Author: Brian

UConn Men’s Basketball Being Investigated for Potential Recruiting Violations

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ESPN– The University of Connecticut is the target of an NCAA investigation into its men’s basketball program.

University President Susan Herbst said in a statement Friday that the school will cooperate in a “thorough and transparent manner reflective of the model athletic and academic institution we continually strive to be.”

The university didn’t specify the allegations and said it would have no further comment, but would “address and respond appropriately as the inquiry moves forward.”

Hearst Connecticut Media, which first reported the investigation, cited unidentified sources saying the inquiry was related to recruiting.

Letttt’sssssssssssss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! I know I should react differently to my alma mater getting dragged into a potentially serious recruiting scandal, but I can’t help it. I guarantee this is just another case of a player taking a bunch of money. Oh no, not that! How can I possibly live with the moral implications of supporting a team that pays the players that produce millions of dollars of revenue for the school? I’d never recover.

Listen, theoretically, cheating is bad. I don’t really care, personally, and literally every single college basketball and football team that’s worth anything gives the top level recruits bags of unmarked bills, but hey, if you want to feel good about yourself you can say cheating is bad. You know what’s definitely bad? Being barely over .500 in the American Conference and, barring some miracle, missing the NCAA Tournament two out of the last three years. Kevin Ollie SUCKS. His “offense” is grade-school level at best. No UConn player has actually gotten better in their time in Storrs since Shabazz Napier, who, you know, wasn’t coached by Ollie until his senior season. His excuse for every loss is that the team isn’t “tough enough.” He never takes responsibility for his terrible game-planning and in-game “strategy,” despite the fact that he’s the coach and it’s his job to put the team in position to win, thus making virtually every loss his fault. And while I understand how many injuries there have been this season and the limitations being stuck in the AAC puts on the recruiting pool, but it’s also his fault the roster is trash. It’s literally 100% his fault UConn basketball sucks, which it never should. Which is why this potential scandal pumps me up. I’ve seen that the state of Connecticut doesn’t really want to pay his buyout and another coach at the same time. Well, virtually every big time university puts in some kind of “rules violation clause” that allows them to dump a coach caught up in something like this, so we just have to keep our fingers crossed that whatever happened happened under his watch. I don’t even care who the replacement coach is, because any organism capable of independent thought would be an upgrade. A scandal like this also gets UConn’s name back out there. The R.J. Barretts and Zion Williamsons of the world aren’t thinking about a mediocre team in a mediocre conference with a mediocre roster with a less than mediocre coach. But when it’s confirmed that you get paid to play there? Now we’re talking. Now there’s some intrigue. Now they’re thinking, “well, I used to question why I would spend my one year in college on a remote campus in the middle of Connecticut that’s surrounded by farmland and becomes a giant wind tunnel in the winter, but now that they’ve given me $100,000 and a new car, I’m sold!” One and done guys don’t care about getting caught, and nor should they. Once the penalties have run their course, this little scandal can only help UConn return to relevancy. So please, NCAA, do your worst.

Anyone Who Thinks Daniel Day-Lewis is Really Retiring is a Fool

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Following the announcement of this year’s Oscar nominations yesterday morning, I figured I’d check out Phantom Thread. It picked up a ton of nominations and was one of the few prestige movies I hadn’t seen yet. Simple enough (yes, I went to the movie theater while sick, which means I not only helped the theater industry, but the struggling medical industry as well. The more people I get sick, the more people have to go to the doctor. Ipso facto, I should get a cut of all medical bills for the next week or so). Only problem was, this being a fancy movie, it wasn’t showing at either of my go-to joints and I had to go to an unknown theater. I’m not using hyperbole when I say they had the worst seats of all time. It was like sitting on a 2×4 that was on top of a bunch of bricks. And let me tell you, this was not the right movie to watch in an uncomfortable seat. It was typical Paul Thomas Anderson- pretty slow, kinda boring, pretentious, a little weird, but satisfying nonetheless. It was a 2 hour movie that felt like 20. I would have run out of the theater when the end credits rolled if my back wasn’t damaged beyond repair.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this. The main draw for Phantom Thread is, of course, Daniel Day-Lewis. Not only is he fantastic yet again doing a cross between Woody Allen and Larry David as the brilliantly named Reynolds Woodcock, but this is billed to be his final role. That’s right, DDL, the GOAT, the Method Man, the craziest person who ever lived, is hanging them up. Whether or not he ends his legendary career ends with a stunning fourth Oscar is yet to be seen, but it doesn’t even matter. His legacy is set in stone either way. Has been since Last of the Mohicans. He’ll long be remembered as one of the greatest actors to ever live. I’m just sad to see it end. Or rather, I would be if it was actually ending.

