Many people are going to be saying the Dallas Cowboys are now a team of destiny and a lock to win the Super Bowl. After all, when’s the last time an NFL team won four straight games? While I admit it’s hard to think of a better team in NFL history than the 2018 Cowboys, I must preach self-control. Don’t fall into the trap. The Cowboys are not going to win the Super Bowl, don’t worry. They will not win a single playoff game. Their defense is good, yes, but they have an absolutely dreadful offense. That’s not how you succeed in 2018. Not in this league. Many of you probably think I have a grudge against the Cowboys. The standard “I hate the Cowboys” mentality that nearly every non-Cowboys fan has. I really don’t. I hate Leighton Vander Esch, but not the Cowboys. I just find them unbearably boring and it bothers me that so much of the conversation about the NFL is focused on such an irrelevant team. If they were a legitimate threat to do something this season, by all means talk about them day and night. But why waste your breath on a team that’s only strategy is “hope the other team literally falls asleep because Dak is the most boring quarterback in NFL history, including Brad Johnson?” Seems counterintuitive, to me.
As for the Saints, I don’t know what the hell happened, but I wouldn’t be too worried. Many a foe have fallen victim to LVE’s unconquerable roid rage (allegedly).
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins (-3.5)
Dolphins only favored by 3.5 against the Buffalo Bills. Imagine ever thinking this team would live up to the hype.
Chicago Bears (-4) at New York Giants
Am I crazy or are things going a little too well for the Bears right now? I think they are. They’ve been feasting on bad teams lately, and while the Giants are also bad, they haven’t technically been eliminated from the playoffs yet, meaning they have at least one more inexplicable win left in them. Eli turns back the clock one more time. Also Mitch’s still out.
Arizona C*******s at Green Bay Packers (-14)
Like what did Aaron Rodgers accomplish over the course of the last two seasons that made him the GOAT in everyone’s mind? What changed? He missed the playoffs a few more times? That pushed him over the edge? The same thing’s happening with Brees. People (me) are now saying he’s top 3 ever, but he played at the exact same time as Peyton Manning as was literally never better than him. I’m sick of all this revisionist history just because Brees is having an unreal season and everyone hates the Pats. Five rings still matters, dammit! Rodgers also might be the worst person ever, BTW, but don’t let anyone know you know that. They don’t like it when you bring up that his teammates hate him and he sends unopened Christmas gifts back to his family.
Denver Broncos (-5.5) at Cincinnati Bengals
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the league wanted the Broncos to stay red hot.
Baltimore Ravens at Atlanta Falcons (-1.5)
The old black bird matchup. Classic rivalry. Throw out the record books when these two get together. Ravens have been given new life thanks to Lamar Jackson and a bad defense gift basket sent by the NFL. Well, umm, the Falcons are near the bottom of every defensive category. Yeah.
Indianapolis Colts (-5) at Jacksonville Jaguars
Jags STTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Colts are completely back from the dead. Andrew Luck has never lost to an AFC South team (might not be true, but still).
Los Angeles Rams (-10) at Detroit Lions
Do you think Jared Goff has ever been within 500 miles of Detroit? What do you think he’ll make of the Motor City? Will he recognize Coney Dogs and square pizza as (delicious) food? How will he handle the cold and bleak cityscape? This whole team is way too Hollywood to survive in Detroit for long. Luckily they only have to stay for a week.
Carolina Panthers (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs
Pretty simple: Panthers have to win. Have to. Season’s pretty much done if they lose a fourth in a row, especially against a bad Bucs team. All I want is for Jameis/Fitz to get back to throwing a million funny picks.
Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-6)
Just like I was able to sniff out the Broncos’ resurgence, I’m about to offer up another Fearless Prediction- the wheels are about to fall off the Texans’ bandwagon. I just don’t trust them. I think they stink. The defense is great, but it just feels like something’s missing. Are the Houston Texans really going to win nine in a row? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to get a bye? No. Are the Houston Texans really going to do anything other than lose on Wild Card Saturday or in New England the next week? No. Ride the Browns.
Kansas City Chiefs (-15.5) at Oakland Raiders
Here’s yet another fearless prediction- the Chiefs will win by a lot.
New York Jets at Tennessee Titans (-8)
San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (-10)
The 2018 Seahawks don’t win by more than 4. Don’t look it up, it’s definitely true. This stinks to high heaven like a classic “Seahawks can’t get anything going and are down 10 with nine minutes left but all of a sudden Russell Wilson decides they’re just not going to lose” game. Seahawks by 3.
Minnesota Vikings at New England Patriots (-5)
Listen. I very rarely go as far as to stake my reputation on a single pick. I’m not one for hyperbole. I don’t like to overreact. But hear me now: If this game ends in anything other than a Patriots’ 24+ point win I will (think about) retiring from weekly picks. Pats are going to massacre the Vikings. Kirk Cousins in New England in December. That’s all you need to know.
Los Angeles Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)
Huge game. Important game. Chargers still aren’t technically out of the running for the number one seed. Steelers just had an absolutely excruciating loss in Denver, will obviously lose to New England in a few weeks, and still have to play the Saints. They need this game badly. Two high powered offenses. Two good-not-great defenses. Who will come out on top? Probably the Steelers because they’re at home and will get the benefit of at least one controversial call. And they’re just better.
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)
This is just a personal insult.