Category: NBA

Finally, some new blood in the NBA Finals. Been a long time since there were two more shocking conference champions, but somehow, some way, the Cavs and Warriors are meeting in the Finals. While leagues like the NHL have to deal with yet another Golden Knights-Capitals matchup, the NBA shows it’s finally captured that fool’s gold known as parity. I, for one, am thrilled to see it.

I’ve done my rant on this before, but to all the mouthbreathers out there who are complaining about Cavs-Warriors IV, what else did you want? If you say Raptors, stop reading this right now and never watch basketball again. If you’re not a Celtics fan (☹️) you can’t be that upset their depleted roster, which was clearly at the end of its rope and flat out choked in game 7, didn’t make it since they would have been obliterated (since we somehow view Finals/Super Bowl/World Series losses as worse than not getting there at all, maybe not a bad thing for the Celtics’ long term reputation??? Always knew Brad had a plan). And don’t hit me with the Rockets if you were someone who was bashing their style of play all year. I seriously can’t understand the hockey guy/90s basketball guy’s mindset when it comes to the Rockets. You hate them because all they do is shoot 3s and manipulate the refs, but then you’re upset when they get eliminated because they were the best chance for a new champion? Huh? And, of course, the Super Team crowd, who apparently just started watching basketball in 2016 and have no idea what the NBA was like in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90, or 00s. But hey, Kevin Durant ruined the NBA, right? The Warriors are the best team in the league, and LeBron is the best player in the league. If you’re unhappy that that’s the NBA FINALS matchup, please die.

Anyway, as for the series itself. Kind of lazy on my part, but there’s really no point in pulling out any numbers or anything, because the Cavs can’t be summed up by simple metrics. They’re terrible, don’t try, hate each other, and are massive underdogs. They also have LeBron James, who, already mind-meltingly great, continues to improve at age 33. It’s not completely far fetched to say LeBron wins two games singlehandedly then the role players show up for one home game and force a game 7. In all honesty, though, that would require the good Jeff Green game, the good J.R. game, the huge Kevin Love (cleared to play in game 1) game, the good George Hill game, and the game where Tristan Thompson can actually stay on the floor against the Warriors to happen at the same time. I think the last time the planets aligned that perfectly Hades released the Titans from their underwater prison to stage an attack on Mt. Olympus (a little Hercules reference, folks). The odds are overwhelmingly slim.

Here’s what we know about the Cavs- LeBron will be LeBron and Kyle Korver will make 45% of his 3s. Everything else is a total crapshoot. Here’s what we know about the Warriors- they have four Hall of Famers in their primes, who, despite not looking as dominant as usual this year, can reach a collective level no team (maybe ever) can match. The Cavs were way better last year and got absolutely demolished. Apathy is the Cavs only hope at making this a series, if we’re being honest. I hesitate to count out LeBron, but I think this will be quick and painless for all parties involved.

Prediction: Warriors in 5

Awesome

Man, who could have seen this coming? I’ll be honest, I think this is on me a little bit. Going into the series I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. LeBron will always give you just enough hope to make the loss heartbreaking, so just don’t get emotionally invested. But then the Celtics won the first two games by a billion points, and I fell right into the trap. Cavs tied up the series at 2 games apiece and now have the obvious mental edge. This thing is pretty much over.

So what happened? Kind of seems like some combination of the Cavs starting to try a little bit and the Celtics completely breaking down. I’ll throw game 3 out, because you don’t sweep LeBron, and if you’re going to lose, you might as well lose, but last night was tough. The Cavs were dying to lose. They had the big first quarter and kept inviting the Celtics to come all the way back. They were sloppy, played some typically terrible D, and did everything short of literally leaving the court and forfeiting, and the Celtics just refused to acquiesce. They missed every big shot, played even worse D than the Cavs were playing, flat out refused to rebound, stopping passing or moving around on offense. Just bad. And I get that it’s still a very young team that’s punching above its weight a little bit, but the Stevens calling card has always been effort. If they were clearly giving it their all and going balls to the wall and still lost, I can live with that. But when it seems like Marcus Smart is the only one prepared to compete, you’re going to get run out of the building in the Conference Finals. You just are. I think, much like the Pacers are probably kicking themselves over letting their series against the Cavs get away from them, the Celtics are going to be sick looking back at game 3 if they wind up losing this series.