If you’re convinced DDL is done, then I’ve got an offshore bank account with 5 million dollars in it that I’ll split with you once I use your social security number to access it. There is absolutely NO CHANCE this guy is done. For starters, he retires after every movie. Take on look at the trivia section of his iMDb page. They had to drag him out of exile to make Gangs of New York! That came out in 2002! Every time he makes a movie he does his method bit, needs some time off to decompress, then comes back when he realizes he has nothing else. He’s a trained cobbler and wanted to be a cabinet maker. Would you rather make shoes and cabinets or be an actor who gets relentlessly showered with praise and awards every time you make a movie? Man, that’s a tough choice. I have no idea what I’d go with. But then again, I have my own motivations and personality. Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t. I honestly don’t think there’s a real Daniel Day-Lewis. The being we call Daniel Day-Lewis is merely a husk; an empty vessel in the shape of a man. Its only purpose is to channel the spirit of greater, (mostly) terrible men. The crazy stories that come out about its on-set behavior are seen as comical dedication to the Method, but in reality that’s just how the characters he’s channeling would react if put in the same position. DDL physically and emotionally becomes the characters he’s playing. The meek, milquetoast wallflower you see sticking to the perimeter of the red carpet is merely the being taking efforts to avoid interactions when not hosting a more interesting personality. He’s not a real person. Supposedly he has two children and I can’t imagine having a worse father. One day you’re hanging out with quiet, unassuming dad and the next Bill the Butcher is ruining your birthday party by killing five of your friends for looking at him the wrong way. There’s a 0% chance those kids have a normal relationship with him. I’d be surprised if he even knew their names he’s adopted so many different personalities over the years. I give him two years. Two years of being “Daniel Day-Lewis,” making shoes with a family he doesn’t know that undoubtedly resents him and being the most boring person of all time before he realizes he needs to come back. I flat-out refuse to believe he’s actually retired. When he wins his sixth Oscar 15 years from now, I’ll try not to say I told you so.

2018 NBA All Star Reserves

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First off, I’d like to make it known that I am battling what appears to be the onset of a pretty nasty cold/flu, so it’s courageous that I’m even writing this at all. It’s true that not all heroes wear capes, because I’m certainly not sporting anything resembling one. Whatever- as we all know, pain is just weakness leaving the body. Better to get this sickness out of the way now so I come out of the woods stronger for the Super Bowl and All Star Weekend. Speaking of All Star Weekend, after last Thursday’s All Star starter revelation, the reserves are being announced tonight. I made my starter picks on Thursday as well, and keen-eyed readers will notice that I did not, in fact, get them 100% correct. I’m not too beat up about it since, in my mind, Embiid and Cousins were locks to make the team, anyway. So as long as my two guys still make it, the NBA can consider it water under the bridge. But, in the immortal words of Stephen A. Smith, you don’t want to make an enemy out of me. Put in Horford and Towns or else! Anyway, here are the only legitimate selections for the All Star reserves in 2017-18.

East

  • Victor Oladipo, Indiana Pacers– I imagine he’s got Most Improved locked up already, and well deserved. He’s singlehandedly made the Pacers decent (which, depending on your point of view, could actually be a bad thing), and could easily have been named a starter. He’s a stone cold lock.
  • Kyle Lowry, Toronto Raptors– I get that no one takes the Human Peach Emoji or the Raptors seriously, but there’s a reason they have the second best record in the conference. Yes, DeRozan is their best player, but Lowry is just as important. He’s one of the best point guard defenders in the league, knocks down 3s, is a tough rebounder, and just generally makes the team better. I’m not saying they’ll make the Finals or anything, but the 6 deserves two All Stars again.
  • Al Horford, Boston Celtics– Already covered.
  • Kristaps Porzingis, New York Knicks– He’s been iiiicccccccccceee cold lately, but the body of work is still there. Finally freed from the shackles of Carmelo Anthony, Kristaps became the number one option on a team devoid of scoring. His field goal percentage isn’t great, but he’s also the only guy on the team that can even come close to creating their own shot on a regular basis. He also leads the league in blocks and is a 7’3″ person who handles the ball and shoots 3s. Plus, there would be a riot in New York if he wasn’t named.
  • Andre Drummond, Detroit Pistons– I get that the team is terrible, but every East team is terrible so it’s okay. Drummond leads the league in rebounding and brought his free throw shooting from “worst in the history of basketball” to “just plain bad,” which means he can actually play the whole game now. Going back to the rebounding, I feel like everyone is just glossing over the fact that he’s getting 15 a game. 15 a game is pretty darn impressive, and the fact that he has to play with Reggie Jackson shouldn’t be held against him. Also, I don’t know if you knew this, but I went to UConn. At the same time as Drummond. It’s almost like we’re friends.
  • Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards– With John Wall having an injury-plagued and weirdly lethargic season, Beal finally makes his All Star debut after a couple years of being left on the outside looking in. Listen, the Wizards stink and I’m glad they stink, but don’t blame Beal. He’s been filling it up all season and playing better D than he ever has. He’s shooting a bizarrely low percentage from 3 for a guy with one of the three most perfect jumpers in the league, but that can’t keep him out.
  • Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers– If I could name Erik Spoelstra or the Heat’s Miami Vice jerseys to the team, I would. The Heat piecing together a top-4 record on the strength of a bunch of weird lineups and grit is one of the best stories of the year, but I just can’t see them having an All Star. Goran Dragic comes closest, but his numbers aren’t even his career best. So, I decided to give it to Simmons, because why the hell not? It’d be more fun to have another freak athlete generational passer in the game. He’s a rookie averaging 16-8-7. I’d call that pretty decent.

