Author: Brian

England’s Smallest Castle is up for Sale

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source– HERE’s a great chance to make your home an actual castle – for a mere £550,000.

This Grade II listed building appears to be the UK’s smallest castle, with just a single bedroom.

Molly’s Lodge once served as a gatehouse to the Weston Park Estate in Warwickshire.

It now sits surrounded by trees in on a 0.61 acre site near the village of Long Compton.

The pyramidal roof, mullion windows and limestone turrets certainly give it a strong, if squashed, appearance.

But though you might imagine a long history of defending the landscape, in fact the mini fort was constructed in the 1830s by Edward Blore.

The famous British architect also restored Lambeth Palace and completed the enlargement of Buckingham Palace for Queen Victoria.

At first glance, this place seems like the ideal place for the first International Brian’s Den. The quaint small-scale architecture. The charming, expansive garden. The tranquil lake, perfect to have my afternoon tea and crumpets next to. It looks like a nurturing environment for the type of strong takes the Brian’s Den is known for. But I’m a little hesitant to commit to this, though. Before I fork over 550,000 of my hard earned quid, I’ll need a full, comprehensive tour, because, as everyone knows, a castle is only as good as its secrets.

The first question I would have is is it haunted? Do the restless spirits of all those who were held in its hellish dungeon and executed in the courtyard roam the halls, harassing and attacking anyone unfortunate enough to step inside? Do specters of the fallen soldiers who lost their lives in the numerous battles for control over this all-important piece of land guard the gates, stinking down any unwanted visitor? Do the suits of armor that line the corridors have minds of their own? Is there a dangerous creature, created either by curse or experiment gone wrong, who now has free reign of the grounds, ever searching for its next meal? If yes, I’m out. And not for the reason you think. I could handle some ghosts. Once you live there for a while and establish you want the best for the castle, the phantoms will leave you alone. They may even come to respect you. They’ll fight you a little on the upkeep, since no self-respecting ghost will allow their castle grounds to look clean and healthy, but they might relent eventually. It’s mostly for the lack of privacy. Nothing draws curiosity like a haunted castle. Every night you’d have to deal with stupid kids looking for thrills. Every night you’d have to deal with lost travelers, since the only places they’ll ever stop are haunted castles, not the town a mile down the road. You’d have to deal with news crews looking for a story, authors looking to write a book, actors researching for a role, it’d be never ending. It’d be impossible to have a moment’s peace. How could I be expected to accurately predict the entirety of the NFL season and give in-depth movie reviews if I have to clean up a new pile of dead bodies every day? No thanks. If it’s haunted, someone else can have it.

The second most important thing is the basement. The gallery doesn’t show one, but I know it’s there. And I’m not talking about the basement that holds all the extra stuff or the wine cellar. I’m talking about the secret basement. The one that has a laboratory and magical knick knacks. Does this castle come with a live-in wizard? Will he take requests or just do whatever he wants? Or, even better, does it have the tools for me to become a wizard? Does the library have the forbidden tomes I need to master the dark arts? Does the lab have the right equipment for the various alchemical experiments I’m going to do? Will I have have access to all the various stones, bones, relics, and other sacred/accursed artifacts I need to make contact with other planes of existence? There’s no tower, so will I have a way to use lighting to power some of my bigger experiments? And are there any rival wizards close by? It’s a highly competitive community and I don’t want to get blindsided when some old warlock down the street comes in and trashed my lab out of jealousy.

Thirdly, what kind of defenses does this place have? There’s not really a moat or any kind of wall. Are there some trebuchets and ballistas in the shed? What about cauldrons so I can pour molten hot liquid on attackers? Are the doors strong enough to withstand a battering ram? Will I have some kind of militia? Does it even have an armory? Judging by the pictures, the odds of that don’t look so great. In fact, it doesn’t even look like it would come with a sharp set of knives or gardening tools. So if, for some reason, this castle doesn’t have some type of magical lair and, since in this scenario I’m the owner so we know it isn’t haunted, no supernatural forces are on my side, how am I supposed to ward off invaders? Is this castle built to survive a siege attempt? How much punishment can these walls take before they come crashing down? Not to sound ignorant about an area of land I may soon own, but what kind of landscape am I dealing with? Do I have any natural advantages or is it at the bottom of a valley with no access to anything? Is there even a throne room where I can make my final stand? If not, this castle might be next to useless. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to pass on this. The search goes on for the first expansion opportunity.

NBA Playoff Preview

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Finally, we’ve reached the playoffs. The culmination of months of grinding, battling for seeding, chasing triple doubles, feuding, and some of the most impressive individual performances we’ve ever seen, but no one cares about the regular season, right? Just think, it’ll only be another six months of basketball before the inevitable Cavs-Warriors re-rematch. Just kidding, the playoffs are only five months long. Seems like only yesterday I was handing out the awards for the season, but now I’ve got to bring you my take on each playoff series, just because I care (a little tidbit I forgot to add when telling you why Russell Westbrook should not be MVP: according to OddsShark, the Thunder’s projected over-under for wins before the season was 43.5. The Rockets were at 41.5. But keep telling me how Westbrook is playing with a bunch of bums). Let’s jump right in, starting with the series that might take a few years off my life. If you think this format looks similar to my NHL Playoff Preview, you’re right. It’s the exact same. If it ain’t broke…

East

Boston Celtics vs. Chicago Bulls

On paper, this should be a mismatch. It’s the one seed vs. the eight seed. It’s a top 10 offense vs. a bottom 10 offense. It’s a team that can’t shoot 3’s against the second best team in the league defending the 3. It’s one of the three best coaches vs. a coach who garners no respect and has no control of the locker room. The only two things the Bulls have is the superior team defense and the best player in the series in Jimmy Butler. Every other rational advantage goes to the Celtics. But this series lives outside the rational. What happens if Playoff Rondo comes back? What if when he first steps onto that parquet floor in game 1 he gets a little of that juice back and starts dropping triple doubles left and right? What if he steals game 1 singlehandedly? What if he unnerves Isaiah just enough that Jimmy Butler is able to put him in his back pocket in crunch time? What if Dwyane Wade, arguably the worst 3 point shooter ever, randomly catches fire from 3, like he seemingly does every playoffs/every time he plays the Celtics? And, of course, there’s the inexplicable fact that the Bulls have won 20 straight games played on TNT. Three of the first four games are on TNT. I really don’t know how to feel about this Celtics postseason. I won’t care if they lose to the Cavs, but I’d be a little pissed if they lost to anyone else, especially the Raptors. They just have to get out of the first round. That’s the only thing I ask. Just please beat the Bulls. If you can.

Prediction: Celtics in 6

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Indiana Pacers

I’m not sure we’ll even get the full Cavs playoff experience here, just because they won’t need it. The stats don’t really matter in this series. The Cavs have LeBron and the Pacers don’t. That’s all that matters in the first round. I’ll be interested to see how Paul George plays, though. He’ll either go balls to the wall and try and put the team on his back, leading to everyone saying “look at this guy he’s doing it all! Someone get him out of Indiana!” Or, he’s going to tank it so everyone goes “someone get this guy out of Indiana, he can’t compete with this roster!” Either way, I think he’s gone during the offseason.

