NFL Picks Week 14


Jags-Titans finally made its triumphant return to Thursday Night Football, but without the magic of Color Rush, it makes me wonder what the point of it all was. Yes, both teams were in monochrome. But if you think all you have to do to go Color Rush is to wear jerseys, pants, and socks that are already part of your standard jersey set and all the same color, please close this window now. There’s no room for you here. Real ones know Jags-Titans Thursday Night is only complete when its mustard vs. sky blue. White vs. navy doesn’t have the same ring to it.

My favorite part about last night was when the Jags starting talking a ton of smack late in the 4th when the game was out of reach. I think the defense was trying to be defiant and let the offense know it was their fault, not the D’s. This, of course, is despite the fact that the defense had been completely emasculated by the cyborg known as Derrick Henry and allowed a feeble Titans team to put up 30 points. But hey, they almost made the Super Bowl last year. They’ve earned the right to keep talking all game. On a side note, I fundamentally don’t understand why Derrick Henry doesn’t do this more often. Who’s tackling him? Absolute unit.

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers (-5)

Usually when a team gets a new coach there’s a bit of a new car smell around the facility. Everyone feels refreshed and plays just a little harder. Typically the team is a lock to cover, assuming they hated the old coach and like the new coach. I have no idea if anyone other than Aaron Rodgers actually disliked Mike McCarthy. I know no one’s running through a brick wall for Joe Philbin. It’s clear Aaron Rodgers is the one who’s really in control of that entire building, and he’s got everyone afraid to challenge him in any way. Fear is only a good motivator when you have a winning record. Packers are about to lose out, and lose out big time.

Pick: Falcons

New England Patriots (-8) at Miami Dolphins

-8 seems like a lot when you consider the Pats literally never win in Miami. But when you also consider that things that haven’t happened to the Pats in 15 years are happening this season and that if the Dolphins win and Ravens lose I’m pretty sure the Dolphins actually move into the sixth playoff spot, thus making this a massive, “season-on-the-line” type game for the Dolphins, it almost seems too low.

Pick: Pats

New York Giants (-3.5) at Washington Redskins

It’s Eli vs. Sanchez, next on Fox! Feel the excitement!

Pick: Giants

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans (-4.5)

The Colts’ absolute ZERO of a performance last week kind of ruined what would have been the rare huge AFC South game. Still, the Colts aren’t dead yet and the Texans really need a bye and/or the 1 seed if they want to do anything in the playoffs, so it might be a decent game. I say might because the Colts’ roster just isn’t that good. For as much as I hate on him, Andrew Luck covers up a lot, and I mean a lot, of warts. Texans just have a better team all across the board. Doesn’t seem fathomable, but the Texans are about to win their 10th straight.

Pick: Texans

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

Hmmm, let me think back to the supposed formula to beat all the best high-flying teams of the past. You’ve got to run the ball and kill the clock. Ravens have averaged 238.66 yards on 48.33 carries in the three games since Lamar Jackson took over as starting QB and have dominated time of possession every game. You need a tough, physical defense that will make things hard for the QB. Ravens are allowing the lowest completion percentage, second lowest passer rating, and second fewest passing yards per game in the NFL. Throw in one of the best kickers in league history and a coach who knows what he’s doing and I think we may have something here, folks. I also know that the Chiefs know they need homefield throughout the playoffs and one loss will ruin it so they’re obviously going to lose a game. Why not this one?

Pick: Ravens

New Orleans Saints (-9.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

My first reaction was to say the Saints are going to be out for blood and looking to murder the hapless Bucs. But the Bucs have won two straight games, allowing a combined 26 points. Jameis hasn’t turned the ball over in either game. The Bucs already beat the Saints once. Could the Saints lose consecutive games? No. But they won’t win by more than 4.

Pick: Bucs

Carolina Panthers (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

I’m #done with the Panthers. I stuck my neck out there for them all season and they’ve lost a thousand games in a row. Browns are hot (for them) and are in perfect position to win just enough games to cost them a good draft pick.

Pick: Browns

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-3.5)

Got a haircut today. Think it looks nice. Shoutout to my girl Stormy.

Pick: Jets

Denver Broncos (-4) at San Francisco 49ers

I mean, this line is at least three points too low. Niners are about to get crushed.

Pick: Broncos

Cincinnati Bengals at Los Angeles Chargers (-14)

I don’t know. I just don’t see the Chargers winning by 15. So sue me. Yeah, they’ll probably win by 35 but it’s just not happening that way in my head.

Pick: Bengals

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-3.5)

Everyone knows I’m NOT a Cowboys hater, but if I were I’d be rooting for them to win out so they have no choice but to sign Dak to a huge deal and completely ruin their salary cap going forward. But, again, not a hater.

Pick: Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) at Oakland Raiders

If the Steelers can’t win this game? Yikes. I almost wouldn’t want the Pats to beat them next week. It’d just be kicking a dog when it’s down.

Pick: Steelers

Detroit Lions (-3) at Arizona C*******s

Christmas will always be my favorite holiday, but I’ve reached the age where trying to come up with stuff I want is the worst thing ever. If you gave me three years I don’t think I’d be able to come up with a realistic Christmas list. It’d just be a bunch of crap I need but don’t want to buy. It stinks. I want to go back to the days where I had a list three miles long of various toys and games that I viewed as unobtainable because of the astronomic price tag of, like, $14.99. Getting old is for the birds.

Pick: Lions

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Chicago Bears

This is what Bear Weather was invented for. High flying, flashy, Hollywood team comes swaggering into Chicago talking about In-N-Out and skating and surfing and not caring about anything only to get hit in the face with some 26° air and possible precipitation. As long as Mike Singletary is still alive, the Bears win these games 100% of the time for all of us who grew up toughened by cold weather.

Pick: Bears

Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (-3)

I think we’ll finally be able to put the 2018 Vikings to bed after this one. Not a moment too soon.

Pick: Seahawks

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