I know what you’re all thinking. “Where were the picks yesterday? Even though they’ve only been going on for two weeks, they’ve become a vital part of my Friday afternoon, and I feel lost without them.” It’s true, I failed to post this yesterday. I would apologize, but I think once you see what I was doing yesterday, you’ll be thanking me. Still, I couldn’t just not put my rock-solid picks out there. However, since it’s Saturday morning and I don’t really feel like it, and because these games are all terrible, I’m skipping the write-ups and just giving the picks. Some of you may find this preferable, but please keep those opinions to yourself.
Bills +3 at Bengals
Chargers +3.5 at Giants
Titans if Mariota plays at Dolphins, no one if he doesn’t
Ahhhh, what a season. Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Can you hear it? The wind whistling through the autumn foliage. The crunch of the fallen leaves underfoot. The snap of crisp apples. The warm, nostalgic aromas of cinnamon and nutmeg. The over-saturation of pumpkin flavored food items. It’s playoff baseball SZN, and I couldn’t be happier. Well, happy might not be the right word. I don’t think baseball will give me any lasting happiness until the Red Sox win the World Series. Watching playoff baseball when your team is involved is like getting a thousand tiny needles jammed into you every second. Each pitch could be the one that breaks your back or finally gives you some release on the tension that’s been building inside of you for four hours. If you can, I recommend setting up a TV or streaming the game in the bathroom, because when the starting pitcher loads the bases with no outs in the third inning and gets pulled, your nerves are probably going to be running pretty high and your sphincter pretty tight. You can try to calm yourself by drinking or eating a bunch of pizza or wings or something, but personally I get too nervous to ingest anything. I’d say a playoff baseball game is pretty much an extended version of the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Oh, what’s that? 90% don’t know what it’s like to have your team play in and win multiple Super Bowls? Wow. Bad analogy, then. Anyway, playoff baseball is a terrible ordeal to go through, but I wouldn’t change anything about it. Because if your team pulls through in a 2-1 grind or wins a series or somehow wins the World Series, there’s no better feeling in the world. With that setup, it’s time to get to the preview. Now, I make fun of Hockey Guys for saying this exact thing during the Stanley Cup Playoffs, but since this is baseball and I’m a Baseball Guy, it’s okay when I say it: literally anything can happen in the playoffs. Individual baseball games are the least consequential pieces of data in sports, and even in a seven game series, let alone the five game Division series, the best team doesn’t really always win. So much of what determines the results of playoff baseball games is all luck or chance: a random error by a usually sure-handed fielder, an 8th inning home run by the backup catcher with a career .583 OPS, a Cy Young-caliber pitcher starts walking a bunch of guys and giving up homers. It’s such an easy and unquantifiable thing to say, but the game really does come down to mental toughness and “cluchness,” which means that no one knows what’s going to happen and it’s virtually impossible to say who’s going to win. That’s never stopped me from trying, though.
Boston Red Sox vs. Houston Astros
The last time I wrote about the Red Sox, I was saying they might be able to make a deep run because they were so under-the-radar. Well, that was all based on the clearly absurd notion that the Red Sox would actually finish the season playing well. How foolish of me. Much like a child who doesn’t want to eat their vegetables, the Sox had to be forced to win the division or risk going to bed early without dessert. They begrudgingly took care of business, but they’ll be damned if they give any more effort than is absolutely necessary to play a baseball game. It’s stupid to say a ten game stretch was enough to get me off the Red Sox bandwagon that I’ve been on since the say I was born, but this year’s team was so weird and I don’t trust them at all. If Chris Sale can’t win today, it’ll be a sweep. I appreciate the early start time this afternoon, because it’ll free me up to watch one of my teams that actually is going to win the championship this year (btw, I looooooooooooooooooooooove Pats -6. You may never hear from me again I’ll be so rich after tonight). Astros are good but not in an intimidating way, so if things go 100% right the Sox will still win, I just know they won’t. Still, I won’t be on the wrong side of history should things go in my favor.
Red Sox in 4
New York Yankees vs. Cleveland Indians
Nothing would make me happier than an Indians curb stomp, but I think we all know that’s probably not going to happen. As you might have heard, the Yankees are Back, despite this being a rebuilding year. What that means is that Yankee fans are in perfect position to be the ultimate versions of themselves. If they go on a run and possibly win it all, they get to tell everyone to kiss the rings (that they won when there were 4 teams and no black players) and remind everyone that they weren’t even supposed to be good this year, so who knows how many consecutive championships they’ll win. If the Indians beat them, they can still call for wholesale change, forgetting their favorite line all year, “we weren’t even supposed to be good this year.” It’s a can’t lose situation for the typical obnoxious Yankee fan, so, in that regard, we’ve all already lost. On the field, they’re actually pretty similar teams, with deep, explosive lineups and great bullpens. However, whatever it really means in today’s game, the Indians have more good starting pitching. Severino might as well just not show up anymore, leaving the Yanks with whatever version of Tanaka they get, Sonny Gray, and the reanimated corpse of CC Sabathia. Not great. All realistic signs point to the Indians, which means only one thing.
Yankees in 5
Chicago Cubs vs. Washington Nationals
Love the Cubs this year. All the historical angst is gone, and, for some unfathomable reason, there’s absolutely no pressure on the defending champ in a massive market. Literally no one is talking about them, and they’re just as great as last year. I’ll die before I predict playoff success for a D.C. team.
