Brian

Chinese Parents Locked their Son in a Cage for 30 Years because they thought he was Possessed

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source– A mentally ill man was locked in a cage for more than three decades by his parents who thought he was possessed by a ghost.

His parents didn’t understand his mental health condition and even tried an exorcism to ‘release the evil spirit from him’.

But when he returned after the procedure they found he was acting strangely and “reluctantly” decided to lock him away. He was last let out for exercise several years ago.

The 39-year-old was recently filmed by concerned neighbours with his hand grasping through the bars of his cage.

Concerned neighbours sent the footage to medical professionals, who then arranged for him to be freed.

Incredibly, his mum, Li Lianying, admitted that it was she and her husband who “reluctantly” put him inside the cage more than 30 years ago.

Since the 1980s, their son, who has not been identified, lived alone in a dark and damp cage in Hepu County’s Gongguan Township, in south China.

Mrs Lianying explained it all started when the boy was just six years old.

He went missing and was found by local villagers, who performed an exorcism on him.

He was returned to his parents, but they said from that day he had acted strangely, leading them to believe he had been possessed by a ghost.

His mother said: “He would run around aimlessly on the street and only learnt how to say ‘mum’ at the age of 12.”

Without consulting medical experts, she and her husband decided to lock the young boy away, providing him with food and water through the metal bars.

The man has been taken to hospital for treatment and was found to be extremely malnourished.

He has very limited vocabulary made up of incoherent screams and is unable to communicate.

It is not clear if his parents will be charged with abuse.

Now I know this isn’t the most reliable source, but any story that takes place in a Chinese township is probably true. I see stories like this from time to time. Just a random collection of words thrown together to make a crazy headline. They almost always take place in China, India, or Florida. They’re so over the top already there’s almost nothing I can add. But this one has an element that I couldn’t let slide. “It is not clear if his parents will be charged with abuse.” Huh? Let me say this: if his parents get charged with abuse I’ll lose all faith in the Chinese Justice System.

I can’t blame his parents for panicking. I’m on record as saying I could deal with corporeal spirits, but possession is an entirely different animal. Those are the scary ghosts. They’re meaner, more violent, and usually have some evil machinations in the works. They’ll get their hosts body contorting in a bunch of weird angles and spouting some demonic hell-speak. Even the most hardened paranormal veteran prefers not to deal with possessions. Plus, if the ghost can take control of their kid, what’s going to stop it from jumping into one of the parents’ bodies? Pretty unselfish to lock the kid up, if you think about it. A six year old can’t take care of himself. Who’s going to look after him if his parents are possessed by ghosts? More importantly, a ghost can do a lot more damage in an adult body than a child’s. If my blanket thoughts are true, most Chinese townships are just glorified villages. A possessed man could take it over in one night. He could conquer the entire interior of China in like, six months. These parents saved the Chinese government from a long and expensive civil war. They should be showered in praise, not thrown in the same cage they subjected their young son to.

Many people will take the son’s side here since he was virtually defenseless, but the fact of the matter is that if you don’t want to be locked in a cage, don’t get possessed by a ghost. Pretty cut and dry. Especially in China. If you have a lazy eye in China your head is on the chopping block. What do you think they’ll do to someone possessed by a ghost? Use your head, man. Don’t open yourself like flower on a sunny day the first time a ghost tries to infiltrate your mind then cry about it when you lose 30 years of your life. Kids these days have no sense of responsibility or consequence. In the old days, kids were tough and provided for their families. They didn’t add another burden by going and getting themselves possessed by ghosts. This soft millennial generation, smh. All they want to do is run around with their cell phones and upload to Instaface and do drugs and shoot 3s. It’s all me, me, me. They want everything handed to them. Sorry his parents wanted to teach him some discipline by leaving him in the same room as a ghost. Sorry they expected their child to have some willpower. Didn’t know being a good parent was against the law.

Which Fast Food Place has the Worst Dressed Customers?

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So last night, I found my cupboards bare and my stomach rumbling. I decided to take the easy way out and get some fast food. While at this establishment (to be revealed later), something struck me as I looked around the room- everyone was dressed horribly. Like, social-life-killing horribly. And no one cared. It got me wondering- which fast food place has the worst dressed customers? I knew it needed a full investigation. To put together these rankings I took everything into effect, but the most important factors are average level of dress during busy times, price and quality of the food (it matters, as we’ll find out), and any intangibles that are specific to one restaurant only. Going in ascending (or maybe it’s descending?) order, saving the best for last. If you disagree with any of this, odds are you’ve never been to a fast food place before. I’m not including any of the weird Southern-only chains like Bojangles or Cook-Out or Whataburger or Zaxby’s because I don’t support anything that clings to the vestiges of a divided United States (/I’ve never been but would really like to). Sorry not sorry. Besides, they probably wouldn’t do too great on these rankings, anyway.

(Side rant before we get going: they’ve been doing nonstop road work on one of the streets near me that leads to a lot of different fast food places, and it’s getting really annoying. Mostly because they’ve exposed a million manhole covers. Literally every two feet there’s another thick manhole surrounded by a deep gully. They’re in the middle of the street and almost impossible to avoid when there’s traffic going the other way. It’s turned my suspension into spaghetti. I know the city’s not going to pay for it when the Grim Reaper finally comes for my tires. They’ve been there for over a year! Clearly they aren’t doing any work on them anymore. How long does is take to just dump some asphalt on it? This isn’t rocket surgery, just fix it already! End of rant.)

1200px-innout-svg In-N-Out Buger

I know I said I didn’t want to include regional chains, but In-N-Out is too big to ignore. It’s pretty much it’s own religion. People make sacred pilgrimages from all across the globe. People get married there. I’ve never had it. It’s my white whale, my raison d’être, if you will. When I go for the first time, you better believe I’ll be in my Sunday Best. Add in the Cali Bros and Valley Girls that go there regularly and In-N-Out doesn’t even register on the scale.

Filth Rating: 0

582px-chick-fil-a_logo-svg Chick-fil-A

I heard somewhere that young people spend more money at Chick-fil-A than any other chain restaurant. Young People would rather be dead than go anywhere looking like a slob. Me going in gym shorts a few times can’t counteract that. Nothing can subtract too much from the power of Young People, but actually loses points for not being open on Sunday, since you know people wouldn’t hesitate going straight from church and getting some of that luscious Chick-fil-A sauce all over their best coat.

Filt Rating: 🐷
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Panera Bread

I went back and forth on whether or not to include some of the “fast-casual” places like Panera, Chipotle, Shake Shack, etc. In the end, I decided against it. But, and this is a big ol’ but, Paneras have drive-thrus. My hands are tied- if you have a drive-thru, you’re in the rankings. Panera should consider itself lucky, too. Probably the most consistently well-dressed place out there. Only knock is that I always see people coming there after a workout in their sweaty gym clothes.

Filth Rating: 🐷

McDonald’s

Despite my best efforts, McDonald’s is just too corporate. People go on their lunch breaks from real jobs. People go after school. According to their commercials, you go there to be seen. And, most importantly, it’s the place to go when you’ve had too many beverages, so half the time you’re dressed up when you go. It’s also the go-to place the morning after when you look horrible, and there’s still some other brave souls out there going to Mickey D’s in sweats, so they don’t get the perfect rating they crave so much.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷

full-color Sonic

I came close to making two different Sonics, but I decided on one. My experiences in Sonic’s dining room have actually been very pleasant. It looks a lot like Chick-fil-A: plenty of people wearing hip clothes. I’ve even worn real clothes (jeans) there before. But Sonic is more than just a dining room. In fact, the dining room is secondary to the drive-in. And the drive-in are too much of a mystery to accurately gauge. I don’t know what people are wearing in their cars. I don’t know if they’re even wearing clothes at all. But I know they aren’t particularly well-dressed, because otherwise they’d be inside.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷

375px-subway_2016_logo-svg Subway

I don’t usually consider Subway to have a particularly well-dressed following, but there’s just so many locations they’re bound to draw the occasional professional-looking customer. Subways are everywhere- in malls, on college campuses, in nice neighborhoods, in bad neighborhoods. If you turn your head, you’ll see a Subway close by. Considering the diverse range of people, they would serve as a bit of a baseline, but I’ve never seen the type of critter that frequent the lower ranking places in a Subway

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷

carls_jr_logo3d-version Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s/Jack-in-the-Box

I’ll be totally honest: I’ve never been to these places. My impression of them is shaped only by commercials, not by personal experience. So, I’ll make them the baseline. Maybe the average Carl’s Jr. looks like a GQ photoshoot. Maybe Jack-in-the-Box is the second worst (nothing can dethrone number one). Out of respect for the game, I can’t give them any other rating.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

800px-taco_bell_2016-svg Taco Bell

I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve been in a Taco Bell before, and half the time it’s a pretty ugly scene.” That’s true. Very true, in fact. Half the time, Taco Bell is pretty bad. But what about the other half? TB is a mall staple, and unless you write for the internet’s hottest website (www.briansden69.com), you don’t go to the mall looking like crap. Taco Bell is also the crown prince of the dunk food throne, meaning they get plenty of late night business from people who chose their clothes with the intent of looking nice, not being comfortable. Strange concept, but works in the Bell’s favor.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

191px-arby27s_logo-svg Arby’s

I don’t particularly like Arby’s food, but I won’t let that stop me from being objective. I haven’t seen too many stand-alone Arby’s, and I’ve only been inside of one, and it wasn’t a particularly pretty scene. But it wasn’t a disaster. Their biggest advantage is that they’re often in malls or airports and things of that nature, and, as previously discussed, those places don’t usually have the true slobs.

