Random Thoughts, Round 2


I’m back with the second edition of random thoughts. If you’ve forgotten how this works, I’d like to congratulate you on your NFL career. Not everyone gets to the mountaintop. Anything I want to talk about but isn’t enough for a full post gets dumped here. Let’s jump right in.

They Still Make Rock Band?

I saw recently that they’re coming out with some DLC for Rock Band 4. Huh? Who still plays Rock Band? That era was before I was in high school, and they’re still coming out with new stuff? That’s some truly startling news. I never got the whole fad, anyway. Guitar Hero sucked. Rock Band was only fun because you could play it as a group. I was pretty bad at the game, but hand me the mic and I’ll burn the place to the ground. Not even Through the Fire and Flames could stop me. I was the George Michael of Rock Band. But to play it in 2017? No thanks.

#Nomorenoonmeals has Changed My Life for the Better

Even since I gave my two cents about lunch and introduced the world to the #nomorenoonmeals movement, I’ve found myself subconsciously eating lunch later and later. It’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I eat when I want to. I eat when I’m hungry. I’m happier when I eat, which makes me happier for the rest of the day. It deepened my resolve that society’s rules on eating are antiquated, counterproductive, and, overall, completely pointless.

NFL Denies Josh Gordon Reinstatement

Seriously? Listen, I’m not a weed guy. I’m not a “pothead” as the kids say. But this is going on like three years now. It’s the easy comparison to make, but Ray Rice was originally suspended two (2) games for beating the shit out of his wife. Terrell Suggs poured bleach all over his kid, beat up his wife at least twice, and was caught having a minor armory’s worth of guns in his house and didn’t get suspended once. Michael Floyd had a DUI and was back on the field the next week. But Josh Gordon gets three years because he can’t stop smoking weed? Makes sense.

Why do You Have to Buy So Much Celery?

I really should save this for the next installment of Burning Questions (coming soon-ish), but it’s too fresh in my mind right now. How come every time I need to get celery I need to buy about a metric ton of it? Why can’t I get like two or three stalks? If there’s a celery shortage in the world, I’m probably responsible, since I throw away 90% of the celery I buy. I need it about once every two months, and I need to buy farmer Brown’s entire harvest every time. I’m not about to start eating the extra celery or anything, either. Seriously, have you seen the bags of celery grocery stores sell? It’s absurd. Just let me get what I need.

For Real This Time, Get This Bum-Ass Wizards Team Out of My Face

I’m going to be seriously upset if they have to play a game 7. If the Celtics played my old high school team they wouldn’t have beaten them down as badly as what happened last night. You might be able to consider that kind of massacre a hate crime. Wizards are, and have always been bad. Please just end it Saturday night.

Apparently, Floral Prints are IN this Spring and Summer

Well, would you look at that? Looks like I’ve been fashion forward my whole life without realizing. As a proud Flower Guy and a definite Hawaiian Shirt Guy, I wear floral prints year round. Pretty much since I’ve been old enough to actually afford my own clothes floral has dominated my closet. Like most trendsetters, though, my impact is never felt in the moment. It takes years for a movement like this to take place, and I’m glad I could be at the front.

Fossil of Oldest Known Baleen-Whale Relative Unearthed in Peru

Funny. I thought the oldest known baleen-whale relative was your mom.

Speaking of Your Mom, Don’t Forget to get her something for Mother’s Day

Despite the fact that I’ve spent the majority of my life disappointing my parents, I’ve never forgotten Mother’s Day (I think). So make sure you do something for your Mom this Sunday, whether it be getting her flowers, taking her to dinner, forgetting to call until 9 p.m., sending a card in the mail first thing Monday morning, or going another year without giving her any grandchildren. Now, I don’t have a podcast (yet), so I don’t have any promo codes to get you a special offer from 1800flowers.com, but that doesn’t get you off the hook. Don’t be the guy that forgets about Mother’s Day.

