It’s summer. One could even say it’s the Dog Days of Summer. That means it’s hot. Real hot. Sweltering, in fact. Just the thought of leaving the comfort of my home and facing the unbearable city streets makes me want to puke. I’m already sweating. I’m sure glad I can wear shorts to make it all a little easier to deal with. Wait, what’s that? “Grown men can’t wear shorts?” Oh, right. I forgot.
What a load of horseshit. I’m not a big genocide guy, but if you sincerely believe men should not be allowed to wear shorts I hope you die. Painfully. It’s so stupid that we still have a stigma against comfort in the year 2018. If you Google “men shorts” you’ll get countless thinkpieces with titles like “Why Some Men Won’t Wear Shorts,” or “Is It Okay for Men to Wear Shorts?” or “Why the 50s Were Great for Absolutely Everyone in America, All Because Men Wore PANTS LIKE MEN!!!!” and I’m sick of it. Like, who cares???????? I’m legitimately asking because I want to know the type of person who gets triggered by seeing *gasp* a man’s calves. Imagine body shaming someone in 2018? And body shaming calves, in general? Talk about an inoffensive body part. You’re going to get bent out of shape because you saw some dude’s calves when it’s 98° with 80% humidity? Please tell me more. Not to be this guy, but women can wear whatever they want, whenever they want. Let’s bring men’s fashion standards into the 21st century, please.
If your gripe with shorts is that pants look better, I won’t really fight you on that. I run very hot and need shorts to survive, but I’m willing to concede the wrong pair of shorts with the wrong outfit can look rough. But if it’s some philosophical thing? You can go to hell. “It makes you look like a little kid!” So? You know who enjoys their lives more than 99.99999% of adults? Little kids. Maybe emulating them isn’t the worst thing ever? Just throwing it out there. “It isn’t professional.” This really triggers me. Doesn’t look professional according to who, exactly? The tastemakers who set men’s fashion trends 200 years ago that, for some reason, have never been updated? Really applicable today. People think suits look professional because society has told them suits look professional. Suits aren’t inherently better for business, or anything. Really, they’re quite impractical. It shouldn’t take more than a minute to put clothes on, and jackets in this heat have to take 20 years off your life. If some aristocrat in Edwardian England said shorts are the best thing to wear to your noon HR meeting, guess what you’d be wearing to work everyday? Shorts! I don’t understand why more people don’t realize how fake and arbitrary the majority of our societal norms really are (as a side note, and I realize I’m probably outing myself as a non-successful poor person, but who cares about looking professional. Like, do you really think you’re so important that you have to wear a suit and tie 100% of the time or else someone might think you don’t mean business? Make your own reputation, don’t let your clothes make it for you. Whoa, just got pretty deep, there). Why can’t you wear shorts in the club (talk about taking yourself too seriously)? Why can’t you wear shorts to work? Why can’t you wear shorts to GO GOLFING?!?!?!? I’m so tired of it. It’s 2018, wear what you want (as long as it’s not a knit hat).
Listen, I know people that never wear shorts. Jean/pants in summer guys. And I just can’t wrap my mind around it. Why would you willingly make yourself more uncomfortable? Are you that self-conscious about your legs (I hate the anti-men’s legs crowd. They’re just legs, bro. Everyone’s got ’em)? In that case I’d say grow up and that no one cares about your legs. Or are you afraid of what society will think of you because of the stigma currently surrounding shorts? Because then I blame all of you people. So intent on keeping all the men of the world down that you make them think having sweaty-ass legs is the manly thing to do. SMH. It’s time to end the discrimination. #FreetheCalf2018. Spread the word. Big changes start with the smallest thoughts.