West

  • Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder– It’s somehow gone under the radar that he’s almost averaging a triple double again this season.
  • Klay Thompson, Golden State Warriors– Second greatest shooter of all time having his best shooting season? Yes please.
  • Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves– Already covered.
  • Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors– Yes, all four Warriors make it. That’s what happens when you’re one of the greatest teams of all time. The reigning DPOY should probably win it again this year, and he’s the Warriors best passer. You don’t have to like him, but you have to respect him.
  • LaMarcus Aldridge, San Antonio Spurs– Somehow the Spurs keep on keeping on, and Aldridge turning back into Blazers Aldridge is the biggest non-Pop reason. He’s tying the highest offensive rating of his career and is in the middle of the West’s best defense. Without Kawhi, Aldridge is the annual Spurs representative.
  • Jimmy Butler, Minnesota Timberwolves– I know I was staunchly anti-Jimmy in the offseason, but that was only in regards to the Celtics selling the farm to acquire him. But as long as a different team went all in on him, I like him. And, so far, I’d have to say the Wolves are pretty happy with their investment. He’s just a junkyard dog on both ends of the floor. I think he could play 3 games in one day. He’s changed the proverbial culture in Minnesota.
  • Paul George, Oklahoma City Thunder– Apologies to Damian Lillard, who I genuinely feel bad for. If he was in the East or born five years earlier or later he’d have a million All Star and All NBA appearances, but, alas, he’s stuck being the fifth best guard in the West. He might make the team this year, but I like George. He’s shooting a career high 3 point percentage and, in my opinion, has been the best perimeter defender in the league this season. Aside from his low field goal percentage, PG can claim the prestigious honor of being the only player Russell Westbrook has ever made better.

I Think the Patriots Have Taken 20 Years Off My Life

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First of all, I’d like to acknowledge the fact that no one wants to hear me, a Patriots fan, complain about playoff games that my team wound up winning. So, kudos to me for recognizing that. Now, on to the complaining.

I’m assuming you watched the Patriots game on Sunday. You must have, since it was the AFC Championship Game. Did you know it was the Pats’ 7th straight? I almost didn’t tune in because they’re so commonplace to me and I already knew what the result would be. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t watched because, once again, the Pats dragged me through the emotional ringer. Got dominated early. Pats were crawling around in the dirt bleeding out, begging to be put out of their misery, but, of course, the Jags take a knee with 55 seconds to go in the first half even though they had two timeouts. When they did that I knew what was going to happen and it was still a super stressful half. And it’s easy to sit there and say I should expect a comeback by now since it’s happened so often and that I should be desensitized to early leads, but that’s just not in my nature. I live to emotionally check out of games as early as possible. I was practically begging the Jags to step on their throat, just like I was hoping the Falcons would keep pouring it on. If the Pats lose I’d rather it be by 30 than 3. Yeah, it’s embarrassing, but at least I’ve been mentally prepared for it since the second quarter. But nooo. Other teams get so scared of having the lead that they just give the game away. If a team goes on a run of unanswered points on the Pats their sideline goes crazy like they just won the Super Bowl, but then the Pats score and all of a sudden they panic. It’d be like 45-3 and the Pats score going into the half and you just know the other team is going to spend the entire half talking about how they’re going to blow it. And of course the Pats gladly oblige. Winning a million championships is awesome and everything (I highly recommend it), but maybe win a game by a comfortable margin every now and then? Is thinking of my health too much to ask?

And this Jags game didn’t have to go this way at all. The Pats don’t lose to the Jags. Everyone in America knew what was going to happen the whole game. Pats just flat out don’t lose to teams like the Jags or the Falcons or the Eagles. They just don’t. They lose to teams like the Giants, Broncos, and Ravens who either have rich histories of being good or have been good pretty much every year since they got out of the expansion phase. Fake teams like the Jags don’t win in Gillette in January. The Jags beat sorry teams like the Steelers, not the Pats. The Falcons beat loser QBs like Aaron Rodgers, not the Pats. There was a 0% chance the Pats were actually going to lose their last, like five playoff games and they found ways to make them interesting. Maybe instead of toying with the poor people of Jacksonville, just win by a lot and save everyone the trouble? No disrespect to the Jags, who I like and wish continued success, but they just weren’t going to win. Especially when they started playing scared and playing not to lose. Like what if the Pats just start the game in hurry up, pass every down, and score at will in the first quarter instead of the fourth? I don’t know, just spitballing here. I know better than to question Belichick. And I know Brady only truly becomes Brady when he’s down multiple scores late, but how about for the Super Bowl we find out happens when they play with a huge lead? Maybe? Probably not. I’d bet my life on the Eagles leading at the half and the Pats winning another nailbiter. Oh well. If I die early, at least I can say I rooted for the greatest.

NFL Championship Game Picks

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The Final Four. The last teams standing after a grueling 2017-18 season. Jaguars. Patriots. Vikings. Eagles. A murderer’s row of historically successful NFL teams. There’s a little bit of everything this weekend: a fast, fun, trash talking and playmaking defense in Jacksonville, a potential team of destiny in Minnesota, a “nobody believes in us” one seed in Philly, and the Pats. Two juicy, intriguing matchups that theoretically go either way. Well, they could go either way if you don’t already know what’s going to happen. Luckily, I do, so you can rest easy placing bets on Sunday if you simply follow my sage advice. This is the last day with more than one football game until September, so savor it. Maybe order an extra pizza or a dozen more wings than you usually get. It has to last two weeks, after all. There’s a lot to talk about with each of these games, so might as well dive right in.

