Category: Super Bowl

Power Ranking the Patriots’ Super Bowl Losses

I write this from beyond the grave. I found a willing host, and he’s transcribing my thoughts via Ouija board. Hopefully he gets it right. Unfortunately, the overwhelming negativity being thrown at Drake Maye and the doubts about his future killed me dead. My heart couldn’t handle it. The haters, as always, were successful in the end.

As I was preparing for Super Bowl LX by grinding tape, doing my job, figuring out the best combination of clothing, couch positioning, menu, pregame viewing, anything I could do to help the team, I paused and visualized what the game would bring. Deep down in my heart, the clearest voice told me, “the Pats are going to make history today.” And, of course, I was right. The Patriots became the first NFL team to lose six Super Bowls. That’s an easy thing to make fun of, but I would remind you that it would be just as easy for me to turn around and tell you that your pathetic team doesn’t know what to do with itself after it blindly stumbles into a ten-win season once every fifteen years. But I wouldn’t do that, don’t worry. One of my duties as a spirit is to protect the living (I’m a good ghost. Bill Polian will be a bad ghost. I have access to that information, now), and to help my fellow Patriot fans, I’m going to take the power away from the haters. You can’t power rank all the Pats’ Super Bowl losses, because I already did.

Being a spirit gives me perfect hindsight, and I was able to use that to create a rating scale utilizing the ultimate scientific methodology: a collection of subjective metrics on a scale of 0-10. I have painstakingly analyzed each of the six heartbreaking games and measured them on the following three axes:

  • Expectation- Simple, did people think the Pats were going to win the game, and if so, by how much? A 0 would be a Vermont high school All-Star Team scrimmaging against a Florida high school All-Star Team, and a 10, well, we’ll get to that.
  • Loss Intensity- How painful was the loss itself? Not to crib a B.S. bit, but was the way the game played out particularly emotionally stressful? Pretty hard to get a 0 for a Super Bowl loss, but the 10s are obvious. Malcolm Butler. 28-3. Any Bills playoff game.
  • Insidiousness- Do you still think about the loss 20 years later? Did it alter your team’s trajectory in a catastrophic way? Did it completely reframe the way the season or team in general is perceived? A 0 is the Chiefs’ loss to Tampa, a 10 is 28-3 again.

I hope you all appreciate the mental strain I put myself through for this. Even spirits get sad watching Wes Welker drop passes. On to the ranking.

Tie-5. Super Bowl XX (1985)

Expectation: 0– One of the major regrets I have for my erstwhile life is that I didn’t ask my Dad more about the Before Times. I lost track of how often he told me how lucky I was and how bad the Pats used to be, and I usually just laughed it off. I should have realized one day I would have to write this and need context! I was not alive for this massacre, but I know enough to say that no one seriously considered the 1985 Patriots had a chance in the Super Bowl. They were a Cinderella team on a crazy run, and people were actually upset they beat the Dolphins and robbed everyone of Dolphins-Bears. Even back then, people couldn’t handle us winning! I personally would blame Dan Marino for putting up 14 points at home against an inferior opponent, but even in life, I had the rare gift of objectivity in the same place most people’s cry-about-the-Patriots cortex is in their brain. Anyway, even in the moment, people knew the 85 Bears were a legendary team. Pats had no shot.

Loss Intensity: 5– I always say I’d rather get blown out then lose at the last second. Just kill my hope early and give me plenty of time to figure out how to spin the loss into a positive somehow. But, like, I don’t want to get beat this bad. Final score was 46-10 and they pulled starters. The Pythagorean Expected Score of this game was 210-0. Look it up. The kind of loss that makes you just wish you had lost in the AFC Championship Game, because somehow that feels better than making the Super Bowl and getting demolished.

