Category: Uncategorized

Ever notice that the word assassin is ass ass in? Pretty funny.

Rating: 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

Girl Power, am I right?

Rating: 🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡

Unreal. Greatest night of my life. Easily. I don’t know if anything can ever top this. I don’t know if that even really happened. Down 21-0. 28-3. And they won 34-28. Unreal. I’m still speechless. Am I dreaming? Is any of this real life? Greatest comeback ever. Greatest game ever. Greatest moment in recorded history since the invention of pizza. I don’t know what I did to be this lucky.

A team has never overcome greater odds. Down by a million. Can’t get anything going or stop anything. My completely-obvious-in-hindsight choice of chips backfiring. I knew I was in for a fight when I took my first bite of Flamas. Arguably the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. Toasted Corn was the most unnecessarily salty tortilla chip ever made. I’ve never had a worse omen. It was all downhill from there. But the great ones make adjustments. I ditched the chips at half. I switched couches. Lady Gaga brought me new life. Then I blacked out and the Pats were champs. Not trying to take credit, but not trying to not take credit, either.

Tom Brady, man. So good. So good in the second half. Elevated to a plane of existence usually only reserved for Colt Brennan in the fourth quarter. Willed the team to the most improbable win of all time. I’d follow him into Hell without question knowing I’d come out safe on the other side. James White, huge, huuuuuuge performance. Falcons gave up the most receiving yards to opposing running backs in the league and it showed. Belichick is the greatest football, nay, human mind in history. I don’t even know what the coaching changes were yet. I lost the ability to form coherent thought with about 4 minutes left in the 3rd. But it worked. The defense once again proved it’s worth. Only gave up 21 points to the highest scoring team in the league. Only 7 in the second half. But they’re overrated, right?

Other takeaways: I had legitimate fits of PTSD when Julio Jones made that crazy catch. Working on four Super Bowls in a row where the other team pulls some absurd, otherworldly catch out of the deep recesses of their asses. This would have been easier to live with since it was a Hall of Fame receiver, not some nobody. But then something happened. Finally, finally, we got one. Julian Edelman made the luckiest, least repeatable, most nonsensical catch ever. Everyone in the stadium knew it was over then. Especially the Falcons. What a choke job. Epic choke. Legendary choke. No one has ever choked harder. They let the Warriors and Indians off the hook. Aggressive, disruptive defense became soft. Matty Ice, league MVP, with some of the most boneheaded plays in Super Bowl history. Hate to be mean to the dozens of diehard Atlanta sports fans, but there’s a reason Fox showed a graphic that said Boston had 36 (now 37) major championships and Atlanta had 1. Only a team from Atlanta could have lost this. The Bills couldn’t have blown this lead. This will haunt Samuel L. Jackson’s dreams until he dies. It’s just a loser sports town. Always has been, always will be. Falcons win 9 games, max, next year. If they even play. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just contracted the team.

I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out tonight was a dream. If I ever find a woman foolish enough to want to have kids with me, I’ll tell them about this game at least once a week. Just unreal. Brady is God. Belichick is God. Kraft is God. Greatest night of my life.

source–  As early as July 2020, the 1-tonne, 6-wheeled vehicle will blast off from Florida, carrying 43 such tubes on a 7-month trip to the red planet. Once it arrives, the rover will drive across the Martian surface and fill each tube with dirt, rock or air. Then it will seal the tubes, place them on the ground, and wait — for years, or possibly decades — for another spacecraft to retrieve them and fly them back to Earth. It will be humanity’s first attempt to bring back part of the red planet.

If all goes to plan, these will become the most precious extraterrestrial samples ever recovered. Tucked inside one of those metallic tubes could be evidence of life beyond Earth in the form of a microorganism, biominerals or organic molecules.

(Most of the article is just boring stuff about how much they love keeping things clean.)

I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. How can NASA be so foolish? How can they not see what the result of this experiment will be? Has no one seen a movie or watched tv?

This all falls on this Adam Steltzner guy. Either he’s just as naive as NASA is and has no idea what’s coming, which shows a level of gross negligence not seen since the green lighting of Speed 2: Cruise Control. Or, he knows exactly what he’s doing and should immediately be locked up with no chance of parole.