Cubs in 4
Arizona Diamondbacksvs. Los Angeles Dodgers
Too bad the Rockies didn’t win to break up this run of red and blue teams. I’m super conflicted about this series, because on one hand, I would love to see Kershaw finally start dominating the playoffs and blowing fools away. If he won a World Series while pitching at his historic level and shoved it in all the h8rz faces, I’d be so happy. But on the other hand, this DBacks team is awesome. I’m all in on the Great J.D. Martinez Contract Hunt of 2017, and I’ve got a feeling Goldschmidt is going to make me regret dismissing his MVP chances. Their pitching is good on paper but not good enough to keep any game from getting interesting late, meaning all of these games are going to last 6 hours. Everyone else will bail and complain about how long they are, but I bask in the glow of pitching changes, bad defensive plays, home runs, and mental breakdowns (as long as it’s not the Red Sox). I’m actually excited to watch both National League series, something I can’t say about the American League, and this one promises to be the most exciting. Or a Dodgers sweep. But, since I think I want the DBacks to win because it’d be more fun, I’m thinking the latter.
Dodgers in 4
The Division Series round seems like it last two seconds. If you’re not 100% plugged in, you can easily miss games, developments, big moments, and meltdowns. But luckily for you, I don’t miss anything, so I’ll be here to break down everything. Every mistake, every clutch home run, every time someone Earns Their Pinstripes, everything. Nothing quite like playoff baseball, folks.
Seems like only yesterday that I was previewing every division in anticipation for the coming baseball season, and yet here we are at the end. It was a crazy season full of streaks and slides, absurd individual performances (good and bad), and plenty of hot takes to go around. If your team didn’t make the playoffs (can’t relate), don’t be sad the season’s over, smile because it happened (unless you’re a Mets, Padres, Giants, Tigers, Blue Jays, Braves, Phillies, Rangers, A’s, Marin- actually, you probably should just be sad if your team didn’t make the playoffs). If your team is in, hope you had your annual colonoscopy because your butthole is going to be uncomfortably tight for the next month. Believe me, snacking during games helps (bonus, completely out-of-nowhere Chip Power Rankings: 1. Cape Cod Dark Russet 2. Ruffles All Dressed 3. Doritos Spicy Nacho 3. Cape Cod Salt and Vinegar 5. Santitas Tortilla Chips). I’ll get into the playoff experience later when I do a full playoff preview, but I’d rather have my team miss the playoffs than have to play in the wildcard game, and, if they aren’t going to win the World Series, I want them to lose ASAP. Being emotionally invested in 10-20 playoff baseball games only to not come out on top is one of the worst feelings of all time. On a related note, I’m sure you’re all looking for my wildcard picks, but predicting the outcomes of single baseball games in a winner-take-all atmosphere is virtually impossible, so I’ll just say I’d be awfully surprised if the Yankees or DBacks lost. Anyway, time to get on the the Official Brian’s Den 2017 MLB Awards, which are sure to perfectly reflect the actual awards whenever they finally get handed out. I’m dedicating this to the memory of Tom Petty, one of the five most influential American musicians ever, the greatest road trip artist of all time, and the perfect soundtrack to any baseball discussion.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
American League– Aaron Judge, New York Yankees
I think we can all agree on this one, no?
Apologies to: Andrew Benintendi
National League– Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers
Boy, this is easy!
Apologies to: Rhys Hoskins
MANAGER OF THE YEAR
American League– Terry Francona, Cleveland Indians
Listen, I’ve never been one to hide my biases, and Tito is my guy for life for his time with the Red Sox, but homerism doesn’t factor in, here. When you win 22 straight games with two of your three best position players out, coax a league-leading ERA out of a pitching staff that was hit with injuries all season long, and generally improved a team that was one inning away from winning the World Series last year, you get my vote. Actually, homerism probably does play a factor, because Paul Molitor of the Twins has a strong case, and is probably going to win the actual award because, when it comes to Coach of the Year awards in literally any sport, voters always take the easy way out and just give it to whoever lead a team that was supposed to be shitty to a good record (Molitor is actually a good manager, though, and does deserve to win).
Apologies to: Paul Molitor
National League– Torey Lovullo, Arizona Diamondbacks
All these great baseball minds to come through the Red Sox organization in the last few years, and we’re stuck with John Farrell? Why? I know I just kind of bashed the thought process that having an unexpected winning season is enough to win Coach of the Year, but Lovullo didn’t take a group of young guys who were going to be good anyway to the top or completely revamp the roster and bring in his guys. At the start of the season, the DBacks had pretty much the exact same team as last year, when they were terrible. Literally the only change they made was adding J.D. Martinez midseason, and, by then, they were already in position to make the playoffs, anyway. So clearly Lovullo was doing something right. They had better injury luck, sure, but he also managed the lineups, bullpen, and personalities of the team better than anyone in the National League. Baseball is a mental game more than anything, and he turned a team full of head cases and malcontents into a legitimate title contender.