Insidiousness: 0– Time has blessed the team with anonymity. Be honest, did you even know the Patriots were the AFC’s sacrifice to the altar of the 85 Bears? I bet a good portion of you didn’t. But, since this was 40 years ago, it has the benefit of having all the good things come after to wash it away. Without it, would Pats fans be clinging to game like the poor Chargers fans still wearing their Stan Humphries jerseys? Who could say? Luckily, the Pats would go on to win six Super Bowls. Which is tied for most in the NFL with the Steelers, who have only won two since the word ‘concussion’ was invented. Anyway, this loss did kind of kill this version of the team. The GOAT John Hannah retired after the game. They made the playoffs in 86 but then not again for eight seasons when the Tuna saved them. Big positive is that mega-chode Craig James was out of the league shortly.

TOTAL: 5

Tie-5. Super Bowl XXXI (1996)

Expectation: 2- I was alive for this, but have no memory of it happening whatsoever. Honestly, I don’t even have memories of football being on our TV before I got into it, even though it most certainly was. 96 Pats get 2 Expectation points purely because of Bill Parcells (though, ironically, ol’ Tuna couldn’t help himself and announced he was leaving the Patriots a week before the game started because he was feuding with Bob Kraft). The Patriots were 14 point underdogs in this game. That’s not a typo. For context, the 85 Pats were only 10 point underdogs. 14 points in the Super Bowl is ridiculous (not the highest ever, though. Poor Chargers). In today’s FanDuel era, I don’t even know what would have to happen for a team to be a 14 point favorite in the Super Bowl. Maybe if the Broncos beat the Pats and it was Stidham vs. the crazy Seattle defense. Even then, I don’t think it would get that high. The 96 Packers are kind of a forgotten team, they were first in offense and defense and totally stacked all over the field.

Loss Intensity: 3- This is kind of the platonic ideal for an underdog Super Bowl loss? You can talk yourself into two or three things going differently, but the Packers were clearly better, and the Pats didn’t embarrass themselves, even had a quick two or three minute stretch where it looked like they were really in it before Desmond Howard’s kickoff return. Side note, but I kind of think Favre got screwed over not getting Super Bowl MVP. How many QBs can have 3 total TDs in a comfortable win and not get it? He’d even jump to the top of the “Worst Person to Win Super Bowl MVP” rankings. People forget Ray Lewis killed two people (allegedly).

Insidiousness: 0- Parcells left for the Jets, but a ton of guys were on both this team and 01, so it’s not like it was that devastating to the franchise. Bledsoe was kind of never the same (it’s hilarious to look at QB stats even from this era. People were just chucking the ball wherever and didn’t care who caught it). This loss 100% got cured by 01-04, even if we had to suffer through three middling Pete Carroll years. No Super Bowl loss is harmless, but this comes fairly close. I’d even argue that them winning this game would have done more harm, since Parcells leaving and Beldsoe not being an entrenched Super Bowl winning QB opened the door for what was to come.

TOTAL: 5

4. Super Bowl LX (2025)

Expectation: 5- Speaking only for myself, I thought things would go better. I won’t lie. I thought it’d be a tight game, evenly matched, and even if Seattle won, the Pats wouldn’t get blown out. Well… The final score is probably a little charitable. Seattle just didn’t seem like an all-time team, even though they were the best team in the league all season. Maybe that’s just my optimism speaking. It’s important to remember that the Pats were considerable underdogs in this game. The people around me seem to have forgotten. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard on the train this week say, “at least the Patriots lost,” or the unironic social media posts and comments thanking Seattle for beating them. You people aren’t allowed to say you root for underdogs ever again. The Patriots lost 13 games two years in a row, and now they come back from the dead with a young team and a 23-year-old QB and you root against them because the jersey they wear was good 10 years ago? Do you know how petty and small that is? Pathetic! Ignore all comments I’ve made about current Yankee players.

Loss Intensity: 6- A blowout in run-of-the-mill-two-score-game’s clothing. It was obvious early that it was gonna be a long night, but at least they had the nice five minute stretch of “uh-oh, 2016 anyone?” before Maye threw a backbreaking pick. Ranks this highly because it proved all the doubters right. Drake Maye had a miserable playoffs, and if he played well and the team was in it, all the schedule stuff (don’t worry, if the Browns do well next year with the easiest schedule, you won’t have to hear about it every week. It’s reserved for when the Patriots come out of the dumpster) would go away and we could throw out the bad playoff games. That didn’t happen. Sucks.