Filt Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

popeyeslouisianakitchen Popeye’s

The best thing Popeye’s has going for it is that it’s not the lower ranking places. You’ll find all of the telltale signs: sweatpants, unseasonal jackets, dirty shoes, but there’s a certain civility still present. It’s bad, but it’s not that bad. It’s close enough to the edge to stare down into the abyss, but something keeps it from diving in. It mostly has these next few to thank for that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

300px-burger_king_logo-svg Burger King

As hard as it is these days, I still consider myself a Burger King guy. I have such fond memories of it that I refuse to acknowledge it’s sharp decline. I even still enjoy some of their menu items. But Burger King is trash, and the average BK dining room reflects that. Here’s where you start to see people that don’t have the best personal hygiene. There’s plenty of Kmart-chique. Might be some holes in the clothing. Definitely the type to make a scene and ask to speak to a manager. I guess that’s what charging $1 for 20 chicken nuggets will attract.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Little Caesars

The first time I went inside a Little Caesars was my true loss of innocence. I had obviously been exposed to fast food outfits before, but seeing what lay inside Little Caesars truly shocked me. The stained sweatpants. The body odor. The dental issues. Little Caesars has everything you’d expect from a place with $5 pizzas. It’s a true hell-hole, but it’s somehow not the worst. Bring children at your own risk.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

Wendy’s 800px-wendy27s_logo_2012-svg

In a vacuum, the outfits you’ll find at Wendy’s are virtually indistinguishable from the ones you’ll find at Burger King. It’s the same Wal-Mart 2 for $10 graphic t-shirts, the baggy jeans, the Avia shoes. But the fact that Wendy’s is the undisputed king of the Big 3 (McD, BK, Wendy’s) brings their rating way down. The customers are an insult to the food. Not to be an elitist snob, but coming to Wendy’s dressed like a homeless person should get you kicked out. You shouldn’t be served. You should have to submit some kind of proof that you’ve showered in the last 48 hours if you want Wendy’s. All these dirty scoundrels just bring down what should be an enjoyable dining experience. I turn my nose up the Wendy’s patrons, whether that makes me a bad person or not.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

1024px-kfc_logo-svg KFC

The mystery restaurant that inspired this blog. If you didn’t see KFC coming as number one, I don’t know what to tell you. If this starts even a bit of controversy I guess there’s a lot of people out there who have never entered a Kentucky Fried Chicken. The people at KFC are a different breed. And that includes myself. If my friends saw some of the things I’ve worn to KFC they’d never look at me again. Some of my worst, oldest, most stain-filled clothes can’t even make me the worst dressed, though, because the creatures that crawl out of the barrels of grease in KFC are truly something else. Imagine the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone wear, rip a million holes in it, add some prominent stains, some of the greasiest, most matted hair in human history, some very cheap and very worn out shoes, then make everything a size or two too big. Once you add the confrontational attitudes and indecipherable white-trash accent and you’ve got a special species of “human” that can only be found here. I hardly ever go to KFC, but when I do, I usually sit in the car for a few seconds considering whether or not I truly want to go in and face the crowd that awaits me. If I ever went to a KFC in a high end neighborhood (if they even exist), I think even the millionaires would be wearing some cheap $50 sweats. It’s just something about KFC that draws the worst out of people’s wardrobes. And I don’t think anything could ever change that.

Filth Rating: 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

NFL Draft Thoughts

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First Round of the NFL Draft was last night and there was a flurry of action. Trades, shocking picks, great outfits. It was a rip-roaring good time, despite the fact that, for the fourth straight year, I was not drafted in the first round. Obviously, I’ve got some thoughts on the proceedings, but I want to start with a little complaint. This isn’t an uncommon take by any means, but I hate the Primetime NFL Draft. It works for the NBA because the entire draft takes like four hours. The NFL Draft shouldn’t get three separate giant blocks of programming. Give me the first three rounds on Saturday afternoon and 4-7 on Sunday afternoon. It was a winning formula, and I, for one, would like to see it return. Anyway…

Best Picks

NCAA Football: CFP National Championship-Clemson vs Alabama O.J. Howard, Tampa Bay Bucs-

After years of teasing it, the Bucs finally were kind of okay last year. Jameis looked decent, the defense looked borderline good, the kicking game was highly drafted, they just didn’t have a lot of playmakers outside Mike Evans. Enter Howard, who somehow fell into their lap with the 19th pick. He’s a perfect fit for pretty much any offense, and will pair with Cameron Brate to form the new ~~Gronk-Hernanez~~ Gronk-Bennett tight end duo. Look for the Bucs to become the popular break out pick for the 1,000th year in a row.

NCAA Football: Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl-Alabama vs Washington Jonathan Allen, Washington Redskins-

I know there’s some serious concern about the fact that he has arthritis in his shoulders, but, in my mind, he was the best player in the draft and the R******* got him with the 17th pick. Unreal. For a team that was repeatedly gashed by opponents’ running games, this was like mana from Heaven. I know Reuben Foster fell, too, but this was the best value, in my mind. If I was picking in the top five I wouldn’t have hesitated to snatch him up. Yeah, it’s a huge bummer that his career will most likely get cut short, but he’s going to make an immediate impact and it wouldn’t surprise me to see him in the Pro Bowl next year. Besides, the leashes NFL coaches and executives get these days are microscopic. Even if he only plays four or five seasons, he’s going to be great for those four or five seasons. If your first round pick is a “bust” two years after being drafted, everyone in the front office is out on the street. I really don’t understand NFL teams’ thought processes sometimes.

NCAA FOOTBALL: DEC 31 CFP Semifinal - Peach Bowl - Washington v Alabama Reuben Foster, San Francisco 49ers-

I’m sensing a theme here. I don’t really know why everyone decided Alabama players are actually bad at football, but that’s why they’re picking in the first half of the first round. I know there’s some character concerns, but they wouldn’t scare me away from another guy who should have gone in the top 10. Yeah, he fought with a hospital worker, but I’m going to cut him a little slack because it happened in the high-stress environment of America’s favorite meat market, the NFL Combine. Yeah, he failed a drug test. What was it for? Oh, it was a diluted sample? So he drank too much water? Probably to cover up for the fact that he had *gasp* smoked a little weed? Can’t have him on my team. Listen, I know everyone says this, but I’m confident I could be an NFL executive. Matter of fact, I could probably build a post-Patriots dynasty in a few years, and my only qualification is that I’m not a gigantic idiot. 49ers made out like gangbusters all night.

Other picks I liked but don’t need to go into:

Jamal Adams, New York Jets

Christian McCaffrey, Carolina Panthers

Malik Hooker, Indianapolis Colts

Marshon Lattimore, New Orleans Saints

Worst Picks

6_5155781 Leonard Fournette, Jacksonville Jaguars-

This isn’t a knock against Fournette. He’s a beast and should be a great player until CTE catches up to him. But to take him at number 4? If you’re the Jaguars and have one of the worst offensive lines in the league? Why? Doing this works if you have the Cowboys’ Five Rulers of the Higher Plane at o-line. When you’ve got the Maginot Line blocking for him? Not so much. Why would you want your top five pick to constantly get punished and have to run into the line for no gain? Offensive line is their biggest need, and I get that there wasn’t a stud, top five lineman this year. Teams were obviously willing to trade up. You couldn’t just move down and get a few more picks? It’s not like the Jags are one player away or anything. If you don’t want to trade take one of the crazy talented defensive players available. This just feels like a huge waste.

hi-res-95d1700fcf0cd076d935a7980be3f349_crop_north Mike Williams, San Diego Chargers-

I could easily just copy and paste Fournette’s argument here. Williams is probably going to be a star. He’s a freak athlete who can dominate games on the outside. But the Chargers have so many more pressing needs. Their offensive line is worse than Jacksonville’s. They could use some defensive line help (if only someone like Jonathan Allen was available). Philip Rivers was fifth in the league in passing yards. Receivers weren’t the problem, especially if Keenan Allen can ever go a week without getting hurt. Add in the storied history of the other NFL receivers named Mike Williams and I can’t quite figure this out.

Besides not taking any of the Alabama guys, I actually think most teams made pretty good decisions. The NFL is all about quarterbacks. If you don’t have a good QB, you’re not winning, plain and simple. So I’ll never fault a team for drafting one, no matter the spot. If the Bears really think Trubisky is their guy, what choice did they have? It seems like a huge reach and a lot to give up, but if, five years from now, he’s a staple in the Pro Bowl those picks mean nothing. The Chiefs gave up a lot to take Mahomes, but if he fulfills his potential it’ll all be forgotten. Trades like these often get torn apart by hindsight, but if they pay off they’ll be some of the greatest trades in the history of their franchises.