Prediction: Cavs in 4

Toronto Raptors vs. Milwaukee Bucks

Despite the fact that it involves the Raptors, I’m actually excited to watch this series, mostly because I think these might be the two teams in the East that, in a perfect world where the NBA resembles March Madness, might have a chance of beating Cleveland. Neither will, but both might win a game or two and get my hopes up. Anyway, this is actually a pretty even matchup. Both teams are in the bottom ten in offensive pace and 3 pointers attempted per game, so those of you who pull up old clips of 90s basketball and hard fouls during your alone time will be in for a treat. The Raptors, despite their plodding pace and mid-range heavy approach, actually had the second best offense in the East by offensive efficiency. And it’s an imperfect statistic, but the Bucks were fourth in the league in field goal percentage. So both teams have efficient offenses, but where the Raptors were a top 10 team in defensive efficiency, the Bucks tied for 17th. The Raptors have the more complete team, but a lot of things favor the Bucks. They have by far the best player in the series Giannis Antetokounmpo, at worst the fourth best player in the series Khris Middleton, and, debatably, the fifth best player in the series Malcolm Brogdon. Greg Monroe could eat the Raptors second unit alive down low. The Raptors beat the Bucks 2 of the 3 times they met in the regular season, but Jabari Parker was still playing and Khris Middleton was still out for both Raptors wins. The Bucks win in March is the only game you can realistically draw anything from. Plus, Toronto’s best players struggle (to put it kindly) against size. The Bucks built their team based solely on size and length. These teams are almost perfect reflections of each other, only the Bucks are a funhouse mirror.

Prediction: Bucks in 7

Washington Wizards vs. Atlanta Hawks

Please, someone save from having to watch this series. This series is going to stiiiiiiiiiiink.  In an unforeseen development, the Hawks will extend their streak of playoff series played primarily on NBATV to 1,000,000 years in a row. I really hate Dwight Howard. Like, really really really hate. I can’t stand him. I hate his fake personality, I hate the way he completely destroyed the Magic, I hate his passive-agressive bullshit, I hate that, despite the fact that he is literally carved from granite and looks like he can rip a car in half with his bare hands, I feel like I could bully him, and I hate that he thinks he’s this refined post scorer who you have to keep feeding so he can pick defenses apart, when in reality his limited skills have only gone down and his refusal to embrace his role as a better DeAndre Jordan cost him at least four productive seasons. There’s a reason his teams always suck, and it’s him. I want him out of the league. I want him to have a career ending injury. I wouldn’t really mind if he died. I will always pick against Dwight. Especially when his team ranks 27th in offensive efficiency. 27th! Out of 30! All of Paul Millsap’s excellent defense is flushed down the drain when you build your offense around Denis Schroeder and Dwight Howard. John Wall might average 5 steals a game this series.

Prediction: Wizards in 5

West

Golden State Warriors vs. Portland Trailblazers

This series kind of bums me out because I like the Blazers and wish they weren’t just first round fodder for the Warriors. I feel so bad for Damian Lillard. He was just born at the wrong time. After getting snubbed yet again for the All Star Team, he averaged 29.7 points with .467/.413/.884 shooting splits. I mean, in a normal season, averaging 27, 6, and 5 with good percentages will get you some MVP talk. Now? He’s not even going to make an All-NBA team. Just a brutal time to be a point guard if you want any recognition.

Prediction: Warriors in 4

San Antonio Spurs vs. Memphis Grizzlies

It feels like these teams meet every year, and if this is anything like last year, this is going to be a mercifully short series. Despite Memphis finishing in the top half of the league in 3 pointers attempted per game, we pretty much know what we’re getting out of both these teams. It’s going to be slow, it’s going to be physical, the defense is going to be airtight, and the Spurs are going to sweep because they’re just flat out better. They may run into some trouble next round, but they can sleepwalk through this one. Not that Pop will let them.

Prediction: Spurs in 4

Houston Rockets vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Needless to say, this is a huge series for me, because I could very well end up with a giant egg on my face. Harden and Westbrook facing off for seven games on the hardwood, not just the internet streets. Now, it’d be easy to say this is going to boil down to an extended game of one-on-one, and it very well might, I think it’s going to be the other guys who make the biggest difference. The teams’ strengths and weaknesses match-up pretty well, with the Rocket’s second ranked offense against the Thunder’s top ten defense, and the Thunder’s 17th ranked offense against the Rockets’ 17th ranked defense. I would imagine the Thunder would control the glass considering they led the NBA in total rebounding, offensive rebounding, rebounding rate, and rebounding differential. Both have elite perimeter defenders (Patrick Beverly and Andre Roberson) who will undoubtedly spend the majority of the time guarding the other team’s MVP candidate. Beverly is as close as you can possibly get to being a Westbrook stopper, especially if he dives at his knees all game again, and Roberson’s length and positioning can disrupt even the best offensive players. It’s probably going to come down to the three point line. The Thunder defend the 3 point line decently, finishing in the top half of the league in opponents’ percentage, and the Rockets were only about league average shooting it. But they just shoot so many. They’re relentless. It’s their entire gameplan. On the other side, the Rockets were top five defending the 3. The Thunder? Dead last in shooting. No team in the league shot the 3 worse. Casting up all those bricks against a team that set the record (again) for most 3s made in a season is a death sentence in 2017.

Prediction: Rockets in 7

Los Angeles Clippers vs. Utah Jazz

I’m conflicted about this series. On one hand, I hate watching the Clippers and like watching the Jazz, so naturally I would like the Jazz to win. On the other hand, if the Jazz do too well in the playoffs, Gordon Hayward might be more inclined to stick around and not come to Boston. This is a bit of clash of opposites with the Clippers taking a top four offense against the Jazz’s third ranked defense, but both rank in the bottom half of the league in pace, so it’s not exactly going to be like the ’07 Warriors-Mavs first round. Jazz are pretty decent on offense, and the numbers say the Clippers are pretty decent on defense. And they have three good defensive players with CP3, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, and DeAndre Jordan, but they’re the Clippers. It doesn’t matter who they face, they’ll break down at some point. The Jazz’s defense is almost perfectly built to stop the Clippers offense: length on the perimeter, strength in the post, and Rudy Gobert in the middle. Maybe I’m just sick of the Clippers and the whole “is this their year?” act, but I can’t see them winning. And if they beat the Jazz, they’re just going to get absolutely massacred by Golden State yet again. Do the players actually want that? Does Chris Paul really want to get put in a blender by Steph Curry for the millionth time? Actually, he probably does because it gives him four more games to yell at his teammates. The Jazz would at least be able to put up a fight against the Warriors. Maybe the Celtics don’t need Hayward. After all, Ainge would just trade him to get Rondo back, anyway.

Prediction: Jazz in 6

So, just how correct are these picks? I’m guessing very. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s no upsets in the NBA, because I picked two lower seeded teams to win. That’s more than what usually happens. Honestly, there’s not a ton on the line in the first round this year, aside from complete humiliation if a top seed loses. Only the Celtics really need to win. Everything else is all individual. Who will win the battle of former teammates turned MVP combatants? How much will Paul George try? How will Gordon Hayward perform as lead dog on a playoff team? Who will CP3 bitch at first? Will Isaiah Thomas or Kyle Lowry have a worse playoff run? Will anyone, on either team, take a swing at Dwight Howard? So many questions, but will there be enough answers? Only time will tell.

2016-17 NBA Awards

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After a seemingly never-ending slog, the NBA regular season has finally come to an end. Sure there’s tons of playoff storylines, but we’ll get to those another day. Plenty of things need to be discussed now, though, that don’t involve the postseason. The Nets’ late-season run was stopped before they could truly jeopardize the Celtics future. The season couldn’t have ended fast enough for the Lakers, whose ill-advised hot streak nearly took them out of the bottom three records in the league, which could have disastrous results for them in the lottery. Tony Romo’s storied NBA career is coming to an end, so it’s important we remember his numerous contributions to the game. But most importantly, it’s time to hand out the awards for this season, and I’m willing to give you one more award prediction piece for you to read. For those of you with short memories, here’s where I thought things stood at the All Star break. Has anything changed? Or has it all stayed the same? Who’s making the All NBA Teams? Where do I stand on the Great MVP Debate? Patience, friend, we’ll get to it in time.