Is there any way the Celtics win? Sure. They have two more home games, where they haven’t lost yet in the postseason. They’re still way more athletic than the Cavs. They just need to lock back in on D and stop trying to play Mamba Ball (I can already see Jayson Tatum’s career careening off the tracks because of this stupid Kobe video. Why do you want to be like Kobe??? Why do you want the “Mamba Mentality?” So you can chuck up 30 fadeaway long 2s then blame your teammates when you lose? Is that what you want your career to be?). I might throw a triangle-and-two out there and put one guy on LeBron, one guy on whoever the best shooter is, and three guys on Tristan Thompson, who might be the best terrible player in NBA history. He completely sucks against everyone but the Celtics, but whenever he sees green he starts dominating. No one can box him out. Somehow when they dump it down to him and let him create it doesn’t always end badly. He even hits his free throws. I simply can’t figure it out, and it’s annoying me to no end. I expected LeBron to enter God Mode. But Tristan Thompson is beating the Celtics??? And I don’t really think there’s anything they can do to stop him from owning the boards, either. He just works so much harder than everyone. Maybe just put Smart on him, that might neutralize him. I’d bet my life the Celtics win game 5 and lose game 7. That’s just what’s going to happen. Basketball is stupid.

I’m disgusted. I’m literally sitting here with puke in my mouth thinking about the Cavs. I’m just so insulted that they thought they would roll into Boston and win just because they have LeBron. I’m just so insulted everyone keeps picking against the Celtics as they beat both presumed favorites’ in the East brains in. I’m just so insulted the NBA is forcing the Celtics to play games 3 and 4, since the only thing that could happen is Celtic injuries at the hands of cowardly Cavs losers.

Seriously, what’s the point of playing the rest of this series? This thing is as over as over gets. The Cavs quit. They got dominated game 1, so LeBron came out and shot a big, steamy load on the Celtics faces. But the Celtics just ate it and dominated the Cavs again. LeBron is the only Cavalier who could make the Celtics’ rotation. Maybe Kevin Love if he’s hot. But every other Cav is really old, really bad, or both. Somehow, that’s not the best way to build a team. Caught me by surprise! And how about that moronic chipmunk Ty Lue saying the Celtics gooned up the game?

“We’ve got to be tougher. I think they’re playing tougher than we are.”

Ty Lue on the Celtics.#GameTime pic.twitter.com/xz0lEvYPui

— NBA TV (@NBATV) May 16, 2018

The Celtics are gooning things up? Dude, one of your guys (who has a very long history of doing things like this) tried to end Al Horford’s career last night, and you’re going to say the Celtics are gooning up the game? Huh????? And it’s so perfect that J.R. won’t face any discipline, too. Just perfect NBA. “Look our hands are tied. We didn’t give the Cavs the number one pick, so we had to give them this.” Like, hey, there’s only one All Star in this series that actually cares, maybe protect him a little? On second thought, though, maybe not suspending J.R. is actually a gift to the Celtics. I mean, despite the fact that him putting my beloved Al at risk, I love J.R., but he’s been the worst player on the court this series, and Ty Lue is definitely dumb enough to keep playing him. Speaking of how idiotic Ty Lue is, Mark Jackson actually went out of his way to praise him during the broadcast. He said Ty Lue, the very same Ty Lue that is currently “coaching” the Cleveland Cavaliers, doesn’t get enough credit and is a great coach. That might actually be the most insulting thing that happened last night. Ty Lue could be out-coached by a blind, deaf  toddler who had never touched a basketball before. Don’t you dare put him in the same category as legitimate NBA coaches.

But yeah, that’s a wrap for the Cavs. LeBron’s second stint in Cleveland is gonna end with a 2011-Lakers-like whimper. Honestly LeBron should just boycott the rest of the series, because his (hand-picked) supporting cast might be the worst team in the league. Feel bad for Love, Kyle Korver, and Larry Nance. They don’t deserve to be with this group of losers, but they’ll probably all be on different teams next year.

Now the question becomes where does this Cavs team rank among the most cowardly, gutless groups in human history. They might be number one, honestly. I mean, they have LeBron and have been to the Finals three straight years. How do you lose to this (much better) Celtics team? Let’s see how they stack up:

2011 Lakers

Two-time defending champs face the slightest hint of adversity and start handing out cheap shots left and right. Guess that’s what you get when you have Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum on the roster. Just a bunch of sore losers. I think the Cavs are more cowardly, though, because everything the Lakers did in game 4 against the Mavs, the Cavs are doing in game 2. They’ve already entered their pouting child phase. An unreal lack of fortitude. Bonus points for the Lakers because 2011 Dirk would frustrate anyone into quitting (like LeBron’s team). Next.

2014 Colts and Ravens

God, remember Deflategate? I do. I remember every godforsaken detail. And it all started because the Ravens threw a temper tantrum that the Patriots outsmarted them then bullied the Colts into fabricating a deflated football controversy. The least sportsmanlike display in the history of the least sportsmanlike league on Earth. Add in the fact that the Colts, who built their entire gameplan around catching the Pats in a fake scandal, got absolutely DESTROYED and quit in the second quarter, and this is a pretty formidable duo for the Cavs to face. Still, the Pats were favored in both games. The Celtics weren’t. The Colts are clearly the more cowardly of the two teams, letting both the Ravens and Pats repeatedly walk all over them, but you can’t include one without the other. Ravens weren’t cowardly, just jealous. Cavs are straight up yellow.

