Patriots – Brian's Den

Power Ranking the Patriots’ Super Bowl Losses

I write this from beyond the grave. I found a willing host, and he’s transcribing my thoughts via Ouija board. Hopefully he gets it right. Unfortunately, the overwhelming negativity being thrown at Drake Maye and the doubts about his future killed me dead. My heart couldn’t handle it. The haters, as always, were successful in the end.

As I was preparing for Super Bowl LX by grinding tape, doing my job, figuring out the best combination of clothing, couch positioning, menu, pregame viewing, anything I could do to help the team, I paused and visualized what the game would bring. Deep down in my heart, the clearest voice told me, “the Pats are going to make history today.” And, of course, I was right. The Patriots became the first NFL team to lose six Super Bowls. That’s an easy thing to make fun of, but I would remind you that it would be just as easy for me to turn around and tell you that your pathetic team doesn’t know what to do with itself after it blindly stumbles into a ten-win season once every fifteen years. But I wouldn’t do that, don’t worry. One of my duties as a spirit is to protect the living (I’m a good ghost. Bill Polian will be a bad ghost. I have access to that information, now), and to help my fellow Patriot fans, I’m going to take the power away from the haters. You can’t power rank all the Pats’ Super Bowl losses, because I already did.

Being a spirit gives me perfect hindsight, and I was able to use that to create a rating scale utilizing the ultimate scientific methodology: a collection of subjective metrics on a scale of 0-10. I have painstakingly analyzed each of the six heartbreaking games and measured them on the following three axes:

Expectation- Simple, did people think the Pats were going to win the game, and if so, by how much? A 0 would be a Vermont high school All-Star Team scrimmaging against a Florida high school All-Star Team, and a 10, well, we’ll get to that.
Loss Intensity- How painful was the loss itself? Not to crib a B.S. bit, but was the way the game played out particularly emotionally stressful? Pretty hard to get a 0 for a Super Bowl loss, but the 10s are obvious. Malcolm Butler. 28-3. Any Bills playoff game.
Insidiousness- Do you still think about the loss 20 years later? Did it alter your team’s trajectory in a catastrophic way? Did it completely reframe the way the season or team in general is perceived? A 0 is the Chiefs’ loss to Tampa, a 10 is 28-3 again.

I hope you all appreciate the mental strain I put myself through for this. Even spirits get sad watching Wes Welker drop passes. On to the ranking.

Tie-5. Super Bowl XX (1985)

Expectation: 0– One of the major regrets I have for my erstwhile life is that I didn’t ask my Dad more about the Before Times. I lost track of how often he told me how lucky I was and how bad the Pats used to be, and I usually just laughed it off. I should have realized one day I would have to write this and need context! I was not alive for this massacre, but I know enough to say that no one seriously considered the 1985 Patriots had a chance in the Super Bowl. They were a Cinderella team on a crazy run, and people were actually upset they beat the Dolphins and robbed everyone of Dolphins-Bears. Even back then, people couldn’t handle us winning! I personally would blame Dan Marino for putting up 14 points at home against an inferior opponent, but even in life, I had the rare gift of objectivity in the same place most people’s cry-about-the-Patriots cortex is in their brain. Anyway, even in the moment, people knew the 85 Bears were a legendary team. Pats had no shot.

Loss Intensity: 5– I always say I’d rather get blown out then lose at the last second. Just kill my hope early and give me plenty of time to figure out how to spin the loss into a positive somehow. But, like, I don’t want to get beat this bad. Final score was 46-10 and they pulled starters. The Pythagorean Expected Score of this game was 210-0. Look it up. The kind of loss that makes you just wish you had lost in the AFC Championship Game, because somehow that feels better than making the Super Bowl and getting demolished.

