Canadian Censorship Has Gone Too Far

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source– When it comes to celebrating his family name, Dave Assman refuses to take no for an answer.

After Saskatchewan Government Insurance (SGI) denied his latest request for an ‘ASSMAN’ vanity license plate, the Melville man had an oversized decal designed to replicate the plate in question and then placed the decal on the tailgate of his white Dodge Ram pickup truck.

Assman — pronounced OSS-men — said he appealed SGI’s decision Tuesday and received a message around four hours later that his request had once again been rejected. Then the railroad worker took action.

In addition to his name, the decal includes the word “Saskatchewan” and the provincial motto “Land of Living Skies.” It even features what looks like the four bolt openings used for attaching to vehicles every license plate in the province.

Assman first tried to put his name on a license plate in the 1990s. That application was rejected by SGI as “profanity.” His recent application was denied on the grounds that it was “offensive, suggestive or not in good taste.”

“I think they are too worried that people are going to have hurt feelings about something that is complete nonsense,” Assman told the National Post by direct message last week. “Even if it wasn’t my last name who is it going to hurt?”

SGI, like all provincial authorities responsible for vanity plates, refuses any application that have even a whiff of sexuality, drug references, politics or religion. Its list of rejected vanity plates runs to 85 pages.

Speaking to the National Post last week, SGI spokesman Tyler McMurchy said the agency generally errs on the side of caution.

“Even if a word is someone’s name and pronounced differently than the offensive version, that’s not something that would be apparent to other motorists who will see the plate,” McMurchy said.

Here I was, minding my own business on a Wednesday, thinking that our neighbors to the north (sorry, neighbours to the north) couldn’t possibly impact my day in any way when I get slapped in the face by this shocking story. Longtime Brian’s Den reader Dave Assman, known to his friends as “Assman,” was denied his vanity plate by the oppressive Saskatchewan government because it might be too “offensive.” Excuse me? Is this 2019? Since when are names offensive? I bet his plate would have been approved if his name was Penisman.

Listen, I’m sick of Canada’s facade. Every chance they get they tell everyone “hey, here in Canada everyone’s nice and funny and awesome,” but I know better. I know the kind of Orwellian Hellscape that lies above the 49th Parallel. This is a country that bullies the little guy. That shames humble railroad workers for their surname. That censors its citizens with no remorse. What’s next? Outlawing “Gas, Grass, or Ass- Nobody Rides for Free” bumper stickers? No more Calvin peeing on stuff? I’m not even gonna ask how long Dave would have to spend in jail if he wanted his plate to say “ASSMAN69” instead of just “ASSMAN.” I’m surprised a squad of Mounted Gestapo Officers didn’t seize his truck and publicly beat him within an inch of his life for daring to defy the all-powerful SGI. Probably arrested his entire family and threatened anyone he’s ever spoken to because that’s how terror-based regimes stay in power. By convincing the weak and helpless that anything other than total cooperation is tantamount to treason.

I stand with Assman. A brave Canadian patriot who remembers when his once-noble nation was remembered for things like hockey and Celine Dion and Ryan Reynolds and ice, not fascistic tyranny that stifles joy and fosters fear and unrest. This latest incident is too far, even for Canada. Until Dave gets a legitimate ASSMAN vanity plate, I am officially #done with Canada, and I encourage you all to #done them, as well. I’m talking no more Seth Rogen movies, no more watching hockey, no more Labatt or Molson (can’t give up Celine, though. I’m only human). This is an unforgivable human rights violation that cannot be allowed. Canada must face repercussions for this disgusting display of despotism. Justice for Assman.

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I am Upset and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

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I’m typically a pretty level-headed person. As all of you know, I try to stay measured and don’t commit too far one way or the other. I go with the flow. I don’t let the little things bother me. I block out all the really annoying things people do so that it doesn’t completely consume my life and fill me with a never-ending rage. But, lately, the offenses have begun to mount. I have been faced with countless indiscretions in the span of like, two weeks, and it’s too much to ignore. I need to vent. I need to rant. I need the offenders to feel shame equal to the amount of anger they caused. What are all these mysterious problems? Well, I’m glad you asked.