Apologies to: Dave Roberts, Bud Black
CY YOUNG
American League– Corey Kluber, Cleveland Indians
Sigh. At the All Star break, I really thought I’d be sitting here talking about Chris Sale’s unbelievable dominance and how it was the greatest trade of all time, but, in good faith, I can’t give it to anyone but Kluber. Hot take, saying the guy who lead baseball in ERA and WHIP and was third in strikeouts should win Cy Young, I know. The narrative you’ll hear about this was that Sale faded down the stretch while Kluber surged, but that’s not necessarily accurate. His second half ERA (3.12) wasn’t that much higher than his first half ERA (2.75), and his WHIP and opponents’ slash lines were higher, but not that much higher. He actually struck people out at a higher rate in the second half than the first. It’s just that, while Sale was seemingly alternating between giving up five runs and zero, Kluber was giving up nothing every time out. He was excellent in the first half, and then became otherworldly in the second, posting an 11-1 record with a 1.79 ERA, 142 strikeouts, and 12 (!!!) walks over 110 innings. Those are decent numbers. It doesn’t factor in, but Kluber’s got a air of invincibility about him right now that no American League pitcher has.
Apologies to: Chris Sale
National League– Max Scherzer, Washington Nationals
It was reeeeeeeeeeeeallly tempting to say Kershaw, but I’m a big durability guy, and, because Dusty Baker would throw him out there for 8 innings if both his arms literally fell off his body, I’ll take the guy who still had unreal numbers and didn’t miss (much) time. He’s been a strikeout beast ever since he came into the league, and he just keeps improving on his ERA, ERA+, and WHIP every year. He allowed the fewest hits per 9 innings since Pedro Martinez in 2000, who wasn’t even really human. He slowed down juuuuuust a bit late, but that’ll happen when you’re a little banged up and forced to pitch anyway. The only problem he might run in to is that he has two teammates that could draw votes from him.
Apologies to: Clayton Kershaw, Gio Gonzalez, Steven Strasburg, Robbie Ray
MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
National League– Giancarlo Stanton, Miami Marlins
Switching up the league order here, and for good reason, as you’ll soon discover. This is the closest race out of all the awards, and at least five guys have legitimate claims. First off, I know I’ve established this before, but team success should have absolutely no impact on MVP voting. None. It’s icing on the cake, not the cake itself. One man can only effect 162 baseball games so much. There’s too many variables, too many things outside of anyone’s control, just too many weird things that happen during the course of a full season to say that a guy with 50+ homers or a league-leading on-base percentage and OPS actually wasn’t good because their teams stunk. With that out of the way, I’m all in on Giancarlo. His supernova hot-streak was the most fun couple weeks of the season, and his pursuit of 60 homers became the most interesting subplot in the National League. If you want to throw out team success, the Marlins briefly flirted with a possible wildcard spot, and it was solely because of Stanton. He had 33 home runs after the All Star break, and was pretty much unstoppable all season. He was a feel-good story for a franchise desperate for some good energy (even though he’s probably getting traded this offseason), and hits the most aesthetically-pleasing home runs this side of New York City. I would also listen to cases for Joey Votto, the most under-appreciated future Hall of Famer ever who just painted his masterpiece of plate control, or Nolan Arenado, the most complete blend of elite offense and defense in the league.
Apologies to: Joey Votto, Nolan Arenado, Paul Goldschmidt, Charley Blackmon, J.D. Martinez
Cross-League– J.D. Martinez, Detroit Tigers/Arizona Diamondbacks
I just wanted to create this award to recognize J.D. Martinez a bit. Do people realize what kind of season he had? He was third in MLB in home runs while playing in 119 games! He hit a home run every 9.6 at bats. Stanton? 10.1. Cody Bellinger, who finished 10th in the league in slugging percentage, is closer to Giancarlo Stanton, number 2, than Stanton is to Martinez’s unreal .690 slugging, the highest since someone named Barry Bonds was playing. He tied the record for most home runs ever hit in September. He has a real case to be National League MVP despite playing 62 games in Arizona. There’s never been a better case for Contract Year Magic, and because MLB doesn’t have any kind of First Team All MLB or anything, the only thing J.D. will get out of this absurd season is a big fat new contract.
American League– Jose Altuve, Houston Astros
As I said in the Cy Young section, I’m a big fan of durability, and, by proxy, consistency. That’s really the only thing separating Altuve from Aaron Judge. Normally, one valley in a long season full of peaks wouldn’t be enough to sway an MVP vote, but when the valley is as low as the one Judge went through right after the All Star break, it’s hard to ignore. There was about a month and a half where Judge was legitimately one of the worst players in baseball. He hit .185 in August, for crying out loud! Altuve was great all season. Sure he doesn’t have the flashy power numbers, but don’t let that distract you from his all-around game. Whatever batting average actually means these days, Altuve lead the league in it and hit .485 in July. .485! He added a .410 on base, .547 slugging, and 24 home runs, all pretty atypical for 5’6″ second basemen. He stole 32 bases, and is in general a better baserunner than Judge. Judge isn’t a bad fielder by any means, but there’s a reason you put the kid that picks daisies in right field. Altuve plays a premium defensive position and plays it well. He the most well rounder player in the American League, and has been all season. And, yes, the Astros won 100 games.
