Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Review


Imagine a Super Smash Bros. ever being bad?

Rating: 💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣


Why Does No One Care that Every Video Game Steals Ideas?


I’ll start this off the same way I do every blog about a particularly nerdy or granular topic: this probably isn’t for everyone. I’m going to be diving into very trivial matters of the video game world that, like, five people besides me care about. I won’t feel that offended if you don’t bother reading this. That being said, you should still read this.

So, as I am every year around this time, I’m deep into Assassin’s Creed. Assassin’s Creed Odyssey is awesome. Ancient Greece is one of my favorite time periods and it’s just a good game (if you’re wondering why I haven’t reviewed it yet, it’s because it’s so huge and I physically can’t get myself to ignore the non-main story elements. And I’ve been busy doing other stuff. Like voting, NBD) (Yeah, I voted. Got a sticker and everything. Yes, it does make me better than you). Anyway, as I explore the massive world, the same thing that struck me when I was playing Assassin’s Creed Origins hit me now: this is just Witcher 3 with a different skin. My thoughts were mostly drawn to the presence of undiscovered locations on the map represented by white question marks. The first picture is from Witcher 3. This is from Odyssey:maxresdefault_live

Not exactly straying too far from the mold, are they? And that’s not the only thing, either. The combat is pretty much the same, both in mechanics and the way damage is calculated through your own level and gear. The armor rarity and perk system is pretty much the same. I don’t really mind, that much. Why fix what isn’t broken? But this is far from an isolated incident in the video game industry, and I don’t really get why no one cares.

Outside of the people that made PUBG, it seems like every video game company is kind of fine with everyone else just jacking their mechanics and ideas. Take the franchise that started it all. Assassin’s Creed (the first one) is probably the most influential North American game of the 21st century, if only for creating the “climb up to the tallest point to unlock more of the map” thing that every open world game since has included. Every AC sequel, the Arkham games, Spider-ManBreath of the Wild, a billion others. Horizon Zero Dawn at least put their own spin on it, but it was still the same (by the way, the Mass Effect game that came out a few years ago was literally just Horizon Zero Dawn set in space). Did Ubisoft not care that their IP was being passed around like a hot potato? Or were they more worried about the fact that the counter-based combat system they created was perfected by Arkham Asylum and Batman got credit for it? That same combat system was then stolen from Batman by a million other games, as well, and was the basis for the combat system Witcher 3 created. Which brings us to the most egregious offender of all, Shadow of Mordor and Shadow of WarMordor literally took everything that made Assassin’s Creed Assassin’s Creed (the free running, the climbing, the viewpoints, the kind of weird storyline) and added, beat for beat, the Arkham combat system. I was stunned no one did anything about it. It was theft, pure and simple. But, to bring everything full circle, Odyssey turned around and stole a bunch of War’s skill tree and completely bastardized the nemesis system, Mordor’s crowning achievement, with the mercenaries. It’s a giant human centipede of gaming ideas and everyone gets a taste of someone else’s game. It’s preposterous.

And this isn’t solely and American thing, either. Our friends from across the Pacific are, if possible, even more shameless than we are. There’s about 10,000 franchises that are bald Final Fantasy imitators (shoutout Lord of the Rings: the Third Age). Random encounters didn’t always exist. Now, try to imagine a JRPG (or any RPG, for that matter) without them. Turn based combat and large parties consisting of a brooding lead, a spunky teen, a jerk with a heart of gold, and a weird mascot/animal who turns out to be a powerful magical creature are now more expectations of the genre rather than novelties. And it’s all because of Final Fantasy. And, to be fair, pretty much every game since Ocarina of Time was released has been at least tangentially based on Ocarina of TimeShadow of the Colossus is practically set on the same map. Pokémon, which obviously owes a ton to Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda, was the direct inspiration for, like, a billion handheld games, including the forgotten G.O.A.T. of Gameboy Advance, the Megaman Battle Network series (don’t @ me). Obviously, Digimon was started as a pure Pokémon imitator, but, in a funny twist of fate, the newer Pokémon games wound up stealing the Digifarm from Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth. Like, it’s literally the exact same thing. Poké Pelago in Sun and Moon/Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon is the Digifarm. You store your Digimon/Pokémon and they can level up/find items passively without the player needing to do anything. It has the same expandable islands, the same feeding system, the same ability to customize training focus, it’s literally the exact same thing. And one of my favorite series and one of the more surprising franchises I’ve ever played, Danganronpa, is just Phoenix Wright set in a high school. They didn’t even bother changing up the objection system. Everyone just takes each other’s ideas. It blows my mind that none of them care. Blows my mind. In music there’s a lawsuit if someone uses a similar chord structure. In gaming, it’s all fair use, apparently.