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots (-8)

Until Wednesday, this was looking like just another AFC Championship Game for the Pats. Seven in a row, ho-hum. The only possible talking point was some manufactured drama about whether or not the Pats’ typical “our opponent is the greatest team of all time” speech was genuine or not. But then disaster struck and Tom Brady picked up a mysterious hand injury that is either brilliant gamesmanship or a serious injury that may have a dramatic impact on the game. I’m inclined to go with the latter. Belichick never gives anything away, so his dismissive press conference was no cause for alarm, but Brady’s?

Yikes. That doesn’t sound like someone who definitely doesn’t have a hand injury. I’m hoping him wearing those gloves all day are just a way to boost the Under Armour #brand, but my brain is telling me otherwise. It sounds pretty obvious and reductive to say, but I think this game will be pretty obvious after the first Patriots drive. Quarterbacks can’t exactly hide a throwing hand injury. If he’s feeling good and can make all the throws he usually does, I don’t think the Jags will stand a chance. The Jags’ D is excellent, yes, but it’s far from invincible. They’ve given up 40+ points twice in the last four games. They have absolutely nothing for Gronk that doesn’t involve repeated hits to his head and knees. And all this talk about the Jags’ d, but guess who allowed the fifth fewest points per game in the NFL? Did you guess the Pats? I hope so because that’s the answer. The lowly Patriots who can’t stop a nosebleed don’t allow points. Who’d a thunk it? Don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but Belichick takes away what you do best. You think he’s gonna let Bortles start scrambling around, moving the chains, and chucking deep? Something tells me no. A healthy Brady means another Super Bowl appearance that will probably take another five years off my life. But that’s the other side of the coin. If the hand isn’t right, if he can’t grip the ball or the throws are all over the place or if the keep cutting to him and the trainer working on the hand on the sideline things might get a little hairy. Jags get an early stop or early pick, get out to a lead, then the feeding frenzy is on. Or if, god forbid, Brian Hoyer has to come in you know the Jags D will have stars in their eyes. Brady is an irreplaceable superstar, so if he’s not 100% the Pats are going to struggle. That’s really the only chance the Jags have, to be honest. So, if possible, wait until after the first Pats drive to put in your bet. It should be clear right away. Healthy= Pats cover, hurt= Jags cover. But, since I need to make a pick and I’m a homer, I’m going to pray he’s healthy.

Pick: Pats -8

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Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

If you were paying attention last week or on Tuesday, you know I teased this game as the ultimate matchup of Loser DNA. Once again, no Wentz means you can kind of throw out the numbers. These are the two best defenses in the NFC by almost any measure, anyway. It’s going to be ugly and low scoring. One play will decide it. Which is where the Loser DNA comes in. It won’t be who makes the play. It’ll be who gives it up. And one team is working with a much, much worse case of LDNA than the other. Philly fans are, by nature, pessimistic and quick to predict doom. But they don’t really have all that many terrible losses. Matter of fact, most memorable Eagles moments I can think of wind up with the Birds on top. They don’t really have the crushing losses, they’re just always kind of bad. Sure, McNabb and Reid should have won a Super Bowl, but that’s it. That’s not a cosmically bad case of LDNA. That’s the kind of LDNA that can be overcome. The Eagles are the exact kind of team that can still win a championship and escape decades of losing because it doesn’t seem like the universe is against them. They just haven’t won yet. The Vikings, on the other hand. Last week I said they would beat the Saints and be heavily favored in the NFC Championship and blow it because that’s the the Vikings do. Then they blew the lead on the Saints and I thought, well, this is what the Vikings do, too, so I guess I can live with being wrong. But then they pull off one of the luckiest, most stunning game winning plays in NFL history. It might have been the loudest stadium of all time. Reaction videos came pouring in. Tortured Vikings fans saying all those years of heartbreak were worth it. That surely they were going to the Super Bowl now. A Super Bowl in their home stadium, if you hadn’t heard. Vikings fans’ hope has never been higher. Last week I said the Vikings would beat the Saints then lose to an inferior opponent because that’s what the Vikings do. This week I’m saying losing a very winnable NFC Championship Game against Nick Foles with the first ever home team Super Bowl berth on the line after pulling of a miraculous victory that got every Vikings fan to buy in is such a certainty that I might take out ten different loans so I can bet every possible penny on the Eagles. It’s just what the Vikings do.