Pick I’m Afraid to Comment On

Gareon Conley, Oakland Raiders

Best Available, According to Me

Dalvin Cook, RB, Flo Rida State

Malik McDowell, DT, Michigan State

Budda Baker, S, Washington

Cam Robinson, T, Alabama

Zay Jones, WR, East Carolina

Who I Want the Pats to Get

Zach Cunningham, MLB, Vanderbilt

Carl Lawson, DE, Auburn

Tim Williams, DE, Alabama

Ryan Anderson, OLB, Alabama

Best Dressed

Jamal Adams

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Corey Davis

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Takkarist McKinley’s Grandma

NFL: 2017 NFL Draft

Worst Dressed

Deshaun Watson

Malik McDowell

AP NFL DRAFT FOOTBALL S FBN USA PA

Haason Reddick

USP NFL: 2017 NFL DRAFT S FBN USA PA

The Pokemon Draft, Round 2

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As surely all of you know, the first round of the NFL Draft is tonight. I know all of you are eagerly waiting my NFL Draft Preview, but with the Pats out of the first round, my motivation was lacking a little. You can go anywhere on the internet and get a good mock draft (just because: Official Brian’s Den Top Five Players I’d want five years from now 1. Myles Garrett 2. Jamal Adams 3. Jonathan Allen 4. Malik Hooker 5. Corey Davis). Besides, I’m not an NFL talent evaluator. I’m a Pokemon talent evaluator. And there’s only one place on the web where you can get PFL mock drafts, and it’s right here. My breakdown of the first draft class was such a hit, I decided to bring my (few) loyal readers something different to chew on during draft night. The PFL was lucky- the inaugural draft class is arguably the deepest and most talented. This draft class? Less so. There’s some elite talent at the top of the draft, but after the top five or so it’s a bit of a wasteland and the back end gets ugly. But, that’s the curse of being the Mel Kiper of Pokemon. Sometimes you get to watch hours of Mewtwo picking apart defenses, sometimes you have to watch hours of Delibird throwing picks left and right. But, just like I can’t choose who’s available, the teams can’t either, and let’s just say teams are going to be very willing to trade their picks this year. Teams that struggled last year will likely find no solace here, but fret not, because the third draft class is historic (just a reminder that I have Big Boards for all seven generations of Pokemon). Remember, there are 8 teams in the PFL, so this top 32 Big Board is for the first four rounds of the draft.

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1. Tyranitar (DT/DE)

Absolute beast. Think Aaron Donald with a meaner disposition. His hands are lightning fast and strong as sledgehammers, and his legs never stop churning. He can line up anywhere on the defensive line in any system and thrive. Put him at nose tackle and he’ll singlehandedly shut down the opponent’s run game. Put him outside and he’ll lead the league in sacks. He’s got a bottomless bag of pass rush moves, but rarely needs to use them since he’s so much stronger than almost everyone he plays with. A cornerstone player and someone who can instantly elevate a defense to an elite level. Won’t play offense, but with more players entering the league, the need for two way players is lessening. A can’t miss prospect.

250px-212scizor

2. Scizor (WR/CB)

With the exception of Machoke, he’ll be the most talented receiver in the league from day one. He’s got the size, the speed, and the freak athleticism. He’s a faster Brandon Marshall, and he can dominate the red zone. It may be cheating a little, but those claws are perfectly designed to hold footballs and never let go. He rewrote the touchdown record books in college, and figures to do the same in the pros. He’s a passable corner who often relies on his own knowledge of the route tree to anticipate and jump routes, which can get him in trouble.

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3. Wobbuffet (T)

The best pure pass protector ever evaluated, Wobbuffet is perfect for the modern, pass heavy game. Has tremendous balance and a low center of gravity, and his long arms allow him to shut down pass rushers from any angle. Able to counter finesse or bull rushing moves, Wobbuffet is almost impossible to beat. The equipment staff will thank you for drafting him, since the quarterback’s jersey will never be dirty. A reactionary, passive player, Wobbuffet will struggle to set the tone in the running game, making him truly useful to only pass-first offenses.

250px-214heracross

4. Heracross (RB/MLB)

Ask anyone who’s ever played with Heracross who their favorite teammate is, and they won’t hesitate to name him. He leaves absolutely everything out on the field, and he’s someone you want in you foxhole when facing adversity. He’s also very talented. There aren’t a lot of high end running backs, and, though he won’t be an all pro at the position or anything, he’ll take the ball and be effective. He’s got good vision, a nose for the end zone, and is a battering ram of a runner and lead blocker. His true calling, though, is as a sideline to sideline middle linebacker. He’s got great instincts and is a film rat, never leaving the practice facility until he’s poured over every second of available tape on the opposition. He’s a hard nosed tackler, and routinely separates the ball carrier from the pigskin. Decent in coverage, Heracross never leaves the field. Whether or not he’s the best player on the team, he’ll be a leader in the locker room and a high character player to build around.

250px-249lugia

5. Lugia (TE/S)

Lugia emerged as a combine superstar, and the hype train predictably brought him to the front of a weak draft class, despite a lack of production in college. Some blamed poor coaching or said it was a bad fit, but the truth is he just didn’t really care all that much. He sleepwalked though virtually every game, emerging from his slumber on rare occasions to make eye-popping plays. The physical tools are obviously there. One look at him could tell you that. He’s big, strong, and explosive. The only question is was he bored against lesser competition or does he really just not give a shit? If he applies himself in the pros, look out. His size and wingspan make him uncoverable in the red zone, and his soft hands never let a ball hit the ground. He’s surprisingly elusive in the open field for such a big guy, and has refined route running skills. He’s listed at tight end, but is really more of a receiver and is a lousy blocker. Even when coasting, he’s a good safety, capable of playing centerfield or coming down into the box. Has great ball skills and closing speed. Has a tendency to hunt for interceptions and big hits, leading him to get out of position. Again, I’d be cautious drafting him. With the right coach and teammates, he could be a star. With the wrong ones, you’ll never hear his name again.

250px-160feraligatr

6. Feraligatr (G/DT)

A throwback to the days when men were men and concussions didn’t exist, Feraligatr is a mean, nasty, mauling interior lineman who likes nothing more than locking horns with the man across from him. He’s extremely physical and can wear down lesser-willed opponents. He excels in the run game, and takes a ballcarrier’s approach to blocking. He’s always going downhill and looking for the next man to take out. His pass blocking is lacking, since, according to him, the passing game is for cowards and he refuses to work on it. He has a personal grudge against any quarterback not on his team (and even then, not always) and, on defense, works tirelessly to hit the QB every play. He’s an explosive interior pass rusher who will account for some big hits and holding calls. He’ll draw more than his fair share of personal fouls, but he sets a physical tone on both sides of the ball.

250px-157typhlosion

7. Typhlosion (TE/DE)

Most drafts often have many talented players with serious character concerns that cause them to plummet down the rankings. Fortunately for Typhlosion, the rest of this draft class’ ceiling is to be an average player, so he can’t fall too far. There’s no way around it- Typhlosion is going to be a huge headache. He was ejected two times a year on average in college. He’s had numerous run-ins with the law. He’s the definition of uncoachable, and often bullies smaller coaches and teammates. Still, he’s a really talented player. He’s never going to wow you with his numbers, but that’s because, somewhat against character, he loves doing the little things. He’s a great blocker. He’ll set the edge and take on double teams so his teammates can make the tackle easier. He’s on the kick return, punt, and field goal units. But that’s not to say he doesn’t have gamebreaking ability. He’s a skilled route runner and a bear to bring down. On defense, he could get ten sacks a season if he committed to it. But that’s not him. He’ll be a great teammate and a great player to add to any contending team, until he isn’t.

250px-244entei

8. Entei (DE)

More than just a pure pass rusher, Entei can not only get after the quarterback but is stout against the run. He’s a leader on the field, and his teammates will often look up to him for his work ethic and production on the field. Durability can be a concern, as he missed parts of three seasons in college. His combine performance left plenty to be desired, as well, but his floor is still good enough to take this early.

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9. Ampharos (T/DE)

This is where the lack of talent in this draft begins to show. Ampharos is a fine player, likely to have a long career. But in any other draft, he’s not a top ten pick. Technically, he’s very skilled. His hand placement and footwork are good enough to be put on training tapes for young players. He’s a smart player and reads the game very well. He’s just not physical enough to ever reach the mountaintop. He’s not a great athlete and can be exposed by some of the freaks that rush the passer in the PFL. He can be pushed around in the run game, and isn’t the most mentally tough player. Still, he could be a pro bowler in the right circumstances. More of a right tackle than a left tackle, he can still be a part of an elite offensive line, but he’ll need tough, grittier players around him. On defense, put him as a 3-4 defensive end or 4-3 d-tackle to take up space.

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10. Delibird (QB)

Listen, it’s a quarterback’s league, and quarterbacks will always be valuable. Is Delibird the guy I’d want leading my offense? If I had a choice, no. But, just like the NFL, some PFL teams are destined to have shitty quarterback play for all eternity. And that’s what Delibird can provide. He’s got a solid arm and surprising mobility, but his decision making leaves plenty to be desired. If you roll with Delibird, you better have some fast, well-conditioned offensive linemen, because they’ll be running the other way a lot. It’s not all bad, though. He’s a good teammate and a good leader, and once he gets the hang of an offensive system, he can put up some big numbers. Just don’t expect to see his team in the Master Bowl.