Most Improved Player: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

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I just want to start this off by saying I spelled his name right by memory. Please hold your applause until the end of the show. There’s going to be a lot of words spent on some of the other awards, so might as well start with one of the easiest calls to make. Giannis turned 2016’s late season experiment into a season-long show. Surprisingly, a seven foot freak athlete with a 7’3′ wingspan, the biggest hands in the history of mankind, a point guard’s ball handling and decision making skills turned out to be a pretty good player. Imagine that. I know at least the Celtics didn’t expect that. Good thing the Celtics draft record is so spotless outside this one oversight. Got to love Danny Ainge! (*sobs inconsolably*) Listen, the guy lead the Bucks in pretty much every statistical category and has his team firmly in the coveted No One Wants To Play Us slot. Oh, yeah, he’s only 22 and hasn’t even learned to shoot yet. This won’t be the last award he wins in his career.

Apologies To: Rudy Gobert, Nikola Jokic, Otto Porter, James Johnson

Sixth Man of the Year: Andre Iguodala, Golden State Warriors

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It feels weird not to just give this to whatever microwave scorer had the highest scoring average amongst reserves, but no bench player was more valuable than Iguodala, and it’s about time he’s recognized for his years of consistent play. His numbers seem modest, but dig even a little deeper than his 7.6 ppg. Did you know he lead the NBA in assist to turnover ratio by a wide margin? From February 28th to the end of the season, a.k.a. without Kevin Durant, he averaged 11 points on 60% shooting (including 41.9% from 3), 4 rebounds, and 3.4 assists. He played his typical great defense, and no reserve in the NBA is asked to do more on a nightly basis. Whereas most bench players are just told to add instant offense, be the caretaker backup ball handler, or lock up on d. Well Iggy does all of that every night. He keeps the Pace and Space mojo going when Steph and Draymond are on the bench then guards the other team’s best perimeter player. Being on the best team in the NBA three years running doesn’t hurt things, either. Eric Gordon, my midseason pick, faded a little too much for my taste in the second half of the season.

Apologies To: Eric Gordon, Lou Williams, Jamal Crawford

Rookie of the Year: Dario Saric, Philadelphia 76ers

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There were a lot of tough decisions to make this year. With so many great players, who makes the All-NBA teams? With so few good players, who makes second team All-Rookie? Who wins MVP or Defensive Player? But, to be honest, this was the award I had the most trouble with. The one I went back and forth on more than any other. Because the way I pick this award will have a ripple effect throughout everything else. Yes, believe it or not, Rookie of the Year, in a year with an historically weak rookie class, is the most important and far-reaching award. I had to decide, not only for this but for every award, if health and games played mattered. Make no mistake, Joel Embiid was the best rookie this year. Statistically, he’s one of the greatest rookies of all time. But he only played 31 games. He only played 786 minutes. There’s no rules to these things, but at some point, you have to reward the players that actually play every day. If you spend any time online reading other, inferior awards predictions, you’ll often come across the phrase “who did this season belong to”/”who had the most memorable season.” It’s the primary reason people pick Russell Westbrook for MVP, and it’s also the primary reason people choose Joel Embiid as Rookie of the Year. Well, how can the season belong to him if he played in less than 40% of the games and less than 20% of the available minutes? That doesn’t seem fair at all. You (hopefully) didn’t think Jeremy Lin was MVP after Linsanity, did you? It’s the same idea with Embiid. Then, once I had established those parameters, I had to change my pick again because I realized it would be hypocritical to name Buddy Hield RoY for his 37 game stint in Sacramento, easily the best stretch of games for any non-Embiid rookie, since that’s essentially doing the same thing as picking Embiid- handing out an award for a small sample of great play and ignoring the vast majority of the season where they didn’t play (I’m counting his Pelicans time as not playing. Actually, Embiid’s DNPs might have been more productive than Buddy in New Orleans) (I know you think you’ve caught me red handed because I used a 20 game period of time as a big reason for picking Iguodala as sixth man, but he was great in his role all season long, he just stepped his game up late) (because I’m so good at this, this exact reasoning will show up again). So, I had to go with my third choice. Among human (i.e., not Embiid) rookies, he’s number one in scoring, second in rebounding, and top ten in assists. Good enough for me.

Apologies To: Joel Embiid (I hope no voters put Embiid second or third on their ballots. If you’re ranking him at all, that means you think he should be considered, and if he should be considered, you damn well better think he should win), Buddy Hield, Malcolm Brogdon

Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens, Boston Celtics

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This is actually kind of a stacked category, too, but I’m going with my guy Brad. Sorry, any time you turn a team of castoffs, young guys, and players drafted ahead of Giannis Antetokounmpo, all lead by someone 5’9″ (I repeat: the Celtics best player is 5’9″), into the number one seed in the East, you’re coach of the year. Sure, they’re one of the weakest one seeds ever and literally no sane person in the world thinks they’ll beat Cleveland, but they’re still the one seed. They had a better record than the defending champion, more stacked 1-12 than the Warriors, LeBron-led Cavaliers. This team is held together with rubber bands and scotch tape, and he helped absolutely every player maximize their talent. Just think what he’ll do with one of the studs in this year’s draft (assuming they don’t get screwed/Ainge doesn’t try to outsmart everyone only to make a fool of himself. Both are big asks).

Shoutout to the somehow equally publicly praised and overlooked Gregg Popovich, who pretty much did the exact same thing as Brad Stevens, but he has Kawhi and I’m a Celtics fan. Mike D’Antoni is a bona fide genius, and his coaching job didn’t get any worse than it was when I named him my midseason Coach of the Year. Eric Spoelstra will get some votes for miraculously turning the Heat around midseason, but not mine.

Apologies To: Pop, D’Antoni, Spoelstra, Scott Brooks

Defensive Player of the Year: Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors

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On the surface, this might seem like a coin flip between Draymond and Rudy Gobert. Both have great cases- Draymond leads the league in steals, is second in deflections and averages a block and a half per game for the league’s second best defense. Gobert leads the league in blocks, is fourth in the NBA in rebounding (legitimately so, unlike some other players in the league), and is the anchor of the league’s third best defense. Both completely shut down opponents at the rim. Gobert might be the most intimidating player in the league, with his block numbers not really reflecting his true impact. But Draymond is just so versatile. He literally guards everybody. If he has to guard the perimeter he’s impossible to get around and gets his hands on every errant pass or careless dribble. He’s a brick wall down low and will instantly erase any post up attempt or drive to the rim. Outside Kawhi and maaaaaaaaaybe Giannis, he’s the only guy I’d trust to “guard” LeBron with the game on the line. How many people can guard James Harden and Dwight Howard effectively? Probably only Draymond. He’s been a defensive force for years, now, and it’s about time he gets recognized.

Apologies To: Rudy Gobert, Kawhi Leonard, Paul Millsap, Hassan Whiteside (haha, just kidding)

All-NBA Teams

I know you thought you were getting MVP next, but I have to save the main event for last. This is one of the places where the aforementioned importance of health plays a role, because Kevin Durant is obviously a first-team talent, but missing 20 games is missing 20 games, doesn’t matter who it is.