After a thrilling week 3 that featured countless crazy finishes and very unexpected results, we returned to normal with a predictable Packers blowout of the Bears in Lambeau, where I think the Bears are 0 for their last 1,000. Was that just typical Aaron Rodgers destruction or a sign of things to come for this week. Sure hope it’s the former, but now that the NFL has captured everyone’s imagination again, I’m thinking this week is gonna STINK. Either way, it’s my responsibility to give you the most reliable, accurate picks you can find anywhere on the Internet. I didn’t keep track of what my record was last week, because like any good quarterback or defensive back, I’ve got a short memory. All line from Bovada.
New Orleans Saints (-3) vs. Miami Dolphins
Just when you thought London’s NFL fever couldn’t burn any hotter, Jay Cutler comes riding into town to really whip everyone into a frenzy. Don’t tell me it’s impossible to grow the game internationally. All we have to do is show them as many bad QBs as possible, and all of a sudden Drew Brees shows up and looks like the second coming of George Best (a little footy reference for everyone. This game’s in England, where they prefer soccer to football, if you didn’t know). Brilliant strategy. This game actually might be kind of fun and high scoring, but that tantalizing potential alone ensures this will be a dud.
Pick: Saints -3
Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons (-8)
Can the Falcons threaten to blow a late lead against a team that can’t pass? We’ll soon find out. I really can’t wrap my mind around how everyone has the Falcons as their number one team. They could have lost every game they played because they can’t not gag in the fourth quarter. The demons are still there from last year. This team stinks and is gonna lose in the first round of the playoffs. You heard it here, first.
Pick: Bills +8
Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots (-9)
Much like last week, this line feels a little too high for my beloved Patriots. In a matchup of stoppable force and moveable offense, the Panthers are hoping the Pats’ swiss cheese defense can help jumpstart the worst offense in the history of football, but don’t get your hopes up. Panthers D is good enough to frustrate and harass Brady enough to keep this within 9.
Pick: Panthers +9
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)vs. Baltimore Ravens
I was tempted to put the Ravens name in blue, because then it’d be black and blue, and we all know how physical these games are, am I right? No love lost here, I’m told. If you’re looking for 2010 NFL thrills, you’ve come to the right place. I have no intention of watching any more of this game than what shows up on RedZone, because this thing is going to be a snoozefest. Stay away from this game if you like things like offense, completed passes, gains of more than three yards, aesthetically pleasing television, and saving record books, because everyone knows you have to throw them out when these two get together.
Pick: Ravens +3
Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys (-6.5)
I know they’ve won two games, but the Rams still stink, I don’t care what anyone says. Cowboys look like they’re about to be Back, anyway.
Pick: Cowboys -6.5
Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-2)
Until something changes, I fully expect every single Lions game to mirror last week’s game against the Falcons (and their last like 20 games)- the Lions will go down big early then come furiously storming back until the entire game comes down to one hectic, last second play that end controversially. With the Lions’ soft D, and the Vikings’ surprisingly strong offense (until the defense realizes Case Keenum is QB) and ferocious defense, it’s set up perfectly for a big first half lead that gets slowly eroded over the course of the second half.
Pick: Lions +2
Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns
I just want everyone to know that I got a paper cut earlier today and that my laptop charger doesn’t really work anymore, so next time someone tells you Millennials never go through adversity set them straight.
Pick: Ideally no one, but I suppose Bengals -3.5
Tennessee Titans (-3) at Houston Texans
Titans showed they could handle elite defenses on the road last week they they kind of took it to Seattle, and I think the Texans offensive outburst last week was more a product of the Pats’ inability to stop a nose bleed than any real prowess from Houston. If the Titans really want to keep the hype train rolling, they need to win this game, and they need to win it solidly.
Pick: Titans -3
Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5) at New York Jets
I know this is going to really dampen your expectations for this game, but I regret to report Matt Forte won’t play in this game. I know, I’m disappointed, too. Here I was, thinking I’d get the privilege to watch Matt Forte run into non-existent holes and get stuffed for no gain for three hours on Sunday, but now someone else is going to take his place. I think I understand the people who cry about NBA players resting, now.
Pick: Jags -3.5
Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers (-2)
The Chargers are like the Lions, expect they never actually succeed and something always goes wrong at the worst time. Until that changes, I’m not sure how you could bet on such cosmically bad luck in good faith.
Pick: Eagles +2
San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-7)
Maybe next week I’ll start with the late games, because I’m already running out of steam. Guess someone had to pick up the slack now that Rick Pitino’s gone. OOOOOOHHHHHHH! Anyway, this game is gonna stink. Don’t expect anyone’s interest to last longer than 15 seconds.
Pick: 49ers +7
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)
Who’s ready for another weather delay? I am!!! Gotta love the logic. “September/early October the weather in Florida is terrible, so rather than not schedule games in Florida, let’s just put them on late so every game happens during a hurricane. That’ll fix everything!” Actually brilliant by the NFL, because since this game will be delayed by an hour or so, it’ll fill the gap between the 4 o’clock games and the Sunday Night game. It’ll also inch the NFL closer to their goal of having the Giants on National TV every single week.
Pick: Bucs -3
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-3)
In theory, this should be a good, close game, but the Raiders just got completely housed by the Redskins. I’m pretty sure the Broncos are a better team, regardless of how limited Siemian is, and Denver is the most impossible place to play in the league. By the Cosmic Law of NFL stupidiy this is going to be a Raiders rout.
Pick: Raiders +3
Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (-13)
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Who the hell thought this was a good game? Even if Luck was playing, he always plays terribly against good teams. Someone put me in charge of NBC. Al Michaels would never have to look at games like this.
Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (-7)
People who dislike Native American team names, look away! People who like to root for bugs to beat windshields, also look away!
This is coming a day late so I’m sure everyone’s already forgotten about it, but I couldn’t address it yesterday and it was too important to ignore. Michael Beasley, who has been on a rampage the last few weeks, giving amazing, possibly cannabis-fueled comments left and right. This sit-down interview was merely the culmination of an artist at the top of his game. Hearing Beas try to wrap his mind around the “ten percent of the brain” theory and who discovered it put me firmly in his corner, because I realized I had a brother in arms. I had discovered a fellow deep thinker and asker of Burning Questions. While I’m just naturally curious and don’t have access to whatever kind of industrial-grade drugs Beasley has, we’re both burdened with the weight of a ponderous and philosophical mind, so, in an act of solidarity, I’ll try and break down Mike’s quandary as best I can.
I’m 100% with Mike, here. Who even discovered that we could only use 10% of our brains? (We’re going to ignore the irksome fact that this is all just a myth because that makes it no fun) Socrates essentially said the smartest people know that they know nothing, so clearly whoever decided we only use 10% was the smartest person ever. Or was it the dumbest, and they just had a good reputation and a big enough platform to convince everyone that their brains were on the same subpar level as his and no one questioned it after? And, if Beasley is to be believed and someone out there had access to 11% of their brain, how did they unlock it? Can I use 11% of my brain or do you have to be born with it? If humans only have the capability to use 10% of their brains, wouldn’t that mean someone using 10% of their brains is really using 100% of their available brainpower? What’s the point of the other 90% if I can’t actively use it? If everything doctors learn is, as he said, “man-written,” how do we know if anything is actually true? Are we just supposed to take some random guy’s word for it? What if the guy that wrote about the brain only had access to 9% of his own brain, and thus couldn’t fully understand the brain and all its intricacies? Is any medicine real or is it all placebos and dumb luck? How can we be sure anything is real if everything originated as here-say? Can I even be sure I exist?
Sorry, got a little off track there. That’s just the kind of thing that can happen when you get wrapped up in a Burning Question. I can fully understand where Mike is coming from here, and I support any future Beasley Burning Questions. #Istandwithbeas
I love this so goddamn much. This is exactly the kind of news I needed today, and, somehow, it’s gotten me even more pumped up for this coming NBA season than I already was. DWade to the Cavs, a match made in my own personal Heaven. Not because it makes Wade and LeBron happy, although an all Banana Boat Boyz team would be amazing. Combining those four guys when they’re all way past their primes and expecting it to work is perfect logic and I can’t wait to see it play out. But because it makes the Celtics a virtual lock to make the Finals.
DWade was horrible with the Bulls last year. I realize he wasn’t trying anymore, but still, he was horrible. H-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. The numbers look okay, but he was doing things like this
Yikes! This isn’t your dad’s Dwyane Wade the Cavs are getting. This is old, creaky knees, no lift, no effort DWade. What’s this Cavs rotation gonna be? Unfortunately, I don’t really know how much you can reasonably hope to get from Isaiah Thomas. That leaves Derrick Rose, Wade, Iman Shumpert, J.R. Smith, Kyle Korver, Jose Calderon, and Kay Felder as possible members of the backcourt. 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 Yuck. That’s terrible! They really think they can beat the Warriors trotting that sorry group out there? J.R. and Korver have the most value to their team at this point. Think about that. Even is Isaiah comes back in January like they’re hoping and he’s 100% healthy ready to get 25-30 a game again, they’re still going to play Rose and Wade significant minutes. In 2017 that’s like O’Brien Trophy repellant. LeBron’s gonna come out with a vengeance this year and is probably winning MVP. But this roster looks an awful lot like 2015 where he was doing absolutely everything himself and ran out of steam. It looks worse that 2015, honestly. I love Isaiah, but I don’t think Isaiah at his best could cover up some of the small gaps in LeBron’s greatness like Kyrie could. But Isaiah’s going to be at, like, 75% at best and totally absent at worst. By the time the playoffs get here and the Celtics have figured everything out, I legitimately can only see them losing to the Cavs if Kevin Love and Tristan Thompson go absolutely insane on the glass. You’re going to ask Isaiah or DRose or DWade to guard Kyrie? Or are you going to put “defensive stopper” Iman Shumpert on him and then deal with the fatal consequences of having Iman Shumpert on the court on offense? Horford will bring Thompson away from the rim and hit cutters all day long from the elbow. You’ll have to chose between playing Jae Crowder out of position as a guard or take Love or Thompson out if you don’t want LeBron stuck guarding Hayward. It’d be nice if the Celtics had a shooting guard that perfectly complimented someone like Kyrie and also played lock-down D, but where would they find someone like that? Everyone on the Cavs bench is either old, slow, or bad, so if Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum can become anything offensively they could tear them up. I don’t care how badly it’ll come back to bite me, but unless the league bends over backwards for LeBron and he gets like Devin Booker or something in exchange for James Jones the Celtics are just flat-out better than the Cavs. And Wade makes them even worse. This is like Christmas morning yet again. R.I.P. Cavs, R.I.P. LeBron, R.I.P. The Land. Celtics 2017-18 NBA Champs.
