Remember waking up yesterday morning thinking you would get a good game between two of the hottest teams in the league? A back-and-forth slugfest that served as a possible (but very unlikely) Super Bowl preview? Yeah, that didn’t happen. Game sucked. Steelers are officially Back Until The Play the Patriots, which is where this era of Steelers’ football tops out. So, good for them.
I’ll be honest with you guys, this is the worst week of games I can ever remember. Legitimately. Not one good game on paper. Actually, there was one but it ended 52-21. Three of the thirteen games have spreads lower than six, and all three of those game are between equally terrible teams. If you’ve got a life or a significant other (I have neither, sweet!) maybe think about taking your special someone out apple picking or something on Sunday. Because you do NOT want to watch these absolute abominations. Pray for anyone who chooses to watch all of these “games” (me).
Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (-7)
Puke city, but this is where the Jets score 49 points and buy Todd Bowles another season.
New England Patriots (-7) at Tennessee Titans
The fact that the Pats and Jets are both favored by the same amount of points is insulting. Pats are going to MURDER the Titans. They might repeat the 59-0 game from 2009. Titans just book a stay at the Blowout Hotel, checkout time is 4:30pm on Sunday.
Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears (-6.5)
Last week was…less than encouraging for the Lions. It seems like they’re ready to quit big time. A bad start on the road against Mitchell Vick could spell doom for the Lions’ entire season. One problem? The Bears have only allowed five first half touchdowns all season. Could get late early in Detroit.
New Orleans Saints (-6) at Cincinnati Bengals
This has Letdown Game written all over it. Saints are flying high, won seven straight, just beat the Rams, going to the ‘Nati to play the Bengals who no one takes seriously without A.J. Green. What could go wrong? Sure seems like nothing. Bengals D isn’t all that good, Bengals O isn’t all that good. Actually, you know what? Even if the Saints do have a letdown, they’ll still beat the Bengals. Picking the Bengals as an underdog is a brutal experience, mostly because you know within two seconds if they’re going to cover or not. I’m not about to hop on that roller coaster willingly.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-3)
Seven of the sixteen teams in the AFC have a positive scoring differential. Did you know the Colts were one of them? I bet you didn’t. They’ve won two in a row and, by virtue of being in the AFC South, are approaching “Don’t Look Now” territory. I’m obviously the chief anti-Andrew Luck guy, but he dominates the division, historically. Jags are in complete free fall. Lost four straight, everyone hates each other, guys randomly deciding they aren’t playing. Things are bad in northern Florida, right now, and it’s a shame. They’re such a good, likable group of dudes.
Atlanta Falcons (-6) at Cleveland Browns
Remember when the Browns were hot and the Falcons were dead? Feels like a lifetime ago. I keep saying it, but the Falcons are kind of back. The offense is slinging the ball around, Julio Jones is scoring TDs, won three in a row. Meanwhile, the Browns have been outscored 134-76 since their last win during the Second Peloponnesian War. That’s 14.5 points per game, for those not keeping track. That’s bad, folks. Not quite as bad as losing a 28-3 lead with 2:12 left in the third quarter of the Super Bowl, but still bad.
Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Bucs (-3)
Yikes, this week STINKS.
Arizona Ca******s at Kansas City Chiefs (-17)
Alright, someone should get fired for scheduling this game. I realize there are rules and it’s all formulaic, but have a heart. These guys have families and people that care about them. They don’t deserve to get publicly humiliated and have the score run up on them. Arizona’s a big retirement spot, how many people will die because of this game? 10? 20? And the NFL can live with that? Shameful.
Los Angeles Chargers (-10) at Oakland Raiders
There’s a play-by-play guy that’s been training his whole life to make the big time. Studies the tape, practices his craft, strengthens his voice and knowledge of the game daily, is the hardest working person in the room at all times. Went to Syracuse or Northwestern or something. Got a fellowship or whatever with the right people and started working right away. Just been grinding for years. And he has to call this game. Think about that.
Miami Dolphins at Green Bay Packers (-10)
What the hell? Guess I’ve got to find something real to do on Sunday afternoon.
Seattle Seahawks at Los Angeles Rams (-10)
Four double digit favorites this week. Four! And they aren’t even close to being the four worst games of the week. I would like to file an official injunction against the NFL schedule makers for abusing my blind loyalty to this awful, awful league.
Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)
An NFC East divisional game on Sunday night. I mean, I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like a principal in an early 2000’s middle school movie who’s just given up and let that one shithead kid and his crazy shenanigans take control of the entire school. Someone just put me out of my misery.
Pick: The sweet release of death
New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers (-3)
I’m officially back to being excited for this week. This is such an absurdly bad end to an absurdly bad week that I bet it’s gonna wind up being the most exciting game of the year. I mean, Nick Mullens is about to light the field on fire with the fastballs he’ll be zinging. Eli Manning will let his offensive line down by turtling at the first sign of pressure, causing Odell Beckham to finally commit the nation’s first justified and unpunished strangulation on the sidelines. Saquon Barkley will retire mid-game like Vontae Davis. Remember him? That was a fun story no one talks about anymore. Maybe it’s because the Bills are so depressing. The NFL season is so short but so long at the same time, which is a crazy paradox. Feels like a thousand years ago that Tyrod Taylor was the Browns starting QB and that people thought they had the best receiving corps in the league. Remember when Tyrod didn’t tell people they were pronouncing his name wrong for 50 years? Like, at that point your name is what everyone says it is, man. Sorry. If you want it pronounced right maybe, like, say something before you’ve been in the league forever. Tyrod saying we’ve been saying his name wrong is the polar opposite of Kesha dropping the $. Complete nomenclatural sabotage. Speaking of Kesha, her version of “This is Me” from the new Greatest Showman album is fire. Absolute heat. Panic! at the Disco’s “Greatest Show,” too. Do people actually like them again or is it just an ironic like because of the re-emergence of “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” as a meme? And how the hell is “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” buried on the third page of Panic! at the Disco’s video tab on Google search? Who the hell’s looking them up because they couldn’t get enough “Death of a Bachelor?” They have a decent “Bohemian Rhapsody” cover, though. Suicide Squad STUNK but it had a pretty solid soundtrack, honestly. Love me a self-serious Twenty One Pilots song. Sorry, Twenty Øne Piløts. I blame Prince (R.I.P.) for every musician and band needlessly inserting accent or weird characters into their names. Like, we get it guys. You’re really artsy and creative and we could never fully understand the complexities of your sound. Anyone with weird characters would always talk about their “sound.” Whatever, man, your second album was your best, anyway. Before you sold out like a coward. Nick Mullens would never sell out. That’s why he’s the GOAT.