Because this life they’re going to bring back? It’s not coming in peace. The fact that it’s probably just microscopic organisms makes it even more dangerous. These life forms are either carrying deadly diseases (best case scenario), or capable of acting as a symbiote that can control people’s minds. Ever heard of Venom and Carnage? I guarantee Steltzner has. I’d be shocked if his end goal wasn’t using these lifeforms in some kind of power play. Maybe he allows himself to be controlled, inevitably enhancing his physical abilities; or maybe he contains the lifeforms and waits to infect important people, knowing the devastating effect the symbiotic relationship has on long term health. The fact that none of this has occurred to NASA is a huge red flag. Does he already have a way of controlling people? Is he blackmailing the entirety of the NASA board? Or perhaps he himself is an emissary of Mars and is trying to slowly bring his brethren to Earth for a hostile takeover.

I’m not going to stand for it. I’m prepared to march on Cape Canaveral on the day of the launch to protest. Someone needs to stand up for our species, and I’m willing to lead the movement. Unless, of course, the Mars faction wants to cut me in on their plans. I’m not a fool. I know when I’m outmatched, and humans generally don’t have much of a chance against extraterrestrials. I’d be an asset to the Martians. I know how humans think and have no problem selling them out if it means I wind up on the right side. Then, once I’ve ascended through the ranks, I’ll take out Steltzner during the final battle to prove I was secretly with the humans all along. I’ll be a hero. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’m going to protest at all. I will do everything in my power to ensure this launch takes place. Science must move forward!

This Thursday the NBA will announce the starting lineups for this year’s All Star Game. Ideally, it’s a snapshot of the league that season, with the best five from each conference matching up with each other before the game inevitably devolves into a layup line. It’s also voted on by the fans. They are aloost always wrong. Thankfully, they finally took complete control away from the fans and added in a players and media vote to help curb the madness. A lot of times, I don’t have a problem with it. For example: As it stands right now, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love would be starting for the East. I don’t think they should be starting, but they are both legitimate All Stars this year, so I don’t really care too much. But Dwyane Wade is also in line to start. And that’s where my anger begins.

The common line you always hear when people like me complain about undeserving players being voted in is that it’s a game for the fans so it should be what the fans want to see. That’s all well and good, but why do we then use all star appearances when discussing Hall of Fame candidacy? When Kobe is up for enshrinement, among his many accolades his 18 all star appearances will be mentioned. At least five were undeserved. Popularity doesn’t suddenly make someone good.

Dwyane Wade is not an All Star. His team stinks and he’s having his worst season. Almost all of his per-36 minute numbers either are or are close to career lows. The only thing he’s randomly doing better is shooting 3s, but a blind person who had never heard the word basketball before would be a better 3 point shooter than Wade has been. There’s at least 15 players in the Eastern Conference more deserving than him and someone is going to get screwed because people like Wade for some reason. Twenty years after his retirement everyone will forget the countless dirty plays and will just see all those totally legitimate all star appearances and think he’s a top ten player ever. That’s not right.

While we’re at it, Carmelo Anthony is currently 6th in front court voting. Which means if the entire roster was decided by fan voting he’d make it. Melo STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKS. How anybody can watch this guy and think he’s an all star is beyond me. He’s on yet another embarrassing, bum ass Knicks team and scoring the worst, most hollow 22 points per game maybe in league history. He cared about passing and defense for like a month in 2013, but that time is long passed. He’s pretty much the entire reason the Knicks are horrible, too. He and Derrick Rose create new ways to ignore the best player on the team Kristaps Porzingis. His massive contract and refusal to waive his no-trade clause have hampered the league’s worst front office’s pathetic attempts at roster building, and they’re caught in between tanking and being the sixth seed. Or, they would be if Carmelo wasn’t a dreadful excuse for a star. Same with Dwyane Wade- someday people will look back and see all the all star starts and be like “oh, wow, Carmelo was really good. He must have been a great player and a great teammate and a great leader and not a coward who thinks winning gold medals against teams with at most three NBA players is just as good as winning an NBA championship.” He’s horrible and if you think he’s good, you’re horrible too. Either don’t let stupid fans decide important things that impact a player’s “legacy,” or don’t have all star appearances matter for the Hall of Fame.

And I really hope that in one of the toughest times to make the all star team in the Western Conference, where three or four very deserving players will miss out, I don’t have to explain why Zaza Pachulia making the starting lineup would be the dumbest, most inexplicable and nonsensical thing to ever happen in the history of American voting.