Insidiousness: 0– Time has blessed the team with anonymity. Be honest, did you even know the Patriots were the AFC’s sacrifice to the altar of the 85 Bears? I bet a good portion of you didn’t. But, since this was 40 years ago, it has the benefit of having all the good things come after to wash it away. Without it, would Pats fans be clinging to game like the poor Chargers fans still wearing their Stan Humphries jerseys? Who could say? Luckily, the Pats would go on to win six Super Bowls. Which is tied for most in the NFL with the Steelers, who have only won two since the word ‘concussion’ was invented. Anyway, this loss did kind of kill this version of the team. The GOAT John Hannah retired after the game. They made the playoffs in 86 but then not again for eight seasons when the Tuna saved them. Big positive is that mega-chode Craig James was out of the league shortly.

TOTAL: 5

Tie-5. Super Bowl XXXI (1996)

Expectation: 2- I was alive for this, but have no memory of it happening whatsoever. Honestly, I don’t even have memories of football being on our TV before I got into it, even though it most certainly was. 96 Pats get 2 Expectation points purely because of Bill Parcells (though, ironically, ol’ Tuna couldn’t help himself and announced he was leaving the Patriots a week before the game started because he was feuding with Bob Kraft). The Patriots were 14 point underdogs in this game. That’s not a typo. For context, the 85 Pats were only 10 point underdogs. 14 points in the Super Bowl is ridiculous (not the highest ever, though. Poor Chargers). In today’s FanDuel era, I don’t even know what would have to happen for a team to be a 14 point favorite in the Super Bowl. Maybe if the Broncos beat the Pats and it was Stidham vs. the crazy Seattle defense. Even then, I don’t think it would get that high. The 96 Packers are kind of a forgotten team, they were first in offense and defense and totally stacked all over the field.

Loss Intensity: 3- This is kind of the platonic ideal for an underdog Super Bowl loss? You can talk yourself into two or three things going differently, but the Packers were clearly better, and the Pats didn’t embarrass themselves, even had a quick two or three minute stretch where it looked like they were really in it before Desmond Howard’s kickoff return. Side note, but I kind of think Favre got screwed over not getting Super Bowl MVP. How many QBs can have 3 total TDs in a comfortable win and not get it? He’d even jump to the top of the “Worst Person to Win Super Bowl MVP” rankings. People forget Ray Lewis killed two people (allegedly).

Insidiousness: 0- Parcells left for the Jets, but a ton of guys were on both this team and 01, so it’s not like it was that devastating to the franchise. Bledsoe was kind of never the same (it’s hilarious to look at QB stats even from this era. People were just chucking the ball wherever and didn’t care who caught it). This loss 100% got cured by 01-04, even if we had to suffer through three middling Pete Carroll years. No Super Bowl loss is harmless, but this comes fairly close. I’d even argue that them winning this game would have done more harm, since Parcells leaving and Beldsoe not being an entrenched Super Bowl winning QB opened the door for what was to come.

TOTAL: 5

4. Super Bowl LX (2025)

Expectation: 5- Speaking only for myself, I thought things would go better. I won’t lie. I thought it’d be a tight game, evenly matched, and even if Seattle won, the Pats wouldn’t get blown out. Well… The final score is probably a little charitable. Seattle just didn’t seem like an all-time team, even though they were the best team in the league all season. Maybe that’s just my optimism speaking. It’s important to remember that the Pats were considerable underdogs in this game. The people around me seem to have forgotten. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard on the train this week say, “at least the Patriots lost,” or the unironic social media posts and comments thanking Seattle for beating them. You people aren’t allowed to say you root for underdogs ever again. The Patriots lost 13 games two years in a row, and now they come back from the dead with a young team and a 23-year-old QB and you root against them because the jersey they wear was good 10 years ago? Do you know how petty and small that is? Pathetic! Ignore all comments I’ve made about current Yankee players.

Loss Intensity: 6- A blowout in run-of-the-mill-two-score-game’s clothing. It was obvious early that it was gonna be a long night, but at least they had the nice five minute stretch of “uh-oh, 2016 anyone?” before Maye threw a backbreaking pick. Ranks this highly because it proved all the doubters right. Drake Maye had a miserable playoffs, and if he played well and the team was in it, all the schedule stuff (don’t worry, if the Browns do well next year with the easiest schedule, you won’t have to hear about it every week. It’s reserved for when the Patriots come out of the dumpster) would go away and we could throw out the bad playoff games. That didn’t happen. Sucks.

