I would give my life for Sylvester Stallone.
I would give my life for Sylvester Stallone.
Folks, I am not having fun right now. Just thought you all should know
(This is technically being written in Brian’s Den 2.0 but don’t think for a second this is the blog that kicks off Brian’s Den 2.0)
Folks, it’s official: the Brian’s Den is on the move. The new permanent location (until I run out of money)? New York, New York. The City that Never Sleeps. The Big Apple. Everyone who’s anyone lives in either New York or Los Angeles, and I can’t afford to move across the country, so here we are. The Brian’s Den is about to be in the media hub of the world, which can only lead to one thing: global takeover.
So why now? Well, my lease is up April 1st. After living in Vermont and Connecticut for the first 26 years of my life, I’ve had my fill of quiet, sleepy towns and I’m ready for a change. It’s probably not too hard to figure out if you read my posts, but I don’t live a particularly “happy” or “fulfilled” life. Will moving to New York help me change that? Yes and no. Yes because there are so many more opportunities to spread my wings and actually do something I want to do for a living, no because New York is a terrible place to live. But I’ll take the good with the bad, for now.
What do I actually plan to do? I’m glad you asked. Not many people know this, but I had a whole scheme planned out in college. I would write a book, the book would become a best seller, I’d write the movie adaptation, convince the studio to let an untrained nobody to star in said movie, and I’d become a star. I actually believed this would happen. So I wrote the book, only it never got published. Dream shattered. Next thing I know, it’s four years later and I’m a miserable slacker who’s got nothing to point at and say, “yeah, that’s something I accomplished.” So, when my roommates and I decided not to renew our lease, I decided I was through wallowing in self pity. Writing and story telling are literally my only skills in life, so I got to work on a script. Then another script. Then another. After four years of being away from the creative writing process I had forgotten that, even though it sucks thinking of stuff and actually typing it all out and having writer’s block and getting up the nerve to ask people to read it, I actually enjoyed it. I realized doing it for a living would be the only way I would ever be happy. So I’m gonna go for it. I’ve put most of my time into a show I’d like to get made. Will it happen? Probably not. But I’m counting on the fact that the strength of that script and some other ones in my portfolio will be enough to get me a job on some established show, or some production company, or literally any job at all. It also might blow up in my face and I’ll end up panhandling on the street within two months. But, much like Papa Roach, at least I could say I tried. Plus, being in New York would give me tons of good #content, and, hopefully, give me some chances to start make videos again.
Listen, I’m 26. That’s ancient to be breaking into the entertainment industry. I look younger than I really am so I can lie about my age, but the fact remains that time was running out for me to even think about trying this. I’ve lived with various regrets all my life, and I don’t think I can last another 50 years with the thought that I wasted my true calling because I was too lazy to do anything about it hanging over me. Is it a risk? Sure. But it’s a calculated one. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could be successful. I mean, I see some of the crap the put on TV these days like Young Sheldon, or a Roseanne remake no one wanted, or the new CBS show about a magician solving crimes and I know for a fact I can do better than that. It’s just a matter of getting lucky at the right time. Is the acting itch still there? Of course it is. I’d like to meet the person that’s never wanted to be a movie star just so I can call them a liar. But that won’t be what I focus on. Maybe I’ll try and get an audition here and there, but I’ve been beaten down by the world the last few years. I’ve got an unhealthy amount of self awareness. I know I’ve got at least a small amount of talent but no training or experience besides when I was dicking around in college, so if two or three different people tell me I’m terrible I can walk out with my head held high because I actually put myself out there, which is more than most people can say. But, again, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could succeed. Will it happen instantly? I hope so but probably not. Will money be tight and life be miserable at first? Yep. But that’s a small price to pay if I can actually wake up in the morning with some kind of purpose. Besides delivering powerful takes, of course.
For anyone concerned with where I’ll live and if it’ll be a safe neighborhood, don’t worry. I’ve got that covered.