1940 French Government

It’s funny how the way we view certain things in history changes despite that fact that, you know, nothing actually changed, because I think popular opinion is now that France’s surrender to Nazi Germany wasn’t cowardly. This is as incorrect of a take as any human can have. They built a glorified retaining wall thinking it would stop the strongest army in the world, and then, when it somehow didn’t, surrendered instantly. Have some backbone, guys. The Nazis wanted to destroy everything you’ve ever built and you ask them if they’d like some tea to go with it? Embarrassing. Still, the Nazis were heavy favorites. That’s a lot more than the Celtics can say. And the French were able to retain the culture and history, which is certainly more than the Cavs can say once LeBron leaves. I would argue that, considering LeBron’s pending free agency, the Cavs actually had more on the line in this series than the French did in World War II. Countries always rebuild themselves after wars. You don’t recover from LeBron leaving your team in shambles a second time. Plus, it took the French 46 days to quit. It took the Cavs 3.

The Galactic Senate

The nameless, faceless group of pawns and lackeys allowed a power-hungry madman to assume complete control of a supposed democracy, then gave his declaration of fascism and genocide thunderous applause. I don’t know if everyone involved was just ignorant or lazy, but the fact that no one thought Palpatine might be up to no good before he had already amassed enough internal power to survive any threat to his standing isn’t a good look. These are supposed to be the best representations of life in the Galaxy, and they let Palpatine completely control them. No one had the guts to oppose him or the growing mob, and no one had the courtesy of alerting the apparently clueless Jedi that the source of all evil was right under their noses. And still, nothing Palpatine did was quite as bad as repeatedly cheating on his pregnant celebrity girlfriend, and every member of the Cavaliers sat around and watched that happened. What kind of example does that set for your daughter, LeBron? God, just thinking about it makes me sick. At least the Senate voted on whether or not to pack up shop. The Cavs just quit.

2011 Red Sox

The most unlikeable team I have ever “rooted” for. Spent a billion dollars in the offseason on two straight up cowards in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, and a thousand game lead in the division, somehow blew it, and cost Tito Francona his job. Most pathetic baseball performance ever given by a non-Mets team. Gonzalez said God didn’t have it in His plan for the Red Sox to make the playoffs, which is somehow even more apathetic than the Cavs have been. J.R. displayed more competitive fire than Crawford ever did. John Lackey actively tried to sabotage the season, which, to be fair, no one on the Cavs has really done, unless you count Ty Lue’s coaching. Sox get extra coward points for ushering in the Bobby Valentine era, AKA the worst year of my life. Looks like the Cavs’ run ends here. The 2011 Red Sox are the biggest cowards of all time.

Now that one Conference Final matchup is set (side rant for all the h8tz out there- yes, Rockets-Warriors is exactly what we thought the WCF would be all season. Why is this a bad thing? What would you rather have than the two best teams in the NBA playing each other for a spot in the Finals? You want some random team to make and have either the Rockets or Warriors sweep them? Then you’d just say how rigged and pointless the league is. It’s like when people complain about weak late-round games in the NCAA Tournament after they were jerking off to every upset. You can’t have it both ways. If you want fluke champions that make no sense, have no staying power whatsoever, and look utterly foolish five years after it happens, the NHL is right over there. Here in the NBA, the best teams actually win. Crazy concept, I know), it’s officially Legacy SZN. And when you take all the Chris Paul historical context talk and add it with the recent Bryce Harper nonsense, you’ve got the perfect formula to get me thinking about where current NBA stars rank in the league historically. Actually, that’s a lie. Since I’m a loser with no life, I’m always thinking about these things, but still. This felt like an apt time to publish those thoughts.

Which current NBA players will make the Basketball Hall of Fame? It’s always important to add in the caveat that the Basketball Hall of Fame isn’t the NBA Hall of Fame. Yes, the NBA is the biggest part of any player’s resumé, but college and foreign leagues factor in, as well. When trying to put this list together, I decided the best way to do it would just go team by team and discussing any prospective candidate so I don’t forget anyone. I 100% would have forgotten Vince Carter was still in the league if I was just listing guys. Much like my superstar criteria, my Hall of Fame standards are pretty simple- you either are or you aren’t. No duh, but I hope you know what I mean. For someone with a completed career or enough of a completed career to paint a full picture, it should be automatic yes or no. They’ll be no arguing when it comes to 15 year vets. The debate comes with projecting younger players, but a similar standard applies. If you have to start really stretching facts or making irresponsible assumptions about player development, it’s either way too early to tell or you’re just reaching. With a few exceptions, I tried to avoid young players for that reason. We all love Donovan Mitchell, but I’m not really ready to declare him a Hall of Famer just yet. So if I don’t mention your favorite young player, that doesn’t mean I hate him, it means he’s played two years in the league. You’ll probably find me pretty generous, but, as any NBA hater will tell you, everyone winds up getting in to the Basketball Hall of Fame, so who cares?

