NFL Picks Week 13

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Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I know I did, dutifully watching three pretty bad games while not being in physical proximity to my family. Alas, such is the price I pay for my lavish big city lifestyle. At least I was able to avoid questions about why I’m still single and don’t have any kind of career to speak of. Unfortunately, I can’t run from this week’s terrible slate of games, salvaged only by Niners-Ravens and a possibly decent Sunday night-Monday night combo. Really wish they put the Ravens at 4:25, but oh, well, I guess. We got Jets-Bengals to look forward to.

All lines from Bovada.

Green Bay Packers (-7) at New York Giants

Here’s something I’m thankful for: despite being miles away from my family on Thanksgiving, I know I was closer to mine than Aaron Rodgers is to his. Giants stink so they’ll get an easy win, but I wouldn’t feel too happy about this team if I was a cheesehead. Feels like an early playoff exit. What else is new for Rodgers, who fewer and fewer people are calling the GOAT these days?

Pick: Packers -7

San Fransisco 49ers at Baltimore Ravens (-6)

Hell yes. The Niners are in the middle of an absurd stretch of games against really, really good teams, and getting out completely unscathed is a little unrealistic. Packers last week, now Ravens, Saints next week, then Seahawks in week 17 (Rams no longer count as competition). West coast team coming east for a 1 o’clock game plus Lamar being completely on fire means this is the one they drop. No shame, but they’d better win the rest of their games if they don’t want to get slapped in the face with a Wild Card appearance.

Pick: Ravens -6

Philadelphia Eagles (-10) at Miami Dolphins

This is a sad, sad game that no one needs to watch.

Pick: Dolphins +10

Cleveland Browns (-2.5) at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Mason Rudolph revenge game that won’t feature Mason Rudolph, sweet! Did you know Myles Garrett hit him over the head with his own helmet a few weeks ago? If, for some reason, you watch more than three seconds of this game, you’ll be seeing the clip at least forty-five times, so don’t worry if you’re a little lost. Browns are in the middle of a classic “we finished the year hot but missed the playoffs, so let’s get the hype going for next year!” run, which is exactly what they did last year. And probably next year, and the year after that. Browns big.

Pick: Browns -2.5

Tennessee Titans at Indianapolis Colts (-2.5)

I don’t care that the Titans are back, I don’t care that Ryan Tannehill is taking the next step not playing terribly, and I definitely don’t care that Derrick Henry is doing his annual routine of becoming the best running back in the league the last six weeks of the season. Titans just don’t beat the Colts. Ever.

Pick: Colts -2.5

Washington Redskins at Carolina Panthers (-10)

Yuck. Redskins predictably can’t even tank right. What are they doing winning games? Do they want Chase Young or not?

Pick: Panthers -10

New York Jets (-3.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

I’m addicted to this Jets run. They’re so good now! Completely out of nowhere. That’s the power of a run the table guarantee when used correctly (i.e., when you play all the terrible teams on your schedule). I don’t see why the Jets can’t win out. You know, besides the fact that they’re the Jets.

Pick: Jets -3.5

Tampa Bay Bucs (-1.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I’ll tell you something- Jags SSSSSSSSSSSTTTTIIIINNNNNKKKKKKKKKK. They’re horrible and they quit three months ago. Can’t wait to watch Jameis put up 408 yards with 3 TDs and 2 INTs. Either Chris Godwin or Mike Evans will have 200+ yards receiving, and honestly, it might be both.

Pick: Bucs -1.5

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

Rams are such a disgrace. I understand losing to the Patriots in a Super Bowl kills morale. Happened to the Falcons, happened to the Seahawks, will happen to whatever NFC team makes it this year. But to fall apart so completely one year after reinventing the NFL and getting a thousand new coaches hired simply because they knew Sean McVay like this is embarrassing. Have some pride. Stop sucking so much. Be less boring. Guarantee they lose again this week, even though I kind of forgot the Cardinals existed during their bye.

Pick: Cardinals +3

Los Angeles Chargers (-3) at Denver Broncos

It’s time to talk about what’s actually important- Thanksgiving leftovers. There’s a growing swath of anti-turkey rhetoric online these days, but, if you ask me, it’s just typically anti-traditionalism for its own sake. Because if you remove turkey from the equation, you remove the best part (by far) of Thanksgiving leftovers. The post-TG turkey sandwich is what God had in mind when he created food. The turkey tastes 10,000,000 times better day two or three or four (if you’re lucky, day five and six). The mashed potatoes are probably the most versatile leftover in that simply heating them up isn’t the only available option. You can fry them up in little patties, maybe bake them in little patties, if you’re feeling adventurous you can use them as a spread for your sandwich, or simply heat them up with some gravy. Pretty much everything you just kind of have to eat them as-is unless you get really creative. So ends the discussion.

Pick: Broncos +3

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-10)

You’re telling me Andy Reid is gonna lose coming off a bye the same week his appearance on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives aired? Please. Chiefs by a zillion.

Pick: Chiefs -10

New England Patriots (-3.5) at Houston Texans

The Texans could beat the Pats five thousand consecutive times and I would never be worried about them.

Pick: Pats -3.5

Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (-3)

If, for some reason, I was in charge of making the lines, I probably would have made it Seahawks -4.5, so I’ll take the 3. Kirk Cousins already won a “big” game in primetime earlier this year. It won’t happen again.

Pick: Seahawks -3

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