First Team

G- James Harden, Houston Rockets

G- Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder

F- LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers

F- Kawhi Leonard- San Antonio Spurs

C- Anthony Davis- New Orleans Pelicans

Second Team

G- Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors

G- John Wall, Washington Wizards

F- Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

F- Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors

C- Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz

Third Team

G- Isaiah Thomas, Boston Celtics

G- Demar Derozan, Toronto Raptors

F- Jimmy Butler, Chicago Bulls

F- Kevin Durant, Golden State Warriors (couldn’t leave him out entirely)

C- Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves

All-Defense

First Team

G- Avery Bradley, Boston Celtics

G- Danny Green, San Antonio Spurs

F- Kawhi Leonard, San Antonio Spurs

F- Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors

C- Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz

Second Team

G- Patrick Beverly, Houston Rockets

G- Tony Allen, Memphis Grizzlies

F- Andre Roberson, Oklahoma City Thunder

F- Paul Millsap, Atlanta Hawks

C- Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans

All-Rookie

First Team

Malcolm Brogdon, Milwaukee Bucks

Buddy Hield, Sacramento Kings

Jamal Murray, Denver Nuggets

Dario Saric, Philadelphia 76ers

Willy Hernangomez, New York Knicks

Second Team

Jaylen Brown, Boston Celtics

Brandon Ingram, Los Angeles Lakers

Yogi Ferrell, Dallas Mavericks

Tyler Ulis, Phoenix Suns

Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers (it’s one thing to keep him off first team, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to try and say there were actually 10 rookies who played over 31 games that were better than Embiid)

Most Valuable Player:

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James Harden, Houston Rockets

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Before we really get into this, I need to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry Kawhi and LeBron, but for me this is a two horse race despite both of you having unreal seasons. I’m sorry reader who undoubtedly wanted to read about how great Russell Westbrook is, but I can actually think for myself. And I’m sorry Russell Westbrook, because a lot of what I’m about to say might seem like hate, but I don’t hate you at all, I just hate anything that everyone else loves. I just want to get this mini-rant out of the way first, but I’m so sick of the Westbrook dick-ridng that the Internet does everyday. If he goes 2-35 with 14 turnovers but has a triple double it’s “wow Russ (if you want to seem cool you have to call his Russ) so amazing. Triple double crazy no one else can do it.” If he says he’s going to murder Kevin Durant’s entire family and his future children it’s “lmao Russ is the best so petty lolololol.” I don’t get why he’s still holding on to this facade that he doesn’t think about Kevin Durant all day everyday and everything he does he does for the sole purpose of showing Durant that he doesn’t care about him, but whatever, everyone eats it up anyway. We get it, you love Russell Westbrook and think he’s the greatest and you hate KD and all that, but that doesn’t make him MVP. Liking someone more doesn’t make someone MVP. I’m not the biggest LeBron guy, but I’ll always say when he’s MVP. Yes, if LeBron didn’t exist Westbrook would be the greatest athlete to ever play in the NBA, but he’s not MVP. I’m sorry (not really though).

Now, onto my case. Everyone is losing their minds about Westbrook’s stats, and rightly so. There’s a reason no one has averaged a triple double in 50 years. But there’s not really a huge difference between his stats and Harden’s. First, we have to throw out rebounding, because we shouldn’t care about rebounding with these two because they’re both guards and rebounding doesn’t matter for them anyway, but still. Guess who leads the league in uncontested rebounds? If you said Westbrook, you’re right! 8.5 of his 10.7 rebounds per game are uncontested, i.e., he forced his teammates to box out really hard so he could chase triple doubles. But 6.4 of Harden’s 8.1 rebounds were also uncontested. You’re telling me Harden couldn’t have gotten up to 10 rebounds a game if that’s all the Rockets cared about? Neither guy was exactly banging down low fighting for loose balls. They both got typical guard rebounds, they both just got a lot of them. Moving on, Westbrook averages 31.6 points to Harden’s 29.1. But Westbrook takes five more shots per game than Harden. Harden’s true shooting percentage, which incorporates free throws and adds weight to three point shooting, is 61.3% compared to Westbrook’s 55.4%. Harden’s shooting efficiency is vastly superior, even with Westbrook unexpectedly shooting around league average from 3. Assuming he kept the same percentage, if Harden shot two (2) more times per game, he’d average more points than league-leading scorer Russell Westbrook. Harden comes out on top in playmaking, too, which is something that does matter for guards. Now, it would be irresponsible to leave out the fact that Harden set the record for most turnovers in a season. No one has ever turned the ball over more than Harden this year. Well, if Harden wasn’t around guess who would have the record? Westbrook from this year! Both of them turn the ball over way too much, but both of them have the ball the entire game and set up absolutely everything for their teams, so that’s a wash. Harden averaged 11.2 assists to Westbrook’s 10.4. Not a huge difference. But, when you look at assist points created, Harden is ahead of Westbrook by over three points per game. When you add their scoring numbers to the assist points to see how many points per game they’re responsible for, it’s 56.2 to 55.4 in favor of Harden. So for all the fawning over Westbrook’s scoring, Harden creates more points and is more efficient while doing so. Neither one is particularly good on defense, but Westbrook will certainly get the benefit of the doubt over Harden, who has improved/tried a little this season.

Another thing floating around is that Westbrook closed the season so well that you have to give it to him. Sure, in March and April he averaged 32.7, 10.7, and 10.7 with slightly better shooting. So, his season long numbers. Yes, he hit a buzzer beater against the Nuggets and had some huge games. But didn’t we establish earlier that a 20 game stretch doesn’t make a season? Statistically, he was minimally better than he was the entirety of the season down the stretch, where Harden either at or slightly below his season long form during that same stretch of time. So Harden was better than him all season, but during the big stretch of time where everyone wants to point at and say “Russ was so much better!” Harden was actually still better. Weird. Westbrook has been devastating in the clutch, that’s undeniable. But it’s not like Harden is some wallflower in close games. And, of course, the Rockets had a significantly better record.

Everyone will try to act like Westbrook is dragging a group of 8th graders to wins while Harden is working with the ’86 Celtics, but that’s not true whatsoever. Look at the Rockets’ roster and tell me how many sure things they had before the season. Eric Gordon, Ryan Anderson, and Patrick Beverly are frequent injury risks. Nene was washed up in Washington. Clint Capela was unproven and thrust into a huge role. The only guys where you could say “I know what I’m going to get out of this player” are Trevor Ariza and Lou Williams, and Lou Williams wasn’t on the roster until February. When healthy, it looks like the Rockets have the superior roster, but that’s just because it was perfectly built to compliment James Harden’s skill set and Harden brings out the best in them. The Thunder roster was perfectly built to compliment Westbrook and Durant’s skill sets, but when Durant left, it became perfectly built for Russell to chase triple doubles. The Thunder’s only goal this season was for Westbrook to average a triple double, whether the other players liked it or not. The Rockets’ goal was shoot a million 3s and try to game the system. And it shows in their records. Personally, I’m not thrilled about having the MVP on a 6 seed. The Thunder’s winning percentage was .573 this year. The last MVP whose team had a lower winning percentage was Moses Malone in 1982. So, for 35 straight years winning a lot of games has mattered in the MVP race, but now that a player who had a teammate leave in free agency is having a huge season it doesn’t mean anything anymore? Should Mo Williams have won the MVP LeBron’s first year in Miami? Should Chris Bosh have won MVP LeBron’s second first year with Cleveland? No. Kevin Durant leaving should have nothing to do with this, but it invariably will. Does it suck he left? Yes. Does it suck he went to the Warriors? Yes. Would I feel the same way if he came to the Celtics? No. But that doesn’t make someone MVP. When movies cast Daniel Day-Lewis as a mentally challenged man who paints with his feet, we roll our eyes for the blatant Oscar chasing. But when the Thunder dedicate their entire season to inflating Westbrook’s stats and allowing him to unabashedly gun for the MVP, we embrace it? It’s almost cynical how un-transparent Westbrook’s MVP case is. The Rockets built their team to get Harden MVP, too, but they did so under the guise of trying to win. Once Durant left, everything the Thunder did was to try and ensure Westbrook could average a triple double and try to get MVP, just so he could show Kevin Durant just how little he cares about him. And all of you are falling for it. Almost every aspect of Harden’s season has been better than Westbrook’s. I hope everyone else realizes that, too.