At some point during last night’s unexpectedly exciting Rams-49ers game, I realized that I was failing all of you. During last year’s NFL playoffs, right after I started this site, I’m sure many of you became reliant on my picks to boost your income a little bit. But through the first two weeks of the NFL season, my picks were nowhere to be found. Any coincidence it was arguably the worst two weeks of football since the merger? Not likely. I’ll raise my hand and take the blame for that, but much like the effectiveness of Color Rush, my NFL picks are officially Back. These game breakdowns will be a lot shorter than the playoff ones because I don’t hate myself enough to write 1,000 words about 15 week 3 games, but the fact remains that these are all stone cold locks and, if you were smart, you’d take these and bet the house on all of them. Lines taken from Bovada.
(Side rant coming out of last night’s broadcast that I’m not sure really belongs here, but whatever: after he made the game-clinching sack, Cris Collinsworth said that Aaron Donald was already a Hall of Famer. I saw a couple people grumbling about it on twitter.com, but didn’t do much research to find out if there were a lot of people who A. noticed it and B. had an issue with it, because I’m fine with just using a straw man. Do people really think Aaron Donald isn’t a Hall of Famer? Have these people watched him play? Have these people watched other defensive linemen play? I know there’s a valid narrative that there is a huge dearth of offensive line talent, but, in my mind, that’s partly because we’re currently in a golden era of defensive linemen. Literally the two greatest defensive linemen to ever play the game are in the league right now, and Donald is one of them. Maybe I just have a different standard, but I value someone’s prime years over stats accumulated over a million seasons, and I’m not sure Donald has even hit his prime yet. If you don’t think Aaron Donald is in already, how do you feel about Joe Namath, Harry Carson, Terry Bradshaw, and a million other players who are currently in the Hall of Fame who were all worse than Aaron Donald is at age 26? He’s a slam dunk Hall of Famer.)
Baltimore Ravens (-4) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Seems like the Jags have played a thousand games in London, but this is only their fifth game, and, don’t look now, they’re riding a two game London winning streak. That’s like the Patriots winning 25 straight games. So you know they’re red hot, but they may run into trouble if eliteness travels across the pond.
Pick: Ravens -4
New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)
Wait, an NFC East divisional game isn’t on national TV? What the hell is that about? Who can I complain to? Anyway, while the thought of this Eagles’ d-line going against the Giants’ woeful offensive line is enough to get my d-line loving blood flowing, but are the Giants really going to go 0-3? And are the Eagles really going to win an important game by 7 points? I don’t really think so, either.
Pick: Giants +6
Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-14)
While my default is always to bet the Pats, this line is too high. The Pats have a billion injuries on offense going against one of the best defenses in the NFL. This is going to be boring, so if you’re not a diehard Pats fan like me, I would probably say don’t watch this no matter what. (If you couldn’t figure it out, J.J. Watt is the other one of the greatest d-linemen ever, btw)
Pick: Texans +14
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5) at Chicago Bears
Steelers are trash on the road. The Bears are wearing their awesome throwbacks. I have no data to back this up, but the Bears have never failed to cover while wearing those.
Pick: Bears +7.5
New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6)
Remember what happened when the Patriots played the Saints last week? Yeah.
Pick: Panthers -6
Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Detroit Lions
I know the Lions are somehow impossible to kill, but they kinda suck. Falcons are officially on a “this 40 point lead will drag us out of the pit of despair the Patriots sentenced us to until we blow it in the fourth quarter” tour, which would seem like they’re perfect prey for the “be terrible until the fourth quarter” Lions, but the Lions defense is too bad. The Lions will come back, but not far enough.
Pick: Falcons -3
Cleveland Browns (-1.5) at Indianapolis Colts
Just a little word of advice: stay as far away from this game as humanly possible. If any game could ever finish as a 0-0 tie, it’d be this one.
Pick: Browns -1.5
Tampa Bay Bucs at Minnesota Vikings
Well, this is awkward. There’s no line for this game! I’m assuming it’s because no one knows if Sam Bradford is still alive or not. I’m gonna improvise here and say the line would be Bucs -2.5 just so I can give something. This game is either going to be terrible or great, really depending on Sam Bradford’s health (never a good thing).
Pick: Bucs -whatever
Miami Dolphins (-6) at New York Jets
AFC East bitches!!!! Why don’t our games get put on national TV all the time? Oh, right, because every team is terrible. Seeing the Niners come close to winning a game might breathe new life into the Jets’ tanking efforts, so they’ll probably lose by a lot.
Pick: Dolphins -6
Denver Broncos (-3.5) at Buffalo Bills
You know what this has made me realize? There’s too many blue teams. There needs to be more green, more purple. Someone needs to have the guts to go pink. Too much blue.
Pick: Broncos -3.5
Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3)
For the last few years, I’ve had my finger on the pulse of the Seahawks. I’ve gotten their games right more than pretty much any other team in the league. This is one of the easiest ones I’ve ever seen. Any time they look terrible and get people talking about how bad they are, they start stomping on people again.
Pick: Seahawks +3
Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9)
Can the Bengals really be this bad? Yes, yes they can.
Pick: Packers -9
Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5) at Los Angeles Chargers
The amount of different ways the Chargers have found to go down multiple scores in the first half only to come storming back with five minutes left and lose by three is truly astounding.
