Did last night’s game even happen? I think it was the most forgettable, irrelevant game I’ve ever seen (I realize that discussing it as such immediately disqualifies it from being the most irrelevant game, but whatever). Imagine if that was the first game of football you’ve ever watched. Imagine if that was the only game you’ve ever watched. I think about that sometimes during nondescript prime time games. If your only impression of football was the week 8 Thursday night game between the Redskins and Vikings, I can’t imagine you’d ever come back for more. It wasn’t even bad enough where you could think it was an outlier and other games would be better. It was just boring. It was nothing. It was a nothing game. I can’t wait to never think about it again (don’t look now, but the Redskins have covered back-to-back games while only scoring 9 total points). It’s a good thing I don’t publish Thursday picks, otherwise I’d extend my streak of being wrong about every Kirk Cousins game to infinity consecutive weeks.
I’ve got some bad news for anyone from the previous sentence who’s experiencing their first-ever week of football this week for some reason- this week STINKS. I know I say that every week, but this week I really mean it. Pick your cliche: it’s apple picking week, it’s pumpkin patch week, it’s housework week, it’s fulfill social obligations so you don’t slowly become a hermit week. Rest assured, I’ll still be watching every second. But you shouldn’t. All lines from Bovada.
Seattle Seahawks (-7) at Atlanta Falcons
I know I said the Bengals had the worst defense I’ve ever seen a few weeks ago, but I have to rescind that proclamation, but the Falcons have the worst defense in the history of organized football. I will not listen to arguments. Their opponents no longer matter.
Pick: Seahawks -7
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts (-6)
Here’s a bit of trivia: did you know that the Broncos…are bad? It’s true, they are. And the Colts happen to be good. Beef Brissett has the second-most TD passes in the league. The post-Luck express train keeps rolling.
Pick: Colts -6
New York Giants at Detroit Lions (-6.5)
Lions seem kind of dead, but the Giants are also dead. It would be appropriate if this was the Halloween edition, but that comes next week even though it should probably be this week, but I already started this one normally and don’t feel like redoing it all again. Nothing wrong with some spookiness on November 1, right? I guess I’ll go Lions. Shoutout to everyone who apologized to Danny Dimes. Turns out he actually is horrible.
Pick: Lions -6.5
Los Angeles Chargers at Chicago Bears (-4)
I want both these teams to be disbanded.
Pick: Bears -4
Arizona Cardinals at New Orleans Saints (-10.5)
Folks, it’s finally time to admit I was wrong about the Saints. They did not, in fact, lose all the games I said they would lose. It’s tough to say, but there it is. They won’t lose this game, either (wink, wink). But things have been going a little too well for them, lately. It’s time they get stuck in an unnecessarily hairy game. Cardinals somehow have three wins and a tie. That means the maximum amount of games they can lose is 12. Only 12! This is twisting my brain around and the only way to get it untangled is to pick them on the road in the toughest place to play in the league.
Pick: Cardinals +10.5
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Los Angeles Rams (-13)
There are 32 teams in the NFL. That’s a pretty good number of teams. Decent sample size. How are 30 of them bad? I don’t get how 99% of NFL teams have absolutely no idea what they’re doing week to week. And we’re shipping two of them to London. Here you go, lads! Bengals-Rams! These two teams are really good, believe us! This league disgusts me.
Pick: Rams -13
New York Jets at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7)
There are so many awful games I don’t even know where to put my joke pick.
Pick: Jags -7
Tampa Bay Bucs at Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
I regret not doing the Halloween theme this week. At least then it would have been fun to go through these terrible, no good, very bad games. Curse the Gregorian Calendar.
Pick: Bucs -2.5
Philadelphia Eagles at Buffalo Bills (-2)
Josh Allen is about to sit down to an eleven-course meal at the finest restaurant in Buffalo (I assume it’s a TGI Friday’s), and bird is on the menu. Eagles are donezo.
Pick: Bills -2
Carolina Panthers at San Francisco 49ers (-6)
What the hell is this? A decent game? I’ll be honest, I love the Panthers. I’m back on board after quitting them for a couple weeks, but this feels like the perfect spot for the Niners to pick up their first loss. Jimmy G’s been teetering on the edge of a real stinker, and facing a good defense is finally gonna pop the pimple. I love the Niners, but they’re not 16-0. Kyle Allen keeps the QB controversy that everyone agrees isn’t a real controversy so why are we still talking about it? going.
Pick: Panthers +6
Cleveland Browns at New England Patriots (-13)
I know no one wants to hear me talk about the Pats anymore (jk, I know you’re addicted), so I’ll keep this short. I’ve seen people making desperate attempts to come up with ways the Browns can win. This is laughable.
Pick: Pats -13
Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans (-7)
Am I crazy or are the lines this year 10x higher than they normally are? This feels like it should be Texans -4.5. But I guess the Raiders are back to being bad again so it makes sense. I hate trusting the Texans, which is why I love picking them. Trust me, it makes sense.
Pick: Texans -7
Green Bay Packers (-4) at Kansas City Chiefs
No Mahomes, next.
Pick: Packers -4
Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)
It’s time for my much-anticipated MTG-NFL crossover. We have to start with Bill Belichick. He’s the most obvious blue-black player I’ver ever seen. He’s so committed, I wouldn’t be surprised if he founded House Dimir. He’s just dying to counter everything you do, preferably milling you to death in the process. I think Brady might be blue-white, maybe red-white? Actually blue-white, I could see him- wait, what’s that? No one cares or gets it? Oh, okay. Guess I’ll table this again.
Pick: Steelers -14