It’s one thing for a massive studio like EA to have all of their games be the same, but the fact that different, non-affiliated studios continue to use each other’s stuff is baffling to me. I’m pretty sure Madden was the first sports game to have the card-based team creator, and I’m shocked they didn’t try to crush 2K for taking it. I get everything’s a copycat league and you want to imitate successful properties, but can we switch things up a little? I realize there’s only so much you can do and I don’t want to be “enough remakes and sequels” guy but at some point maybe change things up? I mean, it’s not like the mechanic hive-mind has really prevented me from enjoying any of these games, but still. Maybe my problem is that I only play the huge AAA titles that are only concerned with making money so they’re more likely to just do what works instead of actually try and innovate. I know I should start playing more independent games if I really want originality, but I need to be able to contribute to the public gaming discussion, and no one cares about independent games. Guess this is more of a me problem, isn’t it? Oh, well. Just had to get this off my chest.

The Pokemon Draft, Round 3


In case you didn’t know, football is back. College football has kicked off, NFL is right around the corner. Even the staunchest of football h8trz would have to admit to getting excited about spending every second of their weekends glued to the couch watching some gridiron action. All of this means only one thing, of course- it’s Fantasy Football season. Those with long memories may remember I did a fantasy preview last year. Honestly, I just didn’t care enough this year, and nothing much has changed. Aaron Rodgers is still good. You should draft him. You’re welcome.

However, I knew I had to throw something up before we dive back into the weekly picks. And so, the perfect opportunity to revive a forgotten bit arose. Friends, I present the long-anticipated third round of the Pokémon Football Draft. If you’re new to the site or just can’t remember anything earlier than last week and don’t know how this works, please read rounds one and two first. It’s pretty simple: which Pokémon would be good at football? Don’t worry, you don’t have to do any thinking. I’ve already built big boards for all seven generations. I didn’t get the nickname “the Mel Kiper of Pokémon” by accident. I had to grind and fight, studying tape and avoiding interaction with the opposite sex until all hours of the night. This isn’t a game to me. It’s a lifestyle.

Anyway, on to the draft. The third gen is really where we start cooking with gas. Some of the best talent in league history comes out of this stacked class. I’m talking some all time greats. Legends. It’s deep, too. There’ll be no need to tank, this year. This is the best class in Pokémon football history, no questions asked. I apologize in advance for any football-related daydreams and erections this Big Board causes. On to the field. If you’ve forgotten, the lack of players means everyone’s got to play both sides.


1. Slaking (DT/DE/T)

I should clarify that this is my Big Board of best available talent, not a mock draft. Because make no mistake- barring a trade or a shocking change of heart, there’s no chance Slaking is going number one overall. The character concerns are just too extreme. A troubled youth with such a huge chip on both his shoulder that his shoulders are more chip than flesh at this point. In the wrong situation, not only will he be out of the league in two years, he’ll drag everyone in the entire organization down with him. But in the right situation? Start writing the Hall of Fame plaque now. A guaranteed all-time-great if he has his head on straight, Slaking is simply unblockable. It’s impossible to keep him from completely destroying an opponent’s gameplan. When he’s right, any play that doesn’t result in a Slaking tackle for loss is a win for the offense. He’s even a pro bowl level tackle on offense. He literally has everything. Except a reasonable work ethic.


2. Sceptile (WR/SS)

Randy Moss. That’s all that needs to be said. If he merely breaks every receiving record his career will be a disappointment. Within four years he’ll be considered the greatest receiver in league history by just about everyone, which is likely to be the only consensus opinion in today’s social media landscape. He’s just a freak. Speed, athleticism, skill. A set it and forget it prospect if there ever was one.


3. Metagross (DT/T)

If the best ability is availability, Metagross has the most ability in the draft. He just doesn’t miss games. He doesn’t miss plays, really. But he’s also got top-five-prospect-level skills to with that endurance. He’s a cornerstone player on both sides of the ball, a leader in the locker room, and one of the smartest players we’ve evaluated. Whoever drafts Metagross will thank their lucky stars for the next decade.


