In a weird way, it’s comforting that in this ever-changing world, Titans-Jags still play on Thursday night and the games always suck. The entire game was an abomination. Derrick Henry and Gardner Minshew were the only offensive players doing anything, and all of their good plays were negated by penalty or drop. Good defense and all that, but it was just a classic Thursday night game that makes you question why you’ve dedicated your life to having any interest in this awful sport. Anyway, I got Pizza Hut for the first time in a while last night (go my Instagram for the reason), and what’s up with the new pie? New crust, felt thinned out, not remotely the same texture. What gives? I noticed in the ordering process that there was the standard crust and original pan was $2 extra. Why should I have to pay a premium to get what should be the default option? And why is there a $20 delivery minimum? It wasn’t one of the few times a year where I’m craving Pizza Hut, but I was still ready to have a few cold slices of Hut this morning. What I got was a Domino’s pizza in an NFL themed box. Not an anti-Domino’s stance, either, but if I wanted Domino’s I’d just get Domino’s. Get it together. On to the games, this week STINKS. All lines from Bovada.
Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts (-1)
Listen, I know he’s everyone’s favorite boy, but Carson Wentz is ass and the Falcons almost blew the game against him and a high school JV receiving corps. Jacoby Brissett hasn’t exactly been lighting it up so far, but Marlon Mack has. Big time. Plus, this an Adam Vinatieri Revenge Game (against the construct of time), and there’s an ironclad mandate that every Falcons primetime win must be followed by a Sunday afternoon loss. Whatever, this game sucks, I don’t care how bad this segment was.
Pick: Colts -1
Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs (-6)
Now we’re talking. Lamar vs. Mahomes. Harbaugh vs. Reid. A fun team putting up huge stats in garbage time vs. the team up 40 because they scored 63 points in the first half. It’s got everything, including what is sure to be a thrilling backdoor attempt in the waning seconds. I don’t trust the Chiefs defense to do much, but I do expect them to hold on for dear life just long enough.
Pick: Chiefs -6
Cincinnati Bengals at Buffalo Bills (-6)
Bengals legitimately have the worst defense I have ever seen in my life. I could make a few guys miss and pick up a decent chunk of yards against them, and they’re scheduled to face real-life NFL players this week. And every week after. I’m not a Dalton hater, but every single Bengals road game is an auto-pick, regardless of opponent. Josh Allen gets 250 yards rushing.
Pick: Bills -6
Denver Broncos at Green Bay Packers (-7.5)
This game makes me want to puke, but just think about this for a second: what if Green Bay was called Red Bay or something. Or something non-color related. Would the Packers still wear green? Or would they go even heavier into yellow? Without the shackles of the name Green Bay, would be they be avant-garde with their jersey color? Taupe jerseys? Crazy. Not quite as crazy as
Kirk Cousins going 8-10 for 98 yards anyone thinking Joe Flacco can go on the road against a good defense and get anything positive out of it, but still crazy.
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)
Couldn’t pick the Lions fast enough. I know everyone crushes Matt Patricia, whatever. Not everyone can appreciate slovenly exPatriots who routinely make questionable coaching decisions, but I do. Guy was a rocket scientist, you know. Lions D is legit, and Carson Wentz SUCKS. I don’t care if I’m the only guy on this island. He’s so inconsistent, and when he’s bad there’s only two or three guys that consistently make worse throws (Matt Ryan, Ryan Fitzpatrick, maybe Flacco), he’s hurt every two seconds, and the team always gets better when he’s out. They literally won the Super Bowl without the presumptive MVP. He’s trash, and every receiver on the roster is hurt. Eagles suck. Stay tuned for Undisputed, next on FS1.
Pick: Lions +6
Miami Dolphins at Dallas Cowboys (-23.5)
Alright, come on, man. This is getting ridiculous. I know they’re one of the best teams in Sun Belt history, but the Dolphins don’t deserve this much respect.
Pick: Cowboys -23.5
New York Jets at New England Patriots (-23)
I’m legitimately upset that they think Luke Falk coming into Foxborough is a half-point better than anyone ever. More Pats disrespect. These massive lines are just taunting me and I have no choice but to take them.
Oakland Raiders at Minnesota Vikings (-9)
I think canned drinks should be more available for individual sale. I get the cap increases the longevity of a beverage, but when I go into a corner store I’m not looking to nurse a deliciously refreshing Sprite lemon-lime soda all day. I’m looking to crush it in one sitting, possibly even in the period of time it takes me to get from the aforementioned store back to my house. Cans are just more satisfying. Popping the tab is half the fun, and you can’t tell me they don’t get colder than plastic bottles. I just want to be able to buy one can of non-alcoholic drink, I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I don’t want six, I want one. And more drinks should be canned. Canned water? Sure. Canned Gatorade? Why not? Canned Glaceau vitaminwater Ice? Hell yeah. They’re eco-friendly and make for a better drinking experience. Give me more cans and fewer games where Derek Carr faces Kirk Cousins.
Pick: Raiders +9
Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals (-2.5)
Uh-oh, that’s Kyle Allen’s music! He’s looking to raise some hell! He’s looking to put together a video package of him and Kyler together at Texas A&M from before Kyler transferred that they play three separate times during the game! Someone stop this man! (disregard if Cam Newton plays for some reason)
Pick: Cardinals -2.5
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Bucs (-6)
Has anyone made this joke yet? Yes? Oh, okay. Nevermind then. Bucs passing game is itching to finally do something and facing the Giants is the perfect medicine. Not-at-all-salty take on Eli: if having two great four-game stretches in an otherwise piece of shit career is enough to get you into the Hall of Fame, someone get Ryan Fitzpatrick’s bust ready ASAP.
Pick: Bucs -6
Houston Texans at Los Angeles Chargers (-3)
Honest question and I’m not trying to troll: if the Chargers just weren’t in the league, would anyone notice? I’m not sure I would. The games are always close, but in that “man, I forgot about that game two seconds later” kind of way. All their playoff moments are embarrassing losses. Phil Rivers is just nondescriptly very good. Even the Texans are more of a compelling franchise. Chargers still win, though, and maybe by a lot. Hate, hate, hate the Texans’ offensive line.
Pick: Chargers -3
New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks (-4.5)
You’re lucky I’m the Seahawks Whisperer because this is some pretty tricky terrain to navigate. On one hand, you have the Seahawks’ incurable addiction to scoring the bare minimum amount of points to win a game. On the other hand, you have a backup QB leading a limited offense against a pretty good defense in one of the toughest places to play in the league. This could go in either direction. But, really, there’s only one way this game will go. First drive of the game, Teddy Ballgame comes out firing. Kamara’s catching the ball, he’s running the ball. Michael Thomas is killing the defense with 12-yard games. Easy touchdown off play-action to Josh Hill for some reason. Then they don’t score the rest of the game.
Pick: Seahawks -4.5
Pittsburgh Steelers at San Francisco 49ers (-7)
Will Mason Rudolph let it rock or will Jimmy G break out the soprano sax and lull the defense to sleep? Probably the latter, because the Steelers’ season is OVER. But this is the year they’ll beat the Pats in the playoffs, though.
Pick: 49ers -7
Los Angeles Rams (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns
It’s the first Sunday night game in Cleveland since the last Sunday night game in Cleveland, and the energy will be at an all-time high. Too bad that won’t be enough to stop Aaron Donald from getting 700 tackles for loss. Gonna be a tough night for Baker and his army of imaginary haters. What’s up with these Rams lines so far? Did they forget they semi-revolutionized the league last year?
Pick: Rams -3.5
Chicago Bears (-4) at Washington Redskins
This is just an insult.
Pick: Bears -4