NFL Week 14 Picks

matt_ryan_saints

After yet another Thursday night game filled with injuries, I think it’s fair to ask: has Color Rush killed football? I know it’s sacrilege to suggest, but, as far as I know, no one has gotten hurt on a Sunday or Monday the whole season. Every single concussion and injury has happened on Thursday night. I guess the players just aren’t as tough as they used to be. In olden times, players could handle wearing Color Rush jerseys. They didn’t let the explosion of color trick their brains into thinking it was “concussed.” Such a shame how far this league has fallen. Used to be filled with proud men who could handle Color Rush. Now we’re just left with boys who’ve never worn an alternate jersey before in their life. SMH, man. SMH.

(Side note: Matt Ryan’s MVP just keeps getting funnier every week. Brady has one of the best seasons of all time, but since he does every year and people are tired of him they give it to someone else. Turns out Matt Ryan absolutely SUCKS, but as long as it’s not Brady, right? Can’t wait for Carson Wentz to win this year. When we look back on Brady’s career when he retires in 15 years, the fact that he only won 2 MVPs will be the most egregious error in sports history.)

Dallas Cowboys (-4) at New York Giants

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Giants are about to go on a late season winning streak now that they’re freed from the shackles of Ben McAdoo and totally screw themselves out of a good draft pick because football is dumb.

Pick: Giants +4

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

If I know the NFL like I think I do, I’d wager the Packers win this and somehow stay alive until Aaron Rodgers comes back and leads them to the NFC Championship Game.

Pick: Packers -3.5

San Francisco 49ers at Houston Texans (-3)

This game will finally answer the age old question: Who has better backups, Brady or Belichick? One of the most underrated part of the Pats run of dominance is how terrible every assistant becomes when they leave Bill’s warm embrace. Can he make anyone look like a good coach? Would Ben McAdoo look competent if he was under Belichick? Would Dan Quinn? Is there anyone stupid enough to hinder Belichick’s genius? Based on what we’ve seen from Bill O’Brien, I’m leaning no.

Pick: 49ers +3

Chicago Bears at Cincinnati Bengals (-6.5)

Not going to lie to you, folks. I have absolutely no interest in watching any of this game. Not saying I won’t watch it, just saying I don’t want to.

Pick: Bears +6.5

Minnesota Vikings (-3) at Carolina Panthers

I want to to close you eyes. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Imagine yourself walking through a field of tall grass. You notice a tall tree nearby and decide to sit underneath. The ground underneath you is pleasantly soft and you let the shade cool you off. You hear birds chirping overhead. You are totally at peace. Suddenly, a bird lands on the ground next to you. Without warning, it squawks, in English for some reason, “Case Keenum is an MVP candidate.” Then you wake up.

Pick: Vikings -3

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

I don’t care how bad the Raiders are, the Chiefs should never be favored again. Like, as long as the franchise still exists, they shouldn’t be favored. What a disgrace they are. Remember when the Chiefs were going to the Super Bowl and the Pats were dead? Good times. Good times.

Pick: Raiders +4

Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Bucs

No line yet because Matt Stafford might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: a full game of Jake Rudock! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bucs I guess

Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills

No line yet because Tyrod Taylor might not play, which opens up the door for something I think we all really want: another game of Nathan Peterman! Legitimately might be the worst game of all time.

Pick: Bills if Tyrod plays, no one if he doesn’t

New York Jets (-1) at Denver Broncos

I’m going to admit something here that I’m not sure I ever would: I kind of love this Jets team. There’s just something about Josh McCown’s no-porn-watching ass that’s just really entertaining. He thrives in chaos. He thrives in the mud. He thrives when the other team has quit. If that doesn’t perfectly describe what this Jets-Broncos game is going to be I don’t know what does.

Pick: Jets -1

Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Chargers (-6)

Imagine if the Chargers actually won one of their first four games? Crazy that they’re clearly the best team in the division and started 0-4. I’m just glad the Redskins are essentially out out it, because when the Skins are irrelevant it’s time to fire up the name debate again. Is it time for the Redskins to distance themselves from Washington? You tell me.

Pick: Chargers -6

Tennessee Titans (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

Are the Titans going to win 11 games this year? Somehow, it’s looking like a yes. I have no idea how they keep winning. They aren’t good at anything. The only thing they’re good at is being less bad than their opponents. That’s all that really matters, I guess.

Pick: Titans -3

Seattle Seahawks at Jacksonville Jaguars (-3)

I really want to say that this is kind of where it all starts to fall apart for the Jags, but just thinking about the Seahawks offensive line coming to Sacksonville has me shaken up and I don’t have a dog in the fight. I know Russell Wilson is impossible to tackle, but not even he can escape four freakishly athletic huge guys at once every single play. First team to 9 wins.

Pick: Jags

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-2)

Whoever loses can’t be a pleasant surprise anymore. Those are the rules. Eagles looked like booty last week offensively. They looked like booty defensively. And now they have to face a better team than they did last week? Especially now that the Rams get to be the Wildfire team? Take the under, but this one might get ugly.

Pick: Rams -2

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5)

I might be breaking some news to you here, but word on the street is that there’s no love lost between these two teams. Shocking, I know. Not only is 4.5 too many points for this rivalry, but I honestly don’t know how the Steelers get up for this game after what happened to Ryan Shazier. Really scary scene that’s going to be ingrained in their minds for a while.

Pick: Ravens +4.5

New England Patriots (-11.5) at Miami Dolphins

It’s honestly offensive to me that the Pats have to play the rest of these games. What’s the point? Who benefits from this? Just chalk it up as a win and everyone goes home happy and healthy.

Pick: Pats -11.5

BONUS COLLEGE PICK

  • Army vs Navy -3
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