Pick: Eagles +3.5

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NBA All Star Starters Are Announced Tonight

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So either they moved the date up to coincide with the earlier start of the season or I’m just getting old and senile and can’t remember things anymore, but it feels like they’re announcing the All Star Starters at least a week earlier than they normally do. Either way, it’s happening tonight. After years of stupefying fan voting results that drew a line in the sand between people saying “it’s a game for the fans, who cares?” and people with brains who pointed out that they use All Star Game starts and appearances when building Hall of Fame cases, so maybe it’s not a good thing that Yao is leading the fan voting after playing five games, the league finally scaled back the weight of fan votes and gave the players and coaches a say, too. And, of course, there’s this year’s new format: no more East vs. West. The top vote-getters from each conference will select their squads from the pool of All Stars (selected in the same process as always), with the voted-on Starters being divided equally to ensure that they, you know, start. In an atypically head-scratching move from the usually savvy NBA, the All Star draft won’t be televised. Huh? What’s the point of the draft if you can’t see it happening live? How is the NBA seriously going to pass up this chance for some easy ratings? If you got all the All Stars in a room and had (presumably) LeBron and Steph go back and forth taking guys, you’re telling me nothing TV-worthy would happen? What if Steph rigs it so LeBron has to pick Kyrie? Will Westbrook try and persuade his captain to avoid KD? Who’s getting picked last? If the NBA made this pay-per-view I wouldn’t hesitate to hand the NBA a blank check. Not televising this is an NHL-level move. Such a wasted opportunity, and it doesn’t sound like Adam Silver is in any hurry to change it. SMH. Anyway, here’s who should (not who will, but who should) be named as the ten starters tonight.

East

  • Kyrie Irving, Boston Celtics– The good thing about doing this is that the cases for who should be starting pretty much build themselves. Kyrie’s numbers are pretty much the same as last year’s, but if you actually watch the Celtics play you know he’s gotten better. He’s trying on defense, meshing well in a new offense, and is always money in the clutch. He’s lead the Celtics to the best record in the East and will undoubtedly get voted as a starter.
  • DeMar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors– If you told me in 2010 that DeMar DeRozan was about to be named to his fourth All Star Game, I would have said you were crazy. Guy just keeps getting better. His playmaking is at an all time high and he’s raised his 3-point shooting from Tony Allen level to “at least pretend to guard him out there,” which is a bigger leap than you might think. Raptors look better than ever, which means their playoff loss will be more disappointing than ever.
  • LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers– Is this guy any good?
  • Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks– I’m lot lying when I say I spelled his name right on the first try and I’m very proud of it. For all the talk of “once he gets a jumper, watch out,” it’s beginning to look like he may not even need one.
  • Al Horford, Boston Celtics– I know I’m a homer, but Al deserves it. The haters and losers will say he’s only averaging 13 and 8, but they’re ignoring the career-best 3-point percentage and over 5 assists per game. He’s the ultimate glue player. Actually, he’s not even a glue guy. He’s like an epoxy guy. He fills in all the gaps for the East’s best team on offense and defense. He makes the offense go with his passing, positioning, and efficient shooting, and is the anchor of the conference’s stingiest defense. I’m sure Embiid will get the vote, and he certainly deserves a roster spot, but I think Horford has done enough as the most important player on the best team to earn a start.

West

  • Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors– I feel like people forget how good Steph is. If he makes his next five shots he’ll be at 50-40-90 for the season, and since he returned from injury he’s been scorching-magma hot. There are people who don’t think he’s one of the five best players in the league, remember that.
  • James Harden, Houston Rockets– So tempting to put Lou Williams here, but as long as Harden is healthy, the spot’s his. He’s played 35 games compared to 42+ for everyone else and is still third in the league in total points and shooting career high percentages from the field.
  • Kevin Durant, Golden State Warriors– Absurdly efficient and one of the leading candidates for Defensive Player of the Year? Yikes.
  • Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans– You could really take either one of the Pelicans’ Big 2 here and I’d be fine with it, but I think Davis is just a little better. He’s scoring at will, ruthlessly efficient, and is third in the league in blocks. Plus, no one puts up absurd statlines quite like AD.
  • Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves– Absolutely impossible pick. Splitting the thinnest of hairs. I could easily be talked into putting Jimmy Butler, LaMarcus Aldridge, DeMarcus Cousins, or Draymond Green in over Towns, but, in my mind, KAT is still the number one pick in the “what young player would you build around” draft. He’s had one of the greatest starts to a career (offensively) of any big guy ever, and he has a career high offensive rating this year. He’s absurd. You know what else is absurd? He’s playing solid defense now, too. Jimmy Butler is rightly getting a lot of credit for turning the Wolves into a top four team in the West, but Towns continuing to evolve and improve is the real driving force behind the team. Put him in the All Star Game, already!

I’m Addicted to NBA Fights

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If, for whatever reason, you don’t spend every night of the week watching NBA games and going on Twitter to talk about what’s happening like I do, there’s a decent chance you’ve missed some incredible, iiiinnnnncredddibllllllllllle stuff over the last two nights. First you had the amazing Rockets-Clippers game (on MLK Day, no less!) that somehow went from Austin Rivers talking trash to no one in particular while wearing street clothes on the bench to Chris Paul leading Trevor Ariza and Gerald Green down secret tunnels in the Staples Center trying to bust into the Clippers locker room and fight everybody. It still doesn’t seem real. The L.A.P.D. was called!