Insidiousness: 5-Being a spirit gave me hindsight, not foresight, so I’m just putting it at 5. The odds of it being a 0 are astronomically low- I’m not lucky enough to see my team win 12 Super Bowls. I don’t think it could be a 10 because they were underdogs and never really in it, so the team would have to completely implode, which I don’t think it will. Still too raw, but I’m mostly just bummed out for Drake Maye. He’ll bounce back. Now, if Ann Michael invites me on for the next episode of Beyond Bakemas, I’ll be positive Vrabel will get his coaching ring soon.

TOTAL: 16

3. Super Bowl XLVI (2011)

Expectation: 9- There’s a pretty clear divide between the bottom three and top three. I’ve mostly blocked this game from my memory, but looking back it’s just frustrating. 07 almost plays negatively into the expectation, since there was no way the Giants would do it again, right? The 2011 Pats were sick; the offensive stats are wild. Young Gronk and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Welker still slashing every defense to ribbons. Giants were 9-7! With a terrible defense! They somehow won their awful division and then went crazy in the playoffs. How did the Pats lose again???

Loss Intensity: 7- In a vacuum, it’s not the worst way to lose a Super Bowl ever. Tight the whole time, just lost at the end. Add in the Giants repeat and it gets doubled. It was literally the same game, just Welker dropping the key pass instead of Asante Samuel. No time to throw, Giants make enough plays to win on offense. At least the Manningham catch was all skill, not like some other plays. Giants weren’t lucky to win either game. Also important to remember that they were now eight seasons removed from their last Super Bowl win. This could have been life now, the reverse John Elway. Shoutout Gronk for almost catching the Hail Mary.

Insidiousness: 6- Again, the fact that it was the Giants again carries a lot of weight. It gets worse when you look at the Pro Football Reference page because the stats that year were so insane. Every now and then, I’ll think of Chase Blackburn of all people making a diving interception and break out in a cold sweat. I can still hear Gisele saying, “My husband cannot throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.” I was in college, and my friends were a pretty even split of Giants and Pats. Had to take my ration of abuse, but it makes you stronger. They probably don’t go on the second run without it.

TOTAL: 22

2. Super Bowl LII (2017)

Expectation: 10- The only two words needed are Nick Foles. Another Pats team with a sick offense and good defense facing a backup QB. I wasn’t entertaining the idea that they could lose.

Loss Intensity: 9- Brady had 500 yards and spent the entire game on a different plane of existence, but one strip sack and one drop on a stupid trick play is all it takes. The defense was just out to lunch. Blame Bill for the somehow still-not-100%-explained Malcolm Butler benching, but he’s one guy. The whole unit let Nick Foles light them on fire. One single stop and it’d be seen as the greatest Super Bowl performance ever by a QB. I was so stunned by this game I just sat there and watched the This is Us episode they ran after. The family’s house burned down.

Insidiousness: 8- I confess to still angrily thinking about this game, but I force myself to remember this is sandwiched between 28-3 and the 2018 title. That keeps it from being a 10. The only Brady loss that really was, like, two plays away from flipping. This game is why Jason Kelce is on your TV screen right this second. And this second. And this second. And this second, too. Without their championship parade, we’d never know how zany and relatable he is. That almost hurts more than the game. At least the offensive stars went nuts. There’s no solace for the Jason Kelce invasion.

TOTAL: 27

1. Super Bowl XLII (2007)

Expectation: 10- Did you really expect anything different? They were undefeated playing this random Giants team.

Loss Intensity: 9- As much as I wanted to give it a perfect score, the actual game can’t match 28-3. They just got beat. Helmet Catch still gives me an allergic reaction, even in death. Moss almost catching the Hail Mary. Lowest point total of the season. Belichick wearing a red hoodie for the first time ever. The perfect storm of weird things going wrong that hadn’t gone wrong all year. And they still had the game and blew it late.