As for why you should listen to me, well, I’ve been to the Hall of Fame twice and drove past it every time I went to or from Vermont when I was living in Connecticut in college and the three years after. So, yeah, I think I know what I’m talking about, here. Teams listed alphabetically by city.

Atlanta Hawks

• Absolutely no one

Boston Celtics

• Kyrie Irving– Five time All Star, All Star MVP, Champion, hit one of the most iconic shots in NBA history, arguably the greatest ball handler ever, career 22 ppg on .462/.388/.875, has a movie coming out (it matters), is only 25. Doesn’t take a lot of imagination to say he’s in.
• Al Horford– Bet you didn’t realize he was a five time All Star. Still, even with likely All-NBA and All-Defense appearances this year, he probably doesn’t have the counting stats or individual awards to make it in. Until you remember he was secretly the best player on the Florida teams that went back-to-back. Even if it’s just part of some kind of exhibit celebrating the last college team to win consecutive titles, he’ll wind up in.
• Jayson Tatum– Obviously in.
• Jaylen Brown– Clearly in.
• Terry Rozier III– Don’t even know what we’re debating. In.

Brooklyn Nets

• Jahlil Okafor

Charlotte Hornets

• Dwight Howard– Really rough last few years, but he’s still an eight time All Star, three time Defensive Player of the Year, has never averaged less than ten rebounds, finished top five in MVP voting four times, and was a Courtney Lee missed layup away from maaaaaaaaaybe winning a title. The guy’s in.
• Kemba Walker– Alright, if you’re new to the site, it’s pretty obvious I’m a Celtics fan. I also went to UConn, so I’m a little biased here, too. Kemba’s college run counts for like, five All-NBA teams. He’s made back-to-back All Star teams. He’s one of the ten best ball handlers to ever live. I saw him at an Applebee’s, once. I can kind of feel myself reaching here, so I’ll say right now he’s out, but check back in five years when he’s on a good team.

Chicago Bulls

• Michael Jordan– Gotta say, I think Michael’s done just enough. He’s in.

Cleveland Cavaliers

• LeBron James– Don’t know if anyone would object if they just put him in today.
• Kevin Love– Five time All Star, two time All NBA, won a title, was blamed for everything that ever went wrong in Cleveland, put up some obscene seasons in Minnesota, went from fat to skinny (deducts points), was once allowed to be the leading scorer on a Russell Westbrook team (massive points), always kind of hurt, has a Banana Republic deal, was the undisputed Best American White player for at least five seasons. I think that’ll all add up to in.
• Kyle Korver– Korver’s interesting to me. He’s one of the five best 3-point shooters of all time (4th in career makes), was an All Star, and has been part of some very marquis teams. It just comes down to whether or not they ever want to open the door to pure role players. Since they haven’t yet (outside any with multiple titles), I’ll say out.
• J.R. Smith– He’s out, but it’d be so funny if he somehow got in. Hey, he’s won a title, is one of the most physically gifted players ever, has some truly all time highlights, and is one of the most beloved players of the last decade. That has to count for something.
• Jeff Green– Once averaged more points than Russell Westbrook. Out.

Dallas Mavericks

• Dirk Nowtizki– Think he’s got a shot. In.

Denver Nuggets

• Paul Millsap– Honestly so random he’s made four All Star teams. Out.

Detroit Pistons

• Blake Griffin– An All Star his first five years in the league, four time All NBA, a top 3 MVP finish, some of the most famous highlights ever. But just so many injuries. If he can make another All Star team or two in the post-million-injuries stage of his career, I think he’ll wind up in. But right now, it’s kind of feeling like he’s trending out. Actually, this is the Basketball Hall of Fame. He’ll get in.
• Andre Drummond– Just need a good point guard and we’ll be rollin’, baby! Out.

