Category: Travel

The McDonald’s Worldwide Menu Might Cause World War III

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Our American customers will have their pick of four craveable and delicious menu items from several of our international menus including:

Stroopwafel McFlurry (The Netherlands): Our creamy vanilla soft serve, mixed with a rich caramel swirl, featuring authentic chopped Dutch Daelmans Stroopwafel caramel waffle cookie pieces. Cookies and soft serve? Yes please.

Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger (Spain): A quarter pound* of 100 percent fresh beef** topped with thick cut Applewood smoked bacon, smoky McBacon Sauce, real Gouda cheese and slivered onions served on a freshly toasted sesame seed bun.

Tomato Mozzarella Chicken Sandwich (Canada): Made with a grilled or crispy all white meat, juicy and tender chicken, the Tomato Mozzarella Chicken Sandwich is topped with tomato & herb sauce, creamy mozzarella cheese, slivered onions, fresh lettuce and sliced Roma tomatoes served on a freshly toasted artisan roll.

Cheesy Bacon Fries (Australia): Look familiar? That’s right, Cheesy Bacon Fries are back! After such a positive customer reaction to Australia’s Cheesy Bacon Fries in the U.S., they’re taking a victory lap. Don’t miss our World Famous Fries topped with real cheddar cheese sauce and chopped Applewood Smoked bacon.

Folks, you all know I’m not one for hyperbole. I keep things “one-hundred,” as the kids like to say. So when I make big proclamations, they come from a level-headed, rational place. McDonald’s just doomed us all by introducing this new Worldwide Favorites menu.

It’s not the menu itself I’m worried about; it’s innocuous enough. A burger with a preposterous name, a pretty standard chicken sandwich, and a new McFlurry aren’t cause for concern (how about McDonald’s trying to pass off cheesy bacon fries as a new international item when they were on the mainline menu like two months ago? Come on, guys). Its what the menu represents. This is likely the end of international trade as we know it.

Let me ask you a question: why do you travel? To experience other cultures, see the sights, escape your current crappy life/weather, yadda yadda. But the real reason is food. You want to go somewhere that has food you can’t get at home. You want new dining experiences that make you rethink how you viewed the world around you. You want to taste the weird menu items McDonald’s has in different countries. You want to go to Spain and get a Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger. You want to go to the Netherlands and get a Stroopwafel McFlurry. But now that McDonald’s has foolishly decided to bring these foreign agents to our shores? Why leave the house again?

The negative effects of this are far-reaching. First, it’s going to murder international McDonald’s sales. Without looking at the actual data, I’d wager that 95% of McDonald’s international profit comes from American tourists. Why would any of them go now that they can get the funky signature item at home? Soon the margins will get so tight that non-American locations will start closing left and right. And once the McDonald’s start closing, the tourism dries up. Why go anywhere without a McDonald’s? There’s no reason to, really. And once the tourism dries up, the other countries get mad that they don’t have any money anymore. What happens then? They band together and create a league of evil bent on getting revenge on the entity that precipitated their downfall: McDonald’s. They start attacking the only locations left standing, all of which are now in America. And, due to the influx of tourists coming to get their erstwhile comfort food, the domestic McDonald’s will have only grown more powerful and expanded to even more locations than there already were. So now there’s a massive army invading America and attacking every town in every state, most of which completely revolve around the local McDonald’s. Our very way of life will cease to exist, all because McDonald’s decided to put a limited time novelty item on the menu. And when the dust settles and only the strong are left in the new apocalypse state? Well, that’s the plot of John Wick 5, friends.

So, in short, McDonald’s has made another shortsighted decision that torpedoes their own exclusivity to appeal to a market that won’t appreciate it. And we’re gonna be the ones paying the bill. A real shame, if you ask me.

The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3

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Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to meundies.com and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.

Starters

G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis

Bench

F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto

Pitchers

  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.

 

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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If you hadn’t heard already, legendary television host, chef, traveller, and author Anthony Bourdain committed suicide this morning at the age of 61. Normally I don’t really cover celebrity deaths unless they actually meant something to me. Anthony Bourdain meant something to me. Meant a lot to me, actually.

It’s a trivial thing, but I played football in high school, and every summer during two-a-days I would find a random show to watch in-between sessions. It helped me decompress and develop a (somewhat) soothing routine that kind of got me through some rough weeks. My sophomore year (first year of double sessions), it was American Chopper. Junior year it was Bizarre Foods. Senior year it was No Reservations. I had seen various promos for No Reservations before, but never actually tuned in. I had seen food shows and travel shows before, why would this be any different? It turns out it was way different than anything I had ever watched. The way he talked, the way he interacted with the environment around him just spoke to me. It felt like it was a real couple days in the life of a traveller, not another heavily scripted reality show.