4. Blaziken (QB/SS)

If there’s one thing this class lacks, it’s quarterbacks. However, what’s absent in depth is more than present in pure ability. Blaziken has all the tools to be a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback that could terrorize the league. A long strider with a massive arm, he creates big plays as easily as most people breathe. Accuracy issues are there (as is a juvenile temper), but the upside is huge. In the quarterback starved PFL, someone like Blaziken will be hard to pass up.


5. Sharpedo (OLB/DE)

Listen, when you draft Sharpedo you’re not looking for versatility. You’re going to get one thing and one thing only: sacks. Sharpedo lives for sacking the quarterback, and he’s almost impossible to deny. He’s got an explosive first step and all the moves, but, more often than not, he’ll just bull rush the unfortunate tackles who can’t keep up with his speed and power. Again, don’t ask him to go out in coverage or play any offense. Just set him loose on the edge and watch him rewrite the record books.


6. Salamence (TE/DE)

The first true two-way star on the board, Salamence could easily be a pro bowl-level player on either side of the ball. A physical tight end with an absurd catch radius and a balanced defensive end who can play in any scheme against the run and pass, Salamence is just a talented football player. He doesn’t have great lateral quickness, but doesn’t need it with his raw strength and speed. A skilled blocker to go along with his receiving abilities, Salamence can own the middle of the field on offense, moving the chains at will. He’s got a nose for the ball on defense, and uses his athleticism to stand out amongst the many talented defensive linemen that populate the league.


7. Vigoroth (OLB/MLB/FS/SS/WR)

Like a ball of clay, Vigoroth can be molded into anything you want him to be on the defensive side of the ball. A freak athlete with an inexhaustible motor and a mean streak ten miles long, Vigoroth loves causing havoc and confusion. His long arms clog passing lanes, he’s quick to diagnose plays, and his active feet allow him to arrive at the ball early and with a vengeance. He’s relentlessly coachable and has a thirst for the game. The only drawbacks are his recklessness, temper, and tendency to tire himself out early in games. His passion for the game doesn’t extend to the offensive side of the ball.


8. Ninjask (WR/CB)

If he were just a little bigger, he’d be a top-five prospect. He’s the quickest player ever evaluated as well as one of the fastest, and is completely impossible to tackle in the open field. Routinely making defenders look absolutely foolish, Ninjask is a terror in the right system. He was made for the slot in an uptempo, run and gun offense, and can totally dominate underneath. Only problem? If he ever is tackled, he’ll likely wind up on the IR. Severely undersized and brittle, you’d better have a top training staff if you want to make Ninjask a focal point of the offense.


9. Aggron (T/G/DT)

Nothing you haven’t seen before, Aggron is a beast of a tackle. That doesn’t mean he won’t be a high-level player, though. A bit of a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to blocking, he’s strong but not superhumanly so, has good feet and hips but not the best, has solid hands, and has very good size. He doubles as an above average run stuffer on the other side of the ball. He’s as reliable as they come.


10. Groudon (T/TE/DE/DT)

If football games were decided when teams got off the bus, Groudon would be the best player in the league. A mountain of a player, he’s the second biggest player in the draft, but looks like if Hercules and Serena Williams had a child and then fed that child steroids for 22 years. He can practically lift the entire stadium with one hand. The only problem? He might be the slowest player in the league. He might be the slowest professional athlete of all time, really. He was able to dominate at tight end in college, but against pro defenses he’ll be much better suited to playing tackle. He’s a true space eater on defense, and pity the ballcarrier that runs directly into his path.


11. Wailord (T)

It’s pretty simple: you can’t get around him. Even if he’s a total bust, he’ll go down probably the greatest pass blocker of all time. He might never give up a sack in his career. The only problem is that he’s so big he kind of cuts off half the field. You can’t really run behind him without being swallowed up by his never-ending body. Shorter quarterbacks may struggle to see over him. He’s very, very slow. But, again, if you run a pass-first scheme Wailord eliminates many of the variables that can kill pass plays. He’s another likely Hall of Famer from this class.


12. Combusken (RB/MLB/OLB)

Another two-way star, Combusken can quickly establish himself as one of the best runningbacks and linebackers in the league. A Todd Gurley-Le’Veon Bell type three down back, Combusken gets better the more touches he gets. He’s a violent, physical runner that seems to have been plucked from a bygone era, and he can get into trouble with the new helmet safety rules. Be prepared for many fifteen yards penalties, both when he’s got the ball and when he’s making tackles. Still, he makes teams better simply by being on the field, and has an infectious energy about him.