Then, the very next night, this happens:

Absolutely preposterous scene in Orlando. I think it would have taken me a million years to guess Aaron Afflalo and Nemanja Bjelica if you told me to name the two most random guys to ever get into a fight. I have no idea what Afflalo thought was going to happen. Bjelica is like six inches taller than him and makes him look like a little boy. Might have actually been a genius move on his part, though. I can’t tell you the last time I thought about Aaron Afflalo, but now I can’t think about anyone else. I guarantee other teams are thinking that, too. “It’s almost the All Star Break, time to shake things up and make some trades. We really need a shooting guard whose primary offense is posting up then taking 19-foot turnarounds and someone to add some edge come playoff time. I thought we were out of luck, but now the only option is Aaron Afflalo!” Watch, someone will trade for him now. Probably the Knicks or Kings. And just one week ago, we had this fight:

You know how you can tell James Johnson, second degree black belt, is the most feared player in the NBA? Absolutely NO ONE wanted to get in the middle of that. Do you know how quickly NBA fracases get broken up? Most last a millisecond. But when James Johnson is involved everyone just waits for someone else to make the first move. The poor ref had to try and drag Johnson away. The Raptors are lucky Serge Ibaka can handle himself, because I’ve never seen anyone get thrown to the wolves that badly.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I can go back to nights where fights don’t happen. I need the rush. I’m addicted to watching two guys yell at each other for a while, maybe push each other, maybe someone throws a punch if we’re really lucky, then get held back and ejected. The ones this year have felt so real and so intense that I can’t imagine enjoying an NBA game that doesn’t have a fight. The thrill of seeing the first video someone tweets out of a fight on a random night of NBA games is unmatched, and I’m not prepared to live in a world where it doesn’t happen every night. They say too much of anything is a bad thing, and to them I would say watch the Malice at the Palace video and try not going down a wormhole of NBA fight videos. Someone get Perk back in the league. Call up Metta World Peace. Is Bruce Bowen too old to step underneath jumpshooters and start a brawl? Tell Steven Adams to go back to the way he was in the beginning of his career when he wasn’t good so he just agitated everyone. Give me more NBA fights. I need more NBA fights. And Cavs locker room drama doesn’t count!

Still the most underrated fight ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-dHOggvv-o

Is Having a Huge Lead the Worst Thing That Can Ever Happen to a Sports Team in 2018?

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In the moments after Sunday’s stupefyingly exciting NFL playoff games, I was searching for a take to throw out there in the coming days. Most NFL weekends I kind of just let breathe until the next one, since usually nothing crazy happens and I already told you everything that would happen beforehand in my weekly picks. But I knew this weekend was different. Too many crazy finishes, too much drama. I couldn’t just recap the games, that’d be boring and pointless. So what should I talk about? I was ready to just scrap it and move on to something else when it hit me: in 2018, having a huge lead at any point in the game is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a team. And to be clear I’m not talking about something like the Titans taking a 7-0 lead in the first quarter against the Pats or the Twins going up 3-0 in the top of the first in the Wild Card game against a superior Yankees team. Early leads like that come and go all the time. I’m talking about the games where one team looks like they’re playing a completely different sport than the other. The ones that are over at the half. The ones where the announcers are warming up their garbage time material. The ones where the comeback is so obvious that anyone could see it coming, but everyone is still somehow caught off guard. They’ve become practically commonplace.

Think about what we’ve seen in the last few years: Vikings were up 17 at the half and it felt like 700. If it weren’t for the worst defensive gaffe of all time they would have lost. Jags were up 21-0 and were dying to give it away, and probably would have if Mike Tomlin wasn’t an IDIOT. The Titans looked worse in the first half against Kansas City than they did at any point against the Pats and they made that comeback look easy. I guess last year’s Super Bowl counts. College sports are a different animal, but Georgia had the least convincing two score lead of all time and predictably blew it. Penn State was passing out Rose Bowl Champion shirts on the sideline before Sam Darnold’s one good game. The Clippers had historic collapses against the Rockets and Warriors. PSG’s unbelievable-but-totally-believable loss to Barcelona in the Champions League. Yankees erased a 2-0 series lead against the Indians, then blew a 3-2 lead in the very next round. People forget that the Warriors, Thunder, and Indians blew 3-1 leads in the same year. Teams just flat out refuse to close out leads these days, and it’s starting to get easier and easier to spot.

First off, and not to always bring things back to my privileged life as a Pats fan, but obviously certain teams are exempt from this. The Pats would literally never blow a massive lead in a playoff game. Spurs usually squeeze the life out of teams and don’t allow comebacks in games where their best player doesn’t get hurt. Baseball is too unpredictable to always avoid blowing the occasional lead, but the good teams usually can. That’s really the crux of things, if we’re being honest- all the teams that blow these leads are either actually inferior or believe they’re inferior. No one on the planet thought the Titans were better than the Chiefs, but the Chiefs get paralyzed by success. They want to be the victim so they clam up. Same with the Vikings. The Vikings get into their own heads trying to finally win that big game, so they just start panicking. The Jags aren’t supposed to beat a team like the Steelers, so when the Steelers score a touchdown the Jags, despite what Jalen Ramsey would like you to believe, start questioning things. They were lucky Blake Bortles and Tomlin bailed them out. It’s happened against the Pats a million times. There have been so many comebacks that teams create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they get a lead because all they can think about is how to avoid being the next team to blow a lead.