Apologies To: Russell Westbrook, LeBron James, Kawhi Leonard, Steph Curry, Carmelo Anthony Isaiah Thomas

NHL Playoff Preview

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Playoff Hockey isn’t so much of a sport as it is a state of mind. It’s tense. It’s nerve wracking. It loosens the sphincters of even the most severely constipated. If we’re being honest, if your team is playing a Playoff Hockey game it’s a very unpleasant experience. But the highs of winning are almost unmatched. Every emotion you could possibly feel is ratcheted up to eleven during overtime. With the exception of playoff baseball, it’s probably prime Stress Eating Season. The NHL Playoffs bring a lot of things to the table, and all of them add up to one of the most thrilling experiences in sports. First round starts tonight, so might as well give some rapid fire takes about each series.

Before we begin, though, I have to add an important disclaimer: I’m not a Hockey Guy. It’s just not in my DNA. You’re either born a Hockey Guy or you aren’t. I never played growing up (unless you count a student-faculty game in high school where I was like a faster Jerome Iginla). Every few years I’ll try and force myself to become a Hockey Guy and it inevitably fails. That’s not to say I don’t like hockey. I actually like it a lot when I watch it and I love going to games. It’s just never been my priority. One of the ways I build my relationship with a sport and further my knowledge is by doing things like tweeting and playing video games and the like. Hell, that’s how I turned myself into a Soccer Bloke. But hockey is, to put it mildly, unforgiving to newcomers. It’s not like I draw a ton of activity whenever I fire some tweets off, but I wouldn’t even think about tweeting a hockey take if I wasn’t 100% sure it was the consensus opinion. Online Hockey Guys are absolutely brutal to outsiders. They’d sniff out my basketball fandom a mile away and instantly label me as a soft-as-toilet-paper idiot who will never know anything about hockey and I should kill myself for thinking I might. I’m not funny enough (i.e., I’m too white) to endear myself to them and have them treat me like a human being. Online Hockey Guys are the guys who spend their entire lives calling Sidney Crosby a pussy online but then if someone like me said it they’d jump down my throat and say I can’t appreciate his superior skill level. They’re the guys who bash basketball for anything and everything while failing to see that their Napoleon Complex and standoffish, holier-than-thou attitude towards anyone who doesn’t watch every second of every game drive any casual fan unfortunate enough to try to enjoy a nice Playoff Hockey game straight back to basketball, furthering the NBA’s stranglehold on the popular conscience. They’re the guys whose favorite search term on PornHub is “postgame handshake line.” They’re annoying, is what I’m getting at. So, I must respectfully ask all hardcore Online Hockey Guys to stop reading this now. It’s about time you feel what it’s like to be excluded from something you’re trying to like. This is a thinking man’s Playoff Hockey preview. This is an in-depth, measured, factually accurate preview coming from someone who’s fandom falls somewhere between casual and diehard. This is coming from a true sports savant with a penchant for nailing predictions. This is the Brian’s Den Playoff Hockey Preview.

East

Washington Capitals vs. Toronto Maple Leafs

I’ve made my thoughts on the Capitals playoff hopes clear. I’m rooting very hard against them. But they are going to win this series. That being said, there’s hope in Toronto. It feels weird to say, but it’s true. Their rookie class is crazy good. Auston Matthews is ridiculous in front of goal and has a ridiculously annoying way of spelling his first name. He combined with Mitch Marner and William Nylander to form one of the highest scoring rookie trios in NHL history. They could finally fulfill the NHL’s biggest, longest-running pipe dreams: the Stanley Cup coming to Toronto because the Maple Leafs won it, not just because that’s where the Hall of Fame is. Knowing Toronto’s luck, all three will suffer career ending injuries in this series.

Prediction: Caps in 5

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets

It’s one of the rare takes I’m usually hesitant to offer, but I’ve always secretly liked Sidney Crosby. Guy’s just really, really good. People act like he’s a giant coward, as if guys like Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux were mixing it up every night like an Irishman on a bender. So he doesn’t fight a lot. So what? He’s the best player in the last 20 years whether you like it or not. That being said, I’m definitely rooting for Columbus here, and I think they’ve got a good shot to not only win this series but go on a deep run. As They will tell you, goaltending wins championships, and the Blue Jackets had the best tender in the league this year in Sergei Bobrovsky, who lead the NHL in goals against average and save percentage. They’ve been ice cold (get it? Because hockey is played on ice) lately, but here’s one analyst not afraid to stay on the BJ Bandwagon.

Prediction: Jackets in 6

Montreal Canadiens vs. New York Rangers

Every year I love to revel in the Canadiens inevitable playoff disappointment. They’ve become Caps Lite. “But it’s different this year!” They say about the Habs. “Now, instead of a great goalie, fast and skilled forwards, a handful of cheap shot artists, and soft players they’ve got a great goalie, fast and skilled forwards, a handful of cheap shot artists, and tough players.” And it’s true. They’re a stingy and fast team going against a lousy defense. They’ve got the better coach. In a classic jersey matchup, they even win there. So, yeah, they’re probably going to win this series. But they’re out next round. Book it.

Prediction: Canadiens in 5

Ottawa Senators vs. Boston Bruins

Listen, I’m a pretty unabashed homer. I’m a Bruins fan. I’d spend hours trying to drum up an argument for why the Bruins would beat just about anybody. But the Senators had a negative scoring differential. As in, they gave up more goals than they scored. I don’t give a shit how gritty a team is, if I could join a team and become the most dangerous goal scorer that’s a very, very bad sign.

Prediction: Bruins in 4

West

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators

These guys are still around? In my mind, the Blackhawks get the same respect as the Giants (mostly baseball but would have applied to football before the Boat Boyz came to town) in that I expect them to win every playoff game. The old standbys are still here playing well, but now they’re adding some young guys like Artemi Panarin to the mix. This team just never dies until their body is cremated and the ashes are stuffed into a can of giardiniera. This is a tough Nashville team, though. Well rounded with dynamic players at every position. But I just have a tough time saying the Blackhawks are about to lose in the first round.

Prediction: Blackhawks in 6

Minnesota Wild vs. St. Louis Blues

Maybe it’s because of the somewhat fluky nature of the NHL playoffs, but it seems like hockey really lends itself to the “teams that perform well enough to get every expert picking them as The Next Team only to fail repeatedly” archetype of Choking Teams. If the Capitals didn’t exist, both these teams would be able to steak their claim to the NHL’s leader in that category. The Blues looked like they were about to break out of that last year, but then they lost to the Sharks, and being the team the Sharks didn’t choke against is like being the team that lost to the Cubs in the World Series. I don’t think I can take them seriously anymore. And the Wild wouldn’t know what the second round looked like if it walked up to them and slapped them in the face. This series may go to game 7, where it would go to endless overtimes because both of them are scared of success. Still, the Wild aren’t playing the Blackhawks, so they might actually be able to win a series.

Prediction: Wild in 7

Anaheim Ducks vs. Calgary Flames

I feel like we’ve all kind of forgotten how goofy it is that there’s a professional hockey team in Anaheim, a professional sports team based on a Disney movie, a professional sports team named the Ducks, a player who’s in-game villainy is so over-the-top it would be rejected by every sports movie ever written, and that all of those things apply to one team. The Ducks make the Las Vegas Golden Knights seem like a well thought out, fully developed franchise concept. Maybe I’d like the Ducks more if they kept the original green and purple design, not the weird robo-duck motifs they use now. Meanwhile, there’s something I love about Calgary. I love when people pronounce it Cal-GARY, I love that they play in the Saddledome, I love that the city flag has a cowboy hat on it, and I love that Alberta is pretty much just one big Canadian Western movie set. I’m a big Flames guy. If they wear their red and white jerseys and bring Bret Hart to every home game, it’s over.