MLB Thoughts


As you’ll all surely remember, I spent way too much of my time breaking down every division in baseball before the season began. Well, now that we’re about 20 games in, I’d say we can clearly see how this season is going to go and that absolutely nothing will change. Since baseball doesn’t really lend itself to the big, juicy storylines basketball and football do on a daily basis, I think the best way to handle my award-winning baseball coverage is just a brain dump every couple weeks or so. Some rapid fire takes on the first few weeks of the season:

  • First off, I have to put this here:

If you’ll excuse me, I need a few minutes to myself

  • I’d like to congratulate myself for having the foresight to take Eric Thames in the 20th round of my fantasy draft. They always say you can’t teach height and you can’t teach speed, well you also can’t teach a champion’s intuition.
  • While we’re here, I’m getting sick of everyone being so jaded about everything. It’s mostly led by the Unwritten Rules Gestapo and John Lackey who can’t understand why someone who hit 40 homers a year in Korea can hit meatballs thrown right down the middle out of a major league ballpark. I don’t know, John, maybe because he’s clearly got Luke Cage-like strength and you’re grooving a dick-high fastball down the heart of the plate at like 91 mph. Maybe that’s why he took you deep?  Why don’t you go leave your wife when she has cancer again, asshole. Baseball can be so annoying at times like this. When Jeremy Lin came out of nowhere, the NBA celebrated him and promoted him and he became an international star. Baseball gets a great story (guy couldn’t hack in the bigs, goes to Korea and dominates, then comes back and starts hitting longballs left and right, showing he always had the talent) and instead of embracing him, they start lobbing steroid accusations at him and look for any way to discount his success. Great job, MLB! No point in capitalizing on a great opportunity to appeal to Korean fans who might want to follow him to the majors or giving the people of Milwaukee something to be happy about this season since he’s probably cheating anyway! And people wonder why Mike Trout ranks 10th in jersey sales. Baseball is just totally clueless when it comes to marketing and promotion, and making games shorter isn’t going to change that.
  • Taking a quick look at the standings, and who is that at the top of the NL West? The Colorado Rockies? In first place? And they’ve allowed the fourth fewest runs in the National League? Did anyone predict that? Oh, wait, I did? Weird how that worked out.
  • Since I know everyone is dying to know about my player in MLB 17 The Show, here’s a quick career recap: I was drafted by the Pirates as a power hitting outfielder, which I wasn’t thrilled about, but I wasn’t about to go to college and come in to the league as an old man, so I accepted it. I was such a stud they called me up to the majors in June and I won Rookie of the Year at the ripe age of 18. Midway through my second season, I was traded to Oakland for some reason, which I was fine with, since if I have to be stuck somewhere for 6 years, might as well be somewhere I can look good. The team sucked but I was playing well. Then, after like a month, they trade me to Tampa Bay. Add in a season ending injury after the All Star break, and, needless to say, I was unhappy with my situation. But I just finished my third season, where the team predictably was under .500 and I hit 51 homers. Were my other numbers like on base percentage, strikeouts, and fielding percentage just as good? Well, it’s hard to say. But my confidence is riding high, even if I have to spend the next four goddamn years playing in Tropicana Field.
  • “Blue Jays are the best team in the American League East!”tenor
  • We don’t really need to talk about the Rangers and Mariners sucking, right? I mean people are allowed to get a few things wrong.
  • Is Bryce Harper Back? Sure looks like it.
  • Remember when Avisail Garcia was supposed to be the next Miguel Cabrera and then everyone bailed on him because he sucked? Well, jokes on you because now he’s going to hit .400 this year. Glad I never left the bandwagon.
  • Shout out to fellow UConn Husky George Springer for hitting a million leadoff home runs. His mother and I are very proud of him.
  • I know the Braves are trash but do people realize how good Freddie Freeman is? He’s pretty much been the best player in the NL since last year’s All Star break. 259 OPS+ to start the year.
  • R.I.P. Starling Marte fantasy owners.
  • I really like how many pirate puns the Pirates’ broadcast team uses every game.
  • Am I worried about what the Red Sox are going to do at third base since it looks like Pablo Sandoval isn’t Back? A little. Am I worried that Mookie Betts cares more about not striking out than hitting home runs? Kind of. Am I worried that David Price seemingly wants to get surgery so he can steal $30 million this year? Yes. Yes I am.
  • What were the designers thinking when they made the backs of the Diamondbacks’ jerseys a darker shade of gray than the already dark shade of gray they use for their away jerseys? It makes the black numbers virtually illegible. If they just used a normal gray they’d look fine.
  • Every time I pull up Padres highlights and hear Don Orsillo dejectedly call the action in front of a half-full NL West crowd I just get depressed. Then I hear him start to crack up with Mark Grant more than he used to with Jerry Remy and I get mad at Red Sox ownership again.
  • Yes, the Yankees have started out great. Somehow I heard about it. But instead of rolling my eyes at the typical, Joba-esque media driven hype train, I’ll remind everyone that I said before the season that they’d make the playoffs before the season started.

