You know what’s annoying? When your almost 10-year-old laptop starts turning off when you touch it or move it the wrong way. It’s added an extra level of suspense and danger to every second of computer use that I’m not sure I really wanted. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking “just get a new one.” Why didn’t I think of that? It’s true, I could probably afford a new one after all this time. But, and I don’t want to spill the beans too early, here, there’s going to be some potential content coming in the not-so-distant future that requires me to be as liquid as possible. So we’re putting new laptop in the “I could do something about it if I really wanted to but I think I’ll just complain about it, hope it gets better, and wish for one to magically appear” category. You know what else is annoying? Construction work at 7am. Like, fellas, come on. Just because you have to wake up at four in the morning for work doesn’t mean I do. Can’t you do literally anything else but use heavy machinery two feet from my window when I’m trying to hold on to the wonderful world of dreams? There was football last night, but I knew the Eagles would win because their season was on the line. Good teams win season-on-the-line games, fraud teams lose other teams’ season-on-the-line games. Simple as that. I’m #done with the Packers, which I’m very happy about. Not relevant to anything since he’s just their second tight end, but Dallas Goedert has rocks for hands. Literal rocks. Eagles can’t be thrilled they used a first-round pick on him. Also, I’ve been keeping track of the worst players I’ve seen this year, and out of respect for his scary injury I won’t say Eagles cornerback Avonte Maddox is number one, but yeah. Noah Fant and Josh Norman can sleep easy knowing they still share the crown. Week 4 could be good, which means it probably won’t be. All lines from Bovada.
Carolina Panthers at Houston Texans (-4)
I’ll tell you what, man. This Kyle Allen? This guy’s got it, man. Something about these guys with two first names, man. Gives them double the quarterbacking prowess. Kyle Allen, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, the list goes on. Just adds a bit of moxie on top. This guy Kyle Allen, man. I like to call him the sheriff because he’s always in command out there.
Pick: Panthers +4
Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens (-7)
I’ll say it: Freddie Kitchens is one of the worst coaches I’ve ever seen. Really don’t know how you interview him and come out of it thinking he’s qualified to be a head coach. He looks like every fat, stupid waste of space that takes up the aisles of every Walmart south of Rowayton. What talents does he have, besides being the dumbest person alive? Headscratching decision by Browns management, which is something I’ve never said before. I’m officially retiring the bit about Baker Mayfield’s army of imaginary haters, because he’s got a very real hater: me. Guy stinks. Ravens by 10,000.
Pick: Ravens -7
Kansas City Chiefs (-7) at Detroit Lions
I’ve been all over the Lions this year, but I’ve got some bad news for my friends in Detroit. The allures and culture of Detroit are enough to intimidate the soft Cali Brahs, but Kansas City is the Shambhala of Middle America. They’ve ascended to the highest plane of Midwestern existence. They have cold, but it’s not as bad as Detroit. They have delicious, unhealthy food, but their’s is way better than Detroit’s. They have a lot of industrial plants, but they’re less run down and depressing than Detroit’s are. Nothing the poor Lions can do about it. Just going against a better model.
Pick: Chiefs -7
Los Angeles Chargers (-15.5) at Miami Dolphins
It can never be high enough.
Pick: Chargers -15.5
New England Patriots (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills
Much like when I was a naive and foolish man living in Week 2 of the 2019 NFL season, I must reiterate that the Patriots have never been picked against in Brian’s Den history. That streak won’t end here, but the signs are there. Bills defense is crazy good, Pats have two receivers and no running game, that’s kind of it. I mean, listen, the Pats are still going to win. I know it, you know it, the Bills know it. But it’s gonna be really ugly and really low scoring. That being said, gotta pick the Pats because Tom Brady is the mayor of Buffalo.
Pick: Pats -7.5
Oakland Raiders at Indianapolis Colts (-7)
What’s up with all these uncommon Raiders road games? Can’t ever remember seeing a Raiders-Colts game, even though the rules of the league dictate that it happens at least once every four years. Raiders are really bad, man. Like, really bad.