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11. Raikou (DE/OLB)

An explosive pass rusher. Raikou seemingly exists only to get after the quarterback, and does so with reckless abandon. Gets around the edge quick and has tireless pursuit. Very one dimensional, though, and could quickly become merely a situational player if he remains awful against the run.

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12. Miltank (C/G/DT)

Miltank actually has good potential, but her conditioning is, to be honest, horrible. She’s an immovable object, both because of her strength and size, and because she’s so slow it looks like she’s not moving. Obviously better suited to nose tackle where there won’t be any pressure to rush the passer effectively. Good run blocker and impossible to get around in pass protection. She has a good mind for the game and is probably the best locker room presence in the draft, she just can’t go more than three plays in a row without needing a sub. If she ever figures out her conditioning she could be good for a long time.

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13. Skarmory (S)

The easiest comparison for Skarmory would be Aerodactyl. An aggressive safety who feeds off contact and stuffing the run. Certainly has more emotional control, but also lacks the elite athleticism. Skarmory is slow for a safety, and may ultimately be forced into a hybrid safety/linebacker role. Doesn’t have great range in coverage, but does the job as the last line of defense with excellent tackling. Has good instincts and great durability, never missing a snap in college. He won’t be a star, but he’s a serviceable player at a premium position. Don’t expect anything out of him on offense.

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14. Granbull (MLB/G)

One look at Granbull shows you exactly what you’re going to get. He’s a literal and figurative bulldog who will plug up the middle of the defense and shut down the run game. He’s a hard hitter who has never heard of CTE and will willingly throw his body around to make the stop. A student of the game, but lacks speed or elite athleticism, and can be exposed in coverage. Is a heady guard who makes up for lack of size with smarts and tenacity.

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15. Ho-Oh (S/OLB)

After spending three years on a religious mission, he is by far the oldest player in the draft and has virtually no upside. He is what he is at this point, which is better than most of the prospects in this class. He’ll fit in nicely to the hybrid linebacker/safety role that’s so popular now, but can adequately play both strong safety and 4-3 outside linebacker. He doesn’t have great speed, but he’s stout, smart, and mentally tough. He’s a leader who can handle more than his fair share of adversity. Won’t be a star but will contribute right away.

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16. Forretress (T)

You might be thinking this draft lacks offensive playmakers, and you’d be right. The dearth of skill position players is so pronounced that it’s propelled Forretress to the middle of the second round. Forretress is a divisive prospect, but he’s strong and impossible to get around on the outside. He’s slow as molasses and has all the game awareness as a bag of chips, and has trouble controlling his anger, to boot. Still, he has the tools to be a good offensive lineman.

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17. Crobat (WR/CB)

This small-school speedster turned heads at the combine and has rocketed up the draft board. The only thing holding him back? He can’t catch. At all. He makes Ted Ginn look like Larry Fitzgerald. His straight line speed is unmatched in this class, but all that does nothing if he can’t catch the ball when it’s thrown his way. Until (and really, if) he figures that out, he may be better served for special teams. But, in a draft like this, you should only pass on this kind of talent for so long.

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18. Houndoom (OLB/DE)

Houndoom has everything you want in an edge rusher: a quick first step, great pursuit ability, and a great motor. Wait, did I say he has everything? What I meant to say was he has everything except size, strength, and durability. He’s quicker than most offensive lineman, but he’s so undersized it almost doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t jump the snap perfectly and get around the edge right away, he’s better off on the bench. If anyone gets their hands on him, he’s completely out of the play. He doesn’t shed blocks well and can work himself into a frenzy when things don’t go his way. When he does jump the snap, though, it’s almost guaranteed to be a sack.

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19. Stantler (DE)

A mirror image of Houndoom, Stantler has the size and strength but lacks the speed. Better suited as a 3-4 defensive end where he can engage blockers and stop the run as opposed to chase down QBs. Durability is a plus, as is his work ethic. Picking him won’t get the fans excited, but your linebackers will appreciate it.

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20. Politoed (RB/WR/CB)

If you need a third down running back, Politoed is your man. His best attributes are his receiving ability out of the backfield and his blitz pickup. Won’t make people miss or run anyone over, but has a habit of getting just enough yards to keep the drive moving. He’s an unselfish player who realizes his limitations and embraces being a role player, something often found in water types. Ideally a slot corner so he can’t get beat deep as easily.

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21. Ursaring (T/DE)

Here he is. The ultimate swing-or-miss prospect of this class. Kicked out of school for a number of issues (assault charges, multiple cheating allegations, drug abuse, DUIs, the list is never ending), he hasn’t played football in over a year. Only take him if you have a strong organizational infrastructure in place. He’s got all the talent in the world though. He’s got absurd strength and can totally dominate a game on either side of the ball. That’s at his best, though, and we haven’t seen him at that level in a while. If he still has it and feels like behaving, watch out. If he doesn’t, well, watch out. Every time he plays, he totally kills one team’s chances of winning. It’s just a matter of which one.

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22. Quilava (RB/LB)

Would rank higher if fumbling wasn’t a serious issue. He’s a decent athlete who can make the occasional big play, but he puts the ball on the ground way too often. He’s a talented linebacker in coverage, especially in a cover 2 scheme, but can struggle fighting off blocks and tackling big backs. Has a fiery personality than can lead to penalties if no kept under control.

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23. Sneasel (WR/KR)

A jitterbug in the slot, Sneasel will never be big enough to be a true number one receiver. Doesn’t have the best hands and can struggle in traffic, but can make people look foolish in the open field. Versatile offensively, he can lineup in the backfield and catch passes or take the occasional handoff. He’s a skilled and reliable kick returner who rarely makes mistakes. Will usually miss a few games a year, as his frail body won’t hold up against a full professional season.

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24. Gligar (DB)

Gligar could be the prospect that comes back to haunt me. He’s got good ball skills, a good feel for the game, and good raw athleticism. He can play corner or safety, and has shown flashes of excelling at both. But when I watch him I just don’t see it. His technique breaks down too easily. He jumps routes too much. He’s undisciplined. He’s had some off the field issues. I just don’t trust him to maximize his talents. But at this stage in the draft, might as well take a flier on him.

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25. Croconaw (FB/LB)

At this stage of the draft, the talent level is beginning to severely drop, so taking a versatile player becomes the smart move. Croconaw can play either inside or outside linebacker and is a skilled lead blocker. Fullback is his best position, but he considers himself a linebacker first. It’s an attitude you like to see, but the production he’ll provide is another matter.

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26. Noctowl (OC)

I feel like people think I’m overstating how bad this class is, but a coach is on the Big Board. A coach! PFL is a little different than NFL-you can draft coaches if you so choose. Getting an offensive mind like Noctowl might be a smart move. He’s an innovative play caller, and is never afraid to be aggressive. Great talent developer, especially with quarterbacks and receivers. If you already have your quarterback, taking Noctowl, sucking next season, and taking one of the many elite playmakers in next year’s class is a good formula for long term success.

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27. Donphan (DT/G/C)

I may be underrating Donphan, but personally, I’m not a fan. He’s too slow, too stiff, and too unhinged to ever become an all pro in my eyes. Being strong and aggressive aren’t the only things that make a good lineman, and Donphan’s technique is seriously lacking. He doesn’t work hard in practice and rarely studies film. In other words, there’s a reason he’s so low on my board.

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28. Hitmontop (RB/QB/S/CB)

Like his cousins Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan, Hitmontop grew up playing quarterback. Once hitting the college ranks, though, he quickly learned his future didn’t lie under center. Size is a serious issue, and, offensively, it’s limited him to being a second- or third-string running back with the possibility of completing a trick play every now and then. He’s better as a defensive back, but size and a lack of top-end speed hurt him there, too. He’s unafraid to stick his nose in and make tackles, but he’ll be chasing a lot of receivers that beat him deep.

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29. Aipom (QB/CB)

Imagine Colin Kaepernick, if Colin Kaepernick was a foot shorter and threw with his tail. Aipom is like if Darren Sproles played QB. He’s tiny and elusive, and just kind of flings the ball as hard as he can every play. Is he good? No. Is he exciting? Yes. Hey, backup quarterbacks have to come from somewhere.

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30. Girafarig (T/DE)

I know no one wants to read this about draft prospects, but Girafarig is pretty much just a roster filler. He adds depth and can sometimes play at a relatively high level, but he just doesn’t have a ton of natural talent. He’s a good, unselfish teammate who can fill in nicely for injuries or when the better players need a breather. It’s not exciting, but it’s valuable.

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31. Quagsire (TE/DT)

A common theme in this draft class, Quagsire is just too slow to ever make much of an impact. He’ll be a good blocking tight end or a rotational d tackle, but nothing more than that. He has soft hands, so fantasy owners may want to pay attention to him in the red zone.

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32. Smeargle (QB)

It’s no secret that Smeargle would rather be pursuing a career in art rather than football, but when you’re one of the few Pokemon with thumbs, you have to at least be a backup QB. Ideally, he’ll never see a second of game time. But he’s a good luxury to have. His arm isn’t great and he’s immobile, to say the least. But he’s surprisingly accurate, and can easily turn and hand the ball off until the starter is ready to come back in.