Prediction: Flames in 7

Edmonton Oilers vs. San Jose Sharks

Connor McDavid is lead the league in points and is going to win MVP (sorry not sorry for not using the trophies’ fancy names). He’s 20 years old. Is that good? I think it is. Because they’ve been absolute ass the last decade I think people think the Oilers are the classic One Year Away playoff team, but they’ve got a shot of doing some real damage this season. This is a fast, explosive team, and once my guy Milan Lucic starts taking ill-timed penalties they’ll have the whole game working. As for the Sharks, they had a bit of an out-of-body experience last year when they finally made the Stanley Cup Finals. Since the lockout, they’ve dedicated themselves to blowing 3-0 leads, losing series in the most devastating ways imaginable, and generally letting their fans down (just kidding, they don’t have any fans). They’ve packed a lot of heartbreak into a short amount of time, which is never a good thing. Plus, as I’ve stated before, anyone who’s entire persona is based around their beard annoys me greatly, and the Sharks have like 20 of those guys. Needless to say I’m not a fan. Plus, they’re dealing with injuries to their top guys. They’re out.

Prediction: Oilers in 5

It goes without saying, but I should probably be treated like a bona fide hockey expert now. After all, giving the number of games in each series is a surefire sign of expertise. I might be close to becoming an Online Hockey Guy now, too, which would be an odd twist. Unfortunately writing this might disqualify me from every writing about basketball again, because everyone knows you aren’t allowed to like both. In fact, now that I’m a hockey expert, I might not be allowed to like any other sport at all. At least, that’s what the Online Hockey Guys tell me. Luckily for you, I’m not afraid to break with tradition, so I’ll risk arguing the Hockey Gods by choosing to enjoy both the NHL and NBA. Don’t ever say I’m not revolutionary.

Champions League Quarter Finals Start Today

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Are you ready for some fútbol? I hope so, because there’s some great games these next couple weeks as the Quarter Finals of the Champions League start today. Only eight teams remain, and since they’re all big names, my lack of soccer knowledge is easier to hide. Who will be left standing? Who will lose in shocking fashion? Let’s look at the match-ups and see.

juventus_logo142px-fc_barcelona_28crest29-svgJuventus vs. Barcelona

While I exulted in Barcelona’s stunning comeback against PSG (mostly just because it showed I was right about PSG and I could dunk on the h8trs), it left me a little less concrete in my thinking that Barcelona was going to win the title by default. After all, they did need to pull off the greatest comeback in Champions League history to do so. Their defense isn’t particularly good, especially since they’re dealing with injuries and a suspension to Sergio Busquets. Juventus still has the best back line in the world, and if they can somewhat neutralize the ungodly Messi-Neymar-Suarez trio Barcelona might be in a bit of trouble. They may even lose. But, comebacks like that last more than just one round. Barcelona wins, but they won’t feel great about themselves.

Barcelona Advances

220px-borussia_dortmund_logo-svgBorussia Dortmund vs. AS Monaco1200px-as_monaco_fc-svg
Now this is the one I want to watch. This is going to be the most exciting, high octane matchup in the QF. Both teams may even score! Monaco is the second highest scoring team in Europe behind Barcelona and Dortmund has one of the fastest teams in the world. Those two things go well together. As usual, Monaco has a million great young players that probably won’t be there for long (I stand by my original stance that, were I a top-level professional soccer player, Monaco is the only team I’d want to play for. Why does anyone leave? You play in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, you don’t pay taxes, and Monaco is a total fantasy world. Anything you want will be given to you. Sounds like somewhere I’d want to be). Dortmund, well, just watch this. If you haven’t heard of him by now, (do you live under a rock?) Christian Pulisic is the Next Great American Soccer Star. If he really works hard, he may even be as good as Freddy Adu one day. As a diehard Crystal Palace fan of about two years, I’m getting used to picking a new team to root for in the Champions League. I know it took a while, but I’m ready to commit myself to whoever wins this fixture.

Monaco Advances

800px-atletico_madrid_logo-svg 400px-leicester_city_crest-svgAtlètico Madrid vs. Leicester City

At some point, this run has to end. They’ve been punching above their weight for way too long. They’ve been sticking it to the bigger clubs left and right and embarrassing the established powers in their league. They’ve come out of nowhere, building a contender with a series of smart pickups and excellent player development. Teams like this aren’t supposed to be able to compete with teams like Real Madrid and Manchester United. I’m speaking, of course, about Atlètico Madrid. All of a sudden they’re one of the best, most consistent teams in the world. They make at least the semi finals of the Champions League every year. They’ve come within inches of the title twice, and this year they might even win it. I’m getting a little sick of Leicester, and it’s about time their carriage turned back into a pumpkin.

Atlètico Advances

480px-logo_fc_bayern_munchen-svgBayern Munich vs. Real Madrid143px-real_madrid_cf-svg

This is really concerning. These are probably the two most complete teams in the world. Both would be heavy favorites against any other of these teams. Both think they should win the title. And they’re meeting in the quarter finals? While teams like Leicester and Monaco are still around to be sacrificed? How did UEFA let this happen? You used to be able to count on soccer and the Olympics to always openly rig things to get the results they wanted. But ever since the big Sepp Blatter bust soccer is trying to act all “clean.” Come on, man. Without Stern the NBA is on the straight and narrow. Baseball is too hard to influence and football is too married to the idea of parity to ever fix games. I need some shadiness in my sports. Soccer used to be a safe place for me, but now they’ve cast me out into the cold because they want to seem “fair” and “just.” Give me a break! People in Africa set up fake games, have people bet on them, cancel the games, and don’t refund people all the time! You’re telling me you’re above board now? Get over yourselves and somehow make it so both of these teams advance.

Real Advances

Now that We’ve Lost Sergio, Who Do We Have Left in the Choking Community?

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Choker. The worst insult you can through at a professional athlete. Failing in the one moment that matters most despite years and years of success, training, discipline, and sacrifice cuts deeper than anything us normal humans can imagine. Once you’re labeled a choker every accomplishment until you graduate from the Choker’s Club is immediately thrown out as worthless. And it’s almost impossible to shake the public perception, too. Dirk was always seen as this huge choke artist even though he was putting up at least 25 a game in the playoffs (except for one season) and was playing with some bum teammates. Tony Romo botches one snap and throws a couple backbreaking interceptions and his fourth quarter statistics are openly mocked as meaningless despite the fact that they are some of the best ever. The only way out is to win a championship, which is always easier said than done. Most members of the Club never make it out, but recently we’ve had waaaaay too many people leave it. Jay Wright, Sergio Garcia, Romo (retirement takes you into the Retired Choker’s Club, which is still a bad place to be but you’re out of the public eye), the Cubs, the city of Cleveland, it’s just too much. These are some of the pillars of the Choker’s Club. The Club is on the verge of collapse (just like all of their members, am I right? Nobody?) unless some new blood can take the reigns. Someone needs to step forward and remind the world that someone people out there are still willing to lay down when the heat is on. For every Brady there must be a Marino. For every MJ there must be a T-Mac. Who can become the Lee Westwood Memorial Master Choke Artist? There’s still some proud members left, so let’s see who can put together the best case.