13. Wailmer (G/DT)

Yet another massive line prospect, Wailmer prefers the thick of the interior to the perimeter. A dominating run blocker and, through sheer size, a decent pass blocker, Wailmer can be a staple at the pro bowl. He’s also a wrecking ball of a d-tackle with a thick, powerful base and a good get-off. Wailmer is Graveler without the off-the-field concerns, and the fact that he’s so low on the board tells you all you need to know about this class.


14. Swampert (DE/TE)

A prototypical hand-in-the-ground pass rusher with no love for quarterbacks, Swampert is the type of defensive end every defensive coordinator dreams of having. Blessed with ideal size and athleticism and a constant desire to improve his technique, you’ll be hard pressed to find an easier player to install into a team. He’s listed at tight end, but he’s really more of a glorified blocker than anything. Does have surprisingly soft hands, though, and is good catching in traffic, making him a good red zone target. He won’t be a sexy pick, but I’d be surprised if he wasn’t always on playoff teams.



15. Latios (WR/SS) 16. Latias (WR/FS)

It felt disingenuous to separate the sibling duo that tore up the receiving record books in college, so I’ll bunch them together. Latios and Latias are essentially identical prospects: great all-around receivers that possess good speed, great quickness, good route running, and good hands. Both have pro bowl potential with the possibility of something more, but they aren’t the game changers Sceptile and Ninjask are, and the jury is still out if they can perform at the same level if they’re on different teams. Latios is ranked one spot higher because of his greater commitment to defense.


17. Cacturne (TE/WR/DE/OLB)

One of the more intriguing offensive players in the draft, Cacturne allows offenses to achieve the 2018 football nirvana known as “Being Multiple.” A wide receiver in a tight end’s body, Cacturne is a walking matchup problem that can rip defenses up the seam or on the outside. He can line up anywhere and requires constant defensive attention. Of course, his disciplinary record precedes him. His role as the leader of the Grass University Pyramid Scheme is well known (the trial is next month), and he was recently busted for shoplifting at a Golf Galaxy. If he can survive the legal issues, he’s a top player.


18. Medicham (QB/OLB)

An intellectual, accurate quarterback that can suffer from paralysis by analysis, Medicham can probably be viewed as the PFL Alex Smith. This isn’t an insult, by the way. Medicham is conservative and doesn’t have the biggest arm, but you know what you’ll get from him: a steady hand that doesn’t make mistakes and takes the openings the defense gives him. You can win with a guy like that, especially in a league filled with so many all-or-nothing chuckers. He’ll never blow anyone away, but he won’t be the reason you lose, either. The dearth of quarterbacks obviously helps his standing.


19. Regirock (TE/T/DT/DE)

One look at Regirock tells you all you need to know about him- he’s massive and made of rock. At times a dominating defensive lineman and left tackle, he has a nasty tendency to loaf and drift through games. Like Groudon, his lack of speed will likely force a full-time move away from tight end, but he still has the latent skills to serve as a goalline option. If you have a coach that can connect with him and bring out his full effort every play, he’s great value in the second half of the draft. If not, well, at least he looks good in shorts.


20. Registeel (TE/DE)

A more nimble, less talented version of Regirock, Registeel suffers none of the character concerns of his sedimentary counterpart. He’s a football robot that cares only for this week’s all-22, but there are concerns he’s already reached his ceiling. Now, he’s still a fine player, but what you see is what you get. A C+/B- tight end and a B+/A- defensive end. At this stage in the draft, sure things become less glamorous when compared to the dice-rolls that follow, but give me someone I can count on to be the first guy in the facility every morning.


21. Kyogre (TE/DE/OLB)

My high school football coach used to say that someone looked like Tarzan and played like Jane if their production didn’t match their physical stature. Yes, it’s 2018 so we can’t say that anymore, but the fact remains that it describes Kyogre perfectly. All the tools are there for an elite player, it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s tough enough and wants to work hard enough to maximize them. In college, he got by on size and talent alone. In the pros, it’ll take a little more if he wants to be considered one of the best, which, all things considered, he really should be. Rumors of a Fortnite addiction may scare away traditional coaches.


22. Grovyle (RB/WR/CB)

Another Swiss Army Knife of a player, Grovyle is just someone you want to get the ball to, no matter where he lines up. A natural running back, he flashed enough receiving skills at the combine to kickstart the imaginations of every offensive coordinator who ever watched Dexter McCluster highlights. He’s even got enough of an arm to be used as Wildcat QB (the PFL is about seven years behind the NFL strategy wise). Good in the return game, as well. Doesn’t offer much besides depth at corner.


