Super Bowl LIV Preview

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Greetings from Miami. I’ve been down here for about a week now, just living the South Beach lifestyle. Don’t think I’ve worn anything besides an all-white suit with an electric pink shirt since I landed, and no one’s called me out on it because we’re all wearing the same white Lacoste loafers with no socks. All I do all day is wait for a table at Prime 112 and go to LIV and tear the dancefloor to shreds. Maybe think about going to the beach, but instead I’ll just stare into the window at Joe’s Stone Crab hoping to see Andy Reid crushing some crab claws, then try to join him at his table so we can talk Hawaiian shirts only to be told multiple times by the maître d’ that it’s just a normal big guy with a mustache and that I have to leave. But that’s just Miami life, though. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. I’m addicted to LIV. Apparently the NFL is, too, because they’re playing the Super Bowl there. What’s that? It’s not at LIV, it’s just Super Bowl LIV? Oh, okay. That’s dumb. Pretty huge missed opportunity, if you ask me.

I’ve barely even noticed the NFL has been here, to be honest. This is the most nothing build-up to a Super Bowl in history. No storylines. No drama. Terrible, terrible, terrible circumstances putting the game itself on the backburner of everyone’s mind. Maybe I’m just not watching enough coverage, but the only talking point I’m actually getting sick of is that there’s nothing to talk about (don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it). This is exactly why all of you are gonna miss the Pats when it’s 100% over (sorry, I tried). The leadup is never boring when the Pats are involved because everyone goes over the top to try and vilify them in increasingly preposterous ways. These two teams show up and everyone spends two weeks going, “man, Mahomes and Kittle are really good. Could go either way. Yeah. Hey, did you know Mike Shanahan is Kyle Shanahan’s father?” It’s a complete snoozefest. Credit to Frank Clark for trying to singlehandedly bring some spice to the proceedings, but wearing a sweatshirt with Kanye and Trump on it and then tweeting out that people are trying to draw attention away from the game, while hilariously asinine, can only go so far. If the Chiefs win, people will try and tell me Travis Kelce is better than Gronk, the man Kelce has put every fiber of his being into emulating, but Gronk would rather be dead than be as boring as Kelce was during media day. It’s been so terrible that it’s convinced me this game is going to be awesome. Because if it’s a stinker, historians will come to the consensus that this game never even happened when they look back on the entirety of the NFL in 15 100 years. We’re in for some fireworks, folks. Literally. There will be a lot of pyrotechnics in the pregame and halftime shows. The game will be good, too. So get locked in and find a place to watch the game where no one is just there for the commercials.

San Francisco 49ers vs Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5)

Normally, when I say looking at stats for a game is pointless and you just have to follow your gut, I’m just being lazy. But here, I mean it. This is a tale as old as time. I’m pretty sure the first football game ever somehow featured the best, most explosive offense in the league lead by a transcendent QB going against the best all-around team with a solid defense. And every time but once, literally one time in the history of the world, the defense won. And more often than not, they completely smash the opposition, either on the scoreboard (Seahawks-Broncos, shoutout Malcolm Smith) or mentally (Pats-Falcons, in which the Falcons held a 28-3 lead late in the third quarter and proceeded to lose. Shoutout Kyle Shanahan). Now, the Niners defense isn’t quite at the level of some of the all-time greats, but it’s still arguably the best in the league and they just completely shut down Aaron Rodgers, who some of you want to tell me is the GOAT. So, in my mind, they qualify for this distinction. In this eternal matchup, they represent the long line of teams that are actually good at everything. By right, they should win. But no one in history, not even the 2007 Patriots, had Patrick Mahomes (the second you finish reading this sentence, the entire blog will be deleted from your memory forever). And he’s just so hard to pick against, man. Every second is a war when you’re facing him. You could play a perfect 58 minutes giving up nothing and he’ll still find a way to score 35. This offense is stupid and impossible to stop. There’s going to be a point in the game where the Chiefs rattle off 14-21 unanswered points and the entire 2019 NFL season will be put on Jimmy G’s chiseled shoulders. I love Jimmy G and wish it had all unfolded differently (not in a don’t trade him sense, in a let’s live in magic Christmas land where no one gets paid money or wants to play sense), but I’m just not sure he’s got the ten straight key passes the Niners will need. I’m rooting for San Fran. I want the Niners to win and for George Kittle to be rightly recognized as the Scion of Gronk. And I know I’m just falling into the same trap everyone always falls into and then wonders why they thought this is the time the offense won. But Kansas City wins, finally getting Andy Reid his place at the table.

Pick: Chiefs -1.5

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Bonus Super Bowl Prop Bets

  • Demi Lovato National Anthem: Over 1:55 -220
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • Will opening Kickoff Be a Touchback: No +130
  • How Many Times Will A-Rod Be Shown During the Halftime Show: Under .5 -145
  • What Color Liquid Will Be Poured on Winning Coach: Lime/Green/Yellow +450
  • Andre Dummond Rebounds -105 over Raheem Mostert Rushing Attempts
  • Super Bowl MVP: Patrick Mahomes +115
  • Who Will Super Bowl MVP Mention First: City +550
  • Tied Again After 0-0: Yes -200
  • Will There be a Flea Flicker Attempted: Yes +165

Patriots Win Super Bowl 53

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What a game. What an all-time classic, unforgettable game. My beloved Patriots, champions of the National Football League once again.

