Jean-Paul Satre famously wrote in his 1944 play No Exit (or Huis Clos for cultured readers) “Hell is other people.” For me, Hell is NFC East division games. They’re always forced down our throats and they’re always boring as shit. The Giants have Odell Beckham and Saquon Barkley and somehow aren’t fun to watch. Think about that for a second. How is it possible to have two of the most explosive players in the league and not be exciting? For starters, if Eli Manning were a steak he’d be approaching shoe leather-levels of doneness. He’s awful. If it weren’t for his brother’s final go, this might be the worst season ever turned in by a future Hall of Famer. Obviously the dreadful o-line doesn’t help. Nor does the porous defense. I guess what I’m saying is that the Giants stink. I bet they wouldn’t stink if they stuck to their Color Rush/throwback jersey template. They look so much better with the white facemask/white pants/Giants on the helmet instead of NY combo. Enough of boring old gray. You’re the New York Giants! Stop looking like a high school team! People will say this means the Eagles are back (and they probably are), but I think the G-Men are just that bad.
We’re starting to reach that part of the season where every game looks terrible on paper, which is always a good time. Just lowers expectations, really. We’ve even got our first London game of the year! This one features two bad teams no one wants to watch! It’s all about growing the game.
Seattle Seahawks (-3) vs Oakland Raiders (London)
Me mate Jon Gruden’s been cheesed off about ‘is side’s lack of pressure, but facin’ the worst offensive line since the Spanish Inquisition should ‘elp remedy the problem. Seattle are tryin’ their ‘ardest to cock up Russell Wilson’s prime by surroundin’ ‘im wif utter crap. Methinks Pete Carroll lost the plot this past September 11th anniversary, and ‘e’s been researchin’ dodgy store-brand jet fuel burn temperatures instead of buildin’ a quality group of lads around ‘is talisman. If only this game was earlier to give it some novelty, because this is goin’ to be total bollocks. First one to 21 wins.
Pick: Raiders
Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans (-10)
I was about to say this game might be sneaky entertaining, but then I sadly realized I wasn’t living in the fantasy world I created as a lonely youth. Bills stink, Texans are….hot? Two straight wins immediately puts you among the contenders in the AFC, regardless of how bad you’ve been the rest of the year. It seems preposterous that the Texans could be favored by 10 against anyone, but they’re only favored by 10 because they’re going to win by 24.
Pick: Texans
Chicago Bears (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins
Khalil Mack may score five touchdowns this game. At the very least, he’ll have Ryan Tannehill begging for mercy and waving the white flag. But, hey, this is the Dolphins’ year to win the division.
Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2)
This is a new scenario I’m going to lay out for you: the Bengals, the Cincinnati Bengals, mind you, look good. They’re 4-1. They’re about to take the leap into the league’s truly elite. They’re ready to finally make some noise in the postseason. All they have to do is beat the Steelers! It’s easy!
Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-2.5)
I’m worried about the fact that I think the Jets are going to dominate. It’s like thinking the sun isn’t going to rise in the morning. It’s just not where you want to be.
Pick: Colts
Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins (-1)
Your weekly “it’ll never be shown on RedZone so did it even happen?” game. This thing’s gonna stink. I always find myself giving the Panthers the benefit of the doubt, though.
Pick: Panthers
Arizona Ca******s at Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)
Went and got some new jeans yesterday. Think they make my butt look nice. I expect to get a lot of sultry looks when I wear them out on the town. It’ll be a good boost to the ol’ self-confidence. Things are looking up!
Pick: Vikings
Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns
This is like a battle between gods, only instead of controlling elements or cosmic forces, their domain is finding weird ways to lose football games. A missed extra point? A last second turnover? Terrible coaching? All of these and more? What absurd event will completely cripple the losing team? Will there be a losing team? Browns D is legitimately good, but Baker is still in that “wacky rookie gunslinging QB” phase where literally anything can happen, so I know neither team runs away with it. Let’s get another tie!
Pick: Browns
Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-3)
I don’t know about the Falcons, man. They’re too good to totally suck, but they totally suck. Jameis is godawful and I’m not totally sure why he’s still included in the Bucs’ longterm plans, but the Falcons have the second worst defense of all time, behind only the Bucs. Falcons might score 70 points, but they might give up 71. The only thing I know about the Falcons is that they were up by 25 points in the third quarter against the Patriots in the Super Bowl and still lost and still haven’t recovered.
Pick: Falcons
Los Angeles Rams (-7) at Denver Broncos
Broncos are bad. Rams are good. Don’t overthink it.
Pick: Rams
Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) at Dallas Cowboys
Wait, the Cowboys are in the national 4:25 game, forcing everyone to watch them and talk about them, thus perpetuating the myth that they’re relevant??????? Huh?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Say it ain’t so.
Pick: Jags
Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Tennessee Titans
I’ve bragged about my ability to correctly predict this Ravens season. This is going to be put to the test against the Titans, the team I can’t figure out for the life of me. Actually, scratch that. I do know the Titans. They stink they’re just ridiculously lucky. Well guess what? No one is luckier than the Joe Flacco Ravens in the history of the NFL. Tough to win when the other team has your greatest strength beat.
Pick: Ravens
Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (-3)
Folks, get ready to roll you eyes- I see no scenario in which the Pats lose this game. This is all about haves and have-nots. The Chiefs start red hot every year. Every season someone comes along threatening to reinvent the game and shake the very foundation of the NFL. And every year, some hotshot team thinks they’ve got the Super Bowl wrapped up when they come to Gillette Stadium for a Sunday night game. Every year, things don’t go the way they think it will. Welcome to the Chiefs’ Letterman Jacket game. The Mahomes run is dead. Long live Mahomes.
Pick: Pats
San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers (-9.5)
Dear God, why?
Pick: Packers
Brian's Den 