NEXT FIVE

N/A

Coaching Prospects

Slowking, Murkrow, Furret

Future Mascots

Sudowoodo, Togepi, Chikorita

Many People Are Wondering Where Jonas Valanciunas Fits in to the NBA’s Eastern European Crime Syndicate

Unfortunately for the viewing public, the Raptors beat the Bucks handily in Monday night’s pivotal game 5. It would be surprising if they didn’t win the series, meaning we, as a nation, will be subjected to at least four more games of slow, iso-based, boring possessions that end in a Demar Derozan mid-ranged jumper, a Kyle Lowry miss, or a forced Serge Ibaka 3. It’ll be great watching them fail miserably against Cleveland. Just great. But, while everyone else is watching the visual-Ambien that is Toronto Raptors basketball, I’ll be paying attention to one man- Jonas Valanciunas. It’s taken a lot of hard investigation and dangerous undercover work, but I’m just about ready to go public with his exact role in the NBA’s Eastern European crime syndicate known as The Drazen’s Head. Never heard of them? Consider yourself lucky. Just hearing the name of the organization is enough to put your life at risk. It’s only a matter of time until Pero Antic shows up on my doorstep. What’s their racket? Drugs? Weapons? Gambling? Human trafficking? Fundamentally sound passing? A little bit of everything, if we’re being honest. They’ve terrorized the NBA underworld for far too long, and it’s about time someone blew the lid off this thing. I’ve spent years of my life infiltrating their ranks and earning their trust, and it’s time I release my findings. It’s a complex hierarchy, but I’ve managed to meet almost every noteworthy member of the Drazen’s Head.

The Mastermind

Vlade Divac- Who else could it be? What’s the old saying? “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn’t exist?” Well, the greatest trick Vlade ever pulled was to convince the world he was an idiotic buffoon incapable of intelligent thought or decision making. You can believe Vlade to be the bumbling GM of the Kings who would trade DeMarcus Cousins for Buddy Hield, but I know the truth. I’ve seen the real Vlade. Born on the war-torn streets of Serbia (to save myself some time, just assume everyone from here on out was born on war-torn streets), he was raised by violence. He was always destined for evil, but his size, strength, and, above all, his intellect quickly brought him to the top of Yugoslavian organized crime. When he moved to the U.S., it was time for him to start his own family. It started out small-time, but as the NBA grew more international, his influence grew. As ruthless as he is smart, the chaos that surrounded him in his early life gave him a insatiable desire for control. Even though the Drazen’s Head has expanded exponentially over the years, he still has a hand in everything. No decision is made without his approval. And if you cross him? Well, just think about what happened to Andris Biedrins. And, of course, as a respected crime leader, he never goes anywhere without his bodyguard.

Nikola Pekovic- Besides the obvious- size, brute strength, intimidation factor- no one is quite sure how Pekovic rose to such a prominent role in the organization. He’s not particularly smart of business-savvy. What separates him from the other muscle that makes up the majority of the Drazen’s Head’s ranks? Does he have dirt on Vlade? Not likely. Vlade is too careful to allow someone like Pek to blackmail him. My thoughts? It’s pretty simple: he’s resourceful and Vlade trusts him. He knows he can control him and he knows he has Pek’s undying loyalty. So, despite coming to the NBA twenty years after Vlade and being little more than an elevated grunt, there he is at the top of the Drazen’s Head. He’s at every big meeting. He’s with Vlade for every big decision. He helps move product. He helps collect debts. He’s an intimidator and an enforcer and, in Vlade’s eyes, one of the most important members of the Drazen’s Head. Don’t let his looks fool you. If you go in to an encounter with Pek without a precise plan of attack, he’ll destroy you. I’ve seen what he does to Vlade’s enemies, and friend, you don’t want to be on the other end of it.

The Consigliere

Peja Stojakovic- When Peja was hired by the Kings to be the GM of their D-League team, no one batted an eye. He’s a legend in Sacramento and BFFs with Vlade, after all. But I knew the real reason Vlade needed his old running mate close-by. Peja has served as Vlade’s right hand man since the moment the two met. Peja has the perfect personality to serve as the consigliere to the Drazen’s Head leader- he’s patient, quick on his feet, wise, and always knows how to walk Vlade off the edge. Many people owe their lives to Peja convincing Divac to spare them (only if it benefitted the Drazen’s Head, of course). Most importantly to Vlade, though, is the fact that Peja is unambitious. Much like his playing career, Peja is just fine being the second or third option, so Vlade knows he has nothing to worry about from his most trusted advisor. He consults him on just about everything, from who they should blackmail to where he should eat lunch.

The Up-and-Comer

Nikola Jokic- It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Much like Michael at the beginning of The Godfather, Jokic was supposed to be the one that went legitimate. But circumstances change, and now he’s flying through the Drazen’s Head ranks with record speed. It’s no mystery why, either: Vlade sees himself in Jokic. He has the same business acumen, the same strategic genius, the same ambition to become more than the situation he was born into. It’s not uncommon to see Vlade take Jokic with him to big meetings so he can see how the business truly operates. There’s little doubt of where Jokic’s future is headed. The only question is, when it comes time for him to be the head of a crime syndicate, will he start his own family or try and take over the Drazen’s Head. I just hope he doesn’t underestimate Vlade.

The Hitman

Pero Antic- The ultimate eraser. If Vlade wants someone dead, the Macedonian Monster usually doesn’t waste too much time. I’ve had the great fortune of never meeting him in person, because the list of people who have and are still around to talk about it starts and ends with Vlade Divac. All the information I have on him is solely based on whispers and hearsay. Some say he’s never missed a shot. Some say he once killed five men in a minute with nothing but a gardening shovel. Some say the sun sets because it’s afraid of seeing what he’ll do at night. Some say he served as the main inspiration for John Wick. I say if you ever hear the name Pero Antic you run as far in the other direction as possible.

The Foreign Correspondent

Zydrunas Ilgauskas- Obviously, since the Drazen’s Head is, at its core, an Eastern European organization and do much of their business there, they need someone watch over their overseas holdings. That’s where Big Z comes in. In the absence of Vlade, he’s responsible for making sure they remain a well oiled machine. That involves overseeing production, arranging transportation of both men and products, serving as a dispatching officer for the many members of the Drazen’s Head who are no longer in the NBA, and making sure no one forgets that Vlade is always watching. Sure, Z might seem like a slow, lurching, Frankenstein-esque science experiment, but that’s because he is. He’s also fiercely loyal and wouldn’t even consider making a decision without consulting Vlade. Known to randomly kill one Drazen’s Head member with his bare hands a year to keep up appearances, Z essentially serves as a vassal for Vlade’s indomitable will and is willing to do anything to stay in his good graces (and to keep his position).

The Young Guys

Kristaps Porzingis, Sasha Pavlovic- Watch any show or movie about the drug trade and you’ll notice there’s always a younger guy doing a lot of the ground work- moving product, recruiting new blood, organizing deals, and keeping an eye out for the law. These two are the head Young Guys for the Drazen’s Head, with Kristaps taking over the main U.S. operation and Pavlovic moving to Europe. Sasha was Vlade’s first runner when he first came to the NBA, but within a few years the culture gap limited how much action the Drazen’s Head could really get in the league. But, since he still looks exactly the same (i.e., like every young Eastern European mobster ever), he resumed his same duties when he went back to Europe, and, needless to say, is doing very well.

Kristaps fits the role perfectly. As a guy who spent much of his childhood with cornrows and has pretty much dropped his accent to pick up a Brooklyn one, he’s more…relatable than most other members of the Drazen’s Head. Add in his influence in New York City and you have a very valuable member of the organization. Drazen’s Head business has soared in the short time Kristaps has been in America. The other players around the league find him likable, and it gives him an inside track to fulfilling their recreational needs. He’s recruited countless new runners and dealers, and is beginning to establish himself among the higher ranks of the Drazen’s Head. The only thing that could hold him back is the lack of a mean streak.

The Driver

Sarunas Jasikevicius- Every criminal organization has a driver. He drives the getaway car, pilots the private jet, steers the boat, flies the helicopter, you name it. A grease monkey who has earned Vlade’s complete trust, Sarunas handles all of the Drazen’s Head’s transportation needs. To eliminate middle men, Vlade sends him to Europe with the Drazen’s Head’s custom plane every time they need to bring something over to America. He’s Vlade’s chauffeur. He’s evaded the police so many times he can do it in his sleep. He can drive (and fix) anything. He’s not much of a thinker or a bruiser, but not everyone can be the kingpin.

The Tinkerer

Andrei Kirilenko- Just about the only place on Earth Vlade Divac is hesitant to tread is Andrei Kirilenko’s lab. The Drazen’s Head’s chief chemist and weapons engineer, Kirilenko is responsible for just about all of their movable product. Never satisfied and more than willing to use himself as a test subject, AK47 is a true mad scientist. During his career with the Drazen’s Head, he personally claims four of the five deadliest heroin outbreaks in U.S. history as his own creation. Recently delving into meth, Kirilenko’s lab has become dangerous for only the most cautious and cognizant. Earning his nickname long before choosing to wear number 47, Kirilenko is also a weapons and explosives expert who has thirteen different patents on 9mm handguns alone. He’s a bonafide genius and master gunsmith, as well as a world-class marksman. You’d think someone like this would have more power, but the eccentric Kirilenko much prefers his lab toys to the company of others, and is far more concerned with his next invention than making money for the organization.