They’re so easy to predict now, too. In football, if a team is down 21-0 but scores at the end of the half and opens the half by either getting the ball back or forcing a 3-and-out, the leading team goes away from what got them the lead, playing soft defense meant to limit big plays and not make mistakes, next thing you know you’re wondering how you blew that big lead. In basketball, if you take ten points off the lead in the third quarter, you better believe the team in front is going to start passing the ball around, trying not to be the guy that has to shoot, trying not to turn it over, trying not to make the big mistake, then you look up and people are clowning you on Twitter for blowing a bigger lead than the Warriors. Baseball is almost the most obvious because it’s so clear when the pitcher wants no part of the game. One guy gets rocked, put in the next reliever who gets lit up, and now it’s a train of middle relief that’s dying not to be the guy that blows it. And literally any college sport if a team has a huge lead but gives up two unanswered scores it’s pretty much over. The signs are so easy to spot yet people are still caught off guard. If I were a coach, I’d recognize right away if my team had Loser DNA and try to counteract it. “We have a two score lead in the fourth quarter, I’m not going to run prevent defense and I think I’ll call plays that have a chance of picking up 4-5 yards every time to take the pressure off my terrible quarterback.” “Boy, how should I protect this 10 point lead with five minutes left? Perhaps I’ll keep my gameplan the same since that’s what gave us the lead and it’s a good thing I had the foresight to practice what to do against a full court press so my team doesn’t start running around like a chicken with their head cut off.” “Maybe I won’t put my season in the hands of a reliever with a career ERA of over 5.” Somehow professional coaching staffs don’t know how to prevent these things, which just proves that Loser DNA is real. Some teams are just destined to blow leads and never win. Loser DNA is going to make its presence felt this weekend in a big way. For who? Well, you’ll have to tune in on Friday to find out. That’s what they call a tease in the biz. Just like the fleeting feeling of pride you get when you think the team you like is about to win the big game by a million points. These days, it’s safer to just assume they won’t.

NFL Divisional Round Picks

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I know you’re all thinking it, so I might as well answer your question: Yes, I did have a good birthday. I finally bought myself a Nintendo Switch so I can stop complaining about it, and am looking forward to ruining all productivity in my life as I try to 100% Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey. Buying yourself birthday gifts is one of the great joys of adult life. I have a million things I need to do and a million things I need to buy in the next couple months to prepare for a huge moment in my life (stay tuned), but on my birthday that all goes away and I can just buy whatever I want. Who’s going to tell me not to? Not me, that’s for sure. As two of my favorite characters from the greatest comedy show of all time (don’t @ me) said, sometimes you just have to Treat Yo Self.

You what else is a great gift? Accurately predicting NFL playoff games. I didn’t ask for this power, but I have a responsibility to use it for good. If I used it for selfish gain, what separates me from the absolute dregs of society? Nothing, that’s what. That’s why I share my precognizant picks with all of you. So that others may benefit from my startlingly potent game-picking prowess. How else would you have known to bet the house on the Titans? Everyone in the world was telling you to pick the Chiefs. It was so obvious that the Chiefs would roll. Andy Reid and Alex Smith in the playoffs? Rock solid. Having one the worst run defense in the league? Great sign. Being the Chiefs? Always works out. Well, everyone was right. That game was obvious, and the result was clear halfway through the first quarter. “What about the Falcons?” you ask. The answer is simple: I merely overlooked one of the most ancient of Playoff Clichés- You Need Experience to Win (if this is true how would any team win a Super Bowl without previously winning a Super Bowl? The Forgotten Ones who wrote the list of football clichés cared not for our human locig). How foolish of me. It won’t happen again.

At first glance, this week’s games seem a little murky. Some tight matchups that could go either way, some odd lines, Nick Foles. Too many variables for the average football fan. Good thing I’m not an average fan. After climbing to the sacred Temple of the Shield at the top of Gridiron Mountain and meditating with the aid of pigskin fumes, all became clear to me. What appeared to be a difficult group of games to predict became a walk in the park, and I’m confident I’ve got another 4-0 week on my hands. So grab a seat, and make sure to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. All lines from Bovada.

Last week: 4-0-0

Playoffs: 4-0-0

Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Philadelphia Eagles

This is a game that’s going to scare a lot of people. Falcons look like they’ve put it all together. How can you resist betting against Nick Foles in the playoffs. How can you resist betting against an Andy Reid disciple in the playoffs? I certainly understand the appeal of the Falcons. They looked great last round. But you can’t run away from the DNA, and the National Championship Game was the worst possible sign for the Falcons. What does that have to do with anything? Well, without Carson Wentz, looking at the season-long numbers for these teams is kind of pointless, at least in terms of Eagles O vs Falcons D (Falcons defense is also way better in real life then the numbers would suggest, which is something I can’t really wrap my head around). So that means this game is going to come down to Matt Ryan versus a far superior defense than the Rams’, Dan Quinn vs. Doug Pederson, and the mental toughness of both teams. Now it looks a little different, doesn’t it? Now it comes down to Loser DNA. Granted, Philly has some potent, potent Loser DNA. Some of the worst city-wide Loser DNA out there. But not even Philly is as bad as Atlanta. Which brings us back to the National Championship (another game whose outcome was obvious if you’ve ever watched a game of football before). If Georgia was able to hang on and finally, finally, win something for a Georgia-based team, I’d have a completely different feeling about this game. But they lost. In spectacular fashion. In impossible fashion. It was the slowest, most unavoidable death these eyes have ever seen. It somehow set the city of Atlanta back another 25 years, and they were already about 175 years back from the other countless horrifyingly terrible losses. Falcons have a 0% chance of winning this game. There’s just too much history going against them.