23. Flygon (CB/S/WR)

An excellent cover corner with ideal recovery speed, fluid hips, and ball skills, the only thing lacking from Flygon’s game is seemingly confidence. After being beat deep twice in the fourth quarter of the National Championship Game two years ago, Flygon had a crisis of faith. To start the year, he was biting on every pump fake, he was losing assignments, he was dropping easy interceptions, and he was out of position constantly. Ironically enough, it was only a shift to receiver that started to get his mind right again. Flashed some of his true ability in the final weeks of the season, but questions remain about his mental toughness.


24. Rayquaza (WR/TE/S)

In addition to a pure evaluation of talent, part of this exercise is to project future success. It’s still unknown if Rayquaza will ever play in the league, which is why he is shockingly low on the board. With enough raw talent to be a top ten pick in any draft, Rayquaza is still taking at least two years off to go on a religious mission. People won’t want to hear it, but this obviously makes most coaches question his commitment to the game. He’s also going to be pursing a master’s degree while away, which raises even more concerns that Rayquaza, one of the most dominant offensive and defensive players in college football, may never play a down in the PFL. Not saying anything about his decision, but I, for one, wouldn’t want to turn down all that money. All those impoverished children are still gonna be there in ten years.


25. Metang (OLB/DE/MLB/RB)

A slower Clay Matthews if Clay Matthews actually still played football, Metang is versatile enough to line up at defensive end or any linebacker spot. He lacks consistency and can disappear at times, but when he flashes, he flashes big time. He creates turnovers at will and will lead the league in tackles at least once. A running back in name only.


26. Meditite (RB/CB)

Whereas previous draft classes were heavy on line prospects, we’re finally seeing the skill positions fill out. Meditite ran for over 2,000 yards last season and he has a fringe third round grade. Just shows what kind of talent is in this class. Meditite is all about quickness, and, while he may never get 30 carries a game, there’s no reason to believe he can’t have 700 yards rushing and 60 catches in a season.


27. Zangoose (G/MLB/OLB)

Though undersized and possibly better suited for a more glamorous position, Zangoose refuses to stop playing guard. Many may see this as admirable, I consider it a little pig-headed. He’s proved skeptics wrong at every level, sure, but you’re telling me Zangoose is supposed to block Golem? I don’t see it. What I do see, however, is a sideline to sideline linebacker who can step in and be a leader day one. If he focused on defense, he could have a long and successful career. Just give up being a guard, dude.


28. Absol (DE/OLB)

A pretty one-dimensional pass rusher, Absol will give you exactly what you think he will when you draft him. Could round out his game and become an every down player, but, at the start, will be little more than a situational pass rusher. He can still make an impact, however.


29. Regice (T/DT)

The slowest, least talented, and least durable of the trio, Regice can still carve out his place in the league because of his high work ethic. He’ll never be an all pro, but can be more than serviceable as a right tackle or rotation defensive lineman. Is perhaps best suited to a veteran mentor role, the biggest challenge he’ll face will be becoming a veteran.


30. Hariyama (DT/T)

A beefy, space-eating nose tackle, Hariyama will always grade out as a superior run defender. It’s just a matter of if he’ll ever be anything more than that. Based on his combine performance, I’d say probably not.


31. Tropius (T/DE/DT)

Like Rayquaza, Tropius’s off-the-field pursuits have scouts questioning his dedication. However, unlike Rayquaza, Tropius is actually still playing. His fashion label may be picking up steam despite his standing as a middle of the road prospect, but it’s doubtful that will have any real impact on his ability to have a full career. At the very least, he’ll look good while playing.


32. Marshtomp (FB/MLB/OLB)

The fullback isn’t quite dead yet, and Marshtomp is easily the best lead blocker in the draft. He brings the wood when he blocks and has soft hands, to boot. He’s just not a particularly good athlete. He lacks the speed to ever be a true difference maker on defense, but at least he’ll always go 100%.

Next Five

Walrein (G/C/DT), Shelgon (RB/FB/MLB), Banette (WR/CB), Armaldo (DE/OLB/TE), Crawdaunt (MLB)

Coaching Prospects

Duskull, Vibrava, Sableye

Would Have Been Number One But Would Kind of Break the League if I Included Him So Now He’s Just the Belichick of Pokémon Football


The Burning Questions Mailbag, pt. 3


Welcome back to the Burning Questions Mailbag. Everyone’s favorite recurring segment has returned with a vengeance, and this is the biggest one yet. The people didn’t disappoint and submitted more Burning Questions than ever before, and I’m more than happy to answer all some of them. Let’s dive right in.