What a day. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the crisp winter air is refreshing, and the snow is mostly melted and not a disgusting slushy hellscape. I’m feeling good and flying high. After all, I’m coming off a great weekend. Absolutely nothing went wrong! Everything went my way, right down to the fact that the huge amount of pizza I ordered to comfort my weeping soul celebrate was late. Can’t get much better.
Anyway, I think it’s time I find a new place to live. Preferably one in complete isolation where no one can bother me and no one knows what a strip sack is. Luckily, the cave market is really buyer friendly right now, so I’ve been going through some of the more appealing options. Here’s a few of the good ones:
What’s the biggest credo among real estate agents? “Location, location, location.” Well, this quaint beachfront property is all about location. Look at that view! Talk about a relaxing escape. Perfect for forgetting about the failures of your football team. Also perfect to get washed away in a high tide. Unfortunately, I’m not that depressed, so being able to avoid drowning is a big plus for me. Plus, since it’s right on the beach, you never know who can just show up at your cave. Part of being a good hermit is the ability to avoid people at all costs. For these two reasons, I’m out.
A cave in the middle of the desert, what’s not to like? No neighbors, no cold, no life in any direction. Well, except the rattlesnakes. And the scorpions. And whatever genies live deep within the bowels of this cavern. I don’t know much in this world, but I do know cursed deserts are real and very mysterious. You ever played Uncharted 3? Yeah, then you know. I’m not looking to get lost for all eternity or anger a dark spirit of the sands or have to fight the Scorpion King. No thanks.
Another intriguing option, this ice cave is in the perfect neighborhood to avoid human contact. People hate the cold, so why would they come here? I’m from Vermont, so as much as I’ll complain about it, cold is in my blood. I thrive in cold. Plus, in every ice cave there’s a 50% of finding either Articuno or the Fortress of Solitude. You also have a 50% of falling into an icy crevasse never to be seen again. Plus, there’s not a lot of food or shelter in an ice cave. Probably can’t go to the store and get a couple boxes of Cheez-Its for the weekend if you live in the arctic. Icy tundras are also where the Elder Gods tend to rest, awaiting the planetary alignment that will signal their awakening after ten thousand years of slumber. I don’t want to risk being there when that happens. Think I’m gonna have to pass.
Now we’re getting into the best of the best. This Precambrian era rock formation offers all the comfort of yesteryear with the amenities of today. Being on a mountainside offers natural protection from the elements and bothersome passersby, and offers scenic views of the surrounding area. Good chance there’s some friendly mountain troll neighbors, too. Unfortunately, being hard to get to means that it’ll be hard to get all my stuff there, too. I mean, I don’t really know how long I’ll be in this cave. Books can only last me so long. I need TV, PlayStation, Nintendo Switch, and an internet router. Might be tough to set up so high above sea level.
We’ve almost got a winner. This cave in the middle of the rainforest offers breathtaking views, floral and faunal diversity, and friendly natives who keep everyone else away. Unfortunately for me, those same natives have probably booby-trapped the hell out of this cave. Sure I might find priceless treasures and powerful artifacts, but one wrong step and I’m skewered on a wooden spike or poisoned by a million darts. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that I have zero chance of getting out alive. I’m also not too keen on being shredded alive by a giant predator time forgot or a tribal god seeking human sacrifice.
I think I’ve found the one! Just like the rainforest cave, this little number has great views and great animal neighbors. Unlike the rainforest, this regular forest is peaceful and uninhabited. The only possible drawback is the small chance that this is in a haunted forest. But I can deal with ghosts. I just won’t go out at night and listen to music or white noise or something while I sleep to drown out the cries and moans of the tortured phantoms that share my forest home. You might think that the dense growth of trees may effect wifi strength, which may be true, but I figure it would only be a matter of time until half the trees are cut down to put a cellphone tower near me. There’s really no downside. There’s probably also a highway pretty close by, so once I find out the Internet has moved on from making fun of the Patriots I can rejoin society. Can’t wait to move!