Monday Thoughts Week 3

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It’s some more Monday Thoughtsβ„’ coming directly at your face, whether you want them or not. I suggest you buckle up, because week 3 was a pretty wild ride. Who can predict the NFL, amirite? So much parity, just how Overlord Goodell likes it. On to the games.

  • Turns out Patrick Mahomes is still God. Pity unto us mortals who can’t do this
  • I think it’s safe to call the Chiefs a wagon, but, according to their official Twitter account, the four sacks they piled up today were NOT enough to give the good people of the Kansas City metro area a BOGO Big Mac. Sad.
  • R.I.P. in peace Jimmy G. Gone, but not forgotten.
  • Unfortunately, now that the 49ers’ season is over, the last 62,398 teams to be picked as the hot sleeper team have failed to live up to expectations.
  • Damn, turns out the Bengals can’t beat tough competition. I’m surprised, at least.
  • The Panthers have a partnership with Krispy Kreme where you can get a dozen for $5.99 if the Panthers win, so maybe the Bengals actually just threw the game?
  • You: “I wonder what it would look like if an Amish guy became the ringleader of an early 20th-century circus.” Me:
  • I legit don’t know what the hell happened to the Vikings. The Bills are still the worst team in the league, this win didn’t change that. But they totally dominated what was supposed to be an elite Super Bowl contender. How does that happen?
  • Oh, yeah. The Bills have Josh Allen, aka Yung GOAT
  • They also forced a trillion fumbles and recovered all of them and got really lucky all game so it was just a fluke, but still.
  • But the Vikings officially stink.
  • Case Keenum….not the next Kurt Warner
  • People forget Ray Lewis killed two guys
  • Coherent as ever, Ray! Love listening to you speak.
  • The fact that some games this week were more boring than Broncos-Ravens is simply preposterous.
  • One more time for the people in the back: ANDREW LUCK ISN’T GOOD AND ONLY HAS A GOOD REPUTATION BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT HIM BEING THE NEXT ELWAY.
  • They even put my boy Jacoby Brissett in for the Hail Mary since Luck’s arm is so shot.
  • Still, if you haven’t seen Darius Leonard play yet, you should. He’s awesome
  • Carson Wentz is back, proving yet again that NFL coaches have no idea what they’re doing. How can you bench a Super Bowl MVP?
  • Texans are dead. But they’ll definitely go deep into the playoffs this year.
  • I feel like there’s going to be some whispers about Deshaun Watson’s play this year, but he is coming off a major knee injury and his offensive line is one of the worst in the league. He also compounds things by refusing to throw the ball less than ten minutes after the ball is snapped. I wouldn’t panic or anything, but a few more weird games like this and the questions might become legitimate.
  • JJ Watt is back, at least.
  • R.I.P. people of Houston, pt. 2
  • There are a lot of boring team Twitter accounts, but the Giants might have the most banal. If you can find any personality there, let me know.
  • Giants should switch to white pants permanently
  • Adrian Peterson 120 yards and 2 tds on only 17 carries? Really hope I actually woke up in 2010 because my life was significantly better then.
  • Clay Matthews’s life is so hard and he gets called for bad penalties wah, wah, wah
  • Don’t know what to tell people. That’s a clear roughing the passer. Has been since the 70s. Learn the game.
  • Feel like Aaron Rodgers should just get surgery or something before his leg falls off his body. D.C. grass takes years off healthy legs, who knows what it does to torn ACLs.
  • If a team wins its first three games but no one in the world cares, does it really count? Dolphins fans say yes.
  • Ryan Tannehill’s really taken a step forward this season. Just look at this pass!
  • Raiders stink, as we all figured. The haters will say the Dolphins don’t stink, but the real ones know they really do stink. Week one was so weird you can just throw it out the window, then they played the Jets and Raiders, who have one combined win. Dolphins stink, don’t worry.
  • Big XII football is slowly making its way into the NFL, and we finally saw the defensive strategies that dominate the conference come up to the big leagues in the Saints-Falcons game.
  • Both Michael Thomas and Alvin Kamara are on pace to shatter the single season reception record. I don’t even know why I am this way, but I want this so bad. I’ve always been obsessed with reception numbers. Jarvis Landry getting 100 catches for like 700 yards last year was my dream. I need as many guys with 100 catches as possible.
  • Drew Vick?
  • Drew Brees became the all time leader in completions, will become the all time leader in yards next week or the week after, and will become the all time leader in TDs next season. Sooooo, who still thinks Peyton Manning is the GOAT?
  • Julio Jones’ comical inability to score touchdowns is becoming my favorite NFL storyline.
  • Titans-Jags was the worst game of all time. Period.
  • Fire teal pants, though
  • Rams are entering “so good they’re boring” territory.
  • However, both Marcus Peters and Aqib Talib might miss games with injury. Too bad they still have two of the ten best defensive tackles of all time and the best offense in the league.
  • Phil Rivers down two scores at 6:45pm is my adult blanket.
  • I would like to ignore Bears-C*******s, but I just can’t.
  • If I were a Bears fan, I’d be kind of nervous about Mitchell. Actually, scratch that. I’d be really nervous about Mitchell.
  • I don’t know how many of you follow the Bears Twitter account (just me? Really?), but it’s really weird. For starters, they don’t use the word “the,” opting for the always relevant “da.” Really keeping a beloved, evergreen bit alive. Also, they use these comic book graphics that I kind of love:
  • Just a little fun little slice of life in the bleak hellscape of pro sports team Twitter accounts.
  • Petition to ban the C*******s from the league.
  • Dak Prescott STINKS. He’s really bad. Like, one of the worst in the league. He’s dreadful.
  • Every Cowboy game is always the second most boring game of the week. Thank God they don’t play the C*******s.
  • Damn, crazy they cancelled the Sunday night game. Weird move.
  • This obviously isn’t going according to plan thus far, but if I know anything, I know that the Pats are going toΒ massacre the Dolphins next week. Book it.
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