Insidiousness: 5-Being a spirit gave me hindsight, not foresight, so I’m just putting it at 5. The odds of it being a 0 are astronomically low- I’m not lucky enough to see my team win 12 Super Bowls. I don’t think it could be a 10 because they were underdogs and never really in it, so the team would have to completely implode, which I don’t think it will. Still too raw, but I’m mostly just bummed out for Drake Maye. He’ll bounce back. Now, if Ann Michael invites me on for the next episode of Beyond Bakemas, I’ll be positive Vrabel will get his coaching ring soon.

TOTAL: 16

3. Super Bowl XLVI (2011)

Expectation: 9- There’s a pretty clear divide between the bottom three and top three. I’ve mostly blocked this game from my memory, but looking back it’s just frustrating. 07 almost plays negatively into the expectation, since there was no way the Giants would do it again, right? The 2011 Pats were sick; the offensive stats are wild. Young Gronk and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Welker still slashing every defense to ribbons. Giants were 9-7! With a terrible defense! They somehow won their awful division and then went crazy in the playoffs. How did the Pats lose again???

Loss Intensity: 7- In a vacuum, it’s not the worst way to lose a Super Bowl ever. Tight the whole time, just lost at the end. Add in the Giants repeat and it gets doubled. It was literally the same game, just Welker dropping the key pass instead of Asante Samuel. No time to throw, Giants make enough plays to win on offense. At least the Manningham catch was all skill, not like some other plays. Giants weren’t lucky to win either game. Also important to remember that they were now eight seasons removed from their last Super Bowl win. This could have been life now, the reverse John Elway. Shoutout Gronk for almost catching the Hail Mary.

Insidiousness: 6- Again, the fact that it was the Giants again carries a lot of weight. It gets worse when you look at the Pro Football Reference page because the stats that year were so insane. Every now and then, I’ll think of Chase Blackburn of all people making a diving interception and break out in a cold sweat. I can still hear Gisele saying, “My husband cannot throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.” I was in college, and my friends were a pretty even split of Giants and Pats. Had to take my ration of abuse, but it makes you stronger. They probably don’t go on the second run without it.

TOTAL: 22

2. Super Bowl LII (2017)

Expectation: 10- The only two words needed are Nick Foles. Another Pats team with a sick offense and good defense facing a backup QB. I wasn’t entertaining the idea that they could lose.

Loss Intensity: 9- Brady had 500 yards and spent the entire game on a different plane of existence, but one strip sack and one drop on a stupid trick play is all it takes. The defense was just out to lunch. Blame Bill for the somehow still-not-100%-explained Malcolm Butler benching, but he’s one guy. The whole unit let Nick Foles light them on fire. One single stop and it’d be seen as the greatest Super Bowl performance ever by a QB. I was so stunned by this game I just sat there and watched the This is Us episode they ran after. The family’s house burned down.

Insidiousness: 8- I confess to still angrily thinking about this game, but I force myself to remember this is sandwiched between 28-3 and the 2018 title. That keeps it from being a 10. The only Brady loss that really was, like, two plays away from flipping. This game is why Jason Kelce is on your TV screen right this second. And this second. And this second. And this second, too. Without their championship parade, we’d never know how zany and relatable he is. That almost hurts more than the game. At least the offensive stars went nuts. There’s no solace for the Jason Kelce invasion.

TOTAL: 27

1. Super Bowl XLII (2007)

Expectation: 10- Did you really expect anything different? They were undefeated playing this random Giants team.

Loss Intensity: 9- As much as I wanted to give it a perfect score, the actual game can’t match 28-3. They just got beat. Helmet Catch still gives me an allergic reaction, even in death. Moss almost catching the Hail Mary. Lowest point total of the season. Belichick wearing a red hoodie for the first time ever. The perfect storm of weird things going wrong that hadn’t gone wrong all year. And they still had the game and blew it late.

