Folks, we have a problem on our hands: the Thursday Night games have been too good this year. Thursday Night games are supposed to be terrible matchups between terrible teams that get everyone questioning why they like this sport. It’s not meant to be exciting. It’s not meant to have real playoff ramifications. Some of these Thursday Games have spat in the face of Color Rush’s legacy, and frankly, I’m sick of it. Give me Titans-Jags 6-3. Give me Bills-Jets where color blind people can’t tell which team is which. Thrilling Chargers comeback against the number one seed Chiefs that has put the AFC West in doubt for the first time all season? You can leave that at the door. I don’t want it. I do want these games, though.
Houston Texans (-7) at New York Jets
I can understand why the NFL wanted to put this game on Saturday at 4:30 before everyone realizes we’re into “Saturday NFL SZN.”
Cleveland Browns at Denver Broncos (-3)
Browns making a nearly impossible playoff run would be the most fun thing to happen all season. That means they’ll lose this game by 100 and eliminate themselves.
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (-6)
Aaron Rodgers typically prolongs his death as long as possible. Aaron Rodgers typically destroys the Bears in Chicago. If I know anything about the NFL I know this- Packers will win this game and every result will go their way to keep them alive.
Dallas Cowboys at Indianapolis Colts (-3)
This line is really odd to me. Vegas is saying that the Cowboys and Colts are totally even with the built-in homefield advantage. I disagree with this. I think the Cowboys are superior and could win by multiple scores. Or they won’t. You never know.
Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings (-7.5)
Two teams that absolutely refuse to die no matter how bad they are. The Cockroach Bowl, if you will. I’m going Dolphins because I refuse to believe 2018 Kirk Cousins is beating any team by more than 7 points.
Tampa Bay Bucs at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)
The Bucs have the 30th ranked rush defense in DVOA. That does not bode well for our friends in Tampa. At least the strip club-steakhouse combos are still open during the holidays.
Arizona C*******s at Atlanta Falcons (-9.5)
People forget the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead with 2:12 left in the third quarter of the Super Bowl.
Oakland Raiders at Cincinnati Bengals (-3)
The struggle continues for my Christmas list. We’re getting down into the thick of things and I’ve got nothing. Everything I want I just buy myself. Instant gratification has ruined Christmas for me as an adult. Why would I wait for someone to maybe buy me something I want when I can just buy it myself the second I want it? Why is it so hard to come up with something I want? I know there’s got to be something. Smh. Pray for me in these trying times.
Washington Redskins at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7.5)
You kept the receipt for this gift, right?
Detroit Lions at Buffalo Bills (-2)
Alright, this week sucks.
Tennessee Titans at New York Giants (-1)
What’s worse: this slate of games or the “Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?” crowd?
Seattle Seahawks (-4) at San Francisco 49ers
Yet another gross game. Could finish 43-11 or something wacky. Seahawks big, though.
New England Patriots (-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers
It’s hard to describe to people who aren’t Patriots fans (or any other team that has a “rival” they haven’t lost too since before the first multicellular organism evolved) what the games against the Steelers are like. The Steelers are always, always, the talented team no one wants to play. Always the trendy pick. Always the team everyone wants to dethrone the Pats. But me they’re nothing. A fly that lands on my skin for a millisecond. I move my arm and it’s gone. That’s how little effort it takes to beat the Steelers. They are a complete non-factor. They’re losers and will always be losers. I have a better chance of winning the lottery, going on a date with Emma Watson, and actually advancing my career all in the same day than the Steelers have of winning any game that involves the Patriots until the planet we live on becomes a cold, decrepit husk floating aimlessly through space.
Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams (-12)
Carson Wentz has a fractured vertebra and the team DIDN’T TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY AND ARE CONSIDERING PLAYING HIM THIS WEEK. The locker room is on the verge of rioting. If this line was Rams -293475 I’d think it was way too low.
New Orleans Saints (-6.5) at Carolina Panthers
Saints obviously, but if I have to sit through another “Drew Brees only has 178 yards midway through the fourth” game I’m out on the Saints.