Two of the biggest stories in the sports world right now revolve around the mysterious ailments afflicting Urban Meyer and Markelle Fultz. Now, anyone with a brain can figure out both of them are (allegedly) fake. The real question is which one is (allegedly) more fake? The headaches or the shoulder? The answer may shock you.
The Urban Meyer illness, also known as Coachkitis, is obviously (allegedly) fake. It’s happened before! When the going gets tough, Urban gets fakin’. When he was at Florida, the second they lost an undefeated season he had “heart problems” and “wanted to spend more time with his family” so he took a leave of absence that was just an excuse to skip the build up for the bowl game and the next season (allegedly). The next year they went 7-5 and he retired. Because of health and nothing else.
Literally one year later he took the Ohio State job and was magically cured. Until this year, when his team got smacked by Purdue and spent a month and a half looking like shit. All of a sudden he’s got crazy headaches and can barely stand. Miss the playoff for the third year in a row? Have a terrible domestic violence case hanging over the program’s head? Ow, my head (allegedly)! Doesn’t help that his wife is selling him out, saying “winning cures a lot.” Gee, ya think? I wonder if there’s some NCAA sanctions coming Ohio State’s way, too. That might make the ol’ noggin ache a little harder. It’s obvious what’s going to happen: Ohio State is either going to get hit by the NCAA or just start to decline, Urban takes a year off, Brian Kelly gets fired at Notre Dame. Hmm, if only there was a coaching legend who we could hire without needing to pay a huge buyout clause. What’s that? Urban Meyer is healthy again and not doing anything? Wow, what luck! Then in 2023 his back will flare up when they go 8-4 (allegedly).
Verdict: FAKE (allegedly)
But what about Markelle Fultz? I think I can drop the (allegedly) here, because this is just a made up condition. Thoracic outlet syndrome? That’s not a real thing. I refuse to even entertain the thought that thoracic outlet syndrome is a legitimate medical condition. Like, I’m sorry that Jimmy Butler is bullying you, bro, but you might just suck. He’s completely forgotten how to play basketball. Everything that made him good at every level before the NBA is gone. He’s a total zero on the court. Does nothing well. Maybe it’s just a mental thing? Maybe you weren’t ready to be the number one pick? Maybe you don’t like the pressure of being on a winning team? Maybe you don’t want everyone to look at you all the time even if you’re seemingly intentionally making yourself more of a sideshow than was ever necessary? Do you even want to play basketball anymore? I mean hell, I’ll go out there for ten minutes and hit zero shots. Can’t be that hard. I just can’t wrap my mind around this whole situation. He’s still so talented and could turn it all around. But he’s doing himself no favors by being the most mentally weak person in human history and letting his agent run around telling everyone he’s (allegedly) injured with the well known and definitely not fabricated thoracic outlet syndrome. It’s time to grow up, dude. Just request a trade to Orlando or something, already.
It takes a lot to unseat Urban Meyer when it comes to fake injuries. Up to this point, only Coach K had ever (allegedly) been above him. But there’s a new crown prince of fake injuries, and his name is Markelle Fultz.
Verdict: Very, very, very, not even allegedly Fake
Brian's Den 