  • I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not. I feel like I probably have. But why do people put bread in the fridge? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would someone take up valuable refrigerator space for an entire loaf of bread? Why would you put something that doesn’t need to be refrigerated in a refrigerator? Why would you want cold bread all the time? Why did anyone do this when refrigerators were invented, and why did those same people pass the practice down to their progeny? Why why why? I went to my friend’s house and needed to put something in the fridge, but there was no room because there was a big loaf of bread in there. I started questioning the entire friendship. Bread doesn’t go in the fridge. It’s pretty simple stuff. If you put bread in the fridge, you deserve to eat moldy bread for the rest of your life.
  • So I’m on a seemingly never ending quest right now. Around the middle of July, it was announced that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was releasing a new frozen delicacy, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites: 2fbca93aba6d96ee_cinnamon_toast_crunch_bitesThose of you who follow my Instagram account know that I primarily just reviews for all the new releases in junk and fast food I can get my hands on, and these things are easily my most personally anticipated item ever. I don’t even really need to do a review because I know they’re going to be a 10 out of 10. But, as you can tell, I don’t have them yet. Every press release has stated that they’d be out by the end of the month. Well, July ended, and no Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites have been seen. Believe me, I’ve looked. I’ve pretty much been to the grocery store every day for the last ten days or so, and every time I’ve been empty handed. But that’s not what I’m really upset about, though. Spending all that time in grocery stores has made me think back to my Grocery Store Rules and realize how often people violate them. Old ladies put their carts in the dead center of every aisle, go 2 miles per hour, and stop and random times in front of the thing you need. Old people jamming up the express checkout by taking too many thing with them. Old people jamming up the self-checkout because they don’t know how to use them. Old people in general not understanding how to conduct themselves in a grocery store, really. But one thing really took the cake. One incident that is forever seared into my subconscious. One memory that will probably take multiple years off my life, because I’m shaking with fury just thinking about it. This goddamn old man was walking around with a cup of soup he hadn’t paid for yet and sipping it. He had a spoon in his hand but he was still drinking it like it was a glass of lemonade. I couldn’t really fathom what I was watching at first. How could anyone behave this way? How could he think this was okay? He had a family with him. He kept straying away and asking literally every single employee he saw some stupid question, but he had a family. How did they let it happen. I’m not sure you understand yet: HE HAD A SPOON IN HIS HAND AND WAS STILL DRINKING HIS SOUP! WHY?????? It wasn’t tomato soup or anything, he had to chew! Why was he drinking it? I really almost killed him. I was this close to strangling him. Or taking the rest of the vat of soup he drew from and pouring it on his head. HE HADN’T EVEN PAID FOR THE SOUP YET! I feel like this is something only I care about, but you don’t eat something before you buy it. I bet he just threw the cup out and got some free soup, because clearly if he cares so little for etiquette and the well being of others that he’s sipping on some soup while walking around a grocery store, odds are he’s not too concerned about paying up, either. It’s clearly time for this old timer to be put out to pasture, but that’s not enough. Not for this crime. His possessions need to be seized. His life’s work erased. His family name needs to be wiped from the annals of history. Everything he’s ever loved needs to be destroyed in front of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice about doing something really annoying in a grocery store.
  • If you thought that was all the adversity I’ve had to face lately, you’d be wrong. In the process of going to Saratoga this weekend, I had to do a lot of driving. And I kept running into people who were going like 60 in the left lane. Why does anyone think it’s okay to do this? If you don’t feel like driving fast, don’t be in the left lane. That’s literally the entire point of having multiple lanes. Honestly, when there’s two lanes and the guy in the right lane is going 66 and the guy in the left lane is going 67, but I’m going 75 what am I supposed to do? Slow down? My travel plans shouldn’t be dictated by cowards who are too afraid to commit one way or another. If you want to go at a more leisurely pace, stay in the right lane. It can’t possibly get any simpler. I hate the highway. I want to get my highway experience over and done with as fast as possible. Don’t be the tough guy who thinks that making other people slow down will make up for the fact that you were picked on in high school. You don’t need to go fast. If you like the highway experience and want to savor it, more power to you. But don’t force me to spend any more time on it than I have to.
  • Now that I’m thinking about cars, this isn’t really a recent thing but people still do it on my street all the time. How can you look yourself in the mirror every morning if you knew you parked you car facing the wrong direction on a street? It’s really not that hard. I see this stuff all the time: This was literally taken two seconds ago outside my house. My street is not, I repeat, IS NOT a one way street. See anything wrong here? Maybe look at the pickup truck, for starters. And it’s every day with this asshole. He has literally never noticed that all the cars parked on his side of the street face the other way. I can’t understand it. Am I the only person with enough awareness of my surroundings to ever pick up on the fact that maybe, just maybe, what I’m doing is wrong? That maybe other people might get annoyed with my extreme ignorance? I guess that’s just my cross to bear.
  • There needs to be some kind of legal ramifications for mowing the lawn/weed whacking outside the hours of 12pm-7pm. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

End of rants. I feel better now. I needed to get all of that off my chest. It just boggles my mind how people can be so oblivious sometimes all the time. Maybe martial law wouldn’t be the worst thing, after all.