somehow, that’s not the best way to build a team. Caught me by surprise! And how about that moronic chipmunk Ty Lue saying the Celtics gooned up the game?

The Celtics are gooning things up? Dude, one of your guys (who has a very long history of doing things like this) tried to end Al Horford’s career last night, and you’re going to say the Celtics are gooning up the game? Huh????? And it’s so perfect that J.R. won’t face any discipline, too. Just perfect NBA. “Look our hands are tied. We didn’t give the Cavs the number one pick, so we had to give them this.” Like, hey, there’s only one All Star in this series that actually cares, maybe protect him a little? On second thought, though, maybe not suspending J.R. is actually a gift to the Celtics. I mean, despite the fact that him putting my beloved Al at risk, I love J.R., but he’s been the worst player on the court this series, and Ty Lue is definitely dumb enough to keep playing him. Speaking of how idiotic Ty Lue is, Mark Jackson actually went out of his way to praise him during the broadcast. He said Ty Lue, the very same Ty Lue that is currently “coaching” the Cleveland Cavaliers, doesn’t get enough credit and is a great coach. That might actually be the most insulting thing that happened last night. Ty Lue could be out-coached by a blind, deaf  toddler who had never touched a basketball before. Don’t you dare put him in the same category as legitimate NBA coaches.

But yeah, that’s a wrap for the Cavs. LeBron’s second stint in Cleveland is gonna end with a 2011-Lakers-like whimper. Honestly LeBron should just boycott the rest of the series, because his (hand-picked) supporting cast might be the worst team in the league. Feel bad for Love, Kyle Korver, and Larry Nance. They don’t deserve to be with this group of losers, but they’ll probably all be on different teams next year.

Now the question becomes where does this Cavs team rank among the most cowardly, gutless groups in human history. They might be number one, honestly. I mean, they have LeBron and have been to the Finals three straight years. How do you lose to this (much better) Celtics team? Let’s see how they stack up:

2011 Lakers

Two-time defending champs face the slightest hint of adversity and start handing out cheap shots left and right. Guess that’s what you get when you have Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum on the roster. Just a bunch of sore losers. I think the Cavs are more cowardly, though, because everything the Lakers did in game 4 against the Mavs, the Cavs are doing in game 2. They’ve already entered their pouting child phase. An unreal lack of fortitude. Bonus points for the Lakers because 2011 Dirk would frustrate anyone into quitting (like LeBron’s team). Next.

2014 Colts and Ravens

God, remember Deflategate? I do. I remember every godforsaken detail. And it all started because the Ravens threw a temper tantrum that the Patriots outsmarted them then bullied the Colts into fabricating a deflated football controversy. The least sportsmanlike display in the history of the least sportsmanlike league on Earth. Add in the fact that the Colts, who built their entire gameplan around catching the Pats in a fake scandal, got absolutely DESTROYED and quit in the second quarter, and this is a pretty formidable duo for the Cavs to face. Still, the Pats were favored in both games. The Celtics weren’t. The Colts are clearly the more cowardly of the two teams, letting both the Ravens and Pats repeatedly walk all over them, but you can’t include one without the other. Ravens weren’t cowardly, just jealous. Cavs are straight up yellow.

1940 French Government

It’s funny how the way we view certain things in history changes despite that fact that, you know, nothing actually changed, because I think popular opinion is now that France’s surrender to Nazi Germany wasn’t cowardly. This is as incorrect of a take as any human can have. They built a glorified retaining wall thinking it would stop the strongest army in the world, and then, when it somehow didn’t, surrendered instantly. Have some backbone, guys. The Nazis wanted to destroy everything you’ve ever built and you ask them if they’d like some tea to go with it? Embarrassing. Still, the Nazis were heavy favorites. That’s a lot more than the Celtics can say. And the French were able to retain the culture and history, which is certainly more than the Cavs can say once LeBron leaves. I would argue that, considering LeBron’s pending free agency, the Cavs actually had more on the line in this series than the French did in World War II. Countries always rebuild themselves after wars. You don’t recover from LeBron leaving your team in shambles a second time. Plus, it took the French 46 days to quit. It took the Cavs 3.

The Galactic Senate

The nameless, faceless group of pawns and lackeys allowed a power-hungry madman to assume complete control of a supposed democracy, then gave his declaration of fascism and genocide thunderous applause. I don’t know if everyone involved was just ignorant or lazy, but the fact that no one thought Palpatine might be up to no good before he had already amassed enough internal power to survive any threat to his standing isn’t a good look. These are supposed to be the best representations of life in the Galaxy, and they let Palpatine completely control them. No one had the guts to oppose him or the growing mob, and no one had the courtesy of alerting the apparently clueless Jedi that the source of all evil was right under their noses. And still, nothing Palpatine did was quite as bad as repeatedly cheating on his pregnant celebrity girlfriend, and every member of the Cavaliers sat around and watched that happened. What kind of example does that set for your daughter, LeBron? God, just thinking about it makes me sick. At least the Senate voted on whether or not to pack up shop. The Cavs just quit.

2011 Red Sox

The most unlikeable team I have ever “rooted” for. Spent a billion dollars in the offseason on two straight up cowards in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, and a thousand game lead in the division, somehow blew it, and cost Tito Francona his job. Most pathetic baseball performance ever given by a non-Mets team. Gonzalez said God didn’t have it in His plan for the Red Sox to make the playoffs, which is somehow even more apathetic than the Cavs have been. J.R. displayed more competitive fire than Crawford ever did. John Lackey actively tried to sabotage the season, which, to be fair, no one on the Cavs has really done, unless you count Ty Lue’s coaching. Sox get extra coward points for ushering in the Bobby Valentine era, AKA the worst year of my life. Looks like the Cavs’ run ends here. The 2011 Red Sox are the biggest cowards of all time.

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