Pick: Chargers +3.5
Oakland Raiders (-3.5) at Washington Redskins
I don’t know why (maybe because the Raiders have been really good and the Redskins haven’t), but I’m really feeling a Raiders blowout here. Just a gut feeling.
Pick: Raiders -3.5
Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at Arizona Cardinals
Yuck. I have no interest watching this game whatsoever. Cardinals stink. Cowboys are (surprise) overrated as hell. I’ll watch it, because, as Thursday Night Football tells us, when it’s on, it’s on, but I’ll be unhappy about it.
Pick: Cowboys -3.5
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It got kind of brushed over yesterday because of Chris Sale becoming the first American League pitcher to get 300 strikeouts in a season since the G.O.A.T. Pedro Martinez in 1999, but the Red Sox officially clinched a playoff berth last night. They haven’t wrapped up the division yet, but you’d like to think they could hold on to a three game lead with twelve games left (yeah, yeah, I remember chicken and beer). I’ll forgive you for not being overly excited about the Sawx going to the playoffs for the second straight year. I’m excited enough for everyone. After all, I know how the MLB Playoffs work, and the Red Sox are in prime position to win it all this year.
If you’re done rolling your eyes, allow me to explain. In an almost unthinkable twist considering the fervor surrounding the magnificent Chris Sale trade, there’s almost no pressure on the Red Sox at all coming in. They’ve gone seriously under the radar this season, and honestly, I don’t really blame people for not caring about them, especially compared to the splashier teams in the American League. Who wants to talk about the boring, no offense Red Sox when the Yankees are Officially Back and slugging homers left and right? Or when the Astros got off to a blistering start that captured everyone’s imagination? Or, most of all, when last year’s American League champion Indians pulled down their pants and took a giant dump directly on the rest of the league, winning an ungodly 22 straight games? The Red Sox are an afterthought. Heck, if the Angels can get the second wild card spot and put Mike Trout in the playoffs, Boston might suddenly become the least interesting playoff team in the entire league. Which is great news.
I’ll get into the playoffs on a larger scale later, but the MLB playoffs are crazy. Entire seasons can swing on one pitch, one hit, one error, one hot or cold streak, literally anything can happen. And what usually happens? A random ass team wins. We had the prohibitive season-long favorite win last year. That hasn’t happened twice in a row since Jeter’s heyday. I’m betting this season’s champion will be an unexpected one. In the American League, the only real candidates for that are the Red Sox and the second wild card team, and, let’s be honest, whoever “wins” the second spot is just going to get smashed by the Yankees. Being under the radar is almost always a positive in sports, and the lifting of the massive expectations placed on them before the season should free up the players to finally perform to their full potential.
Obviously this isn’t set in stone. Even by MLB’s standards, where everyone can have a poorly-timed 2 for 20 stretch and there are no guarantees, the Red Sox are particularly iffy. They greatly underperformed most of the year, especially on offense. Hanley Ramirez regressed badly, Jackie Bradley, Jr. mostly stalled out at the plate, Mitch Moreland couldn’t meet the unfair expectations put on him, and, even though he’s having his best month of the season and finally resembles the superstar from last year, Mookie Betts didn’t even really come close to matching last year, where he would have been good enough to win MVP in a Mike Trout-free world. Now that David Price is in the bullpen (which I like, btw) and Doug Fister turned back into a pumpkin, I’m not sure there’s a starter besides Chris Sale that I feel all that great about being on the mound with the season on the line. John Farrell might be the most clueless manager in the league. But they still have one of the most talented rosters in the bigs. It seems like everyone has a great bullpen these days, but I’d put the Sox’s against anybody (provided Farrell learns how to use it). Outside of Rafael Devers, they play great defense. During the brief portion of the season when they were hot, they looked like world beaters. And guess what? Their final three series of the season are against the Reds, who are terrible, the Blue Jays, who are terrible, and the Astros, who have been sleepwalking since the middle of June (and who the Red Sox have owned since the Astros became good in 2015). I mostly think people use the idea of momentum as a way to say a team is playing well at the time, but the Red Sox could easily build some “momentum” before the playoffs by winning a lot of these last few games. Momentum itself may be largely a myth, but a player performing better when he’s feeling confident isn’t. The Sox are in perfect position to go into the playoffs supremely confident and finally actually hitting the ball. That’s half the battle. But, knowing the Red Sox, they’ll go 4-8 and lose the Wild Card game.
Reader Email: Hey, Brian, huge fan! You’re so funny, smart, talented, and handsome to boot! Talk about the total package! Love the site, and people forget that you’re doing all of this by yourself, with no help from the front office or the other bum players on the roster! Anyway, I know you’re a KD guy, so I’m proud of you for not blindly taking his side in this latest controversy. I love how you can remain impartial even when players you’ve forced yourself to like mostly just to go against public opinion are caught in embarrassing webs of Twitter and Instagram fake accounts made to defend themselves. So admirable and professional. It’s really a wonder why you’re not rich and world famous by now! I’ll write a letter to the Pulitzer committee to try and get you some much deserved recognition! Keep up the amazing work!