Jerry S. asks: What’s the deal with math?

I’ll be honest, this was my question, not Jerry’s. This is what prompted me to revive the BQMB. What’s up with math? Why do all these complex equations and formulas exist? Every single one of them is an arbitrary human construct designed to solve a problem that humans created. It’s all fake. What real world application does calculus have? When’s the last time algebra helped anyone? What’s the point of any mathematical function outside of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division? Who decided what pi is and who decided it’s infinite? Sine and cosine are the fakest, most pointless things ever. Like who gives a shit what the area of an isosceles triangle is? Why do we still teach our children this crap? If you want to spend the rest of your life playing make believe with all the other mathematicians, you should have to declare yourself a math loser in like, fourth grade so everyone else doesn’t have to waste valuable education time on such a nonsensical and impractical discipline. Like the math problem from Good Will Hunting? Why does that even exist? Why are there unsolvable math problems if math itself is 100000000% man-made? Why did we create something we couldn’t solve? Just proves my point that advanced math is illegitimate and clearly something that should be kept in Neverland where it belongs.

pestooneverything asks: Why would Tory Lanez use a stage name when his real name is Daystar Peterson and what would your stage name be?

That’s a great question. As for the first part, you’d have to ask Tory Lanez himself. I tried contacting him, but he’s not returning my calls at the moment. It’s a long story. As for my stage name, I’m not quite sure. It’s have to be something catchy, and probably short. Maybe I’ll just be Brian. I don’t know, needs workshopping. One thing I know for certain, though, is that my nickname would be Mr. Mistoffelees. The nickname to the nickname is arguably more important, and I need to let people know what I’m all about. I think Mr. Mistoffelees gets the point across.

WhiteKong asks: What’s the worst city in America?

There are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of contenders for this. There’s my hometown of Rutland, Vermont. There’s good ol’ St. Louis. There’s my new home of New York City. There’s probably ten thousand terrible cities across this great country. But, in my mind, the big three of terrible American cities are Reno, Nevada, Detroit, Michigan, and Tampa, Florida. Detroit is obvious and kind of sad, but Reno and Tampa are living monuments to the most reviled sect of the American population: white trash. Nevada opened itself up to cities like Reno getting so bad by making the entire state a lawless commune. If you have the opportunity to trick people into thinking you’re just like Vegas, you’re gonna do it. It’s just when you don’t have any of the allure and panache you’re left with a hellhole of epic proportions. And Tampa is like if every stereotype you have of white people in Florida was a city.

ConfusedReader asks: Can someone focus on their career and have a family without compromising on either end?

Welcome to the Dear Abby portion of the program. Friend, I don’t know if you’ve ever read this website before, but I’m about as close to having a family or fulfilling career as I am to curing cancer, and I can assure you I’m not particularly close to curing cancer.

Out of goodwill, though, I must answer. I’d say yes, because people have been wondering this since the dawn of time and nothing about the way we structure professional lives has ever changed, so I’m guessing people figure it out? If you’re super dedicated to your work, a workaholic, or just plain old obsessed with your career, good luck finding someone that puts up with that longterm, but if you’ve got a regular 40-hour-a-week position, I don’t see why not. As long as you make it to little Jimmy’s baseball games so he doesn’t resent you for not being there, I think you can, at the very least, trick your family into thinking you care more about them than that nice promotion on the horizon.

movieman asks: I’m a little late, but I should totally get MoviePass, right?

Totally. Love MoviePass. It’s how I can afford to see all these movies and live in New York at the same time. Really, if you go like, ten times in a year it pays for itself. Wait, what’s that? MoviePass literally ran out of money and had to get a $5 million loan and is now raising prices and restricting access to blockbusters? Yiiiiiiikeessssss. R.I.P. MoviePass. It was a good run that seemed too good to be true every time I used it. Turns out it was. A free tip for every fledgling business owner out there: make sure you have a way to make money. Hard to stick around if you don’t.

Brian asks: Who was the first underwear manufacturer to account for erections?

Wonderful question, Brian. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I do know who has the most comfortable underwear. That’s right, it’s MeUndies! Right now, my readers can get 10% off their first purchase. Just go to and enter the promo code: Brian.

DesperateLover asks: What’s the most polite way to ask for nudes?