Insidiousness: 10- Obvious 10. The most disappointing loss in pro sports history. 18-1 will live forever. As long as football exists, highlights of this game will be shown. Gave up immortality. Real ones know that they had been fading under the weight of the undefeated season and Spygate and that if they had just lost to the Ravens, they probably cruise to the title. Of course you’d trade undefeated regular season for Lombardi, but still. Just hurts. I was the perfect age to be permanently scarred by a sports loss. Young enough to still care way too much, old enough to follow all the outside noise and know how other fans thought. Made the mistake of going over to my friend’s house instead of staying to watch with my Dad. I don’t even remember going home. Still the worst night of my life. Okay, I’m finished. You can turn off the Ouija board, now.

TOTAL: 29

Super Bowl LIV Preview

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Greetings from Miami. I’ve been down here for about a week now, just living the South Beach lifestyle. Don’t think I’ve worn anything besides an all-white suit with an electric pink shirt since I landed, and no one’s called me out on it because we’re all wearing the same white Lacoste loafers with no socks. All I do all day is wait for a table at Prime 112 and go to LIV and tear the dancefloor to shreds. Maybe think about going to the beach, but instead I’ll just stare into the window at Joe’s Stone Crab hoping to see Andy Reid crushing some crab claws, then try to join him at his table so we can talk Hawaiian shirts only to be told multiple times by the maître d’ that it’s just a normal big guy with a mustache and that I have to leave. But that’s just Miami life, though. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. I’m addicted to LIV. Apparently the NFL is, too, because they’re playing the Super Bowl there. What’s that? It’s not at LIV, it’s just Super Bowl LIV? Oh, okay. That’s dumb. Pretty huge missed opportunity, if you ask me.

I’ve barely even noticed the NFL has been here, to be honest. This is the most nothing build-up to a Super Bowl in history. No storylines. No drama. Terrible, terrible, terrible circumstances putting the game itself on the backburner of everyone’s mind. Maybe I’m just not watching enough coverage, but the only talking point I’m actually getting sick of is that there’s nothing to talk about (don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it). This is exactly why all of you are gonna miss the Pats when it’s 100% over (sorry, I tried). The leadup is never boring when the Pats are involved because everyone goes over the top to try and vilify them in increasingly preposterous ways. These two teams show up and everyone spends two weeks going, “man, Mahomes and Kittle are really good. Could go either way. Yeah. Hey, did you know Mike Shanahan is Kyle Shanahan’s father?” It’s a complete snoozefest. Credit to Frank Clark for trying to singlehandedly bring some spice to the proceedings, but wearing a sweatshirt with Kanye and Trump on it and then tweeting out that people are trying to draw attention away from the game, while hilariously asinine, can only go so far. If the Chiefs win, people will try and tell me Travis Kelce is better than Gronk, the man Kelce has put every fiber of his being into emulating, but Gronk would rather be dead than be as boring as Kelce was during media day. It’s been so terrible that it’s convinced me this game is going to be awesome. Because if it’s a stinker, historians will come to the consensus that this game never even happened when they look back on the entirety of the NFL in 15 100 years. We’re in for some fireworks, folks. Literally. There will be a lot of pyrotechnics in the pregame and halftime shows. The game will be good, too. So get locked in and find a place to watch the game where no one is just there for the commercials.

San Francisco 49ers vs Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5)