Yours forever and always,
bryansden68
Thanks for the kind words bryansden68. It’s nice knowing I have such devoted and passionate fans! And I gotta hand it to him, he’s right- I am smart. I’ve also remained clear-headed despite one of my guys, Kevin Durant, getting embroiled in a terribly embarrassing social media fiasco. In case you live under a rock, Kevin Durant responded to a tweet asking him why left, but he was speaking in the third person, as if he was talking about someone else entirely.
KD has secret accounts that he uses to defend himself and forgot to switch to them when he was replying to this guy I’m actually speechless pic.twitter.com/9245gnpa3c
That launched a full-scale internet investigation, and, soon enough, multiple possible Kevin Durant burner accounts were uncovered on multiple different social media sites, all of which did essentially the same thing: bashed the haters and losers (and former teammates) who were calling him out. It was the most Kevin Durant story of all time (followed by his short-lived run as popular superhero The Servant) and comedy of the highest order. Most people with an opinion on KD, which, last time I checked, is pretty much everyone, had a strong reaction to this. It’s either “wow look how soft he is looks like I was right all along can’t believe someone would willingly leave Oklahoma City and Russell Westbrook for the team that leads the league in assists every year and always wins what a bum,” or “I used to like him now I don’t,” or “well he’s just a human being guys! Leave Kevin alone!!!” To my great credit, I haven’t let this change my opinion of him whatsoever. This is exactly who Kevin Durant is. He’s the lamest, pettiest, most sensitive player in the NBA. So sue me, but crippling insecurity and the insatiable desire to crush h8trz are things I strongly relate to. KD is the same person today as he was yesterday. Thinking about it, he’s even more KD now than he ever was. I’d feel cheated if he didn’t have a bunch of burner accounts he uses to defend himself against random guys online. I need him to make even more now. I want half the accounts on Twitter to just be Kevin Durant shadow accounts. I want them to debate between themselves whether everything was Scott Brooks’ or Westbrook’s fault for the rest of time. In NBA 2K19 there needs to be a subplot where you can set up different burner accounts to defend yourself against virtual trolls. Need more KD social media.
This is why the NBA is the best, though. This is one of the funniest sports stories I can remember and it happened on a random Monday a full month before the start of the regular season. And it happened on the same day as my new favorite player Kyrie Irving’s iconic First Takeappearance. The is now easily the most interesting pro sports league in America and it’s not even really close. Every day there’s a crazy new story, a new talking point, a new feud between random guys. It’s amazing what happens when you allow your players to have personality and encourage them to engage with the fans and each other. I’m not sure if the Golden Age of NBA Twitter would have happened regardless or if the current group of NBA players ushered it in by their own actions, but I’m grateful for it either way. Can’t wait for the season.
On Wednesday night I went to the Red Sox-A’s game in Fenway. There was a rain delay and the Sox got killed by a terrible team with nothing to play for despite desperately needing wins to build any kind of momentum whatsoever. It was a great time. Silver lining, though, I got this sweet Xander Bogaerts gnome.
Don’t worry, I haven’t taken it out of the packaging. I’m no fool. That would kill the resale value, and everyone knows how valuable these things can be in the long run. This beauty is about to take up a prominent place on my mantle, showing that I love the Red Sox but I also have a lot of class. All was well in my world until I realized something troubling: this was actually the second time this season I’ve been to a Promotion Game. When I took my famous trip to Denver, the Rockies game I went to was giving out Rockies Wiffle Ball Bats. I had to leave it behind because it wouldn’t fit in my luggage, but the question remains: now that I’ve been to multiple ballpark giveaways in one season, do I have to become a Baseball Promotional Giveaway Guy?
Here’s the thing- if you have more than one gnome/bobbleheads/pennants/whatever you got from a special giveaway at a baseball stadium, you can’t have less than five. And if you have more than five, you can’t have less than ten. You can’t dip your toes into the water of the promotion pool. You’re either in or you’re out. Right now I’m in no man’s land. Luckily, I don’t physically have the second item anymore, so I can avoid commitment for a while. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go all the way. It’s a lot of work becoming a promotions guy. You’ve got to keep tabs on the ever-changing promotion schedule of not only your favorite MLB team, but also any local minor league clubs. A true promotion guy doesn’t limit himself to only one team’s promotions, and lives to fill his home with minor league knick-knacks. Sure, eligible members of the opposite sex your friends will compliment your tasteful and understated design choices, but chasing promotions can add up. There’s ticket expenses, travel expenses, lord knows how much money you’ll spend on concessions. That’s a lot to put in just to get a handful of small ceramic statuettes that somewhat resemble popular athletes in funny outfits or in signature poses. Plus the crippling loneliness that comes with all that traveling and attending games at random times during weekdays. I’m too young for that fate. I’m not ready to give up on my hopes and dreams just yet. I am officially renouncing my right to collect stadium giveaways. Until I’m still single at 35, I will never willingly go to a baseball game that has any kind of promotion planned. No more clever but cheaply made t-shirts. No more hats with beards attached anytime a team has a player with facial hair. No more magnetic team schedules. No more bobbleheads of the backup catcher. No more playoff games, either, since they’re always handing out shirts and towels and such. It’s a sad life, sure, but not as sad as the alternative. I’m doing this for all of you, really. The longer I fight off a stadium giveaway obsession, the longer I can give out the flaming hot takes you’ve all come to expect.
This only applies to baseball games, so you better believe I’ll be first in line anytime the Celtics give something away.
Brian's Den 