Golden State Warriors

• Steph Curry– Two time MVP. That’s really enough. But he’s also the greatest shooter ever, the most important player on (probably) three champions and counting as well as a 73-win team that should have won, and completely changed the way the game is played. In.
• Kevin Durant– Successfully ruined the NBA and won the title in the same year (as if the Warriors hadn’t just won 73 games and weren’t prohibitive favorites before he signed). Was allowed to be the leading scorer on a Russell Westbrook team. Probably the most unique offensive player ever. In.
• Klay Thompson– Literally one one person in history has ever been better than Klay at one of the most fundamental skills of basketball and it happens to be his teammate. Add in the defense and (likely) three titles and he’s in.
• Draymond Green– Defensive Player of the Year and heartbeat of (probably) three-time champion Warriors. Accomplished college career. In.
• Andre Iguodala– Finals MVP, (likely) three time champ, and two time All Defense, but only one All Star appearance. This will test how much the voters value winning and being key contributors to iconic teams. He’s better than Derek Fisher and Robert Horry, but neither of them have even sniffed the Hall yet, so I’ll say he’s out.
• David West– Out of thoroughness, I’m kind of just including anyone who’s made multiple All Star games. Out.

Houston Rockets

• James Harden– When people say there’s never been someone exactly like you and it’s true, that’s usually enough. He’s also going to win MVP this year. In.
• Chris Paul– If Chris Paul had a championship on his resumé people would be asking who Magic Johnson was. Steph and CP3 are, in my opinion, the two best point guards to ever play. In.
• Joe Johnson– Joe Johnson has made over $210 million in his career. Think about that. He’s eighth all time in career earnings. Joe Johnson! He’s in for the finesse alone.
• Gerald Green– Dunk contest wins should count for Hall of Fame standing. Out.

Indiana Pacers

• I’m considering this Victor Oladipo’s rookie year. Forget the other years ever happened.

Los Angeles Clippers

• Not even my beloved Danilo

Los Angeles Lakers

• Isaiah Thomas– I said I would mention every multi-time All Star. Actually will have a semi-compelling case as the best really short player ever. Out.

Memphis Grizzlies

• Mike Conley– Being “the best player to not make an All Star team” doesn’t really fly for Hall of Fame voters. Out.
• Marc Gasol– Three time All Star, two time All NBA, Defensive Player of the Year, International success, one of the best passing big men of all time. He’s probably out, but if you look at some of the names that got in, there are worse options.

Miami Heat

• Dwyane Wade– Yeah, he’s in.

Milwaukee Bucks

• Giannis Antetokounmpo– Does it really take much imagination to see him getting in? Like, if his career ended today? In.
• Jason Terry– Shoutout 2011 Mavs. Out.

Minnesota Timberwolves

• Karl-Anthony Towns– Again, does it really take a big leap of faith to see a 22-year-old with career averages of 21.6 and 11.7 making the Hall of Fame? In.
• Jimmy Butler– People love a good rags-to-riches story, and no one embodies the spirit of determination and hard work more than Jimmy. He also makes the game of basketball look like the hardest thing a human can possibly do, which isn’t a quality I look for in my Hall of Famers. Out.
• Derrick Rose– God, Derrick Rose won an MVP. So preposterous to think about. Out.

New Orleans Pelicans

• Anthony Davis– You could argue that no big man has ever had a better skill set. In.
• DeMarcus Cousins– If he comes back from the achilles injury relatively the same and keeps putting up 25-12-5? He’s in. If not? Well, I like to look on the bright side.
• Rajon Rondo– Four time All Star, one All NBA team, four All Defensive team, lead the league in assists three times, the most egregious stat-hunter outside Oklahoma City, kind of a terrible person, NBA Champ. What to make of Rondo? I think he’s out, but I won’t rule out a possible future HOF coaching career.
• Emeka Okafor– Represent 2004. Out.

New York Knicks

• Joakim Noah– Copy and paste the Horford segment, but add a DPOY. He’s a joke now, but I think he gets in on the strength of his college days.

Oklahoma City Thunder

• Russell Westbrook– The human embodiment of excess, and also one of the most intimidating forces to ever step foot on a basketball court. In.
• Paul George– He averages over 20 points and makes the All Star team when healthy. If he ever gets back on a real contender and gets some more Playoff P moments, I think he’ll be someone we look at one day and he’s got nine All Star games and is top 30 in career scoring. In.
• Carmelo Anthony– He’s in, but I want him to be out so bad. I think Melo having to wait a few years to get into the Hall, or, better yet, he goes in the same year as LeBron or Wade so is completely overshadowed, would be the funniest thing possible.

Orlando Magic

• Yikes

Philadelphia 76ers

• Joel Embiid– Gonna give my first TBD here, and it’s purely because of injuries. If he can put together let’s say, eight healthy seasons, he’s in. If everything keeps falling apart? Who knows.
• Ben Simmons– I said I’d avoid rookies for the most part, but I have to mention him. If I had done this a week ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say he’s in. Guys like him come around once, like, ever. But after this abysmal series against Boston? I’m not worried, but if it starts becoming a pattern… TBD.
• J.J. Redick– See: Korver, Kyle Out.
• Furkan Korkmaz– Might have been the toughest call out of anyone, but for now I’ll say out. Still time to add on, though.