Washington Capitals v New York Rangers - Game SevenWashington Capitals-

For the sake of the Club, the Caps cannot win the Stanley Cup this year. Losing the Cubs and Cleveland has left the Club’s Team Division reeling. They need one constant in this time of change. The Caps need to become the leader of the pack. The other teams need them. Atlanta can’t lead anyone. The Bills are just too depressing. The Vikings have the resume, but they also have too much PTSD. They need the Caps. I need the Caps. Every time the Capitals have the best record in the NHL and lose early and angel gets its wings. Come on, Washington. You know you don’t really want to win.

atlanta-falcons-matt-ryan-could-not-slow-new-england-patriots-comebackMatt Ryan-

This is kind of a stand-in for the Falcons and the city of Atlanta in general, but Matt Ryan is our current Lead Choking Dog in the NFL, fair or not. Blowing a 28-3 lead with 20 minutes left in the Super Bowl isn’t the way to graduate from the Club, Matt. Sure, you can blame the play calling if you want, but Matt Ryan was league MVP last year and is the face of the franchise, no one would have been upset if he audibled to a run once or twice.

w1280xh966_usat_167949-1024x773Any NBA Player Under 6 Feet Tall-

This one hits a little close to home for me since I’m already bracing for a Celtics first or second round loss, but short guys just never come up big (get it? I’m feeling it today) when it matters in the NBA. Not since the original Isiah Thomas has someone 6′ or less lead a team to a title. Celtics Isaiah Thomas stinks in the playoffs because it’s hard to live off a steady diet of floaters from a 5’9″ guy going against 7 footers. Toronto has to put an APB for Kyle Lowry every year in the playoffs. Do I even need to go in to Chris Paul? Allen Iverson came the closest, but even he only made the Finals once. The NBA Playoffs are almost a different sport than regular season NBA, and it’s not friendly for the vertically challenged.

clc1Courtney Lee-

People don’t forget, Courtney.

 

 

 

 

4ab3b230a8d021f6f6128728ecad7f11Clayton Kershaw-

The saddest members of the Choker’s Club are the truly great ones. It’s even sadder when they have a rival who has won a million championships and is the personification of clutch. It’s even sadder when that rival is in their division and every time they face each other the rival takes them deep (and the rival is a pitcher, not someone who hits 40 homers a year). Thus is Clayton Kershaw’s lot in life. The most depressing and perplexing member of the Club is one of the three greatest left-handed pitchers of all time. His postseason ERA is double his regular season one. He’s impossible to hit in the regular season but turns into a JUGS machine set to 85 MPH in the playoffs. Easily the worst part of Club meetings is when Clayton arrives. The first time he was there, everyone just assumed he’d get out soon. With each passing year, he became more and more entrenched in the Club. Now he never leaves. It’s bumming me out just thinking about it. No one needs a championship more in all of sports.

psg

Paris Saint-Germain-

They were already in the Club, but losing to Barcelona the way they did only solidified it. Every year is the year they finally make an impact in the Champions League, and every year they fail to do so. Like most members of the Club, they dominate lesser competition only to fold the at the first sign of adversity.

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Lonzo Ball-

This is kind of a futures bet, but as one of the Club’s chief talent scouts it’s my job to predict these things. Having the crazy helicopter dad always leads to a fragile mentality, and he’s got the godfather of helicopter dads. Add together the pressure Lavar puts on him, the bloodlust all the other All Stars will have against him from the moment he steps foot in the NBA, and the fact that he has absolutely VANISHED every time he plays another NBA-level point guard and you’ve got the clearest future member of the Club I can remember. In two or three years he’s probably going to average 17-20 points and 10+ assists and be a staple at the All Star Game. But don’t think for one second he’s going to perform well in the clutch.

636268679600197743-usp-ncaa-basketball-final-four-championship-game-90004098Gonzaga-

Those black jerseys, man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I might be forgetting some people, but this is a good snapshot of the Club as it stands in 2017. It’s a little different than what I’ve been used to, but we all have to change with the times. Needless to say the Jets, Bills, and Vikings are still here, but they’re such longtime members they’re practically the wallpaper in the meeting room by now. The Browns and Indians were given a leave of absence as we see if they themselves are chokers or just suffering from the Cleveland Curse (I’m willing to bet the Browns will be back). Every golfer and tennis player is in the Club by default and has to fight their way out. As long as the Capitals don’t win the Cup this year, I think the Club will be fine. They can’t lose three vital teams in a calendar year. Club Chairman Marty Schottenheimer might have to call in a few favors to ensure it doesn’t happen.

 

 

I Can’t Imagine a Worse Feeling than Sleeping on a Lead in a Golf Major

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As is usually the case in early April, it looks like Spring is finally here to stay. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, baseball is back, I’m planning out how I’m going to spruce up my yard with some flowers, and I just got my first pack of hot dogs in 2017 (might be a little early but I couldn’t wait any longer) (also, if you disagree that natural casing hot dogs and top sliced buns are superior I don’t have room for you in my life). It’s just a pretty pleasant time. Spring also brings the Masters, and with it, the meat of the PGA Tour schedule. I like the Masters for a variety of reasons, one of which being that it doesn’t take itself too seriously (just kidding, it’s the most self-serious and self-important event in the history of mankind) and has the final pairing tee off before 3 pm so it actually ends before dinner (my only complaint against the U.S. Open). Being that it’s a major, it also signals the beginning of Sergio Season, a special time of year where Sergio Garcia is top 3 on the leaderboard after every major’s third round only to inevitably collapse and not win.

I always wonder why pro golfers, by law, have to be the most boring people of all time. 95% of them are the same stiff, milquetoast white guy who their own mothers wouldn’t recognize if they passed them on the street. It’s pretty much the only reason people like Phil Mickelson and Bubba Watson (you’re the definition of a sucker if you actually like Bubba Watson. Guy is such a dweeb/dick): they’re lefties and play aggressively so they’re actually different. Think about it- Dustin Johnson is married to Paulina Gretzky, a.k.a. Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, is a legitimate cocaine addict, and has (allegedly) slept with every other Tour Player’s wife at least once, and he’s still the most boring person ever. Like in history. Have you heard him talk? I’ve got a pretty monotone voice and I’d have to inhale about 50 Xanax and spend the next 35 years working in a cube to sound as depressed and devoid of personality as Dustin does mere minutes after winning last year’s U.S. Open. Liven up, man! You’ve got the perfect life! You don’t need to look like your dog died 30 seconds ago every time you speak. There’s some established guys I root for, but if they’re out of it I pretty much always root for the (very) few minority players to win because it shakes things up a bit and there’s a 1% chance they’ll have a human reaction to winning millions of dollars and not look like a computer searching its database for the “happy” setting. But when I really think about it, it actually makes sense.