I was hooked instantly, and, the more I watched No Reservations and Parts Unknown the more I considered Bourdain an idol of mine. I had always loved food and been interested in traveling, but he stoked a desire to experience the world through food that still exists today (even if I’m too poor scared to actually act on it). The way he could naturally bond with everyone around him and his complete openness to try new things were kind of a blueprint for how I, an extreme introvert with the people skills of a paper bag, could theoretically live my life. He made the world seem like a less scary place, and he showed that, regardless of where you live or what language you speak or what food you eat, everyone’s really just looking for the same thing. Which, of course, was the entire point of the show.

And more than anything, he was just so cool. He might have been one of the five coolest guys to ever live. Which just shows what a bear depression really is. I won’t insult people who are really suffering by saying I know exactly how they feel, but I know how hard it is to deal with. It’s not real depression or anything, but I frequently deal with bouts of overwhelming sadness and self-doubt, but since I’m too scared or embarrassed to talk to other people about it, it just kind of festers for a few days. Again, I’ve never been suicidal or felt like there was no way out of the tunnel, but I still sympathize with anyone who feels crushed by the weight of the world. Don’t be like me. If you’re ever feeling low, or trapped, or scared that there’s only one way to end the pain, reach out to someone. There are countless suicide prevention hotlines out there you can call. Or better yet, talk to a friend or family member. Sometimes it’s good to just talk to someone you know. You might think you’re burdening them, but believe me, anyone who cares about you would never think that way. No one should ever feel like there’s no way out.

RIP Anthony Bourdain.

I’m Moving to New York City

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Folks, it’s official: the Brian’s Den is on the move. The new permanent location (until I run out of money)? New York, New York. The City that Never Sleeps. The Big Apple. Everyone who’s anyone lives in either New York or Los Angeles, and I can’t afford to move across the country, so here we are. The Brian’s Den is about to be in the media hub of the world, which can only lead to one thing: global takeover.

So why now? Well, my lease is up April 1st. After living in Vermont and Connecticut for the first 26 years of my life, I’ve had my fill of quiet, sleepy towns and I’m ready for a change. It’s probably not too hard to figure out if you read my posts, but I don’t live a particularly “happy” or “fulfilled” life. Will moving to New York help me change that? Yes and no. Yes because there are so many more opportunities to spread my wings and actually do something I want to do for a living, no because New York is a terrible place to live. But I’ll take the good with the bad, for now.

What do I actually plan to do? I’m glad you asked. Not many people know this, but I had a whole scheme planned out in college. I would write a book, the book would become a best seller, I’d write the movie adaptation, convince the studio to let an untrained nobody to star in said movie, and I’d become a star. I actually believed this would happen. So I wrote the book, only it never got published. Dream shattered. Next thing I know, it’s four years later and I’m a miserable slacker who’s got nothing to point at and say, “yeah, that’s something I accomplished.” So, when my roommates and I decided not to renew our lease, I decided I was through wallowing in self pity. Writing and story telling are literally my only skills in life, so I got to work on a script. Then another script. Then another. After four years of being away from the creative writing process I had forgotten that, even though it sucks thinking of stuff and actually typing it all out and having writer’s block and getting up the nerve to ask people to read it, I actually enjoyed it. I realized doing it for a living would be the only way I would ever be happy. So I’m gonna go for it. I’ve put most of my time into a show I’d like to get made. Will it happen? Probably not. But I’m counting on the fact that the strength of that script and some other ones in my portfolio will be enough to get me a job on some established show, or some production company, or literally any job at all. It also might blow up in my face and I’ll end up panhandling on the street within two months. But, much like Papa Roach, at least I could say I tried. Plus, being in New York would give me tons of good #content, and, hopefully, give me some chances to start make videos again.

