It’s Time to End the Stigma Against Shorts

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It’s summer. One could even say it’s the Dog Days of Summer. That means it’s hot. Real hot. Sweltering, in fact. Just the thought of leaving the comfort of my home and facing the unbearable city streets makes me want to puke. I’m already sweating. I’m sure glad I can wear shorts to make it all a little easier to deal with. Wait, what’s that? “Grown men can’t wear shorts?” Oh, right. I forgot.

What a load of horseshit. I’m not a big genocide guy, but if you sincerely believe men should not be allowed to wear shorts I hope you die. Painfully. It’s so stupid that we still have a stigma against comfort in the year 2018. If you Google “men shorts” you’ll get countless thinkpieces with titles like “Why Some Men Won’t Wear Shorts,” or “Is It Okay for Men to Wear Shorts?” or “Why the 50s Were Great for Absolutely Everyone in America, All Because Men Wore PANTS LIKE MEN!!!!” and I’m sick of it. Like, who cares???????? I’m legitimately asking because I want to know the type of person who gets triggered by seeing *gasp* a man’s calves. Imagine body shaming someone in 2018? And body shaming calves, in general? Talk about an inoffensive body part. You’re going to get bent out of shape because you saw some dude’s calves when it’s 98° with 80% humidity? Please tell me more. Not to be this guy, but women can wear whatever they want, whenever they want. Let’s bring men’s fashion standards into the 21st century, please.

If your gripe with shorts is that pants look better, I won’t really fight you on that. I run very hot and need shorts to survive, but I’m willing to concede the wrong pair of shorts with the wrong outfit can look rough. But if it’s some philosophical thing? You can go to hell. “It makes you look like a little kid!” So? You know who enjoys their lives more than 99.99999% of adults? Little kids. Maybe emulating them isn’t the worst thing ever? Just throwing it out there. “It isn’t professional.” This really triggers me. Doesn’t look professional according to who, exactly? The tastemakers who set men’s fashion trends 200 years ago that, for some reason, have never been updated? Really applicable today. People think suits look professional because society has told them suits look professional. Suits aren’t inherently better for business, or anything. Really, they’re quite impractical. It shouldn’t take more than a minute to put clothes on, and jackets in this heat have to take 20 years off your life. If some aristocrat in Edwardian England said shorts are the best thing to wear to your noon HR meeting, guess what you’d be wearing to work everyday? Shorts! I don’t understand why more people don’t realize how fake and arbitrary the majority of our societal norms really are (as a side note, and I realize I’m probably outing myself as a non-successful poor person, but who cares about looking professional. Like, do you really think you’re so important that you have to wear a suit and tie 100% of the time or else someone might think you don’t mean business? Make your own reputation, don’t let your clothes make it for you. Whoa, just got pretty deep, there). Why can’t you wear shorts in the club (talk about taking yourself too seriously)? Why can’t you wear shorts to work? Why can’t you wear shorts to GO GOLFING?!?!?!? I’m so tired of it. It’s 2018, wear what you want (as long as it’s not a knit hat).

Listen, I know people that never wear shorts. Jean/pants in summer guys. And I just can’t wrap my mind around it. Why would you willingly make yourself more uncomfortable? Are you that self-conscious about your legs (I hate the anti-men’s legs crowd. They’re just legs, bro. Everyone’s got ’em)? In that case I’d say grow up and that no one cares about your legs. Or are you afraid of what society will think of you because of the stigma currently surrounding shorts? Because then I blame all of you people. So intent on keeping all the men of the world down that you make them think having sweaty-ass legs is the manly thing to do. SMH. It’s time to end the discrimination. #FreetheCalf2018. Spread the word. Big changes start with the smallest thoughts.

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The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3

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Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to meundies.com and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.

Starters

G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis

Bench

F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto

Pitchers

  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.

 

I’m So Sick of Stupid Hipster Knit Hats

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Folks, I live in Brooklyn. It’s a lovely place with tons of stuff to do. To be honest, I’m enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would when I first moved. But every stereotype you have of BK is true. Literally every single one. And I’m fine with it, for the most part. It’s good to live in a diverse area with different views and social standings. But one thing has really gotten to me and I can no longer keep quiet- the stupid knit hats hipsters wear 24/7.

Full disclosure: I’ve hated these particular hats since the moment I first saw them. Even in a random Vermont high school, these hats were a clear sign that someone thought they represented the counter-culture, even though, if you ask me, having a specific uniform to let everyone know how against the mainstream you are kind of defeats the purpose. But, like 95% of my emotions, I just bottled the hatred up and shoved it deep inside. Now that I’m exposed to them so much more frequently, though, I can’t contain my anger. These hats are the worst things ever invented and I want them eradicated from the face of the earth.

This isn’t a blanket anti-winter hat manifesto. I love winter hats (even though they mess up my hair), and knit hats are awesome. This is about a specific kind of knit hat. The kind that people wear drooping in the back. Or the kind that hipsters wear when it’s 90 degrees out, which I saw last week. The kind where, if you saw someone wearing it, you’d instantly think “wow, that guy wants everyone to know he’s a hipster.” You know the type of hat I’m talking about.