Pick: Colts -7
Tennessee Titans at Atlanta Falcons (-4)
You know what? I’m going to say three good things about the Falcons. The first is that they aren’t the Titans. The second is that it’s been 964 days since they blew a 28-3 lead in Super Bowl against the Patriots, so they’re definitely not still thinking about it every second of the day. The third is that I LOVE them this week. Might be my favorite game on the board. Falcons are back (even though they keep losing).
Pick: Falcons -4
Washington Redskins at New York Giants (-3)
Daniel Jones! Without Saquon! Yeah!
Pick: Giants -3
Seattle Seahawks (-5.5) at Arizona Cardinals
Cardinals capital S Stink. The only problem is, there’s a secret chance the Seahawks might, too. I can smell this backdoor from 2,497 miles away. If you’re wondering what an Arizona backdoor smells like, imagine if a cigarette factory had a serious outbreak of athlete’s foot that went untreated for three weeks.
Pick: Cardinals +5.5
Tampa Bay Bucs at Los Angeles Rams (-10)
Rams had been undervalued in the first three weeks, but this feels like an overcorrection. Favored by 10? Against the Bucs? Against Jameis on the road? Against Bruce Arians, who’s made preposterous decisions in back-to-back weeks and might be going senile? Against a defense that allowed Daniel Jones to completely shred them? Okay, it might not be too big of a stretch.
Pick: Rams -10
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos (-3)
After declaring that I liked Gardner Minshew, I was appointed the official public liaison for all Jaguars affairs. I didn’t ask for it, but the team was so shocked anyone was talking about them they jumped on the opportunity to get more press. And, since they have been unable to reach him, they’ve asked me to extend an olive branch to Jalen Ramsey, the best player in franchise history. I have prepared a statement:
How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? How can we be lovers if we can’t be, can’t be friends? Look at us now, look at us, baby. Still tryin’ to work it out, never get it right. We must be fools, we must be crazy. Whoa, Whoa, when there’s no communication. Whoa, whoa, it’s a no-win situation. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be friends? We lie awake, this wall between us. We’re just not talkin’, we got so much to say. Let’s break these chains, our love can free us. Whoa, whoa, ain’t it time we started trying? Whoa, whoa, gotta stop this love from dying. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over when the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be friends? Baby, love is tough but we can make it. Baby, times are rough but we can make it. We can work it out. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over if the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be, can’t be friends? How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? How can we start over if the fighting never ends? Baby, how can we make love if we can’t make amends? Tell me how can we be lovers if can’t be, can’t be friends?
Pick: Jags +3
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears (-2)
So goddamn sick of watching Mitch Trubisky do literally anything. He’s not gonna be good this week. 178 yards, max. He might be the leading passer in the game, too, because the Vikings have taken Cousins-avoidance to an offensive level at this point. Like, I get he’s not great, but you gotta let him do something eventually. Otherwise, why did you bother signing him? Get both these teams out of my face and get the Bears out of the national conversation, please.
Pick: Vikings +2
Dallas Cowboys at New Orleans Saints (-3)
Here’s a fun story: December 19th, 2009 was a Saturday and I had to get up wicked early to go to a track meet in Burlington. For some reason, our bus got delayed and we got there too late for me to register for my one event (shotput). So I was stuck at a Vermont high school indoor track meet for like five or six hours with nothing to do. I wound up walking around the UVM campus by myself for at least an hour, but it was really cold and I hadn’t brought pants because I had assumed I would be participating in an athletic event. Then I tried to order a pizza, but it was either closed or the coach put the kibosh on it because it was a track meet or some other foolish reason. And on top of that, because I was a stupid 17-year-old, I hadn’t brought anything that might help me pass the time. Just had to watch a million track events, and all of my friends ran distance, which happened at the end of the meet. A truly, truly bleak way to spend a day. But I was able to spend some serious time talking to the girl I liked (yeah, nbd, I’ve talked to a girl before). Anyway, this is all to say that when I finally got home that night, the Cowboys were playing the Saints, who were 13-0 at the time, and there were more people at my house than usual, but I don’t remember the reason why. Think my dad had some friends over or something. The Cowboys won and I was pissed, because I loved that Saints team. This really has no bearing on Sunday night’s game, but I just had to get it off my chest.
Pick: Cowboys +3
Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)
Pick: Bengals +3.5