Listen, I’m 26. That’s ancient to be breaking into the entertainment industry. I look younger than I really am so I can lie about my age, but the fact remains that time was running out for me to even think about trying this. I’ve lived with various regrets all my life, and I don’t think I can last another 50 years with the thought that I wasted my true calling because I was too lazy to do anything about it hanging over me. Is it a risk? Sure. But it’s a calculated one. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could be successful. I mean, I see some of the crap the put on TV these days like Young Sheldon, or a Roseanne remake no one wanted, or the new CBS show about a magician solving crimes and I know for a fact I can do better than that. It’s just a matter of getting lucky at the right time. Is the acting itch still there? Of course it is. I’d like to meet the person that’s never wanted to be a movie star just so I can call them a liar. But that won’t be what I focus on. Maybe I’ll try and get an audition here and there, but I’ve been beaten down by the world the last few years. I’ve got an unhealthy amount of self awareness. I know I’ve got at least a small amount of talent but no training or experience besides when I was dicking around in college, so if two or three different people tell me I’m terrible I can walk out with my head held high because I actually put myself out there, which is more than most people can say. But, again, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I could succeed. Will it happen instantly? I hope so but probably not. Will money be tight and life be miserable at first? Yep. But that’s a small price to pay if I can actually wake up in the morning with some kind of purpose. Besides delivering powerful takes, of course.

For anyone concerned with where I’ll live and if it’ll be a safe neighborhood, don’t worry. I’ve got that covered.

What a Beautiful Day!

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So serene

What a day. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the crisp winter air is refreshing, and the snow is mostly melted and not a disgusting slushy hellscape. I’m feeling good and flying high. After all, I’m coming off a great weekend. Absolutely nothing went wrong! Everything went my way, right down to the fact that the huge amount of pizza I ordered to comfort my weeping soul celebrate was late. Can’t get much better.

Anyway, I think it’s time I find a new place to live. Preferably one in complete isolation where no one can bother me and no one knows what a strip sack is. Luckily, the cave market is really buyer friendly right now, so I’ve been going through some of the more appealing options. Here’s a few of the good ones:

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What’s the biggest credo among real estate agents? “Location, location, location.” Well, this quaint beachfront property is all about location. Look at that view! Talk about a relaxing escape. Perfect for forgetting about the failures of your football team. Also perfect to get washed away in a high tide. Unfortunately, I’m not that depressed, so being able to avoid drowning is a big plus for me. Plus, since it’s right on the beach, you never know who can just show up at your cave. Part of being a good hermit is the ability to avoid people at all costs. For these two reasons, I’m out.

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A cave in the middle of the desert, what’s not to like? No neighbors, no cold, no life in any direction. Well, except the rattlesnakes. And the scorpions. And whatever genies live deep within the bowels of this cavern. I don’t know much in this world, but I do know cursed deserts are real and very mysterious. You ever played Uncharted 3? Yeah, then you know. I’m not looking to get lost for all eternity or anger a dark spirit of the sands or have to fight the Scorpion King. No thanks.

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Another intriguing option, this ice cave is in the perfect neighborhood to avoid human contact. People hate the cold, so why would they come here? I’m from Vermont, so as much as I’ll complain about it, cold is in my blood. I thrive in cold. Plus, in every ice cave there’s a 50% of finding either Articuno or the Fortress of Solitude. You also have a 50% of falling into an icy crevasse never to be seen again. Plus, there’s not a lot of food or shelter in an ice cave. Probably can’t go to the store and get a couple boxes of Cheez-Its for the weekend if you live in the arctic. Icy tundras are also where the Elder Gods tend to rest, awaiting the planetary alignment that will signal their awakening after ten thousand years of slumber. I don’t want to risk being there when that happens. Think I’m gonna have to pass.

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Now we’re getting into the best of the best. This Precambrian era rock formation offers all the comfort of yesteryear with the amenities of today. Being on a mountainside offers natural protection from the elements and bothersome passersby, and offers scenic views of the surrounding area. Good chance there’s some friendly mountain troll neighbors, too. Unfortunately, being hard to get to means that it’ll be hard to get all my stuff there, too. I mean, I don’t really know how long I’ll be in this cave. Books can only last me so long. I need TV, PlayStation, Nintendo Switch, and an internet router. Might be tough to set up so high above sea level.

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We’ve almost got a winner. This cave in the middle of the rainforest offers breathtaking views, floral and faunal diversity, and friendly natives who keep everyone else away. Unfortunately for me, those same natives have probably booby-trapped the hell out of this cave. Sure I might find priceless treasures and powerful artifacts, but one wrong step and I’m skewered on a wooden spike or poisoned by a million darts. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that I have zero chance of getting out alive. I’m also not too keen on being shredded alive by a giant predator time forgot or a tribal god seeking human sacrifice.