Unless you’re one of the all time greats, performing well in majors seems like the worst thing that could ever happen to your psyche. It’s an ungodly amount of pressure. Every time you finish a day (excluding Sunday, obviously) leading a major, it has to get harder and harder to keep your sanity. Players who haven’t won a major before are talked about like they’ve never played golf before. “Oh, man, it’s tough to be a first time winner. So much pressure you can get into your own head. I’d be surprised if he broke 100 today. Wonder if he remembered to bring his putter.” Sleeping on a Saturday lead is really unlike anything else in sports. Everyone in the world tells you how hard it is and how much pressure is on you and how you’re going to blow it for like 18 hours straight. Some of these guys go in so nervous and tight they’re playing with one hand behind their backs. Miss one two foot putt and next thing you know you’ve put together a +10 round and are so far off the lead they don’t even show you on TV anymore. Sure, there’s a lot of pressure on you hitting down one in the ninth or taking the last shot in basketball, but those moments don’t happen every game and aren’t talked about relentlessly before they actually happen. Every single hole is like the last two minutes of game 7 of the finals. Take Sergio for example. He came in to today leading, added a few strokes to the lead, but all of a sudden Justin Rose got hot and Sergio wasn’t perfect on like, three shots and now it looks like he’s dying to get this round over with. He’s already accepted the fact that he’s going to collapse and he’s still tied for the lead! These players are just told over and over again that they’re going to blow it and are so fragile mentally that it’s no wonder they all kind of short circuit. There’s no emotion left in them. The second they step onto a golf course they just get PTSD of their last collapse. Jordan Spieth’s career might never be the same after last year’s Masters. I’m kind of surprised there aren’t more scandals involving golfers. Was Tiger really the only one that needed to chase hookers and Perkins waitresses because for once he felt like he was in control? None of these other guys do crazy stuff to try and forget how many times they’ve been beaten down by their sport? Lee Westwood was the third round leader for like 10 straight majors and never won any of them. You’re telling me he came out of that unscathed mentally? I’m surprised there aren’t more golfer murderers or suicides. Being a pro golfer essentially turns you into a sociopath desperately searching for ways to feel alive. Charl Schwartzel might have dozens of bodies in his freezer and we’ll never know because he never does anything that draws attention to himself. Sergio has probably spent a lot of time murdering homeless people. Everyone that’s ever lead any major needs to be put under investigation by the FBI because they’ve got something seedy going on in their personal lives. Dustin Johnson is lucky in a way because everyone already knows all the crazy stuff he does. It’s the random no name guys we need to be worried about.

One Man’s Opinion: The Rock and Vin Diesel are the Greatest Acting Duo of All Time

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With the release of Fast 8 mercifully only a week away, the relationship between Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel back into the limelight. Every time a new Fast movie comes out, we learn that, shockingly, two of the biggest Alpha Dogs in Hollywood can’t get along. While part of me is sad that two of my idols actively hate each other, I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Duos that can’t stand each other always produce the best results. Think about all the examples: Penn and Teller, Mike and Mad Dog, Abbott and Costello, Lennon and McCartney, Shaq and Kobe, Stallone and Willis, literally any musical duo where one person is more famous than the other, you name it. And there’s absolutely no denying it- every time Rock and Diesel share the screen, the results are pure electricity.

There’s real hatred there. You can feel the animosity. And yet, every scene they share ranks up there among the best ever recorded. This is going to be their fourth movie together, and while I haven’t seen it yet (I somehow don’t get access to advance screenings yet), I already know it’s going to be amazing (quick Fast power rankings: 5,7,6,4,2,1,3). I already know that every Toretto-Hobbs scene is going to be the ultimate combination of great action, poignant self-reflection, and zippy one-liners. Those two just have it, with it being perfect onscreen chemistry. They were created to make cinematic excellence together. And the fact that they hate each other only adds to it. It keeps them from doing too many movies together. If you saturate the market with great Rock-Diesel content, it’s hard to recognize any of it as triumphant anymore. Keep it exclusive. Just make a Fast and Furious movie every other year then don’t speak again until the next one. It’s a perfect formula. Off the top of my head, I really can’t think of another two actors who are in a bunch of things together and are always as good as Rock and Diesel. Scratch that, I know I can’t think of any because no other two actors are capable of reaching the highs these two achieve almost effortlessly. They may be the best entertainment duo since LMFAO. At some point the Oscars have to take notice. I already know that from now until next year’s Oscars, there won’t be five lead acting performances better than either Vin Diesel’s or The Rock’s. They both need to be nominated, at least. Possibly even be co-winners. Actually, The Rock should probably win, because having to pretend to be in the slightest bit threatened by Vin Diesel is maybe the highest degree-of-difficulty acting I’ve ever seen.

Random Thoughts

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Starting up a new feature here in the Brian’s Den, just because I appreciate my readers and like to keep introducing new menu items because if you blind people with how many choices you have, no one notices the food isn’t great. It’s called Random Thoughts (I put a lot of effort into naming my segments, if you couldn’t tell) and it’s pretty much just things that I wanted to talk about that didn’t warrant a full blog. Be it small complaints, small sports takes, whatever. Got it? Good. Let’s get into it.

Do Russell Westbrook’s triple doubles mean anything?

So today I finally went to get a haircut (more on this later) and was surprised that the TV was tuned in to the take-hole that is Colin Cowherd’s FS1 show. He was debating himself on if Russell Westbrook tying Oscar Robertson’s long standing record for triple doubles actually meant anything. And I’ve heard both sides of it, from people saying it’s totally meaningless to he unquestionably deserves MVP. While my full thoughts on his MVP-candidacy are coming soon, I have to say it’s stupid to say the record is meaningless. It has to mean something. It’s undeniable that the media has grown absolutely obsessed with triple doubles. If you have 33 points, 9 rebounds, and 8 assists you had a bad game. It’s kind of cheapened them, in a weird way. But even still, it shows how much he does on the court. I mean, sure, his teammates work harder boxing out their man so Russell can get uncontested rebounds than anyone has ever tried for anything and he has the ball in his hands every second he’s on the court so it’d be more impressive if he wasn’t averaging 10 assists, but it has to mean something. No one’s done what he’s doing in fifty years. That’s impressive no matter what it is. But it shouldn’t mean he’s a shoo-in for MVP, though, either. If the argument for him as MVP is entirely based on him averaging a triple double, would he not be MVP if he was averaging 9 rebounds a game? Everyone loses the ability to think rationally when it comes to triple doubles. It’s an incredibly impressive statistical feat, but he’s also on a team that’s not going to do anything in the playoffs and the fact that he’s the biggest ball hog of all time might actually be holding them back. He’s not the MVP.

I got a new phone

I’m finally taking myself out of the stone age and getting a new cell phone. No longer will my pictures look like cave drawings. No longer will I have to delete three apps every time I want to take a video. No longer will my phone conveniently fit into one hand, since all the new phones are the size of a small book. I go the Verizon store, tell my man Reggie I need a new phone, and I perused their various wares. A lot of great options, no doubt, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Some have facial recognition. Some are waterproof and don’t need cases. Some have professional-quality cameras and video editing software built in. Some are literally more powerful than a supercomputer. Some jerk you off and wipe your ass at the same time. Pretty much the only negative I saw is that the iPhone 7 Plus doesn’t have a headphone jack anymore. Unless you buy an adaptor or have bluetooth headphones, you can’t charge the phone and have headphones in at the same time. It’s stupid and annoying and I hate it. Needless to say, I went with the iPhone 7 Plus.

Haircut Update

For any of you who remember my barber dilemma, I finally mustered the courage to go out and get a haircut, and, shamefully, I couldn’t get myself to go to a different place. I walked in, and standing in the same place as always was my barber. He didn’t move. He didn’t even go on vacation! I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about the last time I went. Whatever, at least I look good. That’s all that matters.

Chris Sale Starts Tonight for the Boston Red Sox

Can’t believe it’s actually happening, but Chris Sale is pitching tonight. For the Boston Red Sox. At Fenway Park. It’s not Opening Day. As in, the Red Sox are so stacked, Chris Sale was not the first pitcher they threw out there. And other teams in the American League are still thinking of trying this season. What a crazy time we live in.

It annoys me that it doesn’t matter that the Cavs are a horrible team once the playoffs start

The Cleveland Cavaliers are a horrible team. They STINK on defense, their players are always fighting each other, LeBron is in full subtweet mode, the Celtics are going to beat them tonight and solidify their hold on the number one seed in the East. Nothing is going their way and none of that matters. Once the playoffs start they’re going to flip the switch and become the team that won the title last year. They’re going to win every Eastern series in at most six games. It’s just annoying and predictable. I hate the NBA sometimes.