Normally, when I say looking at stats for a game is pointless and you just have to follow your gut, I’m just being lazy. But here, I mean it. This is a tale as old as time. I’m pretty sure the first football game ever somehow featured the best, most explosive offense in the league lead by a transcendent QB going against the best all-around team with a solid defense. And every time but once, literally one time in the history of the world, the defense won. And more often than not, they completely smash the opposition, either on the scoreboard (Seahawks-Broncos, shoutout Malcolm Smith) or mentally (Pats-Falcons, in which the Falcons held a 28-3 lead late in the third quarter and proceeded to lose. Shoutout Kyle Shanahan). Now, the Niners defense isn’t quite at the level of some of the all-time greats, but it’s still arguably the best in the league and they just completely shut down Aaron Rodgers, who some of you want to tell me is the GOAT. So, in my mind, they qualify for this distinction. In this eternal matchup, they represent the long line of teams that are actually good at everything. By right, they should win. But no one in history, not even the 2007 Patriots, had Patrick Mahomes (the second you finish reading this sentence, the entire blog will be deleted from your memory forever). And he’s just so hard to pick against, man. Every second is a war when you’re facing him. You could play a perfect 58 minutes giving up nothing and he’ll still find a way to score 35. This offense is stupid and impossible to stop. There’s going to be a point in the game where the Chiefs rattle off 14-21 unanswered points and the entire 2019 NFL season will be put on Jimmy G’s chiseled shoulders. I love Jimmy G and wish it had all unfolded differently (not in a don’t trade him sense, in a let’s live in magic Christmas land where no one gets paid money or wants to play sense), but I’m just not sure he’s got the ten straight key passes the Niners will need. I’m rooting for San Fran. I want the Niners to win and for George Kittle to be rightly recognized as the Scion of Gronk. And I know I’m just falling into the same trap everyone always falls into and then wonders why they thought this is the time the offense won. But Kansas City wins, finally getting Andy Reid his place at the table.

Pick: Chiefs -1.5

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Bonus Super Bowl Prop Bets

  • Demi Lovato National Anthem: Over 1:55 -220
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • Will opening Kickoff Be a Touchback: No +130
  • How Many Times Will A-Rod Be Shown During the Halftime Show: Under .5 -145
  • What Color Liquid Will Be Poured on Winning Coach: Lime/Green/Yellow +450
  • Andre Dummond Rebounds -105 over Raheem Mostert Rushing Attempts
  • Super Bowl MVP: Patrick Mahomes +115
  • Who Will Super Bowl MVP Mention First: City +550
  • Tied Again After 0-0: Yes -200
  • Will There be a Flea Flicker Attempted: Yes +165

Patriots Win Super Bowl 53

@nfloncbs

What a game. What an all-time classic, unforgettable game. My beloved Patriots, champions of the National Football League once again.

Listen, this one’s a little subdued. When you see six of these, one of them’s gotta bring up the rear, and friends, this was it. The haters will say this game sucked, but we all know that true football dynasties are built on gross beautiful 10-3 defensive struggles. Brady showed up for a drive. Edelman unreal all game. Gronk (maybe) going out on top. Absolutely unreal game from the D. Stephon Gilmore needs to be inducted into the Hall of Fame today. Dont’a Hightower is the best defensive player in Super Bowl history. R.I.P. Brian Flores era. It will be missed.

Whatever, I don’t care. Third title in the last five years, sixth in the last seventeen. What a team, what a run. Appreciate it, folks. We’ll never see it again. How did I ever get so lucky to see this whole thing? I’ll never know. What a life I lead. A champion straight out of the womb.

This Is Arguably the Most Important Week in Human History

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Folks, every so often the planets align and a series of events so monumental, so important to the future of mankind all occur in the span of one seven day stretch. This is one such time. Years from now, historians will look back on January 28th, 2019 through February 3rd, 2019 as the new cutoff point for calendars. This is the new year one. Get used to it.

For starters, tonight is media night for the Super Bowl. Crazy hijinks, wacky questions, Rams players talking about how much they hate the Patriots and that they totally, 100% AREN’T intimidated by them whatsoever. It’s always a great time. This will set the stage for one of the great triumphs in Western History.

Kingdom Hearts III comes out tomorrow. I’ll say that again in case you didn’t hear: Kingdom Hearts III comes out tomorrow. This is simply preposterous to me. I literally cannot believe it. Kingdom Hearts II came out fourteen years ago. 2005! I’m old and washed up and the gap in between the two main titles of one of my favorite game franchises ever has been over half my life. And tomorrow I’m going to be holding a real-life copy of Kingdom Hearts III. I don’t know how I’m going to react yet. There might be tears, I won’t rule it out.