Phoenix Suns

• Devin Booker– Out, but 100% of players who scored 70 in a game are in (or will be).

Portland Trail Blazers

• Damian Lillard– Always lost in the shuffle, always complaining about getting lost in the shuffle, always getting swept in the first round. Still he’ll likely have three All NBA teams after their announced this year, which is nothing to scoff at. Neither is the fact that he averages over 200 made 3s a year and will almost undoubtedly finish in the top 5-10 in career 3s and 20-25k points. Has his own shoe. He’ll probably win up in.

Sacramento Kings

• Vince Carter- Someone tell Vince to retire soon before he sullies his good name. In.
• Zach Randolph– He’s a little short, but do you want to tell Z-Bo he’s out? I don’t. In.

San Antonio Spurs

• Tony Parker– People forget Tony Parker was All NBA 2nd team three straight years. In.
• Manu Ginobili– A million NBA titles, Olympic gold, and one of the most stylish, exciting players in NBA history. In.
• Kawhi Leonard– If he gets healthy and puts his head back on straight, nothing will stop him from being in.
• Pau Gasol– Carried the Lakers to back-to-back titles, six time All Star, one of the most skilled big men ever, leader of the Spanish Basketball Revolution (don’t know if anyone else calls it that but Spain got good at basketball out of nowhere), wore braces and didn’t get beat up, was somehow only the fourth most pretentious person on those Lakers teams. In.
• LaMarcus Aldridge– Did you know he’s a six time All Star? Or that he’ll probably have five All NBA teams after this year? He’s not a lock by any means, but the resumé is kind of there. Because, again, everyone winds up getting in, I’ll say in.

Toronto Raptors

• DeMar DeRozan– He’s like a slightly better Clyde Drexler, complete with the crippling fear of the best player in the league. Some really, really good regular seasons, but we don’t let guys who completely no-show in the playoffs into this Hall of Fame. Out.
• Kyle Lowry– He’s like a significantly worse Chris Paul, complete with the playoff collapses. Some really, really good regular seasons, but we don’t let guys who completely no-show in the playoffs into this Hall of Fame. Out.

Utah Jazz

• Apologies to Joe Ingles, but no one yet.

Washington Wizards

• John Wall– Currently top ten in career assists per game, could easily get into the top 20 in total assists in about four years, five time All Star, has an All Defense team and an All NBA team, absurdly huge contract will probably keep him in Washington where he’ll never win anything, still can’t shoot. Flip a coin when projecting the second half of his career. To be safe I’ll say in.
• Bradley Beal– I’m not as big of a Beal guy as some others, but he has some Klay potential if put in the right situation. He’s just not in that situation now. Out.

That’s everyone. Crazy how the good teams have all the future Hall of Famers and the bad ones don’t. Who’d a thunk? Again, anyone I didn’t mention is either too young, too bad, or just doesn’t have any kind of accolades. In other words, if you disagree, too bad. And one more time for the people in the back, everyone makes the Hall of Fame. Literally everyone. I’m sure the Hall of Fame voters would look at my list and ask why I’m being so stingy. So trust me on this. I’m right.

Me whenever Terry Rozier gets hot:

Here in the Brian’s Den we try not to get caught up hyperbole. We really do. But I just don’t see how the Celtics don’t win the NBA Championship this year. I mean they just mentally eviscerated Philly. It’s over. Sixers quit about halfway through the third quarter. Everyone was anointing them as East champions before the series, and at the slightest hint of adversity they pack up shop? Ben Simmons had one point? 1! Al Horford is paying Joel Embiid rent for all the space he’s using in his head. J.J. Redick and T.J. McConnell are their best players! And this is the team that’s supposed to go head to head with the Celtics for the next ten years? What happens when the Celtics get their best players back and add another top 5 pick next year because the Sixers were dumb enough to trade the Kings’ pick for a player they would have been able to get with their original pick (R.I.P. Sam Hinkie)? Do they just cancel the games before they start like they do with Cavs-Raptors? I’m seriously struggling to see how the Process comes out on top. Even if they push it to six or seven games (which I’m assuming they will) they’re not winning in Boston. They just aren’t. Let’s just move on to the Eastern Conference Finals, already.

