It’s me, Brian. You know, your favorite blogger and NFL expert. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written to you, but I know you’ve been keeping tabs on me. You see me when I’m sleeping and know when I’m awake, right? Anyway, I’m sure you can guess why I’m writing you. I’ve got a list of stuff I want. Nothing major. Nothing too crazy. Nothing that’s gonna make the elves have to work overtime, or anything. How did the elves get licensing rights for everything, by the way? I find it hard to believe Apple and Disney and Microsoft are cool with independent third parties manufacturing their goods. Are you independent? But I guess that’s not what’s really important, here.
The first wish I have is that the Washington Redskins disappear from my life forever. If you give me Titans -10 that should go a long way to achieving that.
I want the Ravens +4.5 (vs. Chargers) to keep winning because I enjoy their wacky, 1920s gameplan (I’m 75% sure the Chargers win, though). But more than that, I would like some existential clarity. The Ravens have been my least favorite team for nigh a decade; their team populated with such despicable characters and legitimately awful people that it was easy to hate them when they beat the Pats. If you could just make Terrell Suggs go away I could easily turn the page on this hatred. After all, purple is my favorite color.
I also kind of like the Colts -9 against the Giants, so I wish there was a miracle way the Colts and Ravens could both make the playoffs. I know there isn’t, so I’d be fine if it was just the Ravens. I’d rather the Pats lose to Baltimore. I know it’s the Christmas season, and all, but I can’t have the QB I’ve bashed more than anyone be the guy to put the nail in the 2018 Patriots.
I want everyone who considers Aaron Rodgers the GOAT to feel stupid. And I want Jets +3 because it’s funny when they screw themselves out of good draft picks.
I want this Pats season to be over ASAP so I don’t have to sit through a million heart-attack inducing playoff games for the thousandth straight year. I know they won’t lose to the Bills, but maybe don’t cover the 13.5 and give me hope in this rudderless, now Josh Gordon-less team? Ah, who am I kidding? I haven’t picked against them in this websites history, why start now? I’ll take Pats -13.5.
I want the Vikings to die. Please give me Lions +6.
I want this impending Cowboys collapse to happen because it’d be the funniest thing to happen in the NFL in years. Bucs +7.
I really want the Pats to get a bye week. That’s really it. Just don’t be eliminated in the first weekend. For that to happen, I would need the Eagles -1.5 to beat the Texans.
I kind of want Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995. Need some more sultriness in my life.
I want a time machine so I can go back to the night the Falcons -3 blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. Never felt such legitimate joy. I also want Christian McCaffrey to get six more catches so he becomes the third running back with 100 catches in a season and completes the first ever father-son 100 catches in a season duo.
I want the Browns -9 to keep winning because why not? Bengals might currently be the second worst team in the league, anyway.
I want Jags–Dolphins -4 to be over.
I want to borrow your all-knowing insight to find out why the Bears -4.5 are favored by so low a number against an awful 49ers team. Picking the Bears is making me feel like a sucker and I know that’s not what Christmas is all about.
To boost my Nice stats, I will temporarily lift the ban and proclaim that the Cardinals +14.5 will cover. In return, I want to be Aaron Donald for a day.
I’d really love it if you gave me a miracle spray or something that prevented dust from forming. I’m too lazy to clean 99.9999% of the time but I don’t like looking at it.
I’d also like a new waffle iron.
I want the Saints -6 to show some signs of life because the NFL is more fun when Drew Brees is slinging the ball around and putting up 35 a game. I don’t need any more of these 12-9 games out of them. I’m not totally confident in this pick, though, because there’s a small part of me that sees the Steelers hanging 40 plus.
I want the Seahawks +3 to win at home against the Chiefs, because seeing everyone who proclaimed Kansas City the team to beat scrambling to deal with the fact that they would be the 5 seed would be funny to me.
I want a better Christmas Eve game than Broncos–Raiders +3.
More than anything, Santa, I just want to be right. That’s really all it comes down to. I just want my NFL takes to be correct. I’d fine with with getting a bunch of coal if I was always right about the NFL. Not that I’m not already, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, I hope Mrs. Claus is doing well. Don’t forget to care for the reindeer and give the elves breaks and time off. Wouldn’t want the Department of Labor to “randomly” investigate the workshop if I don’t get what I’m asking for.