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For all the bumpkins out there that don’t live in major metropolitan areas, this is what 50% of white people that live in cities wear year-round. Doesn’t matter the weather, where they’re going, what they’re doing, they’ve got a dumb looking hat on. And I just don’t get it. They aren’t fashionable. They don’t look good on people’s heads. I realize the main consumer base of these hats lives their lives ironically so they can avoid admitting to the world that they actually like and enjoy things and that they’ve never shed their adolescent lack of self-assurance and narcissistic belief that other people actually care about what they’re doing (I’m getting #triggered right now, I know), but to go so far as to staple an unflattering accessory to your head just to let people know that you think the imperial IPA from your buddy’s basement microbrewery is a perfect beer to sip while listening to The Decemberists’ third album (on vinyl, of course)? Why? What’s the upside? I know being hot is uncool, but how can you torture yourself by wearing a knit hat in summer? There’s no skinny white guy wearing a flannel shirt in the middle of July that isn’t a hipster, so why add the hat? Is it just because normies like me get #madonline when they see them? At least I could respect that, but it also goes back to what I hate most about hipsters in the first place. Their obsession with seeming cool and detached and aloof 100% of the time. You know who doesn’t care about whether or not people think they’re cool? People who are actually cool. I know there’s a list of, like, ten things hipsters are allowed to un-ironically like, but maybe move past that? Maybe if your friends will only like you if you wear a dumb looking hat, they aren’t really your friends and it’s time to actually have a real personality and not one that is based purely on bashing popular opinion and happiness? I realize I’m not making any sense anymore, but that’s how passionate I am about this. Get rid of hipster knit hats. Forever. It’s an epidemic that needs curing.

I propose we put a tax on knit hats. Part of the appeal of these abominations are how cheap they are. Well how about if you buy a knit hate between the months of March and November you have to pay a 1000000% sales tax? Or if you buy a knit hat you have to declare whether it’s for practical use or fashion, and if you say fashion not only are you given a huge fine, but you have to revoke your hipster membership for admitting that you care about something. It’s a win-win for everyone. Non-hipsters don’t have to deal with hipsters anymore, and hipsters get to experience life without being shackled by the heavy expectations their community places on them. I think I just solved Brooklyn. I’ll accept my award at the city’s earliest convenience.

I’m Sick of People Calling Christmas Sweaters Ugly

Anyone who knows me knows I love Christmas. I love the traditions, I love the food, I love the snow, I love all of it. Well, almost all of it. There’s one small detail that really gets under my skin: Christmas parties. Actually, let me re-phrase that. I hate Ugly Sweater parties. Why, you ask? Everyone knows I love getting festive and dressing up in eye-catching outfits. Seems like a perfect fit. And it is. I’m just sick of people calling the sweaters ugly.

I mean, look at this:

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You’re telling me that’s ugly? I see a smart looking sweater that perfectly captures the spirit of a Nordic Christmas. That’s a money sweater that I wish I had. That’s not ugly. And what about this?

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That’s a good looking sweater, right there. Love me some maroon. It’s the most underrated winter color, IMO. Looks great in any situation. Does that look like the fact of a woman who thinks she’s wearing something ugly? I think not. Don’t like reindeer for some reason? Well, Christmas sweaters have a pretty deep design pool to draw from.

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That’s what I’m talking about. If anyone can look you in the face and call this ugly, they’re probably getting visited by three ghosts when they go to bed. Wearing something like this puts some pep in your step and gives you a better outlook on life. If you hate that, then you’re the ugly one, friend.

To make one thing clear: I’m only talking about legitimate sweaters. Knit sweaters that have lives of their own and tighten and loosen at the drop of a hat. Not these new age “ugly christmas sweaters” that everyone’s pedaling that are just sweatshirts with a small design steam printed on. It’s always novelty designs or pop culture references or something. You’ll see something online saying something like “New Ugly Christmas Sweaters On Sale Now!” and it’ll be something like this:

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That’s a sweatshirt, fool! That’s not a Christmas sweater. If you roll up to my Christmas party and you’re wearing this? Sorry, but you’re getting left out in the cold. A good rule of thumb: if it has a Gildan tag on it, it’s not legitimate. The design has to go all the way around and it has to be knit. There’s no comparison. Sweatshirts look bad. Sweaters look good:

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Mazel tov to anyone lucky enough to have a sweater that looks this good. This is the perfect Christmas Holiday sweater. Subtle, understated, and gets people talking. Try walking into a party wearing a lame sweatshirt and starting conversations with people. Can’t imagine it’ll go well. But if you’re wearing that? First they compliment on your sweater, you say thanks, they ask where you got it, you give a vague answer so no one can find it and replicate your style, then next thing you know you’re talking about net neutrality and the meaning of life.

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This sweater will get you respect, it will get you friends, it will get you a significant other, it will get you happiness. Can’t imagine a better garment than that. And people want to call these ugly? You try knitting a sweater while perfectly capturing the whimsical reindeer in its natural, snowy habitat on a red or green background. Would you like it if someone called it ugly? I doubt it. Calling these sweaters ugly is like calling Christmas itself ugly. I don’t think I need to say why that just wouldn’t be okay. Christmas sweaters are Christmas, and if you don’t like them or think they’re ugly, post your address in the comments so I can come fight you.

In case you somehow haven’t gotten me a Christmas gift yet, just throwing this one out there.

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