“Excuse me, can I please have some nudes?”

BlacktopLebron asks: What’s your current All-White NBA Team?

Don’t know if you mean American white or Euros included, but I’m gonna include Euros just because.


G- Luka Doncic

G- Evan Fornier

F- Gordan Hayward

F- Kevin Love

C- Kristaps Porzingis


F- Dirk Nowitzki

F- Doug McDermott

G- Kyle Korver

C- Marc Gasol

C- Pau Gasol

G- Matthew Dellavedova

G- JJ Redick

We’re scoring a lot of points, buttttttt defense might be a bit of an issue.

X asks: Now that Dad Hats are back, what will be the next cool hat?

Cycling hats. Trust me, these things are gonna be huge.

AngryPerson asks: Why did you love Mamma Mia 2 so much? I hated it and loved the first one.

Well, you have my condolences. Being born with no taste must have been very hard for you. Mamma Mia 2 is better because it takes the best part about the first one (the music) and puts it front and center. Mamma Mia tried to have a real storyline, when, in reality, this is quite possibly the most far-fetched franchise plot-wise in history. Mamma Mia 2 embraces the absurdity and just gives the audience banger after banger, while Mamma Mia was caught trying to be both Les Mis and Grease, which didn’t work. 2 knows what it is, 1 didn’t. Both are still fire movies, though.

GuythatworksforXboxandisalegitimateInsiderwhothinksIhaveactualanswers asks: What’s going to be the next big technology that changes gaming? Better AI? 8K? Cloud computing?

Just going off my gut instinct, here, but the next big shift in gaming technology is going to be physical gaming. Imagine this- you have a representation of the game’s world in front of you (let’s call it a board), and a piece (or two, or three, etc.) that acts as a stand-in for the avatar, and, using things like random number generators and games of chance, you move your piece across the game board, fulfilling objectives, collecting loot, and competing against other players. I just think that’s where games are going.

Joseph asks: What’s the most annoying fan base?

I feel like I’ve touched on this before, but the five most annoying fan bases are 5. Patriots (I concede we can be very annoying and easily #triggered at times, but when the entire world makes it their mission to #trigger you, I’m sorry if I have a short fuse) 4. Star Wars (they hardcore fans that complain about everything and make me like the movies less) 3. St. Louis Cardinals (like Yankee fans but midwest) 2. Kobe (Kobe is not a top ten player of all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time. Kobe is not a top ten player all time) and, of course, 1. Yankees. I’m admittedly biased. But that stupid candle-light vigil for Aaron Judge (who hasn’t even Earned his Pinstripes, IMO) is why the entire country hates every single one of those mongoloid losers. There isn’t a more self-serious and self-aggrandizing group of people on the planet. Please @ me so I can tell you how stupid and detestable you all are.

DP asks: Why are you so soft on Kevin Durant?

Because everyone is so hard on him, and it makes me feel smart to go against public opinion, especially when the basis of most people’s argument is the imaginary concept of “loyalty.” Yes, it completely shattered the competitive balance of the league, but, I don’t know. I just don’t care.

FootballJunkie asks: Who’s your top ten skill position (non-QB) in the NFL?

God, just seeing the word football has me fiending something fierce. This is summer is last in my seasonal power rankings- training camp is the longest period of time ever. I just want some regular season action. Feed me Bengals-Colts on Thursday night. Anyway, top ten skill guys, non-QB.

  1. Healthy Rob Gronkowsi
  2. Antonio Brown
  3. Odell Beckham, Jr.
  4. Julio Jones
  5. Le’veon Bell
  6. A.J. Green
  7. Todd Gurley
  8. DeAndre Hopkins
  9. Travis Kelce
  10. David Johnson

Mr. Thoughtful asks: What’s a good first anniversary gift to give my girlfriend? She likes adventures and traveling but I have no money 😦

Ahh, the age old question. How to keep my significant other appeased despite the fact that I don’t have the necessary funds to shower them in lavish gifts? A true dilemma, if I’ve ever heard one. A love of adventures and traveling, you say? Hmmm. I think I know just the thing! How about a trip to lovely Reno, Nevada! It’s all some of the glitz and glamor of Las Vegas at half the price! It’s an adventure because you won’t know if you’ll get sick from the used needles on the side of the road or the extreme second-hand smoke inhalation, and it’s traveling because I’m assuming you’re a real person and don’t live in Nevada. It’s a win-win! Or, you could make a bunch of artistic renderings of the two of you in all the places you’d like to go and hide them throughout the house. She might appreciate the effort.