The Enforcers

Jusuf Nurkic and his dad, Marcin Gortat- If you’ve ever seen an NBA player of Slavic descent, you know that the vast majority of them fall into the ranks of the Drazen’s Head’s most abundant resource- hired muscle. From Miroslav Raduljica to Rasho Nesterovic to Jake Tsakalidis to Boban Marjanovic, the Drazen’s Head is rife with huge, hulking strongmen who can rip a man in half with their bare hands. Many contribute the Drazen’s Head’s rise to the brute force and intimidation of most of their foot soldiers. They’re the ones collecting debts, delivering packages, and spreading fear in the name of the Drazen’s Head. But despite their loyalty to their leader, surely Vlade can’t monitor his troops 24/7. Who enforces the enforcers? Well, after a nearly successful coup was lead by former Drazen’s Head goon Zaza Pachulia (I’ll spare you the details on why he’s a former member), Vlade decided to appoint two generals to act as governors and ombudsmen in his stead. His first choice was a seven foot, 400 pound Bosnian riot cop who once beat up 14 men at once. It just so happened that Hariz Nurkic had a son in the NBA. Forming the ultimate fire and ice duo, Hariz, the stoic, immovable golem, and Jusuf, the brash, immovable braggart, the Nurkic Boyz are some of the Drazen’s Head’s most powerful weapons. Capable of defeating an entire battalion by themselves, no one dares cross them. They earn the respect of their underlings with one stern look, and have even contributed some useful ideas from time to time. They employ absolutely brutal tactics against their enemies. Speak to them at your own risk. His second selection was the Polish Hammer, Marcin Gortat. Where the Nurkics’ earn loyalty out of fear, Gortat earns it out of devotion. A father to his men, Gortat is quick with a joke or a helping hand, but is always the first one in the fray when something needs to be done. He leads by example, and has no problem getting in one of his men’s faces and ripping them a new one, because he knows he can build them back up stronger than before. Even the business owners he holds up for payment rave about him. He has no doubt extended his time at the top of a dangerous game thanks to his new toy, Przemek Karnowski.

The Cleaner

Jonas Valanciunas- For years, I paid no mind to Jonas. I just thought he was more muscle. After all, the only times I saw him he was leaving the scene of a hit or shootout. With so many other power players, why concern myself with yet another huge goon? Well, I started to notice something when I never saw him with any of the other guys. He never ate with them, never drank with them, nothing. I asked a couple of guys about him and they hardly knew his name. Having infiltrated pretty deep into the Drazen’s Head at this point, I knew he was the last piece of the puzzle. The last mystery to be solved. Acting on a hunch, I went with a party going to take out an important member of a rival gang. My first such mission, I decided to feign an injury so I could sit and observe. We lost the element of surprise quickly, and a firefight broke out. Just as quickly, it ended when Boban went on a rampage and destroyed everything in the house and mutilated the bodies of our mark and his associates. Almost on cue, Jonas entered the room. Everyone fell silent and started to leave. He looked around the room, then looked at me. He gave me a nod that said “either leave now or be prepared to help me do whatever it is I’m about to do.” I didn’t waste any time hightailing it out of there. The next day, I went back to the house and found no trace that we were even there. The furniture was replaced, the bullet holes were filled, the bodies were gone, the blood stains removed, it was a modern miracle. There wasn’t even a note in the paper about the deaths. I have absolutely no idea how he did it, but he made everything disappear. I went on three more of these missions and every time it was the same thing. We’d go in and shoot up the place, he’d come in and clean it up. It’s magic, the speed at which he works. I can’t imagine how much money and headache he’s saved the Drazen’s Head by eliminating legal problems before they begin. At great risk to my own safety, I was able to look at the Drazen’s Head’s payroll, and a mysterious entity known only as “JV” was the fourth highest paid member. The lower ranking guys I talked to about it were dumbfounded. Even the most in-the-know couldn’t figure it out. Well, I think I understand it now. And it’s definitely money well spent.

It feels good to get all of this off my chest. The results of a lifetime spent undercover for one of the most dangerous crime syndicates in the world. Fear not, I used an alias, so it might be a while until they trace this back to me. Their technology is still from the late 90s, and I’m not sure if they have access to Google yet. To be safe, I burned all of my adidas track suits, random Serbian league soccer jerseys, Drakkar Noir, and gold chains. Depending on how quickly the FBI moves, I may have to go into witness protection. Only problem is, I’m not sure a government safe house could protect me from the Macedonian Monster.

I Guess I’m Not an NHL Expert ☹️

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Soooo, yeah. First round of the NHL playoffs officially ended yesterday and my predictions didn’t do too great. I’m trying to spin this into a positive, but I’m coming up empty. 2 out of 8 isn’t good no matter what you’re talking about. Even my beloved Bruins, who, as everyone knows, I’ve written about extensively in the past, shit the bed against an inferior team. Actually, maybe I am an NHL expert now that I think about it. The NHL Playoffs are known for being unpredictable. They’re built on the philosophy that anything can happen if you get in. There’s literally no difference being the one seed or the eight seed. It’s like March Madness, and unpredictability is just as important to the NHL as the Sacred Hand Shake Line. So really, correctly predicting the outcome of a series is worse for the game than getting things right. If I can get everything right, then the NHL will become what it hates: the NBA. If the better teams consistently win and prove that performing well in the regular season actually matters and has an advantage, why would Hockey Guys even care anymore? It’s all about the Crazy Tournament, bro. The NHL should thank me. They should award me with the Lady Byng Trophy this year. I should be enshrined in the Hall of Fame for Special Contributions to the Game. Getting six series wrong is really like getting six series right. I should become a new champion for Online Hockey Guys. I’ve arguably done more for hockey than Gretzky at this point.

Alright, I’m Back. I’m a hockey expert again and I’m pumped up. Let’s tackle these Second Round Series.

East

Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins

Part of me is nervous for the Choker’s Club, since usually if a team like the Caps holds off the clear signs of an epic, epic collapse in round one, they can recover and go on a run. But, they’re playing the Penguins, who they always lose to. And if they somehow win, odds are they’ll be playing the Rangers, who they always lose to. I’m feeling good about the Caps, folks. No need to worry.

Prediction: Penguins in 6

New York Rangers vs. Ottawa Senators

I don’t really know how the Bruins lost to the Senators, because they suck. Besides Karlsson (who was apparently playing with a broken foot all series. Funny how these injuries that hockey players are “quietly fighting through” always get leaked so everyone can tell them how tough they are), they don’t really have any skilled players, everyone’s just tough and tries hard. Well, that was supposedly the Canadiens’ big thing this year. They had the toughness and added some players who are actually good. And the Rangers should have beat them at least a game earlier. This one could be over quick.

Prediction: Rangers in 4

West

Nashville Predators vs. St. Louis Blues

When I think hockey, the first two cities that come to mind are Nashville and St. Louis. Who will win this historic series of longtime NHL powers? Nashville certainly looked like the team to beat in round one. I mean they totally dominated the Blackhawks. They didn’t have a chance to win a game. It looked like a college team going up against a high school team. They were completely superior in every way, and had all the ingredients you look for in a potential Stanley Cup Champion. Which is why I’m positive St. Louis will win this series.

Prediction: Blues in 7

Anaheim Ducks vs. Edmonton Oilers

The Ducks are just so forgettable. They easily swept the Flames, but no one is even considering talking about them. They’ve been the same solid team for years now. They also lose in the second round every year. The Oilers, on the other hand, are awesome. They’re fast, skilled, and young. In sports, teams like the Oilers usually have success against teams like the Ducks. Considering the Oilers are one of two teams I correctly predicted to advance, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on them.

Prediction: Oilers in 6

MLB Thoughts

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As you’ll all surely remember, I spent way too much of my time breaking down every division in baseball before the season began. Well, now that we’re about 20 games in, I’d say we can clearly see how this season is going to go and that absolutely nothing will change. Since baseball doesn’t really lend itself to the big, juicy storylines basketball and football do on a daily basis, I think the best way to handle my award-winning baseball coverage is just a brain dump every couple weeks or so. Some rapid fire takes on the first few weeks of the season:

First off, I have to put this here:

RT .RedSox: Never Forget: Chris Sale DOMINATED yesterday. https://t.co/7SzzcQyAbs pic.twitter.com/gZXxPwDOg2

