NFL Week 12 Picks

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This is a day late, yes. You want to fight about it? I didn’t think so. I’ll be honest, Colts-Texans was so exciting I passed out for an entire day. Just knocked me right out. My brain couldn’t live with the new information it learned Thursday night; that information being that both these teams are somehow destined to lose in the Saturday afternoon Wild Card game. The AFC shouldn’t even have playoffs, it should just be Pats-Ravens in the AFC Championship Game. “B-but what about the Chiefs?” Shut up. Chiefs stink, too. Every team stinks, which is just what the NFL wants.

Mixed bag this week, some really, really good games, some really, really bad ones. For those of you without access to calendars, Thanksgiving is next week, which means we’re getting dangerously close to Playoff Scenario Graphics. Cherish this moment, it’s the best time of year.

All lines from Bovada.

Seattle Seahawks at Philadelphia Eagles (-1)

Am I missing something, here? The Seahawks are good and the Eagles are eh. Just about the only thing in the Birds’ favor is that Seattle is a west coast team coming east for a one o’clock game. Eagles’ season is on the line for the thousandth time this season, it’s time to put them down for good.

Pick: Seahawks +1

New York Giants at Chicago Bears (-6)

Puke city. There’s zero chance the Bears still play for Matt Nagy, right? That team wants nothing more than to quit on their dickhead coach. Giants win despite their best interests.

Pick: Giants +6

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-10)

Do people realize that Mike Thomas is currently on pace to break the single-season record for receptions? Because he is. I’ve established my love of massive reception totals with minimal yardage, but Michael racks up absurd yardage along with his one-yard quick screens and isn’t particularly fast, quick, or athletic. It’s breaking my brain, but I embrace it. This game is a showcase of Mike Furrey All-Stars, with Mike, Kamara, and CMC all likely to get 10+ catches for under 100 yards, which, if the planets align, will protect my browsers from porn for the foreseeable future. I can’t figure either one of these teams out, but I know that Kyle Allen STINKS and that he’s not going into the Dome and winning.

Pick: Saints -10

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) at Cincinnati Bengals

Distraction-free week for the Steelers, just what you want when facing such an inferior opponent. Just focus on the task at hand, no outside talk about various controversies, onfield or otherwise. What happened last week? I sustained head trauma after an opponent bopped me on the noggin with a helmet and I’m having trouble remembering. I certainly remember how bad the Bengals are, though.

Pick: Steelers -7

Detroit Lions (-3.5) at Washington Redskins

Now that we’re in #YearEndSalesEventSZN, it’s time someone asks the question- has anyone ever actually gotten a car for Christmas? Do they even manufacture bows big enough to put on the roofs? If you woke up on Christmas morning and didn’t have any presents under the tree, wouldn’t you be a little pissed? And then your idiot husband is like “Hey, look, honey, I bought you a new car!” “Dang, Carl, thanks! What’d you do with the old one?” “Well, I sold it and all our other possessions so I could afford to buy this new car upfront since I didn’t find their financing options attractive enough.” “Sick.” What a terrible and impractical gift to give someone. If I got a car for Christmas, I feel like the whole time during the maiden voyage (which someone else technically did, because how else would it have gotten to you?) I’d just be thinking about how much I would have rather just gotten a new sweatshirt or something.

Pick: Lions -3.5

Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons (-4)

I know the Falcons are back and the Bucs are the opposite of back, but I’ll never take the Falcons. Not after I watched them blow a 28-3 lead in the third quarter of the Super Bowl against the New England Patriots.

Pick: Bucs +4

Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns (-10.5)

This can go one of two ways for the Browns: they can rally behind the loss of their best player, come together, and salvage the season by going on a surprise win streak. Or, they can, you know, be the Browns and lose to the Dolphins.

Pick: Dolphins +10.5

Oakland Raiders (-3) at New York Jets

I know I spat in the face of the rule ten seconds ago, but never pick a west coast team coming east for an early game. Especially not when the Jets are hot and have a Run The Table guarantee in play.

Pick: Jets +3

Denver Broncos at Buffalo Bills (-4)

I don’t know, man. Let me know how this one ends.

Pick: Broncos +4

Jacksonville Jaguars at Tenessee Titans (-3.5)

There are diehard Jags and Titans fans out there. Legitimately. Imagine being one of those people. Imagine convincing yourself that either of these teams will be anything other than an irrelevant also-ran. Like, imagine being the Titans fan that’s like, “yeah, this is the year we’re gonna beat the Patriots and go all the way!” I can’t. I can’t imagine living such a pathetic life, and my life is about as pathetic as it gets. You can keep this game if it’s not Color Rush.

Pick: Titans -3.5

Dallas Cowboys at New England Patriots (-6.5)

I’m so secretly-not-that-confident about this game that I couldn’t be more confident. The Cowboys are a different animal obviously, but the last time the Pats faced an actually good offense it went… not great. Cowboys can rush the passer and theoretically run the ball down their gullet. But, like, come on. Have you watched Zeke this year? He stinks. I’ll bet my life that 1,000-year-old Randall Cobb and Mike Gallup don’t do anything too crazy. Pats can’t block anyone, but they haven’t blocked anyone all year and are 9-1. It’s Jason Garret vs. Bill Belichick. I really should have just said that and saved myself an entire pointless paragraph.

Pick: Pats -6.5

Green Bay Packers at San Fransisco 49ers (-3)

I know I’m obviously making it up, but I feel like they already played this year. Maybe I’m just caught up in the NFL 100 festivities and am just seeing old Packers and Niners highlights wherever I look. I’m seeing T.O., Dorsey Levins for some reason, another guy whose name I’m forgetting but he had 181 yards rushing while also throwing for 263 yards in the same playoff game. Classic helmet matchup; just feels like January. I tell you what, though, I’m stumped. Jimmy G’s been dying to cost them a game or two with a backbreaking pick late in the fourth quarter. Aaron Rodgers is dying to throw a tantrum on his team after they cost him a game late in the fourth quarter. Niners are better, so might as well just pick them.

Pick: Niners -3

Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) at Los Angeles Rams

Pats murdered the Rams, who are now in one of the more hopeless cap situations in the NFL. They’re about to get steamrolled.

Pick: Ravens -3.5

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