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I’ve been frantically reading Wikipedia entries. I’ve been watching 45-minute plot compilation videos on YouTube. I’ve come as close as any one man can come to fully understanding the Kingdom Hearts storyline. My body is ready. It’s a matter of if my fragile psyche is.

Wednesday I will be playing Kingdom Hearts III all day. I want the history books to know this, too.

I’ll also be working on my next big project, and I assure you, it’s big. Huge, even. Will totally revolutionize what you think a good time really is. I can’t say anything else without risking unveiling Blayze on the Beach before it’s ready. Oops, did I say that out loud? Silly me.

Thursday is my dad’s birthday. Shoutout to my dad.

Friday my Super Bowl picks come out. Obviously a pretty big deal. Special prop bets included.

Saturday is a day of rest and probably the like, third longest day of the year. Super Bowl Saturday is bruuuuuutal. It’s so boring. It takes three lifetimes to end. But there’s always Kingdom Hearts III.

Sunday, needless to say, will rewrite American history. I don’t want to step on my picks too much, but let’s just say a certain coach-QB combo will win their sixth Super Bowl together. Sixth! And there’s going to be some terrible CBS show premiering afterwards. I’ll have more on this day as the week progresses, but it’s gonna be good. Get your spread locked down now. The last thing you want to do is leave shopping until Saturday.

This is totally the last week of eating like crap before I start working out and eating better. For real this time, I swear.

What a week. What a week. I don’t even know if I’ve done it justice with this description. But those of you who know, know. The world is about to change, and it all starts tonight.

Super Bowl 52 Preview

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Here we are. The Big Game. The one for all the marbles. The Super Bowl. It’s been a long road to get here, but finally the culmination of this NFL season is on the horizon. Patriots versus Eagles. A month and a half ago, this seemed like the obvious, preordained matchup. Now, one team is playing with house money and the other trying to add to an already unassailable legacy. Barring a noteworthy loss, this is almost a no-lose scenario for both. If the Eagles lose, what, was Nick Foles really supposed to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl? If the Pats lose it sucks, but they’ve already won five. Are they suddenly failures now? Maybe these seemingly low stakes are why it’s been such a quiet two weeks. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a great game. After all, it is the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots (-4.5)

I’ll be honest- this line is too high. I’m not the first to say it, but it really should be 3. In my mind, this is just a mirror image of the AFC Championship game. The Eagles have one of the three best defenses in the NFL, an explosive defensive line, and a competent offense. They have more weapons than the Jags, and Nick Foles is proof that pretty much any NFL QB can be good if they’re in the right system (maybe the NFL doesn’t have a quarterback problem, but a coach problem?). Considering the way they just dispatched of the Vikings, who have an objectively superior defense to the Pats, it would be foolish to completely dismiss Foles and the Eagles’ offense. But that’s the thing: the Pats aren’t the Vikings. The second the Eagles took the lead, the Vikings quit because they knew it was over. The Pats don’t start trying until they’re down two scores. You can throw out all the numbers you want, but this is pretty simple- the Eagles aren’t going to blow the Pats out, so if the game is on the line, who do you trust? The backup QB who may have had a legitimate out-of-body experience last week and a second year head coach straight off the Andy Reid coaching tree or Brady and Belichick? Actually, here’s a few numbers for you: first is the widely circulated (too widely circulated?) stat that Brady has never lost a playoff game to a team they didn’t play in the regular season. 15-0. Pats and Eagles did not play in the regular season. Second, here’s one I made up myself- Brady has lost one (1) playoff game to a team that did not already have a Super Bowl win when he became the starter in 2001. That one? The flukiest of a fluke losses to the Jets after the 2010 season. This Eagles team is waaaaaay better than the Jets, which means they won’t sneak up on the Pats, and they have enough Loser DNA to keep them down. 4.5 seems like too many points, and it probably is, but, in instances like this, I think the best advice you can give is only take the underdog if you think they can win. I think I said this last year, but close your eyes and try to imagine a future in which the Philadelphia Eagles, lead by Nicholas E. Foles, actually beat the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. If you can, you have a better imagination than I do. Tom Brady’s son better pucker up, because daddy’s winning number 6.