Can’t see the Cavs winning, either, honestly. Let’s just look at the roster breakdowns. It’s LeBron vs. Terry Rozier. LeBron or Terry? Terry or LeBron? I don’t see an advantage either way. Al Horford is better than Kevin Love. Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum are better than everyone on the Cavs roster outside LBJ and Love (imagine wanting Fultz and Josh Jackson over Tatum in the draft? Anyone who did must feel like an idiot! I could never!). Brad Stevens is to Ty Lue what Starry Night is to the hand turkey I drew in kindergarten that my teacher crumpled up and threw out in front of me because it was so bad (not that I still remember it, or anything). Celtics have better jerseys and a better barn. If things get physical, Marcuses Morris and Smart can counteract Kendrick Perkins. Celtics have precisely zero Kardashian drama. Celtics might legitimately not win a road game all playoffs, but they’re unbeatable at home. Celtics have Gucci on their side now!

Cavs are mentally weak (hope LeBron doesn’t read this) just like the Sixers are mentally weak. Before the playoffs I said I’d be fine with pretty much any result if they won round one. Now that I see the competition? Things change.

The only real question I have is how many games will it take to win the Finals? If the Rockets somehow beat Golden State, it’s a sweep. Beating the Warriors is Houston’s trophy. They’d thank the Celtics for kicking off their vacations early. But if they face the Warriors? Now it might be a little tough. But I figure the Celtics come out game 1 and hit them in the mouth, get an early lead and hang on for the win, get blasted in game 2, come back and win both games in Boston, then just win one more. I’m starting to think the Celtics not winning the title would be an upset. Imagine the Celtics getting a title without their best player before the Process wins one? Whooooo, boy, the kind of takes that would come out of that. Kind of wish we could just fast forward to next year’s playoffs. This year’s are already wrapped up.

Folks, it’s #PlayoffSZN, and I couldn’t be happier. After Wednesday’s dramatic regular season conclusion, I’m amped up and ready for some playoff action. “But who cares,” you’re asking. “The NBA is a joke. We already know who’s going to be in the playoffs. If you really want drama you need to watch the NHL playoffs, where every single lower seed is always favored to win and teams don’t win back-to-back titles.” Fair point. I couldn’t imagine living in a world where an NHL team went back-to-back and is currently seeking their third in a row. That’d be crazy. But I do agree that the NBA playoffs tend to be void of surprise, but that doesn’t mean there’s no drama. And this season, well, you better throw out the record books. Anything can happen. Not really anything, but you get my meaning. There’s so much parity (i.e. everyone’s the same level of bad) that I wouldn’t be surprised if almost every lower seed advanced. But, as you know, I’m not in the business of being surprised. I’m in the business of being right. So, without any further ado, might as well dive right in to all eight first round matchups. As always, my predictions can be written in pen, set in stone, and taken to the bank. I don’t think I’ve ever been wrong.

EAST

1. Toronto Raptors vs. 8. Washington Wizards

I’ve never hidden my disdain for the Wizards. I hate their false bravado and sense of entitlement. I hate Kelly Oubre and his “fakest-tough-guy-in-the-history-of-fake-tough-guys” routine and his quest to overcompensate for the fact that his name is Kelly. I hate the fabricated chip on their shoulder they all have from a series of perceived incidents of disrespects, when in reality it’s just everyone acknowledging that they’ve never won anything. I love how mentally weak they are and how they lose to every bad team they play. I love how they boast that the Cavs wanted to avoid them in the playoffs last year before they turned around and lost to the Celtics before they could, you know, play the Cavs. Still, even the hater in me recognizes that, at full strength, they’re one of the most talented teams in the East. And they’re playing the Raptors. At this point anticipating a Raptors choke has kind of jumped the shark. Look, I know they’re still the Raptors and aren’t going to make a Finals run or anything, but they were still the best team in the East this season. By far. Sure, a healthy John Wall would be the best player on the court and the Raptors are the second most mentally weak team in the NBA, but don’t overthink this. The Wizards are the most mentally weak team in the league.

Prediction: Raptors in 6

2. Boston Celtics vs. 7. Milwaukee Bucks

As I said when Kyrie went down, this is kind of a weird spot to be as a Celtics fan. Despite the massive hype coming into the season and the fact that they’re the 2-seed, there’s virtually no expectations for them in the playoffs. It would be disappointing to lose in the first round, yes, but with so many injuries, how upset can you be? Win a round and everything’s gravy. Still, though, this Bucks team is bad. Very bad. In their last game of the season, with potential seeding on the line, they lost by 40. 40! Maybe they were playing possum and didn’t want to face the Sixers in the first round, but still. The way to beat the Horford Celtics is to pound them on the glass and muck up the offense. The Bucks finished dead last in rebounds per game and had the third worst rebound percentage in the league. Not ideal. They certainly have the lengthy athletes to make scoring impossible for the limited Celtics, but the Bucks can’t shoot. Bottom third of the league in 3-point shooting. Listen, Giannis is impossible to prepare for. There’s going to be one game, maybe two, hopefully not three, where he just decides no one’s stopping him and he gets 45+ and fouls the whole team out. But if that doesn’t happen, I don’t see how the Bucks score enough. And if you can’t score enough to keep up with this Celtics roster, you’re in serious trouble. Not to mention the severe coaching mismatch. I had to Google who the Bucks coach is. It’s Joe Prunty. That’s not the name of a coach that wins playoff series.