BlacktopGriffey asks: Who’s your top ten current MLB players?

A lot of lists this time, but I’m always game to give definitive player rankings that no one can possibly dispute. I’ll do top ten position players and top ten pitchers.

Position Players

  1. Mike Trout
  2. Mookie Betts
  3. Jose Ramirez
  4. Nolan Arenado
  5. J.D. Martinez
  6. Francisco Lindor
  7. Manny Machado
  8. Jose Altuve
  9. Aaron Judge
  10. Joey Votto


  1. Chris Sale
  2. Max Scherzer
  3. Clayton Kershaw
  4. Jacob deGrom
  5. Justin Verlander
  6. Aaron Nola
  7. Gerrit Cole
  8. Corey Kluber
  9. Luis Severino
  10. Zack Greinke

Briansden69 asks: Remember when you went to the Denver Airport and became indoctrinated by the Illuminati? Whatever happe-

Well, I think that’ll about do it for this edition of the Burning Questions Mailbag. Always good to hear from readers and ease their troubled minds. I’ll keep my brain churning to come up with some more Burning Questions as long as you all do, too. Remember, if you have a question, I have the answer.


If I Die Before January 29th I’m Going to be Furious


Folks, we’re in the heart of E3. There’s crazy video game news everywhere you look. Awesome looking trailers for countless awesome looking games. But there’s only one thing so far that’s really tickled my fancy- Kingdom Hearts 3 has an official release date. January 29th, 2019.

For the uninformed, the Kingdom Hearts franchise is a beloved mashup between Disney and Final Fantasy. It’s overwrought, self-serious, and could easy be crushed under the weight of it’s impossible storyline. It’s also one of the greatest franchises in gaming history. The first Kingdom Hearts changed my life forever. PS2 was the first system I ever owned, and Kingdom Hearts came out a couple months after I first got it. I rented it from Blockbuster (yes, I’m old enough to have rented video games from Blockbuster), then extended the rental when I hadn’t beaten it in time. My parents were optimistic enough to put a limit on how long I could play games every day to try and stem my inevitable descent into addiction, but that was broken right around the time you fight Cerberus in the Coliseum the first time. In many ways, Kingdom Hearts is responsible for my love of video games and my dependency of them to supply me with worlds that were better than boring old real life. My first Kingdom Hearts playthrough remains one of my five favorite experiences ever playing a video game (in no particular order- KHWitcher 3Persona 5Danganronpa 2 (yes, I’m a nerd), Pokemon Silver) (Yu-Gi-Oh: Duelists of the Roses is still inexplicably one of my favorite games ever, but it got better the more times I played it when I was old enough to fully grasp the strategies involved. I’m talking first playthroughs only). Then Kingdom Hearts 2 blew my mind again. And then it was 12 years later and they finally announced the third main installment. Yes, there were plenty of side games. Yes, I played all of them, despite having to read the entire wiki every time I started a new game because the plot was so dense. Some of them were even good. Some were even great. But KH 1 and 2 are in a whole different class. To say I’ve been waiting half my life for this game to come out probably wouldn’t be an understatement.

And honestly, I don’t think it’d be possible for me to be disappointed in it. Even if it doesn’t reach the highs of 1 and 2, just the fact that it’s finally being released is good enough for me. There was a time where I legitimately didn’t think it would ever come out. That the series would just kind of die. But now that it’s actually on the horizon I know it’ll be good. For starters, it’d better be good if they spent so long making it. But I know they wouldn’t spend so long on a game just to release something subpar or incomplete. It’s going to be a good game, mostly because the worlds look sweet and that’s half the battle right there.

So, I hereby declare that I refuse to die before playing Kingdom Hearts 3. I’ll look both ways before crossing the street, stay out of unseemly parts of town, make sure not to make eye contact with anyone on the subway, and break the rules of the Continental. If you’re someone with a grudge against me and are planning on having me killed, just know that ghost will haunt you for the rest of your life if you whack me before this game comes out. I won’t travel, I won’t get abducted by human traffickers, and, under no circumstances, will I try skydiving. Nothing’s going to stop me from playing Kingdom Hearts 3. Not even the haters.

Since it’s E3 and there’s been a billion game trailers released, here are the ones that caught my eye:

Edler Scrolls VI


Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

Fire Emblem Three Houses

Octopath Traveler

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (!!!!!)

Cyberpunk 2077

Ghost of Tsushima

Last of Us 2