— Never Forget Bot (@forgetmebot) April 21, 2017

If you’ll excuse me, I need a few minutes to myself

I’d like to congratulate myself for having the foresight to take Eric Thames in the 20th round of my fantasy draft. They always say you can’t teach height and you can’t teach speed, well you also can’t teach a champion’s intuition.
While we’re here, I’m getting sick of everyone being so jaded about everything. It’s mostly led by the Unwritten Rules Gestapo and John Lackey who can’t understand why someone who hit 40 homers a year in Korea can hit meatballs thrown right down the middle out of a major league ballpark. I don’t know, John, maybe because he’s clearly got Luke Cage-like strength and you’re grooving a dick-high fastball down the heart of the plate at like 91 mph. Maybe that’s why he took you deep? Why don’t you go leave your wife when she has cancer again, asshole. Baseball can be so annoying at times like this. When Jeremy Lin came out of nowhere, the NBA celebrated him and promoted him and he became an international star. Baseball gets a great story (guy couldn’t hack in the bigs, goes to Korea and dominates, then comes back and starts hitting longballs left and right, showing he always had the talent) and instead of embracing him, they start lobbing steroid accusations at him and look for any way to discount his success. Great job, MLB! No point in capitalizing on a great opportunity to appeal to Korean fans who might want to follow him to the majors or giving the people of Milwaukee something to be happy about this season since he’s probably cheating anyway! And people wonder why Mike Trout ranks 10th in jersey sales. Baseball is just totally clueless when it comes to marketing and promotion, and making games shorter isn’t going to change that.
Taking a quick look at the standings, and who is that at the top of the NL West? The Colorado Rockies? In first place? And they’ve allowed the fourth fewest runs in the National League? Did anyone predict that? Oh, wait, I did? Weird how that worked out.
Since I know everyone is dying to know about my player in MLB 17 The Show, here’s a quick career recap: I was drafted by the Pirates as a power hitting outfielder, which I wasn’t thrilled about, but I wasn’t about to go to college and come in to the league as an old man, so I accepted it. I was such a stud they called me up to the majors in June and I won Rookie of the Year at the ripe age of 18. Midway through my second season, I was traded to Oakland for some reason, which I was fine with, since if I have to be stuck somewhere for 6 years, might as well be somewhere I can look good. The team sucked but I was playing well. Then, after like a month, they trade me to Tampa Bay. Add in a season ending injury after the All Star break, and, needless to say, I was unhappy with my situation. But I just finished my third season, where the team predictably was under .500 and I hit 51 homers. Were my other numbers like on base percentage, strikeouts, and fielding percentage just as good? Well, it’s hard to say. But my confidence is riding high, even if I have to spend the next four goddamn years playing in Tropicana Field.
“Blue Jays are the best team in the American League East!”
We don’t really need to talk about the Rangers and Mariners sucking, right? I mean people are allowed to get a few things wrong.
Is Bryce Harper Back? Sure looks like it.
Remember when Avisail Garcia was supposed to be the next Miguel Cabrera and then everyone bailed on him because he sucked? Well, jokes on you because now he’s going to hit .400 this year. Glad I never left the bandwagon.
Shout out to fellow UConn Husky George Springer for hitting a million leadoff home runs. His mother and I are very proud of him.
I know the Braves are trash but do people realize how good Freddie Freeman is? He’s pretty much been the best player in the NL since last year’s All Star break. 259 OPS+ to start the year.
R.I.P. Starling Marte fantasy owners.
I really like how many pirate puns the Pirates’ broadcast team uses every game.
Am I worried about what the Red Sox are going to do at third base since it looks like Pablo Sandoval isn’t Back? A little. Am I worried that Mookie Betts cares more about not striking out than hitting home runs? Kind of. Am I worried that David Price seemingly wants to get surgery so he can steal $30 million this year? Yes. Yes I am.
What were the designers thinking when they made the backs of the Diamondbacks’ jerseys a darker shade of gray than the already dark shade of gray they use for their away jerseys? It makes the black numbers virtually illegible. If they just used a normal gray they’d look fine.
Every time I pull up Padres highlights and hear Don Orsillo dejectedly call the action in front of a half-full NL West crowd I just get depressed. Then I hear him start to crack up with Mark Grant more than he used to with Jerry Remy and I get mad at Red Sox ownership again.
Yes, the Yankees have started out great. Somehow I heard about it. But instead of rolling my eyes at the typical, Joba-esque media driven hype train, I’ll remind everyone that I said before the season that they’d make the playoffs before the season started.

I think that’s all I got for now. Sorry for not breaking down last night’s Braves-Phillies game. Maybe next time.

There’s a Chance I May Be Living by Cursed Water

Ship Graveyard - Uncharted

source– Settled just about 5 feet below the surface of the water in the shadow of the Stratford Avenue Bridge, three ships from the early 20th century lie undisturbed and slowly disintegrating.

The three ships’ stories of navigating waters did not end as tragically as other shipwrecks Nick DeLong has studied, but it’s just as important to preserve their history underwater, he said.

“There are only a few examples of (these canal barges) that we have and these three are stacked on top of each other,” said DeLong, who is a nautical archaeologist.

DeLong, along with John Bean, an ocean hydrographer, and Jeff Pydeski, a project scientist, both from Ocean Surveys, based in Southington, have been working to collect data on shipwrecks along the Connecticut coast for about two weeks, and Bridgeport Harbor was a recent stop. The surveys are helping them to better understand the state of the wrecks now and how the sites might be affected by future storms or other environmental factors.

“Super storms could pick up wrecks and move them,” DeLong said. “Hurricanes and the health of the seas can play a large role in where these wrecks are today.”

“The best we can do is understand it,” he noted.

The survey work is being financed by the state Historic Preservation Office, and R. Christopher Goodwin & Associates, where DeLong is based, has been tasked with analyzing the data collected at the shipwrecks. About $8 million in grants from the federal government was given to the SHPO after Superstorm Sandy in 2012 to be used to survey and collect data on historic sites along the coast that are at risk when major storms hit, according to Doug Royalty, the state Historic Preservation Office Hurricane Sandy Disaster Relief Grant coordinator. These sites have been both on land and underwater.

While it’s unlikely Superstorm Sandy made a large impact on the three Bridgeport Harbor ships, DeLong said the data available on the three boats will be more complete now.

Alright, I’m going to start by saying I realize this isn’t exactly a national or pressing issue. If you don’t live within 10 miles of the Brian’s Den this doesn’t affect you at all. But, it very much affects me, which, in turn, affects you. So, whether you like it or not, you need to care about Milford, Connecticut, if only for the next five minutes. Anyway, now that that’s established, on to the matter at hand.

Despite never signing up for it or expressing any desire to receive it, I still get the Milford-Orange Bulletin delivered to my door. Usually, I just toss it. For someone with such a wide scope of interest, small town news means next to nothing for me. But this time, something caught my eye. The front page read “Scientists conduct survey of shipwrecks in harbor.” I paused. Anything ocean- or boat-related will always hold my attention. The more I read, the more concerned I got. These scientists weren’t just looking at a random boat at the bottom of a river. This was a bonafide ship graveyard. And they’re going to blame things like storms? Are you kidding? Three ships don’t just sink in the exact same place like that. No, I can already read your mind. Who cares? It’s all just random. What’s the big deal? Well, friend, if I lived somewhere else, this wouldn’t be a big deal at all. The only problem is, I live a stone’s throw from Charles Island.

Never heard of Charles Island? I’m not surprised. It’s not the kind of place the mainstream media wants you to know about. Well, start by reading this. Go ahead, I’ll wait. You done? Do you see why I’m concerned? This tiny patch of land, less than five minutes from where I live, has been hit with three of the most powerful curses known to man. Cursed Pirate treasure. Cursed South American Treasure. And, the coup de grâce, it’s ancient Native American land. People disappear around it. People come back from the island making crazy claims about flaming specters. People die on the island. I walked along the beach during the Blood Moon in 2015. When I saw the island, a chill ran through my core. The air was thick with a macabre energy. I could feel the presence of the countless phantoms and dark spirits that live on the island. The shadow creatures that call the hidden caverns underneath the island home were skating across the ice cold water like Apolo Anton Ohno. Though the strip of land connecting the island to the mainland would have soon been exposed, I didn’t have the guts to stick around and wait. The island’s curse is as real as real can get. There’s not a doubt in my mind the island caused all of those shipwrecks. Those three ships are the tip of the iceberg. I bet if you dive to the ocean floor anywhere close to Charles Island and you’d find a thick layer of decaying ships. I’m not opposed to blaming every New England shipwreck on Charles Island. Considering the power of the three curses, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bermuda Triangle is somehow related.

So what does it all mean? Well, it put my plans of buying a boat and living off the ocean on hold until I move a little farther away. In fact, I may need to scrap them altogether. I’ve swam in those waters. Am I cursed now? Will this follow me wherever I go? I don’t feel cursed, but maybe it’s dormant. What happens the next time there’s a blood moon? Do I have to start sleeping with one eye open in fear of whatever demonic denizens of the dark depths around Charles Island come knocking on my door? Am I living the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean 6? How much longer do I have to live? I hope they wait until the Patriots go undefeated again before they brutally murder me. I already know I have no way of lifting this curse-it’s powers are way beyond my abilities. My chances of survival are thinner than LeBron’s hair. The only chance I might have is to try and outrun it. Next time there’s any kind of eclipse I pretty much have to go off the grid. Go as far away from Charles Island as humanly possible. But I’ve got a feeling it’ll catch up to me even if I’m halfway around the world. I never should have left Vermont.

