NFL Picks Week 9

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Hope everyone had a good Halloween. I know I did. Just the thought of Nick Mullens taking on the Oakland Raiders in prime time gave me more nightmares than any movie I’ve seen in the last ten years. Raiders are bad, Niners are bad, this game was bad. That’s my take on it. Although, I have to ask: does Nick Mullens make Jimmy G expendable? Makes you think. On to the real games.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Time to throw out those record books you’ve been keeping, because my sources are saying these two teams don’t like each other. It’s too early for the second Steelers-Ravens game, both in the year and in the day. You can’t have Steelers-Ravens in Baltimore at 1 o’clock. You just can’t, especially when we had Raiders-49ers last night and Titans-Cowboys on Monday night. This is a Ravens win, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. They’re coming off back-to-back losses and have looked bad doing so. As we all know, the Ravens are making at least the AFC Championship Game this year. That means they’ve got to win just enough big games to actually make the playoffs. They might win by 14+.

Pick: Ravens

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-4.5)

Lions just traded Golden Tate and are probably thinking about waving the white flag. Vikings just got crushed at home by the Saints are entering a crucial part of their schedule that could effectively eliminate them from playoff contention if it goes poorly. This one could be blowout city.

Pick: Vikings

Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins (-1.5)

I just can’t do it. I can’t convince myself the Falcons are bad and the Redskins are good. It’s impossible for my brain to comprehend. Even if the Falcons blew their only shot at ever winning a Super Bowl by blowing a 25 point second half lead against the Patriots and the Redskins have a legitimately good defense, I can’t accept this reality. I’m sorry.

Pick: Falcons

Tampa Bay Bucs at Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Fitzmagic round 2, baby! I’m worried we might be on the backside of the roller coaster this time around, but if anything, that’s when things become even more entertaining. I can smell at least one pick six coming, possibly two. Panthers might also just put up 700 yards this game and win by a thousand. Bucs STINK.

Pick: Panthers

Kanas City Chiefs (-9) at Cleveland Browns

Folks, it’s officially Gregg Williams time in Cleveland, and you know what that means. Oh, yeah, that’s right. You know. It’s Gregg Williams time, anything can happen. Yeah. You know what I kind of hate? Spelling Greg with two Gs at the end. Last time I checked, one G sufficed. Why do we need superfluous Gs? Who’s impressed by a Greg who spells it Gregg? I’m not. I don’t see someone with a second G and think he’s twice the man, or anything. Just seems unnecessary. Like Geoff. Just spell it Jeff like everyone else, dude. Tell me you don’t like my firm, tell me you don’t like my idea, tell me you don’t like my fuckin neck tie, but don’t tell me you need a second G at the end of Greg.

Pick: Chiefs

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins (-3)

Like, these teams are the Pats’ main competition in the AFC East. That’s easily the funniest part of the entire dynasty.

Pick: Jets

Chicago Bears (-10) at Buffalo Bills

If, for some reason, the Bills’ collective spirit wasn’t already broken, allowing the Patriots to cover a 14 point spread while the Pats played like dogshit and the Bills played a perfect game/first five plays probably did it. But hey, things are looking up! Nate Peterman’s dusting off his arm and getting ready to sling it around the yard. Nothing inspires the boys quite like the most important player on the field being one of the worst in history at the position. I feel bad for the good people of Orchard Park, but this is what you get when your team spends its entire budget on folding tables and RVs. Don’t come to me with buyer’s remorse when there’s more money put into the Lowe’s account than the offensive line.

Pick: Bears

Los Angeles Chargers at Seattle Seahawks (-1)

It’s impossible to do anything quietly in the NFL, but I feel like it’s under the radar that the Seahawks are….pretty good? They were left for dead after a clunky start, but they’re right back in the thick of the playoff hunt and have the number two defense in the league by DVOA. Russell Wilson has a career high in yards per attempt and passer rating, and isn’t even top three on the team in rushing. If you’ve been following the Seahawks for the last few years, that last stat is probably the best sign of all. Chargers are red hot, too, but I think I’m in on a post-Legion of Boom Seahawks resurgence. Chargers are L.A. soft, Seahawks by a million.

Pick: Seahawks

Houston Texans at Denver Broncos (Pick)

No one’s gone from totally dead to virtual playoff lock faster than the 2018 Houston Texans. That’s what five straight wins does for you when you’re in the AFC South. Broncos, on the other hand, are just dead. They stink. Denver’s always a tough place to play, especially if you’ve never gone there before, but still. Big time Demaryius Thomas revenge game incoming.

Pick: Texans

Los Angeles Rams (-1.5) at New Orleans Saints

I’ve got a gut feeling this is when the Rams pick up their first loss. Everyone is already looking forward to the Mexico City game against the Chiefs in a few weeks, but I like the Saints, here. It’s very rare, but I think this is a matchup of the two best teams in their respective franchises’ history (don’t @ me Marshall Faulk), and it’s the likely NFC Championship Game matchup. Big games in the Superdome just feel different. It’s the lighting, it’s the fans, it’s when the Saints score on their opening drive in four plays, it’s all of it. Might be close, but the Saints win.

Pick: Saints

Green Bay Packers at New England Patriots (-6)

You know what? I’m not scared of Aaron Rodgers. Not even a little bit. You know how not scared I am? This is my best bet of the week. Pats by a thousand. (This is a double reverse jinx attempt, let’s see how it goes!)

Pick: Pats

Tennessee Titans at Dallas Cowboys (-5.5)

There are people who are excited for this game. Someone out there considers attending this insult of a Monday Night game to be the highlight of their entire year. Think about that. Think about that while you’re watching the worst football game ever played.

Pick: Cowboys

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