Pick: Pats -4.5

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BONUS PROP BETS

  • National Anthem: Over 2:00 -200
  • Coin Toss: Heads -105
  • P!nk’s Hair Color: Green +400
  • How Many Times Will Tom Brady’s Age Be Mentioned: Over 1.5 -350
  • How Many Time Will Carson Wentz Be Mentioned: Over 3.5 -250
  • What Color Liquid: Clear/Water +400
  • Higher- Pats’ Total Points or Kyrie Irving Points+Assists vs. Blazers: Kyrie (assuming he plays) -230
  • MVP: Tom Brady -110
  • First Mention in MVP Speech: Teammates +200

The Eagles Being Obsessed with LeBron vs. MJ Has Me More Confident in the Patriots than Ever

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source– The Philadelphia Eagles watch tape and look at statistics. They check for tendencies, scout the advanced numbers, see how things change when the fourth quarter comes around. And they do it all in order to prepare for … near-daily locker-room arguments about LeBron James and Michael Jordan.

“Heated. Heated, every single time,” said wide receiver Torrey Smith. “We come with stats. This is not just barbershop talk—I have looked up statistics plenty of times. The numbers favor my argument—he’s better in every single category except points per game. LeBron makes his teammates better, he plays on worse teams, and obviously he’s made it to a lot of Finals, even if he doesn’t win them all.”

When I visited the Eagles locker room during the regular season, I saw the arguments in action. I asked if the Eagles argued about hoops often, and I was told no—they just argue about Jordan vs. LeBron, nearly every day. As James continues to contend for MVPs and NBA titles well into his 30s, the debate has developed into an international hot topic. Prince Harry discussed it with Barack Obama—who is on Jordan’s side, though that may have something to do with his Chicago sports fandom. Pretty much every player in the NBA, past or present, has weighed in by now. NFL locker rooms are fairly boring places, but I have not seen a non-football argument as intense and involved as this one.

Alright, I keep saying it, but the buildup to this Super Bowl has been capital b Boring. I’m searching high and low for anything at all to talk about. I’m leaving no stone unturned and working my fingers to the bone trying to find an NFL storyline. Yeah, I could talk Alex Smith, but who cares? (On the surface it’s a fine, intermediary move for a solid QB, but signing him to 4 years $71 million guaranteed is a startlingly bad decision) All I want to do is discuss the greatness of the Patriots, but there’s just nothing new. I was about to just write “Why Tom Brady Should Win MVP, part 2.” But then this story came to my attention, and I might as well just start typing up the celebratory “Pats Win the Super Bowl Yet Again,” because there’s NO CHANCE the Patriots are going to lose to a team so concerned with debating MJ-LeBron.

Here’s where all the football purists and old school talking heads are nodding in agreement. “Yes, no one can win if you aren’t taking football 100% seriously 100% of the time. No distractions allowed.” That’s not what I’m saying. It’s good for players to have outside interests; conversations like this can build camaraderie and don’t affect practicing at all (although it’s not a coincidence you never hear about Pats’ players getting into these debates, hmmmmm). The real reason I’d be shaking in my boots if I was an Eagles’ fan is the fact that they’re still debating Mj vs. LeBron! That’s a 2016-17 argument. No one cares anymore, or, more specifically, no one cares in the months outside of May-July. The Patriots are at the forefront of the NFL. Every cutting edge scheme, every revolutionary strategy, the Pats not only have it mastered but they’ve mastered how to counteract it. And they’re playing a team who’s main concern is a debate from 8 months ago? Yikes. The Pats are all about the future and going forward. The Eagles are stuck in the past. Progress stops for no man, folks, and it would seem the Patriots are clearly going to be on the right side of history. I wonder when the Eagles will start asking how many holes a straw has. Next training camp? Maybe not until preseason. By then the Pats will have set their sights on number 7. It really just sums up the difference between the two franchises. What else can you expect out of a team from Philadelphia, though? Always five steps behind.