Prediction: Celtics in 5

3. Philadelphia 76ers vs. 6. Miami Heat

It’s so hard not to get caught up in the Process hype, but outside an Erik Spoelstra magic trick the likes of the world has never seen, I can’t see Miami winning more than one game. They just don’t have the talent. Joel Embiid won’t play in Game 1, but assuming he comes back in Game 2, the Sixers will just overwhelm the Heat. If Embiid is playing, the Heat’s only hope is that Whiteside can get him to pick up a couple technicals. It’s absurd we’re even talking about the Sixers like this as early as 2018, but here we are. I will say, though, it would be very funny if the Sixers lost in the first round.

Prediction: Sixers in 5

4. Cleveland Cavaliers vs. 5. Indiana Pacers

Alright, I can’t make this scenario up: I’m writing this in a Starbucks because there are people filming a movie or something in my apartment. Like, a legit crew with expensive equipment, not like my videos where it’s some guy with an iPhone. And normally I wouldn’t mind. After all, I’ve already declared that I’m looking to get into the film industry. I figured I’d stick around, maybe meet some people, maybe get a hook up down the line. But, for some reason I still can’t figure out, the director proclaimed that the WiFi router needed to be moved. So, they unplugged it and then, this is the key part, they never plugged it back in! I was sitting in my room like an idiot waiting for some strangers to give me my internet back for like, 20 minutes to no avail. And I couldn’t say anything, either, because it would have been about thirty against one (of course my roommate that set this up already left, too). So I had to relocate, because I’m foolish and care more about delivering content to my handful of readers than building potential professional relationships. Besides, anyone who doesn’t prioritize WiFi is no friend of mine. But yeah, I’m in Starbucks sitting on a stool, and I just can’t do backless chairs. I don’t know if that makes me old or just out of shape or what, but this is seriously killing my back. I hope everyone appreciates the lengths I’m going to here.

Prediction: Cavs in 4

WEST

1. Houston Rockets vs. 8. Minnesota Timberwolves

I actually think this series could be interesting. Who can stop Towns when he gets going? What if Jimmy Butler starts hitting shots, getting to the line, and locking up on D? What happens if Derrick Rose- actually, yeah, never mind. Rockets are just too good. Don’t worry, though. The choke is coming.

Prediction: Rockets in 5

2. Golden State Warriors vs. 7. San Antonio Spurs

It’s weird to me how the image file Wikipedia uses for the Warriors is so much smaller than the one from every other team. Are they trying to say something? Hmm. Also weird to see the Spurs as the lower seed, but that’s what happens when your star player decides he doesn’t want to play basketball anymore. Tough to recover from that if you’re a professional basketball team. No Steph Curry for the Warriors, but that shouldn’t matter. Maybe, maybe, Pop and LaMarcus Aldridge combine to steal a game, but this won’t last long.

Prediction: Warriors in 4

3. Portland Trail Blazers vs. 6. New Orleans Pelicans

Two words: Anthony Davis. Don’t know if you were aware, but he plays for the Pelicans, and he’s very good. Sometimes things are easier than what we make them out to be: these are two of the most evenly matched teams in the league. Blazers finished with one more win. Whoever has the best player usually wins. The Pelicans have a better chance of defending Lillard and McCollum than the Blazers have of defending Davis. If he gets going (and he will) I don’t know how the Blazers plan on dealing with him. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

Prediction: Pelicans in 7

4. Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 5. Utah Jazz

This one’s pretty cut and dry to me. If the Jazz wear their City jerseys every game, they win. If they don’t, well, good season. I’ll be curious as to whether Russell Westbrook or Donovan Mitchell doesn’t care about winning this series or various awards more. Both those guys are so reserved and totally don’t care about recognition or proving people wrong. Mitchell’s starting to push it, though. Like, dude, you’re not as good as Ben Simmons. It’s okay. I’m not either, and I’ve accepted it. It’s not that hard! Anyway, the Thunder have the better roster. Steven Adams can cancel out Rudy Gobert and Paul George can cancel out Mitchell. I like Russell Westbrook’s chances of singlehandedly winning games over Joe Ingles’. No offense, Joe.

Prediction: Thunder in 6

So do they even need to play the game, anymore? I’m kind of thinking no. I mean, I already accurately described everything that could possibly happen in the first round, so let’s just save everyone a couple weeks and move up to the second round. No? Fine, I guess I’ll watch some playoff basketball. You’re really twisting my arm, here.