Back at it again pic.twitter.com/NitMsKG7Sb

— Tyler Donlan (@TSD163) January 7, 2017

This isn’t even going to be about Grayson Allen. This is just who he is. Like how Draymond Green can’t help but kick people in the balls. It’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just in their DNA. So no point in getting mad about it anymore, because it obviously isn’t going to stop.

I really just wanted to post this so I could go on a rant against Coach K. Coach K is the fakest, most sanctimonious and holier-than-thou dickhead in recorded history. We’re bludgeoned by stories about how a great father figure and molder of men he is every ten seconds, but everything he does is so self-serving. He shamed his players that wanted to leave early for the NBA because it made his team worse, until he figured out that getting all the awesome one-and-done guys gave him the best chance to win. Now he’s fine with it. He has the gall to lecture another team’s player on “class,” the most Coach K move in the history of Coach K moves, but is fine with his long history of dirty players (Laettner, Paulus, Dahntay Jones, now Allen). (By the way, I love the fact that K denied lecturing Oregon’s Dillon Brooks, only for the audio evidence to come out saying that he had. So, he’s a liar and a cocksucker.) And, to bring it back to the first point, he hated when his kids “quit” on the program, but it’s totally fine when he does it. How many times has he been “injured” and taken a leave of absence, only for the team to struggle. Guess who’s hallowed win-loss record is unaffected by the losses? And you know he had to make one last appearance at Cameron Indoor before this latest “surgery.” Got to soak up one last ovation and get his balls washed a bit by the media. Because it’s all about class and humility. Coach K can go straight to hell.

source

So this made some Internet noise the other day, but I’ve been too busy to get to it until now. Basically an old Brazilian lady had no idea the figurine she was praying to was Lord Elrond of Rivendell, not Saint Anthony, patron saint of lost things, among other distinctions. Pretty embarrassing.

Now, the easy thing to do here would be to pile on and make fun of her for being so wrong. I’m not going to do that though, for a couple reasons. First of all, Elrond isn’t a horrible guy to pray to. He’s the oldest and wisest elf in Middle Earth, for crying out loud. Literally nothing on the whole continent happens without his knowledge or approval. He lead the army that beat Sauron the first time, then orchestrated the creation of the Fellowship that beat him the second time. People have prayed to worse people.

Secondly, and most importantly, that is the most saintly figurine I’ve ever seen. That’s clearly a religious figure. I’m not knocking anyone who gets fooled by that. Plus, I’m pretty sure elderly South American women will treat almost anything as an idol, especially a figure of a saintly looking man in a long robe. This little mix up was clearly not her fault. If anything, this woman’s family is to blame for embarrassing her like this and breaking up her prayer routine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msmhBv_8BaY

I just had to go on a mini rant here. The NBA came out today and said there should have been a five second violation called on this play. Yeah, no shit. He was backing down for like 10 seconds. But the point of this is the NBA pulls this move all the time. The day after a questionable call they say that it should have gone the other way. Well, if it should have gone the other way why wasn’t it called? The last two minutes report is always saying more things should have been called, so why do refs always swallow the whistle? Adam Silver has come out and said he wouldn’t mind eliminating the hack-a-player to improve the viewing experience. Well, if you want that, don’t then tell me about all these fouls that weren’t called in the last few minutes. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t have the exciting finish that’s decided by the players then release a report saying the refs were wrong about everything. Make up your mind. My thoughts have always been a foul is a foul no matter when it happens. A travel is a travel no matter when it happens. A five second violation is a five second violation no matter when it happens. So either train these refs, who do a good job for the most part, to actually call the game in the last two minutes or stop with this last two minute report charade. Have some respect for the intelligence of your fans. Rant over.

With the all-important date less than a week away, not a second goes by where my birthday doesn’t cross my mind. Though January 10th isn’t yet a national holiday, that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate with me. The best way to celebrate this most blessed day, of course, is to lavish me with gifts. Here’s a few things I wouldn’t mind seeing come my way.

Guy Fieri’s friendship

A few years ago, some dude paid like $100,000 to be Guy’s friend for a day. I need this like I need air to breathe or water to drink. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I genuinely love Guy Fieri. I’ve spent at least 25% of my life watching Triple D. Guy can clearly be bought, so someone get me a one-way ticket to Flavortown.