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I think I’ve found the one! Just like the rainforest cave, this little number has great views and great animal neighbors. Unlike the rainforest, this regular forest is peaceful and uninhabited. The only possible drawback is the small chance that this is in a haunted forest. But I can deal with ghosts. I just won’t go out at night and listen to music or white noise or something while I sleep to drown out the cries and moans of the tortured phantoms that share my forest home. You might think that the dense growth of trees may effect wifi strength, which may be true, but I figure it would only be a matter of time until half the trees are cut down to put a cellphone tower near me. There’s really no downside. There’s probably also a highway pretty close by, so once I find out the Internet has moved on from making fun of the Patriots I can rejoin society. Can’t wait to move!

I am Upset and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

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I’m typically a pretty level-headed person. As all of you know, I try to stay measured and don’t commit too far one way or the other. I go with the flow. I don’t let the little things bother me. I block out all the really annoying things people do so that it doesn’t completely consume my life and fill me with a never-ending rage. But, lately, the offenses have begun to mount. I have been faced with countless indiscretions in the span of like, two weeks, and it’s too much to ignore. I need to vent. I need to rant. I need the offenders to feel shame equal to the amount of anger they caused. What are all these mysterious problems? Well, I’m glad you asked.

  • I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not. I feel like I probably have. But why do people put bread in the fridge? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would you put something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated in a refrigerator? Why would you want cold bread all the time? Why did anyone do this when refrigerators were invented, and why did those same people pass the practice down to their progeny? Why why why? I went to my friend’s house and needed to put something in the fridge, but there was no room because there was a big loaf of bread in there. I started questioning the entire friendship. Bread doesn’t go in the fridge. It’s pretty simple stuff. If you put bread in the fridge, you deserve to eat moldy bread for the rest of your life.
  • So I’m on a seemingly never ending quest right now. Around the middle of July, it was announced that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was releasing a new frozen delicacy, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites: 2fbca93aba6d96ee_cinnamon_toast_crunch_bitesThose of you who follow my Instagram account know that I primarily just reviews for all the new releases in junk and fast food I can get my hands on, and these things are easily my most personally anticipated item ever. I don’t even really need to do a review because I know they’re going to be a 10 out of 10. But, as you can tell, I don’t have them yet. Every press release has stated that they’d be out by the end of the month. Well, July ended, and no Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites have been seen. Believe me, I’ve looked. I’ve pretty much been to the grocery store every day for the last ten days or so, and every time I’ve been empty handed. But that’s not what I’m really upset about, though. Spending all that time in grocery stores has made me think back to my Grocery Store Rules and realize how often people violate them. Old ladies put their carts in the dead center of every aisle, go 2 miles per hour, and stop and random times in front of the thing you need. Old people jamming up the express checkout by taking too many thing with them. Old people jamming up the self-checkout because they don’t know how to use them. Old people in general not understanding how to conduct themselves in a grocery store, really. But one thing really took the cake. One incident that is forever seared into my subconscious. One memory that will probably take multiple years off my life, because I’m shaking with fury just thinking about it. This goddamn old man was walking around with a cup of soup he hadn’t paid for yet and sipping it. He had a spoon in his hand but he was still drinking it like it was a glass of lemonade. I couldn’t really fathom what I was watching at first. How could anyone behave this way? How could he think this was okay? He had a family with him. He kept straying away and asking literally every single employee he saw some stupid question, but he had a family. How did they let it happen. I’m not sure you understand yet: HE HAD A SPOON IN HIS HAND AND WAS STILL DRINKING HIS SOUP! WHY?????? It wasn’t tomato soup or anything, he had to chew! Why was he drinking it? I really almost killed him. I was this close to strangling him. Or taking the rest of the vat of soup he drew from and pouring it on his head. HE HADN’T EVEN PAID FOR THE SOUP YET! I feel like this is something only I care about, but you don’t eat something before you buy it. I bet he just threw the cup out and got some free soup, because clearly if he cares so little for etiquette and the well being of others that he’s sipping on some soup while walking around a grocery store, odds are he’s not too concerned about paying up, either. It’s clearly time for this old timer to be put out to pasture, but that’s not enough. Not for this crime. His possessions need to be seized. His life’s work erased. His family name needs to be wiped from the annals of history. Everything he’s ever loved needs to be destroyed in front of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice about doing something really annoying in a grocery store.
  • If you thought that was all the adversity I’ve had to face lately, you’d be wrong. In the process of going to Saratoga this weekend, I had to do a lot of driving. And I kept running into people who were going like 60 in the left lane. Why does anyone think it’s okay to do this? If you don’t feel like driving fast, don’t be in the left lane. That’s literally the entire point of having multiple lanes. Honestly, when there’s two lanes and the guy in the right lane is going 66 and the guy in the left lane is going 67, but I’m going 75 what am I supposed to do? Slow down? My travel plans shouldn’t be dictated by cowards who are too afraid to commit one way or another. If you want to go at a more leisurely pace, stay in the right lane. It can’t possibly get any simpler. I hate the highway. I want to get my highway experience over and done with as fast as possible. Don’t be the tough guy who thinks that making other people slow down will make up for the fact that you were picked on in high school. You don’t need to go fast. If you like the highway experience and want to savor it, more power to you. But don’t force me to spend any more time on it than I have to.
  • Now that I’m thinking about cars, this isn’t really a recent thing but people still do it on my street all the time. How can you look yourself in the mirror every morning if you knew you parked you car facing the wrong direction on a street? It’s really not that hard. I see this stuff all the time: This was literally taken two seconds ago outside my house. My street is not, I repeat, IS NOT a one way street. See anything wrong here? Maybe look at the pickup truck, for starters. And it’s every day with this asshole. He has literally never noticed that all the cars parked on his side of the street face the other way. I can’t understand it. Am I the only person with enough awareness of my surroundings to ever pick up on the fact that maybe, just maybe, what I’m doing is wrong? That maybe other people might get annoyed with my extreme ignorance? I guess that’s just my cross to bear.
  • There needs to be some kind of legal ramifications for mowing the lawn/weed whacking outside the hours of 12pm-7pm. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

