Folks, we’ve officially entered a new age in the National Football League: the Age of the Browns Being Able to Win Football Games. Or are we still just stuck in the Age of the Jets Always Losing? As an eternal optimist, I’ll give the Browns the benefit of the doubt. And is it any surprise that a team that decided to partake in the now optional Color Rush turned to an exciting new chapter in franchise history? No, it really isn’t. The brown jersey haters were absolutely beside themselves last night, and they simply couldn’t believe how good Baker Mayfield looked slinging the rock wearing that chocolate gear. Baker looks good (which I knew he would be even though I might not have ever said it on here and he was also the number one overall pick so it’s not like I was going out on a limb or anything), which is more than can be said for a Browns’ QB since Derek Anderson. Yikes. We’ve got another couple weeks of success before the Browns fans go from feel-good losers to annoying, mind-bendingly arrogant assholes because that’s what happens in 2018 when long-dormant teams have a morsel of success (quite possibly my absolute least-favorite social media trend of all time), so enjoy it while you can. Anyway, on to the rest of week 3. All lines from Bovada.
Remember when the Jets won the Super Bowl in Week 1?
Buffalo Bills at Minnesota Vikings (-17)
There is no line big enough to scare me away from picking against the Bills. They are astoundingly bad.
Green Bay Packers (-3) at Washington Redskins
Knowing Aaron Rodgers may or may not be playing on a torn ACL has to be worrying for anyone with a vested interest in the Packers’ long term success, but that shouldn’t really matter for this week. The Redskins just got beat down by the Colts, and the Colts are quite bad. Pretty sure Deshone Kizer could cover this one.
Denver Broncos at Baltimore Ravens (-5)
The Ravens are 100% going to be the team no one can figure out all year and everyone is surprised when they sneak into the playoffs. Not me, though. Call it PTSD, but I’m keen to the Ravens’ game, here. I know the Bills are dreadful, but beating an NFL team by 40 is hard, and the Bengals might actually be pretty good. West team coming east for a 1 o’clock game away from their massive home field advantage? Ravens might win comfortably, only to lose next week by 24.
Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)
For some reason, Carson Wentz is back. Why they’re rushing him back to face an inferior opponent in week 3? Your guess is as good as mine. Still this actually gives me hope for the Colts, here. I don’t care how good you are, unless you’re Adrian Peterson the first few games back from an ACL are gonna be rocky. This should be ugly and low scoring, which means the underdogs should be able to hang in.
San Francisco 49ers at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)
We’re still in the middle of the early season Chiefs blitzkrieg, so don’t be surprised if they jump out to a 21-0 lead on a still-sleepy Niners D. However, and no one really wants to address this, the Chiefs defense is complete trash. They’re going to invite the Niners to get back into the game. Jimmy G has looked a little shaky this year. If he can’t take advantage of this Chiefs “defense?” They won’t be coming from me, but some people might start asking some questions.
New York Giants at Houston Texans (-6)
Wait, the Texans are 0-2 and just lost to Blaine Gabbert and are six point favorites? How bad are the Giants? The answer is very. This games makes me want to puke, so I’ll just move on.
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3)
I think it might be time to be sort of worried about the Saints. A loss to the cosmic force known as Fitzmagic is no shame, but a near loss to a pre-Baker, pre-Color Rush Browns? Both at home? I don’t know, man. They’re good for fantasy purposes, but they might not be good in real life. The Falcons, meanwhile, might actually be very good. Everyone wrote them off after an opening night loss, but if they climb back to 2-1 with three tough games back-to-back-to-back, they might start to forget they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.
Cincinatti Bengals at Carolina Panthers (-3)
Bengals-Panthers- maybe a good game? Who would have thought? The Bengals are in their perfect sweet spot right now: win enough games to get everyone asking if they’re actually good, only to lose enough important games to let everyone know they aren’t. I think we’re going to move into the second stage of the formula on Sunday. Plus, come on. Andy Dalton on the road in a Hurricane Game? Please.
Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins (-3)
Someone wake me up when this game ends.
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)
I’m pretty sure Blaine Gabbert is starting again. Yeah.
Los Angeles Chargers at Los Angeles Rams (-7)
It’s the crosstown battle no one asked for! Get excited! I actually think this game is perfect for a Phil Rivers backdoor special. Rams will go up early, kind of take their foot off the gas, Chargers come roaring back to get within four, Rams either go on a clock-killing drive or cause a backbreaking turnover, game over. All those Angeleno Charger fans go home sad.
Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-1.5)
Seahawks might be bad. Like, real bad. Every single game is 100% Russell Wilson or bust. They’ve got no playmakers anywhere. And the Dallas defense is apparently good now. If their offense is good enough (tough ask because Dak stiiiiiiiinks), they might win this easily. Seahawks still being favored is a legacy pick pure and simple.
Chicago Bears (-5.5) at Arizona C*******s
If you’re new, I’m officially censoring the Arizona team name because I care about my readers’ well-being and don’t want to trigger any suicidal thoughts by mentioning the worst offense of all time. Anyway, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I need a haircut. Finally, after months of searching, I found someone I like. Only problem is, in between the last time I went and now, she (yeah, it’s a she, nbd. Sorry I’m fancier than all you guys that get a $15 buzz cut from your boy down the street) moved to a job. Now, I found her new place via her Instagram (which I don’t follow and she never told me to follow, I’m just a good detective) (I’m 90% sure she’s lesbian so it’s less weird). We got along well enough, but it’s not like we were hanging out every day, or anything. Would it be okay to show up to her new place? Or would that be way too creepy? Do I have to start my search yet again? Why is my life so hard?
New England Patriots (-7) at Detroit Lions
The big question going into this game is, of course, what to expect from Josh Gordon? Honestly, maybe 10 snaps? Which means he’ll get 8 catches for 207 yards and 3 tds. Don’t want to set expectations too high. Patricia owes the Pats big time for getting him this job, so this one will be over quickly.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs
Remember when the Steelers were going to win the Super Bowl this year because they had so much talent and they were finally going to put it all together? Good times. They’re falling apart at the seams, and when all your best players are raging assholes all day everyday, it’s kind of tough to bring it back together. And now they have to go on the road to Fitzmagic’s house? Uh-oh. We may see multiple deaths on Monday night, one of which may be Jameis Winston’s career. Steelers’ D is so bad Fitz might put up 500 yards. But the Steelers are definitely beating the Pats this year.