Insidiousness: 10- Obvious 10. The most disappointing loss in pro sports history. 18-1 will live forever. As long as football exists, highlights of this game will be shown. Gave up immortality. Real ones know that they had been fading under the weight of the undefeated season and Spygate and that if they had just lost to the Ravens, they probably cruise to the title. Of course you’d trade undefeated regular season for Lombardi, but still. Just hurts. I was the perfect age to be permanently scarred by a sports loss. Young enough to still care way too much, old enough to follow all the outside noise and know how other fans thought. Made the mistake of going over to my friend’s house instead of staying to watch with my Dad. I don’t even remember going home. Still the worst night of my life. Okay, I’m finished. You can turn off the Ouija board, now.

TOTAL: 29

What Was More Impressive: the First Half of the Patriots’ Dynasty or the Second?

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Sorry, haters. Patriots won the Super Bowl yet again. Ho hum. The most unprecedented dynasty in the history of professional sports continues, making all of you losers sick. Please tell me how little you even care about football or how this represents evil winning or whatever it is the Deadspins of the world are saying today because they’re sick of their team not winning and have thus decided to paint the Patriots as a legitimately bad entity which is stupid and irresponsible but it’s okay because Tom Brady has a lot of money or something or about how no one actually counted them out or any other stupid hate you have in your heart. Give me all of it. It gives me strength. It gives me life knowing that your entire existence is made worse simply because Bill Belichick is smart enough to keep a roster together for 18 years. Oh, right, I forgot to add in to tell me about how they’re nefarious cheaters. That one definitely holds up if you spend ten seconds doing any research or free thinking whatsoever, you’re right. Whatever. Today isn’t about the sourpusses who are going to throw a party when all this theoretically ends but then realize how much they miss having them around after a few seasons of revolving doors of conference champions. Today is about the people who have been there from the beginning or even for those noble souls who, despite not being Patriots fans, have the brainpower to respect this dynasty. To them, I ask this question: was the first half of the run better, or was the second half better?

I suppose it’s a little disingenuous to divide it into two different periods since there’s really three. First was 2001-2007, where they won two Super Bowls, could have won five, and were unquestionably the best team in the league. Then there’s 2008-2013, where Brady got hurt, they had some weird years where they were kind of lost in the wild, momentarily had a revolutionary offense before another random Giants loss and a….high profile arrest, and were always just on the outside looking in. Then there’s 2014-now, where they’ve now won three Super Bowls and could have won two more in a different dimension. All in all, six Super Bowl victories in nine appearances and would have won two more in 2006 and 2013 if they hadn’t lost on the road in the AFC Championship game. It’s pure absurdity.

Anyway, 2001-2007 or 2014-now? 2001 was the first year I cared about football, so that season means a lot to me, and 2007 was my favorite team ever (too bad they canceled the Super Bowl that year). But the rest of those years are kind of hazy for me. I don’t remember a single thing from 2002 besides the Super Bowl, which did not involve the Patriots. 2003 and 2004 are kind of there, but not really. I have more memories from those episodes of America’s Game than the actual seasons. I don’t know why my brain has abandoned large portions of my adolescence, but it did. You could easily convince me 2005 never happened. The only thing I remember about 2006 is the AFC Championship Game. Reggie Wayne sort of fumbling the ball up into the air was the first time football ever momentarily killed me. Then 2007 gave me the worst night of my life. So from a personal level, this latest run was better and far more memorable. Was it better, though? It’s so hard to compare. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Patriots are constantly changing and adapting. Last night certainly reminded me of the old teams’ stifling defense, but I think their offensive prowess kind of gets underrated as the years go on. Their winning percentage is slightly better in this recent era, despite the fact that there’s, you know, an undefeated season mixed into the first one. I’m just gonna say this recent run is better. It’s been more fun and so much more satisfying as the haters run out of ground to stand on. I like grizzled Brady better, anyway. But hey, he kisses his kids on the mouth a little too late in their lives. So at least you’ve got that.