End of rants. I feel better now. I needed to get all of that off my chest. It just boggles my mind how people can be so oblivious sometimes all the time. Maybe martial law wouldn’t be the worst thing, after all.

I’m back Home

After a very long weekend, I have finally returned from my trip to Denver. I know many people been eagerly awaiting me to return to steadily churning out must-read material, and to them I say fear not. I’m back to guide you through this dark hell we call life.

Obviously the first thing on everyone’s mind is my experience at the airport. Did I discover the Illuminati’s dastardly plot? Did I blow the cover off the New World Order’s machinations? Did I find the underground concentration camps? What did I eat there? Well, you didn’t really think I’d bury the lede like that, did you? If you want the full story, you’ll just have to wait. They call that a tease in the industry.

I did spend some time outside the airport, though. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently marijuana is legal there. You’d never know because absolutely no one talks about it or advertises it, but it is! (I know what you’re thinking, and no, I did not over indulge myself by smoking the weed all day. I was on a journalistic mission and needed to maintain a clear head) Apparently the people there have been smoking too much pot and destroyed whatever ozone they had left, because the sun was beating down non-stop. It’s like clouds no longer existed. I mean, look at this tan I picked up:


NBA Draft is in a few days, and yes, I am eligible. Don’t be surprised to see my name called at the end of the first round. But yeah, it was hot. And the air was so darn thin. I was out of breath after walking two feet. I had to keep chugging water just to stay upright. Brutal! Who decided to live so high up, anyway? Talk about impractical. Why make a city a mile up? How’d the first people even get all their stuff up there? After gasping for air for a week or so, why’d they stay. If this all sounds like I’m complaining about a beautiful city I willingly travelled to, that’s because I am. They couldn’t put it anywhere else?

Obviously, food is an important part of any trip I go on, and Denver had plenty of good stuff. Literally everything there is smothered in green chile sauce. There’s green chile pizza, green chile burgers, green chile beer. We got sushi one night and even that came with green chile sauce. My favorite place came recommended by the Gatekeeper of Flavortown, Guy Fieri. Sam’s No. 3, an eclectic diner in LoDo (Lower Downtown for all you non-Denver natives) with some bomb green chile sauce. They pour it over some dynamite burritos, and the resulting meal is seriously out of bounds. I don’t know if Denver wants to be Seattle or if Seattle wants to be Denver more, but there was predictably some good craft breweries and food trucks everywhere you look. Some of the  trucks had some pretty crazy stuff. I mean, who puts chicken and waffles on a pizza? Talk about wacky! Only in Denver, am I right? And who can leave the Rocky Mountains without trying rocky mountain oysters? Not me, that’s for sure.

Speaking of Coors Field, the day we went doubled as Meet the Players day. All the fans formed a ring around the field, and the Rockies players and coaches walked along the interior, greeting fans and stopping for pictures. It was a wonderful experience, taking tickets and time away from actual Rockies fans who would have enjoyed this more than an outsider like me. Nonetheless, I got up close and personal with some of Colorado’s best players.