The Celtics Make Me Sad

NCAA Basketball: Butler at Fordham

The Celtics were never going to win the Championship this year. Anyone who thought they had any chance in today’s NBA landscape is a fool. Anyone who thought they should mortgage the future to try and “win-now” is also a fool. They’re not beating Cleveland with Jimmy Butler. They’re not beating Cleveland with a few months of Paul George. And they’re certainly not beating Cleveland by trading one of the Nets picks for half a season of Serge Ibaka. People thought they should have given up a first round pick for Serge Ibaka! Are you serious? In this year’s draft class, would Ibaka be a top four pick? Hellllllllll, no. Besides the fact that DeMarcus Cousins and Nerlens Noel, two players they definitely could use, got moved for absolutely nothing, and the fact that they haven’t been able to rebound since 2010, keeping the assets at the deadline was the smart move. I was fine with however deep into the playoffs they went. Assuming they got out of the first round, that is.

The Celtics are about to become the first number one seed to ever get swept in the first round. They’ve been absolutely dominated by a crappy Bulls team that was the eight seed for a reason. Besides Isaiah Thomas, everyone should be ashamed of themselves. By the way, as someone who has been very harsh on Playoff Isaiah (comparing anyone to Playoff Kyle Lowry might have been the meanest thing I’ve ever written), if you come out of this postseason with anything but respect for Isaiah, something’s wrong with you. To have to deal with something like that and come back and play, let alone play well, is something not many people could do. Anyway, every weakness the Celtics have has been quickly exposed: they can’t rebound, they can’t defend the paint, they can’t really shoot, no one but Isaiah can score, and everyone’s (mostly Marcus Smart’s) shot selection has been horrible. They’re going to lose to the eight seed, and it’s going to be embarrassing. But again, I knew the Celtics weren’t winning the title. Besides the pain of losing in the first round, I don’t mind (that much) losing early to avoid getting let down later. What I’m worried about is GM Danny Ainge panicking and trying to change everything to win right away. Now that they won 53 games with an incomplete roster awaiting a star from the draft, might as well throw away that potential for draft success so you can trade for Andre Drummond, right? That’ll push them over the top! LeBron just had one of his best statistical seasons this year. He’s not going anywhere for a few years. It’s okay to let the team marinate organically until he’s gone. Considering the nature of Boston fans, a win-now move is going to be called for enthusiastically. The impatient rabble of Bostonians who are used to having one of the best teams in the league won’t be happy to sit and wait for young guys to develop. After all, Dave Dombrowski works in the same town. But it’s the right move. And I think Ainge is smart enough to realize it. The only problem is, he’s the worst drafter in the history of mankind.

It’s easy to say now, but they could have Giannis, Draymond Green, Nikola Jokic, Khris Middleton, and Jimmy Butler as a starting five. He traded up to get Kelly Olynyk. He passed on Draymond, Middleton, and Jae Crowder, who they traded for a mere two years later, so he could take Jared Sullinger and Fab Melo (R.I.P.) back to back. He took Marcus Smart, he of the under 30% career 3 point shooting percentage (but he plays good defense!) over Julius Randle, whose 9.4 career rebounds per game might help them right now, Zach LaVine, who was breaking out as a creative scorer before getting hurt this year, Jusuf Nurkic, who emerged as an interior force in the second half of the season, Rodney Hood, who can actually shoot 3s, and Nikola Jokic, who, to be fair, was an unknown Euro who fell to the second round. He took Terry Rozier, who stinks, over Bobby Portis, who is currently destroying the Celtics this series, then took R.J. Hunter over Montrezl Harrell and Willy Hernangomez, both of whom would be the best rebounder on the team. HE TOOK J.R. GIDDENS OVER DEANDRE JORDAN!!! It’s too early to judge this year’s draft class, but they sure could use the shooting Buddy Hield or Jamal Murray showed this season. That’s a horrible track record. It’s the worst carnage these eyes have ever seen. And I’m supposed to trust this man to make the most important draft decision in 20 years? On the off chance the Celtics don’t get screwed in the lottery, he’s probably going to take Isaiah Hartenstein number one overall. No one in the world loves anything more than Danny Ainge loves acting like he outsmarted everyone. He could have had the top pick in 2003 and would have taken Chris Kaman just because everyone would have expected him to take LeBron. The opportunity is going to be there to take Markelle Fultz, easily the best player in this class, and he’s going to pass on it because he’s an arrogant dumbass who would rather die than make the conventional pick. Literally nothing that has happened since the 2008 title tells me I should trust Danny Ainge in the draft. Avery Bradley is the only pick that unquestionably worked out. Every other first round pick either sucks or was taken before a franchise-altering player that could have them in position to maybe compete against LeBron one of these years. The Knicks and Nets both have better recent draft records than the Celtics, and the Nets haven’t had a pick since Lyndon B. Johnson was in office. No one in the world is worse at anything than Danny Ainge is at drafting good NBA players. But, hey, they have a lot of picks! It has to work out! Not with him calling the shots. Just let me make all the draft picks. I’ll only take the obvious guy, and if it doesn’t work out, history will be kind to me since I did the consensus thing. Not trade up to get an unathletic, short armed, white Canadian over Giannis Antetokounmpo, who is literally the exact opposite of that description. But whatever, at least the Red Sox are good.

Old Packet of McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce sells for over $14k

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source– A 20-year-old dipping sauce from McDonald’s sold for nearly $15,000 after a mention in the show Rick and Morty.

A listing for the Szechuan sauce, which was released as a promotional product for the Disney movie Mulan, closed with a winning bid of $14,700.

“I just bought a really old car, while cleaning it I found a packet of this sauce.,” the listing states. “After watching the recent episode of Rick and Morty I went online to see if it was worth anything. Turns out it was. Also this comes with a packet of wasabi as well.”

The premiere of Rick and Morty’s third season featured main character Rick citing the sauce as his series arc even “if it takes nine seasons.” The episode spurred fans to petition McDonald’s to bring back to sauce, especially as a live action-version of Mulan is set to be released in 2018.

Several petitions have been added on Change.org, the largest with over 35,000 signatures.

Some quick background on this: during the season 3 premiere of Rick and Morty which was aired on April 1st, Rick mentioned how he missed this Szechuan Sauce (Rick and Morty Review: It’s very good. Rating: 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀). Since Rick and Morty has such a strong cult following, it’s only natural that people would take this idea and run with it. There’s a petition and everything. Knowing how the fast food world works, I have to commend the guy that sold this for cashing in on it before McDonald’s inevitably brings it back. Flipping an old packet of dipping sauce you randomly found that’s either toxic or completely fine at this point (not sure which is a worse scenario) for basically $15,000 when it’s going to be on sale for less than 50 cents within the month is some true thievery. Whoever bought it might be the dumbest person who ever lived, or at least someone with absolutely no foresight or experience when it comes to the fast food industry. Anything with a petition is almost always brought back. McDonald’s brought the McRib back like, 100 times and literally five people in the world were clamoring for it. I’m thinking of petitioning Burger King to bring back their green apple slime dipping sauce they had when I was a kid. And to go back to the old style of chicken nuggets when they were just strips and were good. They were way better than Chicken Fries and these cheap nuggets they have now. If I had more than ten friends I could probably get a bunch of signatures for both things and become the hero that Made Burger King Great Again. You really think McDonald’s is going to ignore 35,000 signatures for something as easy to produce as a dipping sauce? I’m sure there’s only one or two different ingredients in it than their barbecue sauce, too. This is such a slam dunk PR stunt for them there’s virtually no reason for them not to do it. And you just spent $15,000 on one cup? You, sir, are an IDIOT.

I will say for the people who signed this petition, though, be careful what you wish for. Some things are better left in the rose-colored world of our memories. There’s a reason some things fade into the sunset. Just think of the saying “Never meet your heroes.” Remember Chicken Selects? During their first run I couldn’t get enough of them. When they brought them back, I had them once, they weren’t as good as I remembered, and I never considered getting them again. P’Zones were awesome when they were first around. Then they got discontinued and for some reason Pizza Hut brought them back. Now they’re pretty much poison. I never had this sauce when it was around so I don’t really have any idea of the flavor or anything, but I’d be willing to bet that the diehards out there who were the first to sign the petition might not be so thrilled that McDonald’s brought it back after they try it. This is just a piece of advice for the fast food industry and it’s consumers: let’s keep some things exclusive. You know what I haven’t really wanted in a while? McDonald’s breakfast. Once they made it all day there was no reason to go anymore. Waking up in a state of questionable health, realizing you only had 30 minutes, then making it there in time was such a rush. It was a high that helped get me through college. Now? Why go to McDonald’s early if I can get it all day? Might as well go to a real place for breakfast. When Burger King brought back Chicken Fries but then kept them permanently, there was no rush to go try them anymore since you knew they’d be there tomorrow. It’ll probably be the same thing with this sauce. Unless they slap it with a Limited Time Only label, after the first week no one’s gonna be scrambling to try the Szechuan Sauce. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Taco Bell is the only one that handles these the right way. They’ll introduce some crazy new menu item, get the buzz going, take it off the menu after about a week, replace it by bringing some beloved menu item back, get more buzz going, take it away after a week, rinse, repeat. They’re masters of continuing hype and leaving the people wanting more. McDonald’s? Not so much. They left the Big ‘N’ Tasty on the menu for a decade and sold less than ten of them. They don’t exactly have their finger on the pulse of what the consumers want. So I fully expect them to bring this sauce back, announce that they’re adding it permanently to their menu, and ruin any hype they had built up. Just par for the Mickey D’s course these days.

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