I think that’s all I got for now. Sorry for not breaking down last night’s Braves-Phillies game. Maybe next time.

Random Thoughts


Starting up a new feature here in the Brian’s Den, just because I appreciate my readers and like to keep introducing new menu items because if you blind people with how many choices you have, no one notices the food isn’t great. It’s called Random Thoughts (I put a lot of effort into naming my segments, if you couldn’t tell) and it’s pretty much just things that I wanted to talk about that didn’t warrant a full blog. Be it small complaints, small sports takes, whatever. Got it? Good. Let’s get into it.

Do Russell Westbrook’s triple doubles mean anything?

So today I finally went to get a haircut (more on this later) and was surprised that the TV was tuned in to the take-hole that is Colin Cowherd’s FS1 show. He was debating himself on if Russell Westbrook tying Oscar Robertson’s long standing record for triple doubles actually meant anything. And I’ve heard both sides of it, from people saying it’s totally meaningless to he unquestionably deserves MVP. While my full thoughts on his MVP-candidacy are coming soon, I have to say it’s stupid to say the record is meaningless. It has to mean something. It’s undeniable that the media has grown absolutely obsessed with triple doubles. If you have 33 points, 9 rebounds, and 8 assists you had a bad game. It’s kind of cheapened them, in a weird way. But even still, it shows how much he does on the court. I mean, sure, his teammates work harder boxing out their man so Russell can get uncontested rebounds than anyone has ever tried for anything and he has the ball in his hands every second he’s on the court so it’d be more impressive if he wasn’t averaging 10 assists, but it has to mean something. No one’s done what he’s doing in fifty years. That’s impressive no matter what it is. But it shouldn’t mean he’s a shoo-in for MVP, though, either. If the argument for him as MVP is entirely based on him averaging a triple double, would he not be MVP if he was averaging 9 rebounds a game? Everyone loses the ability to think rationally when it comes to triple doubles. It’s an incredibly impressive statistical feat, but he’s also on a team that’s not going to do anything in the playoffs and the fact that he’s the biggest ball hog of all time might actually be holding them back. He’s not the MVP.

I got a new phone

I’m finally taking myself out of the stone age and getting a new cell phone. No longer will my pictures look like cave drawings. No longer will I have to delete three apps every time I want to take a video. No longer will my phone conveniently fit into one hand, since all the new phones are the size of a small book. I go the Verizon store, tell my man Reggie I need a new phone, and I perused their various wares. A lot of great options, no doubt, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Some have facial recognition. Some are waterproof and don’t need cases. Some have professional-quality cameras and video editing software built in. Some are literally more powerful than a supercomputer. Some jerk you off and wipe your ass at the same time. Pretty much the only negative I saw is that the iPhone 7 Plus doesn’t have a headphone jack anymore. Unless you buy an adaptor or have bluetooth headphones, you can’t charge the phone and have headphones in at the same time. It’s stupid and annoying and I hate it. Needless to say, I went with the iPhone 7 Plus.

Haircut Update

For any of you who remember my barber dilemma, I finally mustered the courage to go out and get a haircut, and, shamefully, I couldn’t get myself to go to a different place. I walked in, and standing in the same place as always was my barber. He didn’t move. He didn’t even go on vacation! I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about the last time I went. Whatever, at least I look good. That’s all that matters.

Chris Sale Starts Tonight for the Boston Red Sox

Can’t believe it’s actually happening, but Chris Sale is pitching tonight. For the Boston Red Sox. At Fenway Park. It’s not Opening Day. As in, the Red Sox are so stacked, Chris Sale was not the first pitcher they threw out there. And other teams in the American League are still thinking of trying this season. What a crazy time we live in.

It annoys me that it doesn’t matter that the Cavs are a horrible team once the playoffs start

The Cleveland Cavaliers are a horrible team. They STINK on defense, their players are always fighting each other, LeBron is in full subtweet mode, the Celtics are going to beat them tonight and solidify their hold on the number one seed in the East. Nothing is going their way and none of that matters. Once the playoffs start they’re going to flip the switch and become the team that won the title last year. They’re going to win every Eastern series in at most six games. It’s just annoying and predictable. I hate the NBA sometimes.


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