Listen, this one’s a little subdued. When you see six of these, one of them’s gotta bring up the rear, and friends, this was it. The haters will say this game sucked, but we all know that true football dynasties are built on gross beautiful 10-3 defensive struggles. Brady showed up for a drive. Edelman unreal all game. Gronk (maybe) going out on top. Absolutely unreal game from the D. Stephon Gilmore needs to be inducted into the Hall of Fame today. Dont’a Hightower is the best defensive player in Super Bowl history. R.I.P. Brian Flores era. It will be missed.

Whatever, I don’t care. Third title in the last five years, sixth in the last seventeen. What a team, what a run. Appreciate it, folks. We’ll never see it again. How did I ever get so lucky to see this whole thing? I’ll never know. What a life I lead. A champion straight out of the womb.

This Is Arguably the Most Important Week in Human History

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Folks, every so often the planets align and a series of events so monumental, so important to the future of mankind all occur in the span of one seven day stretch. This is one such time. Years from now, historians will look back on January 28th, 2019 through February 3rd, 2019 as the new cutoff point for calendars. This is the new year one. Get used to it.

For starters, tonight is media night for the Super Bowl. Crazy hijinks, wacky questions, Rams players talking about how much they hate the Patriots and that they totally, 100% AREN’T intimidated by them whatsoever. It’s always a great time. This will set the stage for one of the great triumphs in Western History.

Kingdom Hearts III comes out tomorrow. I’ll say that again in case you didn’t hear: Kingdom Hearts III comes out tomorrow. This is simply preposterous to me. I literally cannot believe it. Kingdom Hearts II came out fourteen years ago. 2005! I’m old and washed up and the gap in between the two main titles of one of my favorite game franchises ever has been over half my life. And tomorrow I’m going to be holding a real-life copy of Kingdom Hearts III. I don’t know how I’m going to react yet. There might be tears, I won’t rule it out.

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I’ve been frantically reading Wikipedia entries. I’ve been watching 45-minute plot compilation videos on YouTube. I’ve come as close as any one man can come to fully understanding the Kingdom Hearts storyline. My body is ready. It’s a matter of if my fragile psyche is.

Wednesday I will be playing Kingdom Hearts III all day. I want the history books to know this, too.

I’ll also be working on my next big project, and I assure you, it’s big. Huge, even. Will totally revolutionize what you think a good time really is. I can’t say anything else without risking unveiling Blayze on the Beach before it’s ready. Oops, did I say that out loud? Silly me.

Thursday is my dad’s birthday. Shoutout to my dad.

Friday my Super Bowl picks come out. Obviously a pretty big deal. Special prop bets included.

Saturday is a day of rest and probably the like, third longest day of the year. Super Bowl Saturday is bruuuuuutal. It’s so boring. It takes three lifetimes to end. But there’s always Kingdom Hearts III.

Sunday, needless to say, will rewrite American history. I don’t want to step on my picks too much, but let’s just say a certain coach-QB combo will win their sixth Super Bowl together. Sixth! And there’s going to be some terrible CBS show premiering afterwards. I’ll have more on this day as the week progresses, but it’s gonna be good. Get your spread locked down now. The last thing you want to do is leave shopping until Saturday.

This is totally the last week of eating like crap before I start working out and eating better. For real this time, I swear.

What a week. What a week. I don’t even know if I’ve done it justice with this description. But those of you who know, know. The world is about to change, and it all starts tonight.

Super Bowl 52 Preview

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Here we are. The Big Game. The one for all the marbles. The Super Bowl. It’s been a long road to get here, but finally the culmination of this NFL season is on the horizon. Patriots versus Eagles. A month and a half ago, this seemed like the obvious, preordained matchup. Now, one team is playing with house money and the other trying to add to an already unassailable legacy. Barring a noteworthy loss, this is almost a no-lose scenario for both. If the Eagles lose, what, was Nick Foles really supposed to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl? If the Pats lose it sucks, but they’ve already won five. Are they suddenly failures now? Maybe these seemingly low stakes are why it’s been such a quiet two weeks. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a great game. After all, it is the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots (-4.5)