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The NFL’s Misguided Helmet Rule May Finally Kill the Patriots Dynasty

Folks, this NFL preseason has my blood boiling. I can’t believe the product I’m watching on the field is actually called football. After my years and years of dedication to this game I love, the NFL may finally have lost this fan. And all because of this god awful helmet rule. No, not the one all you small-brained people have been complaining about ad nauseam for weeks. I’m talking about the far more impactful one: the banning of certain helmet types, most notably the Ridell VSR-4. That’s what Thomas Edward Patrick Brady has worn since he entered the league.

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Now, in addition to the NFL willingly removing the players’ free will and autonomy, this is clearly yet another attempt by the NFL front office to rock the boat in New England. Outside of, like, three random games in 2011, Brady’s worn the same helmet in every single game of his career. It’s his signature look. It strikes fear into the hearts of the NFL. If you see a quarterback wearing a Ridell VSR-4, you know you’re about to lose in horrifying fashion. But now, because Goodell is desperately trying to do anything in his power to unseat the yearly de facto AFC champion, Brady needs a new look. Tom Brady is a 40-year-old man. If you ask him to change his style, you might as well just ask him to die.

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Now stuck sporting a Ridell SpeedFlex, Tom Brady goes into this season, for the first time since 2001, with some uncertainty about his standing in the league. This new, unfamiliar helmet could completely destroy everything he’s worked for. The NFL’s draconian decree that some helmet types are now outlawed, on the surface just a paper-thin attempt to cover their own ass, is obviously a shot at the reigning league MVP. I’m forced to imagine a universe where Adam Silver tells players LeBron James shoes are no longer allowed or Rob Manfred instructing the league that whatever glove webbing Mike Trout uses is officially illegal. I can’t make it more than two seconds into the thought experiment before it gets too absurd. To try and think of other leagues trying to drag their signature players into the mud is completely preposterous. And yet, for the thousandth year in a row, the NFL is doing everything short of sending assassins to the TB12 compound. Goodell legitimately wants Brady dead, and he’s done more to grow the game than any player in NFL history. Just makes you think if the current leadership really has the league’s best interest at heart.

Happy 4th of July

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We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator certain unalienable rights, that among those are the ability to eat ten billion hot dogs at a barbecue without judgment, taking off work because of the events of almost 250 years ago, and the pursuit of the perfect amateur fireworks display.

July 4th is, and always will be, a special day in America. It’s the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence (it always struck me as odd that just the signing got the holiday when England actually receiving word of the Declaration would be the more meaningful event, but alas. Also shout out to my boy Richard Henry Lee, who put forth the motion to declare independence, which was approved on July 2nd, 1776, only to be completely Independence-cucked by Thomas Jefferson and completely forgotten) by doing what our Founding Fathers would have done: drink a ton of beer, eat a ton of dogs and burgers, and generally do absolutely nothing until watching (or creating) a fireworks display. It’s a great time. It’s such a great time, in fact, that I’m not going to waste your time with an overly long piece about the merits or supposed faults of July 4th. Instead, here’s a bunch of inspiring videos.

Happy 4th of July, everybody.

Happy Birthday, Tom Brady

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Just wanted to give a quick shoutout to my guy, little-known quarterback Tom Brady. 40 years ago today, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. was born in San Mateo, California, and the world was never the same. August truly is the month for QBs (more on that at a later date). I’ve moved passed the point in my life where I wanted everyone to love him and couldn’t understand how anyone could dislike the greatest NFL player of all time. I get that some people just don’t like him and never will. It’s their loss, really, but I’m #done trying to convince them otherwise. I like being in the exclusive club of Brady Lovers. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like a winner. I won’t gush about him too much longer, since I’m sure everyone will be feeling Brady Fatigue by the end of the day. I just wanted to quickly celebrate one of the men responsible for at least three of the five greatest moments of my life. As someone who ties their entire sense of self-worth into the success of their football team, Brady has helped me create a somewhat less toxic self-image than what I would have if I were, say, a Jets fan. Of all the imaginary children I’ve had with various celebrities, at least 70% have been named Tom. What I’m trying to say is that Tom Brady is one of the most important people in my life, and the day he retires is going to be horrible.