A bed that has a toilet built in so that I don’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night

This may be a stretch since I don’t think it’s been invented yet, but work with me here. How annoying is it to be peacefully sleeping, only to have an overactive bladder disturb your slumber? You have to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, relieve yourself, then walk back. By the time you get back in bed, it’s practically morning already. A toilet in the bed eliminates the whole production. Just hook the plumbing up to it and it’s a perfect idea.

A car seat that’s also a toilet

Kind of piggybacking off the last wish. I have the worst bladder of anyone under the age of 70 of all time. If I drink anything I have to pee like 10 seconds later. It makes driving long distances really annoying because I have to stop all the time and go to the bathroom. Put a toilet where the driver’s seat is and I’ll be sitting pretty. A mobile throne eliminates all my problems and opens the door for my truck driving career. Replace the carpool lane with a tank emptying lane and everyone’s happy. You know what, the more I think about these last two ideas the more I realize how much money they can make. Forget you ever read about them.

A roster spot in this year’s NBA Celebrity All-Star Game

All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to someday be famous enough to play in this game. Considering some of the names they’ve been throwing out there recently, I may be there already. If I played, you’d better believe I’d go all out. I’d be boxing out, keeping my hands up on d, and diving for loose balls. More than anything, though, I’d get my shots up. I’ll take it hard to the rack calling for and-ones like I’m Carlos Boozer. I don’t know how many points I’d finish with, but I know for a fact I’d set the shot attempts record by halftime. I’m ready to pick up where Michael Rapaport, Tom Cavanagh, and Kevin Hart left off. I’m ready to be the Celebrity All-Star Game MVP.

Tickets to this new Jamie Foxx movie

Although the movie I’m looking forward to the most in January is clearly the new Yu-Gi-Oh! movie, you and I both know I’ve already got my ticket. But I just saw the trailer for this Sleepless movie and it looks awesome. Like some combination of Taken and The Equalizer. That’s the definition of must-see. Get me in the door opening night and I may forget the fact that you didn’t buy me Guy Fieri’s friendship.

The Brooklyn Nets to lose every game then not have the league rig the lottery for the Lakers to win

This might be tough to get, but it should be easy enough to ensure the Nets finish with the NBA’s worst record. Someone just needs to take out Brook Lopez. Even then, he’ll probably just get hurt on his own. So, thinking about it, the Nets will probably finish with the worst record in the league on their own, giving the Celtics the best chance for the top pick. However, the Celtics always get screwed in the lottery. They should have Tim Duncan, Kevin Durant, and a bunch of other guys that they would have had if they had gotten one or two spots higher. They’ll be battling against the Lakers, whose pick is top-3 protected. If you think they’re losing their pick, I have some African princes to introduce you to. The Sixers are apparently liked by the league again now that they foolishly abandoned The Process, so they’re always lurking for the top pick. And it’s been three years since the Cavs won the lottery, which is far too long for the league’s taste. So, all I’m really asking for is for someone to infiltrate the cabal in charge of the draft lottery and make sure the Celtics get their fair shake. Now getting involved with conspiracies such as this usually result in torture and death, but know that your sacrifice will be appreciated.

A pet seahorse

Just think it’d be kind of awesome.

A trip to Japan to see the Cherry Blossoms in bloom

A true picture of natural beauty. An experience so spiritual and magical that it has to be seen to be believed. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say I would start weeping if I was finally able to witness to petals falling to the ground in person. Make fun of me all you want, but I’d die knowing I saw the most majestic sight known to man. Plus, I need to restock my supply of tentacle porn DVDs.

Click on the ad on the bottom of this page

Come on, you know you want to. Just give it a click. You can close the window right after if you want. Click the ad, man. Do it.

A nice cake

Everyone should have some cake on their birthday. I’m not picky about it, any flavor will do. The only requirement is that the frosting to cake ratio is right. Too much or too little frosting ruins a cake. If you’re curious about correct ratios, I’d be more than happy to try any samples you send my way.

Just a few ideas for everyone out there. This list isn’t exhaustive, so I can always come up with something else should you be unable to fulfill any of the requirements for the above gifts. I’ve got the Thank You cards ready to send out already.