 

 

My friend Charlie Blackmon

 

50-year-old Vinny Castilla

 

Some guy

 It was the thrill of a lifetime, visiting my favorite baseball stadium named after beer. And what a great game we saw, too. It was a pitcher’s duel, not the typical Coors Field 10-9 slugfest. Needless to say, a low scoring game is exactly what I wanted to see!

Before I knew it, it was time to go home. Yeah, I did some other stuff, but you’ll see it one day. It’s good to be back. Will I ever return? Most likely. But, the Brian’s Den Bank is pretty drained at the moment. I’m always open to donations, though. I’ll gladly travel anywhere and give rave reviews about it if I’m paid by someone. Anyway, it was a good trip, and I’ll be presenting my airport findings ASAP.

Tomorrow’s the Day…. the Illuminati better be shaking in their boots

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Those of you with long memories will remember I mentioned a trip I was going on in the Spring. That I was going to Colorado to expose the mysteries of the Denver International Airport. Well, that time is nigh. Tomorrow morning, I’ll depart from the Brian’s Den and take the show on the road. Normally, I’d keep this quiet so that I could surprise my opponents and put them on the defensive. Well, I wanted to keep things sporting. The Powers that Be in Denver officially have 24 hours to prepare for my arrival. I’ll be ready for anything They throw at me. Flight delays. Random searches. Lost luggage. Closing every Cinnabon in the airport. I know They’ll try everything possible to get under my skin. Well, it won’t work. I’m a bulldog of a journalist. Once I get a story’s scent, nothing can shake me off of it. No matter how many times They try to knock me down, I’ll just keep getting right back up. I’m going to bring this place to its knees. I hope They’re ready.

 

For all non-conspiracy updates, follow my Instagram @briansden69 and my snapchat @briancurran11

The Fact that Cleveland thinks it gets a nickname gets me all Fired Up

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As is usually the case, during the eon-long downtime in between NBA Finals games (which, as LeBron James will tell you, are just basketball games. They aren’t the end of the world. When he wakes up tomorrow, he’ll still have more money and fame than you’ll ever have. But, no, he’s not bitter that someone out-Super Teamed him), we’ve been pelted with teasers and previews for Wednesday night’s game 3. And, as the game is being played in Cleveland, they keep repeating the now-tired phrase “Defend The Land.” The Land meaning Cleveland. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a particularly new nickname. Unsurprisingly, LeBron created it in an effort so seem cool to all his friends in hip hop. It makes sense, too. You can’t spell Cleveland without Land. You can certainly see where people are coming from when they say it. But take a second to really think about it.

The Land. How much land is there in the world? A lot, right? So, something that called The Land must be pretty important, right? Maybe some kind of mystical, sacred ground that ancient people travelled to for worship. Or a booming economic or cultural center that dictates trends throughout the world. Or, at the very least, it has to have some kind of political importance. It has to be something, right? Nope, it’s Cleveland. The arrogance of LeBron to think that anyone outside the state of Ohio thinks of Cleveland as anything but a giant dump. I’ve been to Cleveland, so I’m speaking from experience here: Cleveland sucks. Everything about it is bad. The food stinks. The city is ugly. It’s always so hazy. Their sports teams outside the Cavs are horrible, and since there’s nothing else to do in town, the people are so beaten down and defensive about everything. In fact, the nickname The Land is the perfect snapshot of the people of Cleveland: they have such an inferiority complex they latch on to anything that shows it’s “us-against-the-world” and makes anyone outside the 216 area code notice them and acknowledge that they even exist. Cleveland is nothing. Cleveland is irrelevant. Cleveland isn’t The Land. You can’t Defend it. There’s nothing to defend! What, are people going to steal the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame? Not that! What culture does Cleveland have? What contributions has Cleveland ever made to America? LeBron and Drew Carey? Is that it? And you want to call that place The Land? Why? Not every city gets a nickname. What if, in an alternate reality, I was famous enough to create nicknames and I called my hometown of Rutland, Vermont The Land? Or The City? Or if I called Vermont The State? I hope would get mocked endlessly. You can’t just give something of such little importance a nickname like The Land. I don’t know what place in the world most deserves to be called The Land, but I know for a fact it isn’t a sad-sack place like Cleveland. I pray to God that the good people of Cleveland read this and make me public enemy number one, because that would mean I never have to go there again. Hey, Cleveland, you aren’t The Land, you’re The Dump. Boom, roasted. Rant over.

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