How Many Terrible Movies is LeBron James About to Star In?

AP FILM REVIEW TRAINWRECK A ENT

BREAKING- I’ve got a bombshell report on my hands. I’ve been sitting on this for a few days, waiting for confirmation. I wasn’t about to publish what was, at the time, merely conjecture. But now that I’ve heard from a third source I’m comfortable putting this massive news into print: LeBron James is signing with the Lakers. Please credit briansden69.com.

Obviously this is the biggest story of the offseason. Any time the best player in the league joins the marquee franchise in the NBA it’s going to be the talk of the town. There will be plenty of debate over the basketball fit and if this is a finished roster or not, but I don’t care about all that. It’ll be LeBron and a bunch of sometimes good, sometimes bad role players. We’ve seen that before. I’m excited about two things: the first being that it will be fun to hate the Lakers again. As much inescapable pain it causes me, it’s just more enjoyable when the Lakers and Yankees are relevant (people like to include the Cowboys in this, too, but people forget the Cowboys haven’t done anything since 1995). Second, and probably more importantly, we’re about to enter into a Golden Age of terrible LeBron movies.

Ever since Space Jam, the athlete-movie cottage industry completely collapsed. While Shaq is mostly to blame, it’s really disappointing that the once-proud tradition of putting our finest athletes in the center of Hollywood movies. It’s like people decided to only make movies with “trained actors.” Can’t imagine why. My extensive research (whatever’s on the top of my head) says only Thunderstruck and Double Team have used active athletes as anything other than bit cameos or side roles since Space Jam‘s 1996 release. That’s not right. That’s why I’m glad LeBron abandoned Cleveland yet again. Because if I know LeBron, I know he won’t be able to resist those bring Hollywood lights for long.

So, what’s on the docket? After appearing in Trainwreck, surely a few more Judd Apatow joints are already in the works. You’d better believe Adam Sandler won’t miss the once in a lifetime opportunity to make a few Netflix movies with the King. I’m sure Uninterrupted will branch into longer pieces with LeBron at the center. Or maybe they’ll stick with episodic. After all, they made waves with the unprecedented idea of filming guys choppin’ it up in the barbershop. What will they think of next? Maybe a few videos of LeBron driving around his new turf commenting on his journey so far and saying how bad the traffic is on the 405. Or maybe take it inside Casa de James and capture Savannah cooking his favorite meals or something. I don’t know, just spitballing, here. It’s hard to come up with never-before-seen reality TV ideas. One of his kids is still young enough to be strictly in the Kids Movie demo, so he’ll make at least two or three late-career-Eddie-Murphy type movies. And Space Jam 2, of course. No idea how old he is, but have to imagine we’ll have a multi-part series on LeBron, Jr.’s college recruitment. And maybe Bryce catches the movie bug and becomes a filmmaker. Guess old dad will have to be the star of that, too. There’s gotta be an After Earth spinoff with LeBron and his kids, too. The possibilities are endless.

I just can’t wait for all the L.A. related storylines that are gonna come out of this. Who’s LeBron doing lunch with today? Where’s his next meeting? What happens when the only night Nobu has an opening is a big game against the Warriors? What if his family wants to spend the weekend in Santa Monica during the stretch run? I love this. I’m sure the “KD ruined the NBA” crowd has a bunch of poop in their its diaper, but shame on you if you aren’t excited for some of the absolutely ridiculous and melodramatic stories that are going to come of out of LeBron to L.A. Let’s just start the season today.

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