Pick: Eagles +3

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Tennessee Titans at New England Patriots (-14)

Do we really need to talk about this game?

Pick: Patriots -14

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Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5)

One of my favorite things people do is take games that happened in the first half of the season and use them as gospel when trying to figure out who has the edge in a playoff game. For example: when the Jags went to Pittsburgh in week 5, they forced Big Ben to have one of the worst games a QB can have (0 TDs, 5 INTs) on the way to a blowout victory. Surely the same can happen again, no? Well, since that game the Steelers are 9-1 in games in which Roethlisberger and Co. played, Big Ben took the fork out of his back, and the Steelers regained their place as the team everyone is hoping can beat the Pats in the AFC after a sluggish start. Blake Bortles went from being the worst to being good to being the worst at least five times during that stretch. Point is, pretty much any individual game that happens before Thanksgiving can be thrown out in the playoffs since teams and players reinvent themselves so many times over the course of the season. Something you can draw from? Actual playoff games that happened last week, and if I’m a Jags fan, I’m not feeling great. They had to eke out a 10-3 win against the Bills. The Bills! Yes, the defense looked amazing, as usual. But it’s a big difference between facing the number 26 team in Offensive DVOA and the number 3 team. The Steelers are scoring more than 3 points. Antonio Brown is playing. Probably not at 100% health, but playing nonetheless. Want to put Jalen Ramsey on him to shut him down? Cool, there’s still Smith-Schuster. Want to put A.J. Bouye on him? That’s fine, LeVeon Bell is still the best pass-catching back in the league. And Martavis Bryant, contrary to popular belief, is technically still in the NFL. And they probably have two or three other random ass receivers they took in the third or fourth round that are unstoppable on third down. As long as they aren’t playing the Patriots, the Steelers will score on anyone. The Steelers’ D is better than the Bills’, too. Marginally better (9th in DVOA as opposed to 15th, 19 points allowed against 22, and Steelers led the league in sacks), but still better. Jags looked completely inept on offense. You’re telling me the team that won on Sunday in Jacksonville is going to go on the road to Pittsburgh, where it’s forecasted to be at most 18 degrees on Sunday, and score more than 10 points? Yeah, no. I want the Jags to win. I want the easiest possible schedule for the Pats, competitiveness be damned. But they’ve got no shot, here.

Pick: Steelers -7.5

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New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (-4)

When I described myself climbing up the imposing Gridiron Mountain to consult the footballing spirits, this game was the primary reason. You could pretty easily make the case this is the best matchup on paper of the entire season. Both teams rank in the top 10 of offensive and defensive DVOA (Vikings rank in the top 5 in both, fwiw). Both top 10 in points scored and points allowed. Somewhat improbably, both teams have one of the most efficient quarterbacks in the league. Both coaching staffs are good, or at least don’t make horrible decisions at every turn, which puts them in the top four remaining in the playoffs. It would seem these teams are perfect foils for each other. Which way do I turn? How can I possibly split these hairs? Sure, Drew Brees is better than Case Keenum and I trust him more when the chips are down, but I also trust the Vikings’ defense more than I trust the Saints’. And while the Saints’ trio of Ingram-Kamara-Thomas is one of the best and most explosive group of playmakers in the league, the Vikings have five or six guys that can match that production. The Vikings ruined a perfectly good home field advantage by not giving their stadium a retractable roof, so the dome-team-coming-up-north-to-play-in-the-cold factor is out. Both teams have decent enough kickers that don’t have a history of blowing games. So, when all else fails, where do you look? You have to find the best storyline. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Super Bowl is in Minnesota this year, and no team has ever played the Super Bowl at home. Wouldn’t it be something if the Vikings made the Super Bowl this year? It sure would. But what about the Loser DNA? Ahh, excellent point! The Vikings have some of the most vile, corrosive cases of Loser DNA in recorded history. But theirs is a special strain of Loser DNA. With the exception of the Blair Walsh debacle, the Vikings’ Loser DNA only rears its ugly head when hope is at its highest. Only when the fanbase is fully invested can the Vikings break their hearts, like some kind of perverse god who feeds on the belief of its worshippers. A divisional round matchup against a tough team that’s a popular Super Bowl pick in what’s essentially a coin flip game? That’s not when everyone’s feeling good. Even the most optimistic of Viking fans are surely mentally prepared to lose this game. But an NFC Championship game against either the Nick Foles-lead Eagles or the 6-seed Falcons? Getting one step away from history, only needing to win a game that will look impossible to lose? That’s when the trickster god that controls the Vikings fate will make his presence felt. I already feel bad for the people of Minnesota.

Pick: Vikings -4

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