I’ll be honest- this line is too high. I’m not the first to say it, but it really should be 3. In my mind, this is just a mirror image of the AFC Championship game. The Eagles have one of the three best defenses in the NFL, an explosive defensive line, and a competent offense. They have more weapons than the Jags, and Nick Foles is proof that pretty much any NFL QB can be good if they’re in the right system (maybe the NFL doesn’t have a quarterback problem, but a coach problem?). Considering the way they just dispatched of the Vikings, who have an objectively superior defense to the Pats, it would be foolish to completely dismiss Foles and the Eagles’ offense. But that’s the thing: the Pats aren’t the Vikings. The second the Eagles took the lead, the Vikings quit because they knew it was over. The Pats don’t start trying until they’re down two scores. You can throw out all the numbers you want, but this is pretty simple- the Eagles aren’t going to blow the Pats out, so if the game is on the line, who do you trust? The backup QB who may have had a legitimate out-of-body experience last week and a second year head coach straight off the Andy Reid coaching tree or Brady and Belichick? Actually, here’s a few numbers for you: first is the widely circulated (too widely circulated?) stat that Brady has never lost a playoff game to a team they didn’t play in the regular season. 15-0. Pats and Eagles did not play in the regular season. Second, here’s one I made up myself- Brady has lost one (1) playoff game to a team that did not already have a Super Bowl win when he became the starter in 2001. That one? The flukiest of a fluke losses to the Jets after the 2010 season. This Eagles team is waaaaaay better than the Jets, which means they won’t sneak up on the Pats, and they have enough Loser DNA to keep them down. 4.5 seems like too many points, and it probably is, but, in instances like this, I think the best advice you can give is only take the underdog if you think they can win. I think I said this last year, but close your eyes and try to imagine a future in which the Philadelphia Eagles, lead by Nicholas E. Foles, actually beat the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. If you can, you have a better imagination than I do. Tom Brady’s son better pucker up, because daddy’s winning number 6.

Pick: Pats -4.5

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BONUS PROP BETS

  • National Anthem: Over 2:00 -200
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • P!nk’s Hair Color: Green +400
  • How Many Times Will Tom Brady’s Age Be Mentioned: Over 1.5 -350
  • How Many Time Will Carson Wentz Be Mentioned: Over 3.5 -250
  • What Color Liquid: Clear/Water +400
  • Higher- Pats’ Total Points or Kyrie Irving Points+Assists vs. Blazers: Kyrie (assuming he plays) -230
  • MVP: Tom Brady -110
  • First Mention in MVP Speech: Teammates +200

The Eagles Being Obsessed with LeBron vs. MJ Has Me More Confident in the Patriots than Ever

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source– The Philadelphia Eagles watch tape and look at statistics. They check for tendencies, scout the advanced numbers, see how things change when the fourth quarter comes around. And they do it all in order to prepare for … near-daily locker-room arguments about LeBron James and Michael Jordan.

“Heated. Heated, every single time,” said wide receiver Torrey Smith. “We come with stats. This is not just barbershop talk—I have looked up statistics plenty of times. The numbers favor my argument—he’s better in every single category except points per game. LeBron makes his teammates better, he plays on worse teams, and obviously he’s made it to a lot of Finals, even if he doesn’t win them all.”

When I visited the Eagles locker room during the regular season, I saw the arguments in action. I asked if the Eagles argued about hoops often, and I was told no—they just argue about Jordan vs. LeBron, nearly every day. As James continues to contend for MVPs and NBA titles well into his 30s, the debate has developed into an international hot topic. Prince Harry discussed it with Barack Obama—who is on Jordan’s side, though that may have something to do with his Chicago sports fandomPretty much every player in the NBA, past or present, has weighed in by now. NFL locker rooms are fairly boring places, but I have not seen a non-football argument as intense and involved as this one.

Alright, I keep saying it, but the buildup to this Super Bowl has been capital b Boring. I’m searching high and low for anything at all to talk about. I’m leaving no stone unturned and working my fingers to the bone trying to find an NFL storyline. Yeah, I could talk Alex Smith, but who cares? (On the surface it’s a fine, intermediary move for a solid QB, but signing him to 4 years $71 million guaranteed is a startlingly bad decision) All I want to do is discuss the greatness of the Patriots, but there’s just nothing new. I was about to just write “Why Tom Brady Should Win MVP, part 2.” But then this story came to my attention, and I might as well just start typing up the celebratory “Pats Win the Super Bowl Yet Again,” because there’s NO CHANCE the Patriots are going to lose to a team so concerned with debating MJ-LeBron.

Here’s where all the football purists and old school talking heads are nodding in agreement. “Yes, no one can win if you aren’t taking football 100% seriously 100% of the time. No distractions allowed.” That’s not what I’m saying. It’s good for players to have outside interests; conversations like this can build camaraderie and don’t affect practicing at all (although it’s not a coincidence you never hear about Pats’ players getting into these debates, hmmmmm). The real reason I’d be shaking in my boots if I was an Eagles’ fan is the fact that they’re still debating Mj vs. LeBron! That’s a 2016-17 argument. No one cares anymore, or, more specifically, no one cares in the months outside of May-July. The Patriots are at the forefront of the NFL. Every cutting edge scheme, every revolutionary strategy, the Pats not only have it mastered but they’ve mastered how to counteract it. And they’re playing a team who’s main concern is a debate from 8 months ago? Yikes. The Pats are all about the future and going forward. The Eagles are stuck in the past. Progress stops for no man, folks, and it would seem the Patriots are clearly going to be on the right side of history. I wonder when the Eagles will start asking how many holes a straw has. Next training camp? Maybe not until preseason. By then the Pats will have set their sights on number 7. It really just sums up the difference between the two franchises. What else can you expect out of a team from Philadelphia, though? Always five steps behind.